There was almost too much in this one episode for it to be contained, am I right? And that is how you end an episode, but we’ll get to that soon enough. I do want to acknowledge our Dungeon Master for this particular adventure, Jane Espenson. I’m just saying, she had it all in there: infinite layers of the abyss, a lawful evil-aligned plane, and a monstrous humanoid and that was just in the Eyrie! We thankfully did not have any more evil boob this journey, to which I am grateful.
We last left Ned be-speared by Jamie Lannister.
He wakes up in his chambers, the Queen and King standing over him. He’s been doctored somewhat, but is far from healed. The Queen is beyond angry, “Do you know what your wife has done?” And Ned continues his stance of having ordered her to do it. Oh, Catelyn, you are causing some major problems with your lack of impulse control, something that seems to run in your family, ahem.
The Queen tries to concoct some lame story about Ned being drunk, returning from a brothel and attacking Jamie in the street, but the King isn’t having any of it. She keeps mouthing off and he tells her to shut it. “Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!” “Order, eh, who does he think he is?”
He shows her toot de suite who he is by slapping her across the face. Cercei tells her husband she’ll wear the mark on her face like a badge of honor (that’s the worst badge in the history of Girl Scouts, I’d much rather earn the one for learning binary, personally) and leaves. Robert sums it up quickly for Ned: he’ll shut up about the Lannisters, they’ll work out their problems, he’ll become the Hand again, and also, he’s going to sit in Robert’s stead, as Robert needs to do a bit of killing. You know, for therapy. Ned mutters, “FML.”
Meanwhile, no more than two swallows’ flights away in Dothraki, Daenerys takes one of her dragon eggs to a cauldron full of coals. (Is it just me, or are we all thinking those cauldrons might get hot, but not that hot?) You see the cauldron burning, what do you want to do, Dany? “I want to put the egg on it.” Roll a D12 to see how flame resistant you can be. Ooh, you rolled a 16! Your handmaid comes in and grabs the dragon egg from you, burning herself terribly.
You, however, were not burned. (Oh, really? Let’s remember the Targaryen coda: Fire and Blood. Also, sweet roll.)
Back in Winterfell, Bran is having another dream of the three-eyed raven, who hops from direwolf statue to direwolf statue, deeper and deeper into a hallway. Bran awakens with a start; his new saddle is ready, the one that will enable him to actually ride with his crippled legs.
“Magic laigs! I got magic laigs, Lieutenant Dan!”
He is taken for a ride in the woods by his brother Robb and Greyjoy. The two older boys get into an argument about duty. Greyjoy knows all about the attack on Ned and wants Robb to defend his family and house by starting a battle with the Lannisters. Robb lets him know that it’s his house, and he’ll start or not start something as he sees fit. While they’re arguing, Bran has wandered off because a) he’s a child and b) danger must enter the story at some point.
Bran is quickly surrounded by Fenrir Greyback and Tonks, who has become feral, it seems, and two other wildlings. They are prepared to kill him to take all of his valuables, and Tonks becomes extremely excited to learn Bran is related to Benjen of the Watch. Robb comes upon them and quickly disposes of two of the men, and just as he gets Tonks under his blade, he realizes Fenrir has Bran by the throat. It’s a standoff, and Robb begins to lower his sword. THWOK! Greyjoy has just saved the day by his superior archery skills (+10) – he’s shot Fenrir through the back. Robb is not happy about this, because I guess he felt he should be the only one that saves the day. Bro, you should take your sword skills (easily at +8 or better) and Greyjoy’s archery and become an unstoppable team. Robb gathers up his things (Bran and Tonks, who has been spared) and goes home.
Tyrion, asleep, rolls over riiiiiight to the edge of his sky prison cell. And really, I used to go skydiving and that freaked me out. He jumps up and begins banging on his cell door for Mord, the guard. Mord comes in and instantly begins beating Tyrion with his truncheon. Tyrion tries to reason with him (impossible, the man has a -10 intelligence) and offers up his gold. Mord realizes that the Imp has no gold on him, beats him again, and tells him to “Fuck off.”
Arya has a sword lesson scheduled, but when Inigo Montoya shows up, she’s not interested. She’s worried and upset and scared for her dad. Inigo begins to beat her up with her wooden sword and gets her riled up enough to fight back. She’s getting to be quite good! Not good enough to completely disarm her teacher, but you can see her progress.
Back in the land of Horses, they show how much they revere their steeds by making Daenerys eat an entire horse heart – freshly cut out! – in some type of strengthening exercise ritual. (Kegels really would be better here, far less distressful to the digestive system of a pregnant woman, but hey, we all get those weird cravings when preggo.) Viserys looks on, horrified and amused (amused because it’s not him having to jump through all of these barbaric hoops.)
Khal Drogo looks on at his wife, and he is becoming both proud and aroused. She has her eyes locked with his as her teeth rip off bite after bite, blood and gore all over her face and hands. This will apparently make her stronger and make the baby she’s carrying strong and mighty – the Khal of Khals. The crowd circling them chants on and just as she takes the last bite, it seems that she’s going to throw up as she falls to her hands and knees. The room falls silent.
