Okay folks, every season we get the boring show and I’m not gonna lie to ya, this one was a freaking snoozer. Big time. I’ll do my best to recap this in a way that won’t put you to sleep.
We open the show with Mr. Overpaid coming into the house of douches where he says he hopes they realize how serious Bashley is. Then he announces they will be leaving the douche house forever and continuing their journey to love in Phuket, Thailand. (That’s Poo-Ket not Fuck It. But really, how appropriate…) High fives and chest bumps and boy roars all around! We’re going to
Fuck It! Thailand.
Let’s pan to Thailand where Bashley is lounging in a canoe in a white bikini rockin’ her rockin’ itty-bitty-tittied bod. We are 7:06 into the show and she has mentioned Super Douche 110 times. Bentley(gag) is gone but not forgotten. I realize that she has no idea at this point what a tool he has been, but come on, sister. You’re in Thailand with 12 Douchetestants. Get busy with it.
First date card is Constantine. “Let’s Sea Phuket together.” Oh how punny and smart you are. *eye roll* So Constantine and Bashley hook up to take a boat to a private beach. It’s storming. A little Thai dude comes out wearing a parka and says stuff they don’t understand and then finally he says without subtitles “Can’t go out. Weather bad.”
They then go on the most boring date ever and shop and find a translator to talk to an old dude who’s been married 37 years. He offers the advice of forgive and forget and then tells Constantine “don’t try to win.”
I’m sorry. I just fell asleep. Let me clean up my drool puddle.
Beers and small talk later, Constantine says he’s happy with their date and is excited about discovering the mystery of Thailand and the mystery of Bashley. I really hope he doesn’t think we believe him. Dude, your date sucked. I went to Thailand and all I got was this sucky date.
They are still talking about stupid shit and I’m still yawning.
Back at the house and the dudes are all talking about how Constantine is probably making out with Bashley hardcore right now. Then they have a hen party and gossip about who all has kissed Bashley. JP is all jealous and surprised. Now look. I like you JP but c’mon. Bashley’s tongue is pretty damn promiscuous. Plus that’s kinda Bashley’s job right now…to kiss every dude in order to get over the Super Douche. I mean, to find her one true douche.
Meanwhile back on a bed on the beach… The most boring date continues and Bashley tells Constantine she loves the ‘realness’ of him and then I fall asleep but wake up just in time to see her hand him a rose. Wow.
More talk about Super Douche and how her heart is still aching but she’s hopeful again.
Next up, the Group Date. Bashley says “Maybe some of you guys know there was a tsunami back in 2004…” whoa? What? No! Anyway, they are going to work at an orphanage that was set up for kids who lost their parents in the tsunami that no one has ever heard about.
And now the man drama starts. Or as one dude says, “Out come the man claws.” Lots of the dudes start bitching about how Ryan gets on their nerves and how different he acts around Bashley than he does around them and how he’s an attention whore. Dudes. Your man-ginas are showing. Put your panties back on.
Okay, again, I’m bored. I like this date…I mean, the kids were totally stoked about their newly painted rooms, but damn this is boring tv. I need a shot of jagermeister to make it all better. Be right back.
One-on-one time with Ben F. and Bashley’s tongue finds its way into his mouth. Her tongue is such a ho!
One-on-one time with Ryan. She likes Ryan. He’s good with her. Says the right things. He’s really sweet and positive with her and the boys and their man-ginas are threatened by it. Blah blah blah. Be right back, I need another shot.
One-on-one time with JP and lots more kissing. There is definite chemistry between these two and I think JP is hot. And apparently Bashley’s tongue really likes his tongue. Oh who am I kidding, Bashley’s tongue likes everyone’s tongue.
It’s group date rose time, the man-ginas are all whining in private time about Ryan bettah NOT get a rose. If she’s into him, ain’t no way she can be into me. Blah blah blah, I need a shot.
I’m almost sad Ryan didn’t get the rose. Ben F. walked away a winner. He barely contained his excitement. I think his monotone voice actually almost changed pitch.
One-on-one date with Ames (WHO NAMES THESE PEOPLE?) It’s RAINING again. They do get to go on a boat and Ames tells Bashley he’s been to Thailand before and then he regales her with stories of his awesomeness and she’s all entranced…or possibly she’s sleeping with her eyes open. I know I am…
I wake up and they are kayaking. The best quote from Ames on this date? “Navigating these beautiful caves is exactly like navigating a relationship.” Really? REALLY?
Guess what I need? Another shot of jager. Beer isn’t even an option for this show.
Bashley really likes Ames after this snoozefest date and says she thinks she would have overlooked him if Bentley(gag) was still around. WE GET IT. SUPER DOUCHE WORKED HIS MAGIC IN THE 42 MINUTES YOU SPENT WITH HIM. Seriously girl, you’ve got 12 guys who want to be with you, let Super Douche go!
Holy crap, Ames and Bashley didn’t kiss! There is a mouth on this planet that her tongue didn’t jump into! But get this quote…which might actually be the best quote ever from Ames: “ASHLEY AND I DIDN’T KISS TONIGHT BUT WE DID SOMETHING MUCH MORE INTIMATE THAN KISS. WE TALKED ABOUT VERY SERIOUS THINGS AND I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE A STRONG FOUNDATION TO BUILD ON.”
Dude. You got a rose but not a kiss and she’s kissing everyone that isn’t running away? Welcome to your new neighborhood as the Not Gay Best Friend. Build a great house, you’re gonna live there forever.
Okay, the cocktail party and rose ceremony and Blake’s man-gina takes over and he whines more about Ryan and then confronts him. I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. C’mon dude. Man the fuck up. Seriously.
Bashley takes West aside and asks him if he’s really ready to move on (remember he’s the widower…his wife of 9 months drowned in the bathtub). He says he is, but Bashley isn’t convinced. I admire her tactic here, she basically was warning him he was going home. And he did. It’s not you, it’s your dead wife dude. Sorry. And he’s the only guy to go. Bashley asked for an extra rose tonight…
Okay, after 5 shots of jager, I’m feeling no pain from this awfully boring episode. I hope I didn’t put you to sleep in the recap. If so, believe me, reading it was still 100 times better than watching it.
Coming soon! The return of Super Douche…