The Bachelorette: Season Ashley episode 2

Hi. My name is MelF and I’m an addict to Douchebaggery.

Sorry I’m a week behind folks. But I’m hoping to catch up this week so that next week’s post will so fresh, and so clean, clean!

Episode 2 starts off with the host Chris Harrison announcing that the show has been on for-damn-ever and nothing ever changes and if you don’t get a rose on your 1-on-1 date, then your ass is gone. He gets paid loads of dough to tell us that. I need his job. They really should consider me as hostess. I’m funnier than Chris and I have a great rack. Win/Win.

We have your typical “warm up” conversations and interviews with the Douchetestants at the beginning of the show and that’s when we hear The Masked man announce that he’s taking “The Stealth approach.” And yes, due to the heat, he wishes he had a white mask. I’m not sure which is worse? That he thinks that wearing a mask is ‘stealthy’ or that he wants a white mask because it’s hot. I mean…would the mask color really make that much difference? I suppose in the Land of Sawsome, it does.

The first 1-on-1 date: William Holman. Bashley admits she’s not sure that Will is ready to go the distance (aka get married) so she’s going to put him to the test.They eat wedding cake, try on rings, and meet a minister. Will nearly shits his pants a few times. He’s actually worried they are going to get hitched today;. right then and there. (it’s like he’s never seen the show.) Bashley dons a pretty white dress  (that’s a tad skimpy & too casual for a TV wedding, but not skanky enough for Vegas wedding so you know it ain’t real) and walks down the aisle as the minister starts the ceremony. Will gulps and says “I do.” when asked if he will take Bashley blah blah blah. It’s Bashley’s turn next and she lets poor William off the hook, “I will eventually.” In the private interview Bashley says, “I still have 17 other guys to consider.” You go girl. Of course, even before dinner, Bashley says “I know it’s too soon to say this, but I think I’m already falling for Will.” Oh Bashley. You have 17 other guys to consider, remember?

So Bashley and Will head to the Belagio Hotel for dinner–but not just ANY dinner. No, they take a boat to the center of the hotel fountain and dine al fresco. Or would that al H20? Will shares a touching story about his father dying to alcoholism and how he has kept his watch set to the same date and time as when his father passed. Bashley apparently also has an alocholic father, so this admission of Will’s touched her deeply. She takes a big swig of champagne (a great source of irony) and asks William to accept the rose and stay for the next show.

Meanwhile back at the ranch…

The Mask is really convinced Bashley will fall for him once they spend some time together. Imagine his disappointment when 12 of the 17 remaining Douchetestants are invited to Vegas on the group date, and he isn’t one of them. So sorry, Mask.

Bashley greets the 12 Douches wearing a pink gingham Ellie Mae Clampit shirt and tight jeans. They all drool openly, because all chicks look hot in pink gingham. Duh. The group enters the Monte Carlo where they see the “Jabbawockeez” perform. Bashley disappears from the group only to reemerge center stage. If there’s one thing I can say about Bashley, the girl’s got a body and some dance moves. Ain’t no doubt about it. The Douchetestants all carry books in front of their popped tents.

The guys are divided into 2 groups of 6. They are going to have to choreograph a hip hop performance Jabbawockeez style. The winning group stays and dates Bashley and will perform live. The losers are flown home.

I won’t bore you with the details, just know that most of these white boys ain’t got no rhythm and seriously, nobody looks good in the creepy Jabbawockeez mask.

The Bachelorette has a Mask Fetish this season.

The “winning” team (and let’s face it, they were just the ‘best of the worst’) was No Rhythm Nation (Duh) made up of Nick, Bentley (gag), Ben F., Lucas, Blake and West. (East was too busy looking North for South.)

So the 6 guys and Bashley go to a cocktail party together and only 3 of them actually get some 1-on-1 time with Bashley.

Blake is a dentist. They are both Type A.She smiled. He checked her teeth and offered some floss. Wow. I’m glued to the TV. Can’t. Look. Away…zzzzzzzz fucking snoozefest.

