The Bachelorette: season Ashley episode 5

Tonight’s Bachelorette was sponsored by a bottle and a half of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc. Wine is the way to go from now on. Less filling, tastes great, and bigger buzz.

We open with the Douches being boring in the cars on their way to Chiang Mai, Thailand. Mr. Overpaid welcomes them to the Mandarin Oriental Dhara Dhevi and tells them to go find their private villa and to have fun. Oh, and by the way, it’s 2-on-1 date week! Uh oh! One douche gets a rose while the other douche gots to goes. (sorry, I really had to stretch for that one.)

Next up is Bashley’s interview about how Thailand is a new beginning and how she’s all hopeful blah, blah. Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love and I’m no longer thinking about Super Douche even though I’ve already mentioned him twice.(cue really bad foreshadowing)

Let’s open the first 1-on-1 card and the winner is: Ben F. And he says there is a 100% chance he’s gonna kiss Bashley. Well good. Because Bashley hasn’t kissed anyone yet…

Bashley is wearing hot pink and Ben F. is wearing red and they look horrid as a couple. I seriously wish Bashley would have made Ben F. turn right back around and change. Sorry dude. We clash. I don’t do clash. Unless you’re talking about The Clash. (and how appropriate is SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO at this very moment?)

Local market date, eat street food, paint paper umbrellas, and loving searing gazes outside a beautiful temple. Ben’s tongue reaches for Bashley’s when she says: “You know we can’t kiss here?”
“Oh really.”
“That’s how sacred this is.”
“That’s really difficult.”
“You’re really tempting me.”
“Let’s kiss in our head.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME. LET’S KISS IN OUR HEAD? Mental kissing deserves real head slap.

Then Bashley tells the camera. “I just wanna jump on him. Rawr.”

Yes, that’s why you lured him to sacred ground where he can’t kiss you. Nice going Sister McTease-a-lot. I love forced sexual tension. It is The Awesome.

Evening dinner and Bashley is wearing a strapless jumpsuit that buttons at the knees. A disco ball drops from the ceiling and Bashley throws on roller skates and starts skating backward singing Xanadu! Sadly, that didn’t happen. What did happen is Bashley begins the interview process about Ben being a winemaker and what his relationship agenda is. Agenda? Really? Apparently his agenda would be her. I would have answered that I left my agenda back in the states in my briefcase but  it is outlined in bullet points for easier understanding. I’ll email you a copy later.

He goes on and on about making her his priority and Bashley loves it. Um, isn’t that what you’re supposed to say when you’re trying to win a game and get picked as the one true douche, I mean, when you’re on “a date?” Ben gets a rose. And sadly, the date ends without even one hint of disco balls, roller skates or Xanadu. You suck ABC. How am I supposed to keep watching now? Oh yeah, the wine.

Okay, group date time. Nick (who?), Constantine, Ames, Blake, Lucas, Happy-Fun-Time Ryan, JP and Mickey. The date card says “Love is worth fighting for” and immediately I get a tingle in my girly bits because this means there could be blood. And blood is awesome on a group date. It’s melee time!

So the group melee is amateur Muay Thai boxing. Bashley says this is a really “hot way to see the men” and that she wants to “see if I can find the masculinity in these guys.” Well, except for the ones with man-ginas, I’m sure you will. Speaking of: Immediately Ames looks concerned that someone might smash is horse mouth in or mess up his over-gelled hair. “We could end up with black eyes or broken noses! And what if we get kicked in the man-ginas?”

Then he quickly adds something about Ashley being worth it when he realizes he just showed his pretty pink Ivy League panties. They had ruffles.

OH, by see the masculinity she meant put them in silky drawers with no shirts! Whoop whoop! (fyi, I spent the rest of this date singing “Keep your filthy paws off my silky draws, would you try that crap with Annette?) Oh…and guess who ends up with the Hot Pink Drawers? You guessed it…Ames

After a 3-hour training session of sweaty muscules and getting your ass kicked by a punching bag (Ames) the boys put on their silk and head to the PUBLIC ring of doom. That’s right. There will be witnesses to the douchebaggery ass kicking.

