Bingo card and tonight’s cocktail, which is the Pensive Father:
Will and Shrewi have dinner with Will’s parents, and he drops the bomb: they’re having a baby! Shrewi is not happy about that, what with her not actually being pregnant, not that Will needs to know that or anything. Will’s father waxes philosophic about how scary it is to be a dad and how his life is filled with regrets and how he is kinda unfulfilled because he wanted to be a lawyer, but Will came along so he sold insurance instead. Thanks, Dad, glad I could ruin your dreams for a better life by simply existing. [Drink to dull the pain]
In Glee Club, Will is teaching the kids some older white dude dance moves, and… they’re not good. Quinn and Santana put Rachel up to finding a dance instructor, some hard ass that’s known for getting groups through to Nationals. Quinn asks Mr. Schuester, “Did you ever perform? I mean, after high school?” OUCH, sister! Will has a sad, because he’s just been hit in the face with another reminder that he’s unfulfilled.
Emma tries to make it all betters. “It takes more guts than talent to be a star. Look at John Stamos!” Ahahaha. Remember this was said, new folks just starting to watch the show. Just…. remember Emma mocked John Stamos. Will tries to change the subject by asking how it’s going with her and Ken. She responds by scrubbing her vegetables furiously. That well, huh?
Sandy, the hateful gay predator stereotype, is inexplicably there in the lounge, telling the table about a conversation he’d had with the shop teacher. “I said you’re going to have a campus of Nancys unless you get some hot wood in those teenagers’ hands!” I’m ashamed to have laughed at this so very obvious joke. I’m not made of stone, folks (I’m just named that way.)
The shop teacher, who is missing his thumbs (due to a cough syrup addiction leading him to doze off at the table saw) comes back from medical leave. The guys (Will, Ken Tanaka, Henry Bamboo – a co-worker of Terri’s,) and start singing, “For he’s a jolly good fellow” in four part harmony and HOLY SHIT, you guys, THEY ARE DECENT SINGERS. Will looks at the camera and busts out “This is how we do it!” and I start laughing because I say that in my house all the time, in that same voice and beat.
They form an a capella group. Crescendudes? Testoster-tones? NO. THEY WILL BE THE ACAFELLAS. (I would have liked them to have been “Pitch Slapped.” Yeah, that would have awesome, thanks.) Sandy wants to join, but they’re all, “No thanks, Uncle Creepy.”
Shrewi is super turned on by her husband being in a boy band (ahaha) so they’re constantly boning [DRINK!] but we know it’s just that she’s trying to finally conceive. Will is too wrapped up in his boy band to be interested in Glee anymore. Uh, way to multi-task your job and hobby, bro. He tells the kids to go ahead and hire than dance instructor, Dakota Stanley. Finn is not happy about that, because he’s all about supporting Mr. Schue. Quinn and Santana grin, because their plan is working.
Mercedes has a sad. Everywhere she looks, there are couples: Finn and Quinn, Puck and Santana, Fric and Frac, Knife and Fork. What’s a fabulous Sassy Black Gal with pipes like hers doing alone? OH HEY, MAYBE KURT IS ACTUALLY IN TO HER. That’s what Quinn and Santana try and convince her. Mercedes tries to work it a little (and this is the story line that makes me sad. Girls, we’ve all been a hag at one point – or why are you here reading this? Exactly – but was it for someone so obviously gay as Kurt? OK, for me there was David, who was gor-geous and I had hoped that his posters of Liza in his apartment were ironic or just because he really liked theater like I liked theater and it was so totally obvious and oh my god, I need a drink. Or my friend Thom to dirty dance with me before going home to his husband. Lol. Maybe if you boys weren’t such great dancers and smelled so good and weren’t so AWESOME we wouldn’t love you like we do.)
Mercedes asks Kurt if he’s ever kissed anyone, to which he responds, “Duh. Yes. Oh, if you meant the tender crook of my elbow, then yes.” He sprays his hair into place and smooths the front of his military-style jacket. He takes her arm, is so utterly charming I can’t actually stand it, and tells her that every moment is a chance for fashion. Yeah, he’s totally straight.
Quinn and Santana tell Mercedes that see? He’s so into her! Wow, ladies.
The Acafellas (I’m just gonna refer to them as Pitch Slapped) rock out the Bel-Biv-Devoe hit “Poison” at some bar built into a car wash. I think they mangle the lyric “Never trust a big butt that smiles” into “never trust a big BUTTON that smiles.” Someone took some mescaline before performing, me thinks.
