Real Housewives of New Jersey – 3.02 “Drop Dead Gorgas”

My husband can even make a dress sexy! Kinda!

There’s a missing comma in the title, I wonder if the editors/producers noticed? Also, I read that Melissa (Jesus Spice) and Bro Joe hired a Michael Jackson impersonator at their baby’s christening. Who else but a famewhore would think that was a good idea? Shamone! Oh, and the Gorgas five year old daughter, Antonia, performed a special “dance” for her baby brother. Is this a thing? Do people do this at christenings? OK, I admit I’m not familiar with Christian rituals like this, but still. I MEAN, OPEN BAR FOR A CHURCH SERVICE. Really?

But this week we have the ubiquitous Posche (say: “posh” – gag) fashion show to enjoy. The editors gave us the opportunity to back out (never!!) by posting shots of the Laurita’s Halloween decorations: BEWARE. I’D TURN BACK. I MAY OR MAY NOT PAY MY TAXES. (That last one may have been brought over from the Guidices, come to think of it.)

As Gia and her sisters gouge faces into their pumpkins, Teresa takes a moment to catch Caroline and Jacqueline up on the “christening explosion.” Side note, but that sounds like a fabulous glitzy affair that Elton John and Liberace would host for their Pomeranians. I’d totally go, you know they’d have Louboutin ice sculptures for Baileys shots. And there would be shiny gift bags filled with vag-dazzle and Moet in split bottles. Count me in!

“So I didn’t do nuthan, I just axed them if they heard my congrats at the church, then I said it again. I’m being a classy lady and she ax like a prostitute hoo-ah and my bruthah is just an animal! Oh, Jackie, ya nails are perfection. GIA! COME DO THAT DANCE FA MY FRIENDS, THE ONE ABOUT SEX IN THE AIR AND WHIPS AND CHAINS.”

Gia looks up, shoots her mother some evil side-eye, then goes back to gouging a hole in the top of a fresh, no forehead-having pumpkin.

Caroline blinks for a minute, adjusts her Hermes scarf, and calmly asks, “Where are the kids in all of this?” And that’s when Teresa shuts down. You do not give Teresa Guidice advice on what to do with her family, you just listen to her bitch about family. (Side note, that is the worst. If you find yourself the type that just wants to tell people about your misery, but shut down any offer of advice they have, you’re a shitty person. Cut that out.)

Over at Kathy’s, she and Rich are cooking. Correction, Rich wants to cook, but Kathy just wants him to entertain her while she cooks. Ha, that’s pretty much how it is in my house, too. I don’t want to have to explain what to do while I’m stirring the risotto. Bro Joe and Jesus Spice are coming over for dinner to complain on camera about the recent fight. Kathy and Rich just want them all to heal their problems and cut this shit out.

Joe has on his homage to “Rocky” outfit and starts filling up with Ronny-esque ‘Roid Rage. Jesus Spice starts complaining about how Teresa and Juicy had an hour long dance (good lord, that’s a long song. What was it, the live version of “Layla?”) with her baby. I mean, you guys, that’s a sacred day. They shouldn’t be all sweet and affectionate to the baby.

It boils down to the Gorgons (look at her hair and tell me that’s not appropriate!) going to the Guidices christening last year and being ignored. Tangential, in an interview Melissa essentially said that they were pissed that they didn’t benefit from Teresa’s newfound fame. WOW. So this is who we’re dealing with here, let’s be clear.

Rich, the Lebanese Jeff Goldblum (I know, right!?) tries to bring some levity to the situation as Bro Joe – who is getting apoplectic – by fake punching at him and telling Joe to chill out a little. For a blink of an eye, Bro Joe looked like he was about to Hulk out at Rich. This isn’t the guy that laughs at a fake punch, faux Goldblum. He’s the guy that only laughs when a skinny kid tries to lift weights and hurts himself.

Rich and Kathy decide that this is all about how Teresa used to idolize Bro Joe, but Juicy had to tear Bro Joe down to feel good about himself in Teresa’s eyes. Or most likely his own. And… I can buy that. It’s all a bunch of childishness, but regardless, that seems like a reasonable assessment of who these people really are.