West is a widower, he and his first wife were together seven years and only married 9 months before she died. It even plucked at my black heart strings. He says he’s “ready to put himself back out there.” and Bashley is like “Whoa. Dude. Thanks for sharing but you really wrecked my flow. I need to snort a line to restart my party.” (side note: Yay for putting yourself out there, but really West? Don’t you think the Bachelorette is possibly the wrong direction (har har) for dating again?) <open inflammatory gossip hour: Apparently West’s wife drowned in a bathtub. She had a history of seizures and West was cleared of any involvement…however, the wife’s family isn’t so sure he wasn’t involved. /inflammatory gossip hour.>

And now for my absolutely favorite Douche ever. The Douchiest of the Douches. Even more douchy than the Masked Douche. Bentley. (gag)

As Bashley and Bentley (gag) walk down the hall, we get to see a private interview with Bentley (gag) saying: “She has a great body. Amazing butt and rocking legs. And having her tickle my pickle (or peter), I mean that would be amazing.” (I’m unsure if it was pickle or peter because the show bleeped it out) Remember last week when I introduced Bentley (gag)? He’s a Mormon. I’m pretty sure him saying “tickle my pickle” goes against the doctrine. (Stoney? wanna weigh in here?)

So we’re in the room, they’re having their chitty-chat time and Bentley (gag) confesses that it really worried him when she waited to give him a rose LAST at the Rose Ceremony. She chastises him for being insecure and he starts having word vomit because he likes the sound of his own words and she tells him to shut up and listen because he really has nothing to worry about. And this ends up turning into Bashley begging Bentley (gag) to stay. “Please stick around. Please. Please. Please.” Seriously girl? I know you aren’t aware of some of the “private” things he’s saying to the camera, but this tool is making a fool of you. For instance:

When asked about the possibility of marrying Bashley he said, “”I mean, that just sounds terrible. I would literally rather be, like, swimming in pee than trying to plan my wedding with her. Because I’m not thinking like, omigosh, this is like the girl of my dreams. I’m thinking, like, she’s not my type.” ”

Naturally, Bentley (gag) being the top-notch douche that he is, gets the immunity Rose from the group date. And his response was so gentlemanly he made me swoon. “Can we just bag this and go play blackjack? … It’s almost like the game’s over before we even push the start button. Like, let’s not even play.”

Y’all, this is a 2 hour show. Damn I’m drunk and swollen from all the beer (this week’s choice, Diamond Bear Two Term Double IPA) and cheesy-poofs.

Okay, the next 1-on-1 date is decided over a coin flip. Mickey wins over JP. They go to Mandalay Bay and flip coins over everything. Flippity doo da. I need to go to the bathroom! Let’s flip to see if I do #1 or #2! Blah, blah, they share a moment, blah, blah Bashley decides to flip a coin to see if Mickey gets a rose! Doh! You better hope it’s heads dude! Bashley was just joking, hahahah, and guess what, here’s your rose. Watch the thorn! They go to a private concert with Colbie Callait and now we enter the manufactured cheese part of the show.

Cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony and Bashley pulls JP aside for some alone time. Of course, since he lost the coin toss he decides to beat a now dead horse and tells her heads he gets a kiss, tails he doesn’t. It was tails. OH NOES! Don’t worry, JP. Bashley wants to wrassle tongues with you anyway.

Nick is ready for some alone time with the girl of the hour but Will swoops in and steals her away. Will who already has a rose. Bastard! Nick is pouty. Will says boring things and I pass out from the beer fall asleep for a moment.

But I wake up because Masked Jeff is on the prowl! And he’s gonna strip it down for Bashley! Yes, he’s ready for the big reveal. (I was looking for the Mystery Van and hoping Fred and Velma would show up for the big reveal!) But the reveal was foiled by Matt. (good job setting up the Maskus Interruptus, producers!) Matt cuts in, and poor Masked Jeff must ride off into the sunset, still cloaked. The Lone Deranger rides again.

Ben C. sits Bashley down next and I really don’t care what he says at this point, I’m falling asleep again. Put on a mask, Ben C. and I’ll pay attention.

Just when we think we’re done with Super Douche, he shows back up. Bentley (gag) says he’s gonna turn on the charm and kiss her. He swoops in, lifts her onto his lap and while cradling her, says, “You look kinda tired of talking,” and he just smooth-up makes out with her like it was his job. I will admit, had this been done by anyone other than Super Douche (or The Mask), I probably would have liked it, just like Bashley did. Of course, then we go to the interview and what does Super Douche say? “Wow. That was kinda boring. Started out good, but it sucked towards the end.”

Douchetastic. I love him. He makes me wanna get down on my knees…except I’d be afraid he might tell me it started out good but… Can we make the Super Douche fly, Mummy? (oops, wrong show)

Blah, blah, blah Bashley dumps 3 dudes from the losing group date team: Matt, Stephen, and Ryan. And we don’t even know they’re gone…

Remember: The Bachelorette can be seen Monday nights at 8|7c on ABC. Stay tuned for episode 3 where a Super Douche supposedly eliminates himself…