Will’s parents are there (bless!) Emma and Shrewi are there, and Shrewi sees that Emma isn’t exactly cheering for Ken Tanaka, but for Will. Oh hell to the no. Will parents sold all 17 CDs! They are so totally on their way, you guys. Figgins is there and he hires them to sing at a PTA meeting. Is that… do things like that actually happen? I don’t know because I’m a shitty parent that won’t go to those meetings, I’ve got campy musicals to watch and booze to drink.
Sandy storms into the teachers lounge the next day demanding he be the fifth member. He just so happens to know that Josh Groban is going to be at the PTA meeting [bhuh huhn?] and he and the Grobes are totes BFF, so let him in, or he’ll tell Groban to not come.
Howard Bamboo: Who’s Josh Groban?
Sandy: Who’s Josh -? Kill yourself.
Kurt pulls up in the parking lot in a Navigator, all tough and rollin’ on dubs (they spinnin’!) He’s wearing skinny jeans, a cap, and a body-hugging thigh-length cardi that is doing nothing for his figure. [DRINK!] Kurt drives a group over to spy on Vocal Adrenaline, who continue to be awesome, but who work like dogs, puking and shaking and crying. Dakota Stanley cracks the whip, it seems.
Rachel makes introductions. He cuts her off as he hops into a classic ‘vette with a bombshell blond. It’s a $3000 fee, another $5000 if they place, and honey, if you hire him, you’re gonna place. Where on earth are these little town kids gonna get $8000? They sell the Navigator, Kurt gets a Prius, and meets the love of his life at the dealership. Ha, wrong. What will they doooooo?
Howard Bamboo drops out of the boy band, and the shop teacher is back on the Nyquil, so he’s out, too. No! Pitch Slapped was just getting hot! They booked a Bingo Night at the Community Center, next stop: THE GRAMMYS. Enter: Finn. He’s quitting Glee, because it’s not fun anymore. Mr. Schue gets a light bulb blinky: you should join Pitch Slapped! Puck also wants in. It seems he’s all over the Cougar/MILF element that seems to be all over this thing, and if there’s one thing Puck likes, it’s banging mothers. Honey, this mother sees nothing wrong with that. At all. [What!? I have needs, too, you know. Drink. Because I said so, that’s why.]
They have a rehearsal and Finn and Puck just aren’t loose enough. Will has the perfect response that isn’t creepy or inappropriate at all: “See those women out there? Swing that big ol’ bat!” [DRINK.]
Rachel and Tina see that Mercedes is building up quite the crush on Kurt and host a gay-tervention.
Tina: “It’s K-kurt. [Don’t forget she has a st-st-stutter] He’s lady fabulous.” [Well, not always.]
Mercedes: “Just because he wears nice clothes doesn’t mean he’s on the down-low.” [When it’s the couture line of Tom Ford it sure as hell does.]
Rachel: “He wore a corset to 2nd period.” [See?]
Poor Mercedes, she just wants to be loved by someone that gets her.
The Cheerios host a car wash to raise the $8000 needed to hire the new instructor. They’re kicking it up a jail-bait notch, but Mercedes just polishes Kurt’s rims [double entendre- DRINK!] and smirks at him. “Can’t we just make it official?” Kurt looks askance, while trying to not create wrinkles. Mercedes replies, “That we’re dating, silly boots!” Kurt is not okay with this. “I thought I made it clear that I was in love with someone else?” He’s looking at Finn, but Rachel walks by just at that moment and Mercedes wills herself to ignore the gaymance happening in front of her.
She grabs a rock and BUSTS OUT THE WINDOW OF KURT’S RIDE. Oh, writers, this was the flimsiest excuse of all times to work in a song, DRINK. That is about $1000 in materials, minimum.
She sings “Bust Your Windows,”and she nails it because she is Mercedes [DRINK!] Kurt is livid, as he should be. “You broke my windshield!” Mercedes retorts, “Well, you broke my heart. Hmph!” Really? I mean, come on. I have crushed on gay boys in the past (I grew up doing theater, hel-lo!) but this is so over the top. At least the Cheerio back up dancers were super hot in the number, Brittany is there and finally starts developing a presence in the cast, and I always want to hear Mercedes sing, but oh, Kurt!