But I was promised a Posche (gag) fashion show. Kathy and Jesus Spice head over to the only clothing store in Wayne, New Jersey and chat it up with Kim D, the owner and local pot stirrer. It seems that Jacqueline and Teresa are going to “walk” in the show. Melissa tries on some tight, bright clothes (thank you, Jesus, for this rockin’ bod, amen *genuflect-finger-kiss*) and as she stomps around doing her “fierce” impression, they all applaud and coo and Kim D says that she wants her to walk in the show, too.

“Oh my gosh! This is all so sudden, really? Little ol’ shy, retiring me? But I’ve never walked the runway before!”

Bitch, please, this is some spangledy affair in bumfrak-New Jersey, it’s not Milan.

She immediately changes facial expressions to Sashsa Fierce and tells all them bitches that she will own that mofo. Fa Jesus. This woman has layers. Not like an onion, more like a lemon. Bright and shiny on the outside and one dimension of sour inside.

A quake rattles the windows of the shop. Crickets, flies, and frogs begin to rain from the sky. Kathy throws her water bottle to the floor in horror; it’s filled with blood. Kim G has arrived. How is this woman allowed out in public? If Jesus Spice is horrible (and she is) Kim G is the kind of horrible that hasn’t been defined yet. Even Satan screws up his face in disgust at the sight of her.

“Hey, who are you? Are you on camera? Let’s be BFF! You know Teresa? She wishes she looked like me, she’s gross, I’m hot. I’m 54 and like to strip, that’s so sexual and glamorous, like me! Let me show you all of my diamonds that I cart around in my Bentley. I’m awful!” She barely can hide her lizard tail under the Spanx. Even Mel makes “ew!” faces about Kim G and kind of defends Teresa a touch. That should tell you just how awful Kim G is.

Caroline goes to get her hurr and makeups did by Lauren, her daughter. She has her own shop now (packed with QVC makeup, bless) and seems to be making a name for herself. Good for her. Of all the kids on this show so far, Caroline’s are my favorite. Funny, loving, and they put themselves to work. Good job, Caroline and Albert. (But how sad is it that people being responsible and average is the high water mark for reality show children?)

It’s Halloween, and the most awesome image in all of Real Housewives of New Jersey history is about to happen. Jesus Spice and Bro Joe get their kids dressed for trick or treating and Mel slips on some demon horns to be Tee Hee!Satan Spice for an hour. Those are some long ass driveways the kids have to schlep up and they only get “fun sized” Bit-o-Honeys for the effort. Come on, Franklin Lakes, pull out the full sized candy bars

At the Guidices, Teresa is dressed like Wonder Woman, if Wonder Woman had no forehead She has her two middle daughters holding out her cape as she “flies” around her house. She says, and I quote, “For Joe and I it’s all about the kids.” The kids aren’t even in costume yet. Gia just rolls her eyes. Oy, 9 going on 15, that one.

And here it is, the greatest thing ever. Back at the Gorgons, Tee Hee!Satan Spice and Bro Joe race up the stairs to get in costume (she’s already changed from Tee Hee to sweats, about to change again? Jesus, that’s a lot of laundry.) As they are filmed up stairs (in the top 7000 square feet of their mansion) the editors quick cut to the Gorgons’ precious baby (it’s precious to them, right? That’s why they had the Swarovsky crystal crosses and open bar celebration?) and THE BABY IS LYING ON THE DOOR MAT.

Like, if someone opened the door, it would smash through his little fontanel. He’s in a bat costume, blinking up at nothing. At the front god damned door. ON THE FLOOR. Woman, Jesus is not your co-pilot here.

Teresa dresses her girls up like rock stars (Taylor Momson style) but the baby gets the most awesome outfit ever put on a baby. Italian Sue Sylvester! Or Italian Run DMC, I can’t decide. I didn’t see if she was wearing weetiny Adidas with no laces, that would have been the coolest. Also, my respect for Teresa would have gone through the roof. Just imagine the props! Little turn tables, black shades and a pork pie hat!

