Did everyone remember to laminate their character and world maps? Because there is a lot of detail we are going to deal with in this week’s adventure, and I’m just saying, dry erase markers will come in handy. First off, mark a new location on your map, Eyrie. This is the House of Arryn, as in Jon Arryn, the now deceased Hand of the King. His widow is Lady Stark’s sister, who lives there with an evil boob and sickly boy. More on Bad Boob in a moment.
We start in King’s Landing where the Squire cum Knight Hugh was throat-lanced until he died from it. Workers are busy raking new sand in the arena, because the site of blood fountains is off putting when people are taking their seats. That’s for later when they’re eating turkey legs and wondering about crystalline dragon statues to buy at the vendors. (A little throat blood would jazz up most RenFaires, don’t you think?)
Ned ducks in a tent where a medieval free safety is stitching up Hugh’s neck, preparing him for burial. Ned talks with Ser Barristan, who gives a few crumbs of information. Someone wealthy paid for Hugh’s armor, it seems, and Ned wonders how he just so happened to be matched up to The Mountain.
Ned is called before the king who is becoming more of a dick with every passing scene. He gives a Lannister lad grief about not being able to fit into his armor (someone needs to pass up the funnel cakes and turkey legs) and Ned tells Robert straight up that he’s fat, that he should quit riding the poor kid, and that no way in seven hells will Ned allow the king to participate in the joust.
Speaking of, The Mountain is back to ride in the day’s activities and is matched up to a dandy in a fabulous mask and glorious armor, the Knight of Flowers, Loras. He rides up to Sansa in the stands and offers her a single, perfect rose. She’s only 13 so she finds this charming and is instantly smitten with him. Oh, honey, we’ve all fallen for gay boys at some point, you’ll learn soon enough.
The Mountain’s stallion is going bananas. The two knights line up, charge each other, and because the mare Loras is riding is in heat and is making the other horse a little cray-cray, he’s not at his best. Loras knocks over not only the Mountain, but the horse as well. Luh-hoo-huh-zer. And a sore one, at that. The Mountain grabs his sword and straight up beheads his horse. He doesn’t stop there, though, he rounds an attack on Loras, who is bowing before the king. The Hound – remember that’s the disfigured brother of La Montagne – jumps in and saves Pretty Boy-ass Loras.
Catelyn Stark and her men are still on the road with a be-hooded and be-shackled Tyrion. They uncloak him and Catelyn tells the Imp that they’re on their way to see her sister, Lysa. Tyrion takes a beat and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve seen your sister? Because the girl gone loco in her cabeza. Ooops, maybe I said to much.” Meanwhile, the bard from the tavern last week has joined up with the group and turns everything happening into a ditty.
“Bravely bold Lord Tyrion rode forth from King’s Landing He was not afraid to die, oh brave Ser Tyrion, He was not afraid to be killed in nasty ways Brave, brave, brave, brave Ser Tyrion
He was not in the least bit scared to be smashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Ser Tyrion
His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off And his penis split and his-”
“That’s enough lad, there’s a surprise horde!”
And lo, they looked upon the road and a horde of berserkers did fall upon them. Lady Stark took pity on Tyrion and untied him so he could defend himself. And defend himself he did. He took a shield with a convenient pointy end and stabbed a berserker in the face with it until the sounds of Brave Ser Tyrion being nostril-raped faded out of existence.
One of Cate’s men says to him, “You need a woman. Nothing like a woman after a fight.” To which the Imp responds by glancing at Lady Stark and replying, “Well, I’m willing if she is.” Ha. I love this character. He was not in the least bit scared to be killed in nasty ways.
In Winterfell, Bran watches Theon Greyjoy practice his archery when Bran should be paying attention to his history lesson. After showing that he was listening to his teacher, he grouses about his mother not being there. Well, laddie, your mother has a job to do even though you’re not allowed to know what it is. The worst thing for a child to hear, I’ll tell you when you’re older. Especially as in this world, many children don’t make it to “older.”
