Cheesy-poofs? Check. 6-pack? Check. Endless buffet of Massengill Super Douches? Check. Check. Check.
This episode is rated DD (and we’re not talking about Bashley’s tits, am I right?),(<–note my awesome use of foreshadowing please) No, DD stands for a Double Dose of Douchebaggery! (Okay, technically that should be a rating of DDD but DD worked better for the awesome foreshadowing so work with me here.)
Show starts with show previews (which I don’t get. We’re WATCHING the show. Why are you giving us preview bullet points of what we‘re about to see? Don’t you want us to keep watching?) Chris Harrison comes on to remind us he’s overpaid and that if you don’t get a rose on a date, you go the way of the Dodo. (Dear ABC, seriously, I’m cuter, funnier, and have a better rack and would do Chris’s job for a shit-ton less than what you’re paying him. Let’s talk…)
Bashley walks into the house to pick up her 1-on-1 date, Ben. He’s a New Orleans attorney and pretty cute and funny and she looks hot and he seems to appreciate it even though not-so-secretly I’m wondering if he’s got one foot out of the closet. Could just be me…I dunno. Anyway, I don’t dislike Ben even though he uses the word “journey” in his private interview. Everyone take a shot.
As you should know by now, Bashley is a pretty talented dancer with a rockin’ bod. She takes Ben to a dance studio, teaches him this dance she choreographed on her own, then they go to a park WHERE THEY TAKE PART IN A FLASH MOB. Yes, Bashley set this up through Flash Mob America. Anyway, Ben kinda looks at her like she’s an idiot when she bats her eyelash weave at him and asks him to dance in the middle of the park. Where everyone is just watching them. He goes for it with her, then a few hundred people join in. Then Far East Movement hops up on stage and performs, razor wounds fresh from the self-mutilation they were doing backstage for selling out. At dinner, Ben confesses he wants to love like nobody has loved before and live in a bubble of love. And she’s all I LOVE BUBBLE YUM. Then she gives him a rose and kisses him.
Next up: THE WORST GROUP DATE IDEA EVER KNOWN TO MAN. Seriously. Whoever decided that making all the guys ROAST a very insecure woman on a group date must be a mean drunk. The group date Douches are Lucas, Ryan, Ames, Blake,
Jeff The Mask, Nick, Ben F., Chris, Bentley (gag), William.
BUT before we roast Bashley, let’s first unmask The Mask. Bashley comes in to greet the guys and her tee-tiny tush barely touches the couch before The Mask asks for a moment of her time. He’s all “What’s up?” and she’s all “You tell me.” And he’s all “It’s time to unmask myself because I feel something for you and I know you have gotten to know me for the person I am on the inside.” And she’s all, *crickets* and then he takes off the mask and says “Hi I’m Jeff.” she’s all *REALLY LOUD CRICKETS* And the best part of the awkward silence? Up on the screen pops a squirrel eating a nut and then it pans to a bird that caws. And the camera goes back to Bashley who is still so unimpressed even I’m feeling uncomfortable. SAWESOME. Her reaction in the interview? “Yeah, I’m glad he finally took it off. He’s a lot older than I thought he was.”
Fast forward to the roast aka THE WORST GROUP DATE IDEA EVER KNOWN TO MAN. Needless to say, after a few jokes about her small tits and one really bad joke from Will about how he was taking Brad Womack’s sloppy seconds (Bashley was the ‘losing ho-testant’ from the last season of Bachelor) and that he had been disappointed it was Ashley and not Emily or Chantal (2 other ho-testants from Brad’s show).
Now, was that fun to hear for Bashley? No. But suck it up sister. IT’S A FUCKING ROAST. And that’s what a roast is about. And you knew this going in so really? Why are you all crying and shit.
Oh, so Bentley (gag) can swoop in and make you feel all better. But prior to him saving the day, he tells the camera that he can’t miss a chance to mess with her head. (I am well aware that this show is posting voice overs and interviews out of sequence and out of context. That doesn’t make Bentley(gag) any less of a Super Douche.) Bentley makes all the bad feelings go away with his Super Douche powers and Bashley thinks he’s so genuine and there without ulterior agenda.(cue foreshadowing) She digs him. Lots and lots and lots. And he loves digging at her. It’s a match made in Bachelorette Broken Heart Heaven.
She continues to cry for a while and tells all the guys that one joke about wishing she had been one of the “pretty girls” (yes, because she’s so fugly she needed to be wearing the mask) really hit her at her core. Because she’s insecure and whiney and was totally afraid she wasn’t the one they would want (you’re the one that I want! ooh ooh ooh, honey.) William explains during a private moment with Bashley that he was going for the jugular because that’s the true spirit of the roast and he thought she was ready for it. She said she wasn’t and she’s all sad, and he says,” Fine. I’m out. It’s the only right thing to do.” And she’s all, “I just wanted him to comfort me!” Sweetie, get a snuggie.
