The Bachelorette: Season Ashley episode 1

The Bachelorette can be seen Monday nights at 8|7c on ABC.

I have a LOVE/HATE/LOVE relationship with all things Bachelor/Bachelorette. This show is all things awesome and horrid, swirling around together in a vat of WTF. I swear after every season that I WILL NOT WATCH THIS AGAIN and then what happens? I sit on my couch with my giant tub of cheesy-poofs and a beer and I EAT IT UP. (the cheesy-poofs and the show.) I know this makes me a boob in every way and somehow, I am okay with that. (And let’s face it, so are you which is why you’re reading this. Admit it. You’re eating cheesy-poofs right now.)

We are going to do a brief recap of Episode 1 because really, other than what I’m highlighting, you didn’t miss much. What you did miss? 25 “Contestants” or as I like to call them “Douchetestants”, (and when it’s the Bachelor, I call them Ho-testants) vying for the hand of their one true TV love, Bachelorette Ashley (known from this point forward as Bashley).  The Douches exit the limo one at a time and do whatever they can to make a “1st Impression” on Bashley in hopes to win the 1st Impression Rose. (for those of you uneducated in the ways of Bachelor/Bachelorette: the 1st Impression Rose is the first rose given out prior to the actual Rose Ceremony. So if a Douche makes a (hopefully) good 1st Impression, the Bachelorette will hand him a rose and relieve him of the fear of being eliminated.) All the Douches are supremely gentlemanly and do things like kiss Bashley full on the lips, toss her over their shoulder like a CaveDouche, and spin her around or speak to her in French. As the Waterboy would say, “This is some high quality H2O.” (and by H2O, I mean…oh never mind. You get it.)

As with every Bachelor and Bachelorette show, there is always major concern that the contestants aren’t on the show for the right reasons. Like advancing their modeling/singing/acting career. No? That’s not why they’re there? OH! That’s right! They are all on the show to find true TV love. All of them. Every single one of them.

This year’s first “wrong reason” target is Bentley—a divorced Mormon with a two year old daughter. As far as I’m concerned, he’s got 2 strikes against him from the get go. For one, his name is Bentley.  And for the other reason, well it isn’t his daughter…I’m sure Bentley is gonna have to get bent at some point in the show. But we’ll see. He’s got at least one more chance because right reason or not, he did make the cut. He now has a 1 in 18 chance to be Bashley’s one true TV love.

The Douche who doesn’t have a chance in Hell of being picked is Tim McCormack. Bashley eliminates his drunken passed-out ass even before the rose ceremony. Sorry Tim. We ladies are funny like that. We either pass out together or nobody passes out. Also Tim? You were snoring.  And possibly drooling. Wait, now that I think about it, maybe he should have actually gotten the 1st impression rose! (Oh. Right. GOOD impression. My bad. These TV Love Rules are so confusing.)

The 1st Impression Rose actually went to Ryan Park who, as the host Chris Harrison pointed out “rubs the other guys the wrong way.” (hint: more lotion will help with that.) But Ryan is in-it-to-win-it and he was the first guy to pull Bashley aside for some one-on-one time at the cocktail party.

Six more Douchetestants are eliminated at the rose ceremony, bringing the total remaining to 18 for Episode 2.

I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t mention the one Douchetestant who didn’t get eliminated but totally would have in the real world. However, I’m sure Bashley has been told to keep this guy around as long as possible because, damn, he makes for some good unReality TV.

The Phantom of the BacheloretteMeet Jeff Medolla. He is wearing a MASK so that Bashley will get to know him for who he is on the INSIDE. (because crazy is so hard to see when you’re wearing a mask…) There is so much sawesome (sad+awesome) in this dud (was supposed to be dude, but I’m totally leaving it as is) that I can’t wait to see more. BECAUSE really. A MASK? You are a grown man, right? And it isn’t Halloween or a Masquerade ball…yes? Okay then. Yes, Bashley is going to totally get to know you for who you are…Oh and the best part of this whole thing and the #1 reason to watch this show? They play the Phantom of the Opera music when he comes on camera.


Stay tuned for the Episode 2 recap where someone will say: “I wish I had a white mask…”