No longer Satan Spice, Melissa now dresses up like a slutty cat (that’s what ladies are supposed to do for Halloween, right? Slutty businesswoman, slutty nun, slutty garbage collector, slutty zombie, slutty slut) and Bro Joe yanks up a gold spandex dress, slaps on a Snooki wig, and looks disturbingly like his sister. Mel takes a look at him, covers her face, and races back to her walk in closet.

Kathy and Rich get there and see this hot mess. “It’s like a dream wreck that you can’t look away from.” LOL. Speaking of wrecks, the Kims show up! Of course they do. Those bitches can smell a camera crew from 20 miles away. Kim D is dressed like “half a whore” (what?) and Kim G has some sad Party America slutty cat ear headband on and mascara stripes on her cheeks. Kitty Cat Spice walks dramatically down the stairs in her head to toe spandex and Kim G’s lizard tail lashes furtively against the tight “Not Your Daughter’s Jeans” she has squeezed over her body.

Kathy, it should be noted, is not too jazzed about these Kims. I think there’s hope for Kathy yet.

They go to “the” best club in West New Jersey, in that neighborhood, Club 466. It’s filled with juiced up gorillas and cougars, so you know it’s the best. Joe, looking more like a hybrid of Snooki and his sister now, rocks out on the floor, bumping and grinding. I think there’s a little dancing queen wanting to come out in Bro Joe, and Joe, honey, it’s okay. It gets better. (Too soon?)

Next day is an event at the Brownstone, but let’s not kid ourselves: everything happens at the Brownstone. Your funeral is going to be at the Brownstone. The next Rapture is going to happen tat the Brownstone. Albert dusts off the Miami Vice decorations from the 80s to make the place look “festive” and “fashionable.” Guh-Bless.

Teresa and Jacqueline have a little champagne before heading over; they’re visibly nervous, but for different reasons. Teresa doesn’t want shit with her family (or does she?) and Jacqueline is just baffled at her being a part of the “fashion show.” I do like that she’s not all about shoving her face in every camera in a “look at me! I’m sexy, kinda!” way.

Teresa knows that Melissa will be “walking the runway” but will not start anything, she’ll just say hi. I guess in Jersey speak a Teresa “hi” is the same as scratching your nails down someone’s face and calling them the C word.

Melissa, getting ready with Kathy, says that she is not going to accept anything less than an apology from Teresa. You know, because Teresa didn’t force a woman that doesn’t like her to go on a TV show with her, and because Teresa said “hi” at the christening, unleashing the Kraken that is Bro Joe.

Of course Teresa walks over and says hi to them both, gives them air kisses, and this is just the. Last. Straw. How dare she not make a public spectacle while Lauren and Company are slapping on makeup and over-spraying their hair? Caroline comes through the room, admires her daughter’s work, and chats everyone up, including Kathy and Jesus Spice, because she’s a class act.

Teresa, because she doesn’t know when enough is enough, calls over in her loudest, most nasal tone, CAROLINE. That was rude, T, just wait your turn, if you know Caroline is your friend, you shouldn’t feel threatened by her talking to anyone else.

It’s a full house out front, Kim D bumps and grinds up against one of the tables, trying to elicit excitement from the botoxed faces before her. Waiters struggle with plates of salad and antipasta loaded on their arms as they weave through the knock-off Prada bags hanging off the backs of chairs, the smell of Fekkai’s Hair Plump overwhelming their nasal passages.

And Jesus Spice’s delightful sisters Kim (really??) and Lysa are there, shooting dirty looks at Teresa, mouthing “what the fuck?” like the ladies they are. Kim G gets there and makes a huge scene as she winds her way to her seat.

“Hi everybody! Stop what you’re doing and look at me! Aren’t I shiny and tight? I hate most of you, but I will kiss your ass to find out dirt on anyone, don’t forget! I SAID LOOK AT ME.”

Kim D, who is not to be trusted, good hell this woman is fake as the past fifteen years of the Schwartzenegger-Shriver marriage, mouths to Caroline, “Look at her in a prom dress!” Are you just upset she didn’t buy the leopard-print version at your store, Kim “Posche” D?