There is a very dramatic montage of dramatic running, sitting, sitting and running as the cameras follow Will out the door into Emoville. Blah, blah, blah, Will decides to stay.
Ryan comes in and is so sweet and funny and charming and completely saves the day. And after she sticks her tongue down his throat he walks away with the group date rose.
Because Bashley hasn’t been through enough, she decides to confront Bentley (gag) about a warning she’d received from a mutual friend about him. Basically she was told he was there to promote his business and that his plan was to be there no more than 2 weeks. Bashley admits she gets warm and tingly in her girly parts when he’s around and is worried he’s the one who’s gonna hurt her and says if he chose to leave that “it would be harder than anything I went through last season.” (cue more foreshadowing) Then she says, “You feel it right?” and he says, “Yeah. There’s a feeling there for sure.” (eye roll)Then she scoots next to him and when he doesn’t take the hint, she forces his arm around her. Of course, right after that, they show an interview where he says, “Whew, that was fuckin’ close. I’m still here, Ashley is head over heels and I’m probably gonna get a rose.”
Nope. Sorry, Super Douche.
Next day, we see Bashley taking a walk and reflecting on how awesome Super Douche is and how she’s totally falling for him and how her one-on-one made her “completely fall in love with him” and she would totally grab Bentley right now and take off to Salt Lake City. (seriously? DUDES WE GET IT. SUPER DOUCHE IS GONNA SUPER FLY THE COOP)
After Bashley’s walk, we go to Super Douche where he says, “Ashley’s not my type and I don’t wanna be here anymore.” The Mask asks him what’s up while he’s packing and he’s like “It’s time bro, it’s time.” He says he really misses his daughter but that’s not really why he’s leaving. He’s just not that into her.
He tells the guys he’s going because he misses his kid and can’t be away from her anymore and all the dudes are like “See ya.”
Super Douche says, “I played everyone.” BOOYAH BITCHES.
He’s headed to Bashley’s to break the bad news. He says “Heart break is worse than any illness,” and then he finishes it off with, “I hope my hair looks okay.”<–I’M NOT MAKING THAT UP.
Bentley describes Bashley as an “ugly duckling”. He knocks on the door and she answers, all confused. “Hi. What’s going on? You’re scaring me.” He says, “Had a good morning?” REALLY, DUDE?
He hugs her and breaks the news that he misses his daughter and then he hem haws and she says “are you leaving?” he says, “Yeah.”
For someone who isn’t into Bashely, he touches her constantly. Plays with her face and hair and tells her that he just can’t stand the thought of his daughter missing him so he has to go.
She cries, they hug, they dry hump. She cries some more.
OK FOLKS. SHE HASN’T EVEN BEEN ON A SINGLE ONE-ON-ONE DATE but she tells him that he has her heart and she doesn’t know if this will work for her now. SWEETHEART, MOVE ON. HE IS A SUPER DOUCHE. THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER THAT COULD HAPPEN.
Another great Bentley quote “It’s annoying to hold a girl that’s crying and crying and crying.” She seriously straddled him on the couch and almost throws herself at him. I am so sad for her right now because she totally bought the Super Douche Bridge he was selling.
He leaves (in the rain, no less). Says some more awesome things. She throws herself under the covers and makes emo seem like rainbows and butterflies. Hide the razors and pills!
Okay, “Moving On” now… it’s one-on-one date time with JP (who I actually really like. He’s not a douche at all and seems rather sweet, funny and genuine.) They have a “home” date Bashley admits she’s had a rough 24 hours but really wants their date to be about them. He brings her flowers, they share wine and decide to enjoy their relaxing evening at home in their PJs. (JP loses points because he did say, “I’m in this for the ‘right reasons.’) [everyone take a shot!] He gets a rose. They make out. Super Douche who? Bashley even says, “JP over Bentley (gag) in the kiss department.”
Rose ceremony: Bashley is all sparkled up but cancels the cocktail party anyway. She cries on Chris Harrison’s shoulder and again we see how overpaid he is when he says, “Rough week, because of Bentley?” REALLY? “I can tell in your eyes you’re hurting.” REALLY?
The ‘big surprise’(at least to the guys) in the ceremony is that Will gets a rose despite his roasting. Chris D. & Jeff the Mask are out. Along with Bentley(gag). The (actual) mask is tossed in a fire, and I’m pretty sure Bashley was imagining Super Douche going up in flames as well.
Next week we go to Thailand. There’s drama on the horizon. Nothing like a little male insecurity to stir things up… Oh and rumor has it, Super Douche shows back up in episode 5.