Theon Greyjoy takes his leave to one of the many many whorehouses in Westeros. But naturally he goes to see the only working whore in all of them, Roz. He gives her a little Dothraki and then engages in a battle of wills with her. He’s not a slave, he’s a ward. And she’s a mean whore bragging about all of the noblemen she sleeps with when her client is still there. How is she the most popular paid lady in Westeros? Always make the client feel special, Roz, that’s Hooker 101. Hooker 201 involves a basket hold, but that’s for another day.
Uncle Fester, aka The Spider, and Ned Stark have a quiet conversation in the castle. Uncle Fester tries to let Ned in on the fact that should nothing change, the King will most likely end up like Jon Arryn, which is to say singing with the choir invisible. Arryn was poisoned with a very rare and costly drug, the tears of Lys. Someone very close to Arryn would have given it to him, perhaps the Squire cum Knight of the Throat Hole? But someone would have given it to him, someone with money. But why would he be killed? Ah, because of the questions he was asking, you see. This is more roux to the plot (thickening, you see.)
Arya, who has been at her assignment of chasing cats, has followed one all the way under the castle where she sees a massive dragon skull. Two people come in, discussing things she shouldn’t be listening to, so she hides in the skull and listens. (Good girl.) The men discuss Ned having the book, which will lead to questions of the “what got Jon Arryn killed” variety, and how this will put the Wolf and the Lion at each other’s throats.
They want this, you see, because they want civil war in King’s Landing so the Dothraki horde can come in and take over. Oho! What is this treason, and who hopes for this? Uncle Fester! For a eunuch, this guy’s got balls.
Arya, scared, runs off to the safety of her father. (Side note, she grabs the lock at the gate and then back tracks, but that child could have easily slipped through the bars! Bad planning, HBO.)
Uncle Fester next meets up with Baelish, where they have a game of I know something you don’t know. Or maybe it’s pin the dirt on the jackass? It’s hard to tell in the shadows.
“You like to bone boys, right? Do I…do I have that right? I just like making sure I know how to be a good host, that’s all.”
“You’re such a good host, Littlefinger, that you even let some patrons hook up with dead people. Spoiler alert, Bruce Willis is dead from the beginning!”
“You…bastard! I’ve had that on my Tivo, just waiting for a free night! So how about this, I did enjoy spying on you and a, ahem, foreign dignitary just a few minutes ago. He was from the other side of the Narrow Sea, right? Where you’re from? Where your balls are probably in a pickle jar?”
Baelish had an extra roll and thereby defeated the crafty eunuch. This round, at least.
Arya, who had to take the long way back, gets spit out from the dungeons beyond the castle walls. Because our little lady is so dirty, the castle guards take her for a ragamuffin beggar and won’t let her in. She lets them know tout de suite who she is and if they value their necks being attached to their heads, they’ll step aside. She runs straight to her father and tells him what she understood from the overheard conversation.
He’s upset with her, but when she mentions details she couldn’t know, such as the bastard and the book, he takes her seriously. Yorin, the recruiter for The Wall, shows up with important information. Ned’s man at arms, Jory, takes Arya to her room. Yorin tells Ned that Cate has captured Tyrion Lannister, and that people of power are hot on his heels. Ned needs to get on top of this, and fast. (That’s what she said.)
Speaking of, Cate and her party are met by the guards of Eyrie, who don’t seem too happy to see Tyrion with them. Well, we don’t always get to see what we want, do we, because I can tell you that I did not want to see a grown child sucking a crazy lady’s teat. Meet Lysa, Cate’s sister. Not only has she taken breast feeding way too far (when a kid has to stoop over to reach your nipple because they can’t fit in your arms, that’s too old. When a kid can taste the difference in your diet and comment on it, “Mother, have you been at the sourdough again? I’ve told you that I dislike that flavor in your milk,” you’ve breastfed for too long. Fleurgh.) she also believes that Tyrion is the one that killed her husband, Jon Arryn.
Tyrion’s crafty, but that’s a lot even for him.
In King’s Landing, Ned rushes to the King to tell him what he’s learned but is sidetracked by a meeting the King has called with his advisors. He has learned that Daenerys is pregnant with Khal Drogo’s baby, and Robert wants them killed. Ned is not a killer, and he certainly doesn’t see the point in killing a young pregnant woman who is on the other side of an ocean living with people who don’t have boats.