She pulls herself together, stands, looks at Drogo and swallows, a huge grin breaking out on her face. Girlfriend is not to be trifled with, she just ate a massive horse heart with an audience. Daenerys is clearly blossoming into an incredible woman, she just needed to be released from the tyranny of her brother. Once she accepted her role with her new people, she was able to earn the respect she deserves. She addresses her people: her first child is a masculine child, and he will be Raego.
Everyone praises her; they begin singing with wild abandon. Drogo grabs up her in his arms and carries her through the crowd, circling the “eating platform.” Viserys is clearly jealous of his sister. “They love her.” As Jorah looks on with pride at Dany, he states, “She truly is a Queen today.” But Viserys skinked off like the little sneak he is.
He goes to his sister’s room and begins taking her dragon eggs. Jorah catches him. Viserys plans on selling them – all three will get him enough money for ships and an army, which was what he thought he was buying with his sister. Jorah, while loyal, will not allow Viserys to steal the eggs. I think we can all assume that he’s loyal, but only to the true Dragon.
Viserys has a little pity party for himself. He’s never been given the adulation that his sister was given tonight. And he’s supposed to be king! “Wah, wah, I hate her, I hate this place, let her dine on the finest of horse parts, I’m Audi.” Jorah stares at him. Viserys drops the bag of eggs and tries to save face by walking out of the tent with his back straight.
Back in inappropriate breast feeding land, Tyrion is once again banging on the door of his sky cell. He’s figured out that given the troll status of Mord, it’s best to use simple words. Mord is ready to beat again, but Tyrion holds him off by asking if he’s ever heard of the Lannisters. And how they’re super rich. And how they always pay their debts. And how if a Lannister promises Mord gold, Mord will get gold. And how he, this wee man, is actually a Lannister! Mord knits the thoughts together and decides to pass Tyrion’s message to Lady Bad Boobs “Lysa” – Tyrion is ready to confess his sins.
The whole court of the Vale is called to the throne room. Lady Lysa and her creeptastic idiot child Robin are sharing the throne in more ways than one. Robin is tap tap tapping his knife against the arm of the great chair, and I just want to say that if you are old enough to have a personal weapon, you are far too old to be breastfed. Hell, I consider baby teeth a personal weapon. But Lady Lysa is mayor of Crazytown and she makes the rules.
Tyrion begins his confession.
“In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog… But the worst thing I ever done – I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa – and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life!”
“What is this madness?” Lady Lysa asks.
“Well, I also liked to jerk off in the turtle soup, and I made my sister eat it?”
“Ew!” everyone in the crowd reels back in horror. Everyone but Robin, who cackles at the awesome stories, and Bronn, one of the mercenaries that accompanied Lady Cate. He thinks it’s hilarious.
Bad Boob will not have their justice system mocked! She has the “moon door” opened, a hole in the floor that goes down down down into the never-ending abyss (well, there are probably rocks and trees down there somewhere, even Gandalf and the Balrog landed on a snowy mountain peak at some point in their epic fall.) And the rules of their court seem to be that Tyrion will be “tried” and Robin, the idiot creepoid, will pass judgment. The child is seven or eight, and he gets to be the judge? Yeah, that makes all kinds of sense.
Tyrion, being the clever dwarf that he is, throws out the loophole: if he demands a trial by combat, they have to provide. And how wonderful would it be to see Idiot Robin sword fighting against Tyrion? “Make the bad man fly!” Please oh please let that mean Creepy Sucker Son. But that is not to be, all of the knights of the court offer to be her champion and fight. But who will fight for Tyrion? Bronn will, he guesses with a shrug.
Back at the throne room in King’s Landing, Ned is fulfilling his duty as the replacement King, as Robert has gone off hunting, boring his group with tales of all the women he’s fucked. He’s such a class act, that King. A group of peasants come before Ned with harrowing tales of a group of men who raped and killed all of the women in their village and poured pitch over the children and set fire to them. Egads!
It becomes clear as they describe the leader of this group that it is none other than The Mountain, the horse-beheader. He’s also known as the right hand man of Tywin Lannister (who is Cercei, Jaime and Tyrion’s father.) I wonder why the Lannisters would be all riled up… Also, The Mountain left a huge sack of fish, which just so happens to be the symbol of House Tully, Lady Catelyn and Lady Lysa’s family. Oho!
Grandmeister Flash slumps in his throne dreaming of soups and puddings (his teeth aren’t what they used to be) and tells Ned to leave it, this is clearly something cool with the King, besides, Clegane is a knight and they aren’t capable of doing wrong, they’re knights! Ned is all askance, then snaps into a grim grin. He tells the peasants that not only will he see justice done, but that he knows who did this, and hereby strips Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane of all titles, lands, holdings, privileges, he won’t get his records or concert t-shirts back, and the locks are being changed.