The “models” all head backstage to get ready. Kathy tries to make nice with Caroline, but Caroline says that she and T are old friends, and until all of the Teresa family nonsense is handled, Caroline isn’t going to be buddies with anyone. You always know where you stand with the Manzos, like it or not.

The show starts. Massive martini glasses filled with blue LED rope lights let you know it’s a Classy Event. Jacqueline totters nervously down the runway, she is not wanting to be here. Bless, just walk, turn, and go back stage and have some drinks, cookie. Jesus Spice studied the George Michael video “Too Funky” and gives her best Linda Evangelista stomp down the runway. She’s clearly made a deal with the DJ to give her a dramatic entrance, the music stopped as she stepped out, then started back up as she “walked.”

Girlfriend loves the attention. So much so that she goes back for more. In that sad, ill-fitting dress that looked like it was made for a little girl. Much more Gymboree than Alexander McQueen. Next up is Teresa in a JWOWW by JWOWW one shoulder number. You can tell she is not happy about this, either. She has family that hates her, financial troubles that everyone in the audience knows about, and she’s just not feeling it. I do feel sorry for her on that front, it can’t feel good to be in a room with people that are bad mouthing you.

As she walks, Kim G fake whispers to her friend, “Should we boo Teresa?” Stay Classy, San Diego. Or rather, Go fuck yourself, Kim G.

It’s all over (thankfully) and Teresa and her Mama (mia) get some pictures taken. Jesus Spice is not happy about that, and tells her sisters that her mother-in-law hasn’t even come over to say how wonderful and beautiful and awesome she is! Sigh, she guesses she’ll just have to go over there and say hello like some kind of loser… Cue the Charlie Brown music.

“Oh, hale to the naw!” her sisters reply. The onus is on the mother in law, the elderly, more and more enfeebled lady to totter over here and pay obeisance to Melissa! I just do not understand how these ladies process data.

Kathy approaches Teresa backstage, tells her how great she looked, then asks for her to step aside in a private room (private, even though they’re both mic-ed?) so they can have a chat. Good idea to talk but bad time to talk, Kathy. Maybe leave and have coffee, facrissakes. She adopts the wrong tone right off the bat, and Teresa, who’s had a hell of a night already, is just not hearing it. She’s immediately defensive and shuts down.

Kathy then makes the mistake of mentioning how she pushed the stroller out of harm’s way (on the other side of the banquet hall, where all manner of family was sitting with the kids) with the implication that Teresa endangered her kids. You know, when she went to her brother to offer congratulations. That was so bad of Teresa. Really, folks? I think there’s going to be a lot of humble pie when they finally watch the tape objectively.

Teresa loses her shit, don’t you dare say she isn’t a good mother! “DO NOT GO THERE. UNATTENDED??” Please note that Melissa has been sneaking closer and closer to the private room and is eavesdropping like she’s essential to decoding Japanese war plans. Teresa’s mother gets involved and stomps-ah over to Katherine Sarducci Giovani Spicoli. “This-ah is-ah you cousin!” Lots of emphatic hand shaking. “You should-ah be ashamed of-ah you self!”

Look at your life! Look at your choices! Your life is going down the toilet! …sorry, Olympia Dukakis always comes to mind whenever an older Italian mother puts the smack down.

Caroline goes into proprietor/that’s my friend mode. She butts in, tells them to knock it off, this is not the place, they can go fight it out in the privacy of their own homes like the good Lord intended. *genuflect-finger-kiss* Kathy snaps out of it and realizes that this was probably not the best place for her conversation. Teresa is simply angry at having been called out (unfairly) as a bad mother. All of the spoiling brat-inticing aside, she’s not a neglectful mama, we can all agree there. I mean, it’s not like she left her baby on the floor of their entryway.


Next week! Teresa can’t pronounce cumin! Kathy tries to befriend Caroline! Melissa thinks they should move past the ugliness, or maybe they should just never talk to Teresa again! AN OMINOUS LETTER APPEARS. Can’t wait.

 (Comin’? KOO-MUN? Find out right here!)