The Dentist (Blake) and the oil worker (Lucas) are up first and the dentist takes a bite out of grime. And quickly! Who would’ve thunk?

JP and Mickey are next and apparently JP has awesome forshadowing abilities because he says something about if he has to take a beating like a man, so be it. And there’s no crying in Muay Thai. And I don’t wear panties. Mickey pummels him for a while but JP pulls the ring off his neck and slips it onto his finger, disappears and while invisible, pins Mickey into a corner and yells PAYBACK’S A BITCH, my precious. He’s declared the winner.

Oh goody! It’s time for the smiley showdown. Happy-fun-time Ryan is all teeth as he steps into the ring with Horse Mouth Ames. Let’s just skip to the fun part shall we? Ryan’s smile outshines Ames’s and Ames winds up in the back of an ambulance all dizzy. “I’m just not myself.” As Mickey says, “It’s pretty clear he got his bell rung.” (and now we all start singing Anita Ward…)

Suddenly Bashley “doesn’t like this date because she doesn’t wanna see anyone get hurt.” Sweetheart, it’s hardcore ultimate fighting. WTF did you think was gonna happen?

So during this part of the show, I’m texting my friend Robyn (edited to cover only the topic at hand):

R: don’t be hatin’ on my Yale boy
M: You don’t need another gay
R: (clearly justifying now) He was the last to the line to get uniforms. Such a gentleman to let the others go first.
M: He’s so clearly into pink.
R: Hahah!
M: Uh oh. He’s dizzy. Catch the lisp. He can’t even speak for all the gay. The concussion didn’t knock the gay out of him.
R: Wes totally agrees.
M: Well Wes should know.

He wheels off and we see inside his hot pink shorts. Definitely a man-gina.

Let’s move on to the group date cocktail party where Ames is noticabley absent. Moral is down. And Bashley is wearing the most makeup EVER. Whoever the stylist was for this show should be fired. Damn.

More texts from last night:

M: is it just me or is Ashley’s makeup extra whore-like tonight?
R: She doesn’t want them to turn her down. Time to turn the whore ON!

So Ames finally arrives and everyone is excited to see him in his blazer with his hair all did up and Bashley babies him and he starts to stammer and says to the camera “I usually find it hard to speak to her because she’s beautiful, but this time I can’t speak because my head isn’t working.” Dude. You have a concussion. ALSO PUT DOWN THE CHAMPAGNE. No wonder you can’t speak. I thought you had an Ivy League education? Oh, never mind. So did a recent President and he couldn’t speak either. I get it.

Lucas gets in a little time with Bashley and she demands he give her a golf lesson right there. So he steps behind her, wraps his arms around her and she backs it up like a tonka truck. She says that she’s sooooooooo excited about golf in one breath and then in the next one (as her back up warning is beeping louder and louder) she admits she’s never played it.

Blake is insecure (they are perfect together) and Bashley asks him if he needs a little reassurance. He says reassurance would be good, so she gives him the group date rose. I texted Robyn:

M: BTW Ashley? Reassurance = blowjob.
R: Haha! Ames is about to pass out
M: Gay Ames was drinking with a concussion. Bad Ames.
R: He was sweating like a pig too. The gays would be ashamed. I mean, I love him anyway. :(
M: His new name: GAYmes

And now it’s time to take the gloves off to let the man-claws out! It’s 2-on-1 date time. (brown-chicken-brown-cow!) Bashley, Ben C. and WillIam all embark on their porn star journey of love on a river raft. WillIam takes the lead post on the raft and feels completely left out and shows us his panties while he whines about it. (red polka-dotted binkinis). He’s all “I’m up front being manly despite my man-gina and Ben C. is working her hard from the backside. Yo.” And so he turned with his pole in his hand and her eyes lit up…. Sigh. That totally should have happened. He does say he felt like a third wheel and that he thought he had lost the rose right there. Which explains why he does the complete transformation into bitchy little girl when he gets his alone time with Bashley. Man-gina ACTIVATE! Form of? MAN CLAWS!