This intel has come to Uncle Fester from Daeneyrs’ aid, Ser Jorah, so we just can’t trust anyone, it seems. Ned thinks this is beyond shady, because one, Jorah is a law breaker, and two, Uncle Fester is from the other side of the sea, so he’s automatically suspect. Now, now, Ned, “we must sometimes do vile things for the good of the realm.” Uncle Fester, you are not winning friends and influencing people.
Robert orders Ned to kill on his command, and this forces Ned to quit. “Take this job,” he rips off his sassy hand pin and tosses it onto the table, “and shove it.” Oooh. Things are becoming exponentially dangerous for the Starks. He senses this and races to his girls, presumably to grab their things and be off.
Baelish shows up and tells him to hang around tonight, and Baelish will take Ned to the very last person Jon Arryn saw before he died. Hmm. He sends guards to stand watch over his girls and he and Jory follow Littlefinger.
But we are back with Bad Boob. Lysa is still suckling her preteen, spitting her anger at Cate for polluting her castle with the filth that is the Imp. Tyrion just stands still, shocked, and not sure where to look. Buddy, I’m with you. Lysa points to him and tells her son to look at the bad man. It’s now Cate’s turn to make a “WTF?” face; she glances at Tyrion. Maybe he’s not so crazy after all.
With a horrendous popping noise, Robin – the sickly boob sucker – tells his mommy through sticky lips that he wants to see the bad man fly. I suppose this is something we’ll build to as Tyrion is instead thrown into a “sky cell,” a prison cell high in the castle wall with only three walls. The fourth is nothing but air. Don’t sleep walk, Imp.
There is a theme of breasts and nipples in this show, but this next example is far more palatable. King Robert’s brother, Renly, is getting an areola shave by the Flower Knight Loras. They catch each other up on their day while Loras cleans Renly up. Loras wants Renly to be King, even though he’s fourth in line. But, Loras argues, Renly is good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like him! Loras likes him, too. Loras particularly likes a certain sword-like appendage of Renly’s. Note to the sound editor: that was some ridiculous oral sex noise you played. It sounded like lip-smacking kissing, not the proper slobber boogie on the meat flute. In the key of D.
Queen Cercei Lannister goes to offer her condolences on the impending divorce between her husband and Ned Stark. She does advise him to get a new Hand, and quickly, and please don’t hire her brother, she needs him for sexy times. The two talk strategy and Robert lets her know that while yes, they have more people, the Dothraki would murderlate them simply because they are far more focused. The two share a laugh at their fabricated marriage and how that’s all that’s keeping the seven kingdoms together.
Cercei then asks Robert to tell her about Ned’s sister, the only woman he ever loved. Even though he can’t remember what she looked like (what, they don’t have portraits painted in those days?) he still pines for her. Cercei then asks if there ever was a moment when the two of them could have made a real go at a partnership, because there was a time in the long ago when she cared for her husband. He tells her flat out, “No.” Damn, that’s cold, bro.
Ned, who followed Baelish to one of his whorehouses (Roz doesn’t work at this one), talks to a young lady who is the mother of yet another of Robert’s bastard offspring, a healthy baby girl. The girl will not work anymore, she just wants to raise the baby and maybe one day be in a relationship with the King. Yeah, that’ll happen, sugar pie. Bless.
As Ned leaves, they’re surrounded by Jaime Lannister and several of his men. Since Ned is no longer the Hand, Jaime doesn’t feel like he should hold back with how he feels. “I want my brother.”
Ned replies, “You kill me, and your brother is as good as dead.”
“Hmm, true. Kill the others, capture him.”
Spear chest! Twice! Two of Ned’s guards are quickly shish-ke-bob’d and it’s just Jory and Ned fighting for their lives. All is well, shockingly so, since Jory and Ned are outnumbered, and Jory goes in for some sword play with Jaime. Ah, but he’s a canny fighter and daggers Jory’s eye and skull. Not Jory, no!! Ned still fights Jaime and even starts to get the upper hand when one of the guardsmen spears him through the hamstring.
Jaime backhands the guard, this was his fight, damn it, but tells Ned to get his brother back, pronto. Ned passes out.
Next week! Greyjoy/Stark conversations! Dothraki-Targaryen show downs! BLOOD MOUTH!