This is quite shocking as Ned is actually taking the idea of “you’re King while I’m gone” seriously and no one expected that. Also, Ned says that if Tywin Lannister doesn’t appear before the court in two weeks, he’ll be considered a traitor and enemy to the crown. Bold move, seeing as Tywin owns half the Kingdom.
Baelish tells Ned, “Gold wins wars, not soldiers.”
Ned smarts off, “ORLY? Then why is Robert King and not Tywin Lannister?” He then beasts his chest, drops the mike, and walks out, arms outstretched.
The moon door is opened back in La La Land and the fight begins! Lady Bad Boob chastises Bronn for not fighting with honor, so he kicks over the candles and starts going to town on his opponent. Bam! Belly slice! Robin giggles. ZAP! Hammied! Bronn pins his attacker down and balances him at the edge of the moon door. FINISH HIM. Sword throat! The blood burbles from under the dead man’s helmet and he topples through the hole, endlessly circling through the clouds below.
Robin is confused (because he’s an idiot and creeper) “But, but..! Can I make the little man fly, now?”
“Not this little man,” Tyrion smugly retorts as he collects his things, his things being a pouch of gold coins. He tosses the coins to Mord who instantly dreams of buying a Burberry Truncheon to show his status. “That is well fit! I is looking well bling’d!”
Sansa and her nurse are doing a little stitchery back in King’s Landing, and Sansa is growing to be quite the brat, mouthing off at every opportunity. Speaking of brats, Joffrey saunters in, flings a nice golden bauble around her neck (a lion, symbolizing the Lannister house) and takes her by the hand and really sells it.
“’Cause you’re my laaaaaaaaaaady!”
She bats her eyes and replies, “And you are my maaaaaan! Whenever you reach for me I’ll do all that I can!”
He kisses her tenderly and tells her how he’ll never disrespect her again, he’ll be super sweet and buy her things, blah blah blah. Ladies, don’t ever buy it. Once a whiny mean crybaby, always a whiny mean crybaby.
It’s been almost an hour and we’ve not yet seen Ros, the most popular whore in the whoredom. Oh, wait, there she is, riding in the back of a turnip cart. Greyjoy spots her, wants to know where she’s going, I mean, how is he going to deal with her leaving? Masturbate? She rolls her eyes, there’s money to be made in King’s Landing, and besides, with the Lannisters and Starks at each other’s throats, it’s probably safer there. He tosses her a coin, she lifts her skirts and grants him one last look at her trim quim. There’s a reason why she’s so popular, and I’m guessing because she keeps it cleaned up down stairs.
Back in King’s Landing, Ned tells his girls to pack up, they’re going home. Arya can’t go, because she’s finally getting good at, um, “dance lessons!” Sansa rolls her eyes. She can’t go because she loves her weasel-faced Princeling, she wants to marry him and give him babies! Ned swallows his rising bile at the thought and says he’ll find her a worthy, brave man to marry.
“I don’t want someone brave and gentle and strong, I want him!”
Ha ha ha, at least she sees him for who he is. “And I’ll give him blond sons-”
Hold up, wait a minute! Ned has a brain attack. Blond. All of Robert’s bastard children have dark hair. Hey, you finally cottoned on, did you?
Daenerys, fully recovered from eating cheval, celebrates with her people. Viserys staggers in, drunk, demanding a seat with her and Drogo. Drogo points to the door, but Viserys is tired of playing second fiddle to his sister. Speaking of, he traded his sister for a crown, and he would like Drogo to give him his damn crown, I thank you very much.
Viserys pulls his sword, knowing that the place they’re celebrating in is a holy place, and the Dothraki won’t shed blood there. It seems he has the upper hand as he jabs his sword at his sister’s belly, threatening to take her, cut the baby out, and leave it for Drogo. The Khal has a few words in his native tongue with his First, and Dany blinks, understanding what he means. We don’t. But we will, oh lord, will we ever.
She steels herself and tells her brother, “You shall have a golden crown that men shall tremble to behold.”
“Thank you,” he says, preening. “I mean, that’s all I wanted, and you guys were all ‘eh, we don’t like you, we like your sister,’ and I was all ‘but I am your king!’ and wait.. wait a minute, what are you doing? Unhand me!”
Drogo’s men hold him in place and break one of his arms. Dany never takes her eyes off her brother. Drogo whips off some of his golden bling and tosses it in a cauldron that is evidently capable of getting to 1942F, grabs it by the handles, and carries it over to a horrified Viserys.
Viserys cries and begs Daenerys to overlook all of the inappropriate boob stroking and abuse and to please save him. Drogo tells him grimly, “Here is your crown” and dumps the molten gold over his head as he writhes and screams and steams. The men let go of his arms and he falls heavily to the floor, his gold-encased head thunking on the ground. He did not have a successful roll.
Daenerys looks at him and says, “He is no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon.” OH SNAP. Guess who’s hands were all uncharred with the burning hot dragon egg holding?
Next Week: We finally meet Tywin Lannister and it looks like Ned confronts the Queen about the flowers in her attic.