They raise enough money to hire Dakota. He passes out personalized menus to everyone. Mercedes’ menu just says “coffee.” Artie is cut for not walking and Kurt tells Dakota he can’t do this, omg!
Dakota: You shut your face gash and stay away from aerosol cans because you could burst into flames at any second.
Hey pot? I’m the fashionable Kettle from the Kate Spade home line, name of Kurt Hummel. You’re Inkwell. (Pfft, plebeians would refer to that as “black” but we all know that when someone says the color black, there are so many options.)
Everyone but the Cheerios quits. Well, Rachel stays, too.
Pitch Slapped perform “I Wanna Sex You Up!” at the PTA meeting [DRINK!] and Sandy sucks. Can I just say that one of the funniest lines ever in a sexy song are in this one? “We can do it ’til we both wake up!” If you’re falling asleep during sex, you’re not doing it right. Puck and Finn kinda rock out. They’re young, they have the youth sex appeal in their favor. A few more performances under the belt [double entendre by me, DRINK!] and they’ll be great.
Josh Groban shows up in the green room to say hello. He asks who Sandy is, who falls over everything to get up close to the Grobes. “Good. I came here with a restraining order.” Lol. “And stop sending me naked photos.” Ewww. Well, there goes Pitch Slapped’s dreams of joining the Grobes on tour.
Shrewi butters up her man afterward, telling him how sexy and wonderful and awesome he is. Will’s dad is looking for his wife, leading to the funniest moment of the whole episode.
Josh Groban and Will’s mom are hanging in the green room, (at the PTA meeting. The green room.) and he’s pouring drink after drink for Will’s mom. “Throngs of screaming children don’t do it for Josh Groban. Josh Groban loves a blousey alcoholic.” Ahahahaha! Blousey Alcoholics is going to be the name of my Cougar-Aged Torch Song Tribute group I’ll one day start.
Will ties up his Very Special Episode with a thought-provoking bow. He just wants to be a teacher. He’s lived the life of a star [sorry, I just snorted Campari into my sinuses and I think I can now see the Matrix…] and has no regrets. His dad has decided to go back to law school, so he has no regrets either. See? You can reach your goals, no matter the age! Fulfillment is just around the corner!
Kurt puts his books in his locker, which happens to be adorned with pictures of Hedwig (of The Angry Inch Hedwig, not Harry Potter’s owl buddy) and a collage of male models in fabulous clothes. Really, this character could have gone either way, am I right? Mercedes apologizes and offers to pay for the windshield. [Good, because laws, that was cray cray, ‘Cedes.] Kurt says that it’s okay, his dad took his car away – and those of us that are rewatching, get ready to be upset with the poorly thought out beginnings of Burt Hummel – because Kurt’s dad found his tiara in his hope chest. [Free space: Continuity Error, DRINK.]
Kurt then comes out. He actually says, “I’m gay” for the first time out loud to anyone because Mercedes really is his best friend in the world. And he cries! [waaah! No, Kurt, don’t cry!] Mercedes proves she’s worthy of the friendship and loves him to pieces. HEART HANDS.
Coach Sue hears that Will is back and that Pitch Slapped has been disbanded and punishes the Cherrios for failure, Mary Katherine style. (Arm pit holding and smelling.) “That is the smell of failure.” And also asparagus. She revokes their tanning privileges, which sends Santana into the hallway, sobbing. Por que, Latina que no debe curtir? (What, Latin Girl that doesn’t need to tan?)
Quinn mouths off to Sue, “Thanks for the lesson. When you really believe in yourself, you don’t have to bring others down.” That sounds a lot like Don’t Stop Believing, and haven’t we done that every episode so far?
Will gets an inkling that the Glee Club alone can fulfill him and comes back to his senses. And Glee.
Drunken Thoughts: I know, this show can be so redonk, which is why it’s fun, but then it has such a wonderful moment with Kurt coming out, and sets the stage for some Very Important Lessons (that actually are very important) and I just love it to pieces. Kurt Hummel is one of the greatest characters on tv, and Chris Colfer absolutely deserved that Golden Globe. His relationship with Mercedes is awesome. And the writers will quickly realize that having a homophobic father isn’t fun to work with and there can be better material if he’s accepting, thank goodness.
OK, sugar boogers, that’s it for the week, we’ll meet back on Hump Day for the Beyoncé Fetish episode!