WillIam tells Bashley when their alone time begins that Ben C. is ready to go home because he’s been talking about how he’s excited about cleaning up on the dating websites now that he’s been awesome on the Bachelorette. Now, last week I mentioned how I thought Ben C. had one foot out of the closet? After this week, I’m sure he’s all the way out. The only websites he’s checking on are of the rainbow flavor (not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just he’s on the wrong show…) But still, it ain’t cool that WillIam threw him under the bus. (And by the way, he started his sentence with, “I’m not trying to throw him under the bus or anything.”) No. You did not try. You did.

Bashley, who I’m quite certain was already planning to get rid of Ben C. anyway because she has gaydar, picks her happy ass up and tells Ben that she’s ending the date now. She DOESN’T EVEN TALK TO HIM BEFORE SHE SAILS HIM AWAY ON THE RAFT OF REJECTION. which this sparked the next round of texts:

M: Wow! Fucking Wow. she’s sending the other gay guy home without talking to him first!?
R: Stooopid!? who doesn’t want the gays around? I’m so looking Ben up tomorrow.
M: I actually liked Will but I can’t believe he did that and that she didn’t discuss with Ben first. She probably saw the gay on him.
R: Will is an asshole.
M: I kinda dig him
R: Will or Bengay
M: Will. Though I’m disappointed he found his mangina tonight. Put away the panties and pull on the boxer briefs.
R: He’s a badboy. No wonder you like him.
M: GAYmes and Bengay. tomorrows write up will be full of the gay.
R: full of the gay in a nice way.
M: Heh. Yes in a nice way of calling men who think they are straight: gay. I’m still team JP anyway.
R: JP = Just Phucking.

And that’s when Robyn won the most clever award of the evening.

Fast forward to the evening date with WillIam and Bashley is wearing the ugliest Wilma Flinstone dress I have ever seen. It is off the shoulder, hot pink and black zebra print. Ugh. That dress is hideous. I no longer want to fire this episode’s stylist. I want his/her head on a pike. (sorry. Still blood-thirsty after Game of Thrones) WillIam is completely not paying attention, he’s just giddy to get some alone time with Bashley. Unfortunately, she just lost that lovin’ feeling so she sent him home, too. Which prompted me to tweet: Ashley is trying to grow a pair of stones while wearing a Wilma Flintstone dress. Get that girl a bone.(for her hair)

So she sent both dudes packing on the ménage à date and we end the night with a dramatic rose burning for proper cave-girl emphasis.

Final cocktail party arrives and Bashley was again styled up by the Whore of Babylon. She keeps saying “Something’s off tonight.”  So she begins to confront the guys about their feelings for her. Constantine admits to being closer to the guys because hey, they have sleep overs every night! JP doesn’t make her feel better, even when he sticks his magic tongue down her throat.

And that’s when she admits that she’s still pining for the Super Douche. More texts:

M: STFU about Super Douche
R: Anyone named Bentley is a super douche
M: U did it wrong. it’s Bentley(gag). That’s his whole name. Get it right.
R: Oh my! Shame on me!
M: Now she’s talking to Mr. Overpaid about Bentley(gag) and I really wanna smack her. Dot.Dot.Dot. And her make up is really horrid this show. Seriously. Kill the make up artist.

Basically it all boils down to this. She isn’t being fair to the remaining douchetestants because she keeps going back to the chemistry she had with the Super Douche and he left it open with his statement of So she says she needs closure but really she hopes he’ll come back and sweep her off her feet. Ugh.

Mr. Overpaid holds a pretty good pokerface as he pretends to care and he says he’ll see what he can do. In the end, Ashley sends Nick home (who? Oh yeah! the guy who had to share camera time with his GIANT HAIR and soul patch.)

And apparently next week Super Douche really does return. Which will either be awesome or fantastically anti-climatic. I’m betting next week will be a 2-bottle episode for me… Or maybe I’ll just buy a box and get it over with. It’s only white trash if it’s white zin, right?