Get your bingo card ready, we’re getting a little Misty here tonight for our featured cocktail: The Single Lady (and she’s a tough one, don’t go thinking it’s all pink and bubbly.) Single Malt Scotch cocktail, my friends.
Spoiler alert: Quinn, maybe sit this one out. Terri, you’re good, slam-a jam ’em all night.
In the Hummel basement, Kurt, Brittany and Tina are dressed in their unitards [Kurt has a horrid sequin vest on over it – Drink!] and have set up to tape themselves recreating the “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” video. Since we’ve all seen this (the video and the recreation) a million times, I’ll tell you about my nephew, who was about 7 years old when this song came out. He would sing along, “Ziffu like it then you shudda putta bee on it. If you shoulda coulda woulda put a bee on it.” Whuh oh oh, oh oh ohhh oh oh.
Guys, forget birds, put a bee on it. That’s our free space drink, every time the song plays. So – DRINK!
Burt Hummel, before he will be ret-conned into the greatest father of a homosexual ever, snaps the music off and generally terrifies the trio by existing. Well, by existing in oil-stained flannel. Those are the clothes of a serial killer, you guys!
“What are you wearing?” he asks Kurt, snapping the neckline of his son’s outfit. (Honestly, y’all, that is so over the top, come on.)
Tina, and don’t forget she has a stutter, tells Burt that Kurt wears it for “F-f-f-f-ootball.”
Brittany: “Totally. Kurt’s on the football team now. He’s the kicker. That’s the smallest guy out there, right?”
Ruh roh! Kurt now gets to pretend he’s on the “right” team. He cements his heteronormity by slinging an arm around Tina and telling his dad they’re dating, but he doesn’t want to be exclusive yet. Burt stares at his be-sequin’d son with the most droll expression hustled out of Droll-Town and says to be sure to get him a ticket to his next game. You know, where he’s the kicker.
Shrewi, with an uncomfortable close up, practices her panicked “I’m having a baby!” breathing as Will coaches her while her sister with the inexplicable southern accent watches. Sister interrupts, “No, no, it’s not like on TV. It’s bloody and bestial. And you get poop all over your cowboy boots!”
Let me stop you right there, writers. I know you’re going for a joke, but good hell. This is why women get scared before labor. Yeah it hurts (natural child birth here, and no, I did not plan it because I wouldn’t have a root canal without drugs either) but you do not poop on your cowboy boots. You piss on your Louboutins, get it straight. Just me? I went to the fancy hospital, they had a dress code.
Off track, sorry. We learn that Terri, who claims to be four months pregnant by now (wow, the time-line on pregnancies is ska-rewy on this season, so don’t even try to count along,) won’t let Will touch her belly because he’ll realize she’s a big old faker from Lie-ville. Or as Will thinks, because he might hurt the baby. Terri confesses to her sister, who thinks this whole thing is delightful because “Dishonesty is food to a marriage, it will die without it!” She’s going to help Terri find a baby.
Emma, in a roundabout way, tells Will at work the next day that Sue is now on the local news. She has a segment called “Sue’s Corner”
“You know caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States. But ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore, they’ll tell you one thing: caning works. And that’s how Sue,“ she holds one hand up to the camera to make a letter C, “-sees it.”
Sue comes into the lounge and zings everyone, proud as a right-wing peacock. She’s not there for long, because she’s got a satellite interview to do. That’s media talk for an interview… via satellite.
In Glee Club Rachel is given sheet music for an Alto, and that is the voice of mildly attractive girls with faint mustaches who offer vocal support, not the lead voice of beauty and power, Mr. Schue. Well, Will wants Tina to give the lead to West Side Story a try. Excuse me? Natalie Wood, a Jew, has been Rachel’s hero since she was 1 and this is HER PART OH MY GOD. Will doesn’t switch the parts, so Rachel storms out. That’s losing affect, honey. Save it for the big ones.
Kurt corners Finn after class, wanting to ask him a question. “Thanks, but I already have a date to the prom. But I’m flattered, I know how important dances are to teen gays.” Ahahaha.
Kurt quickly replies, “I’m not gay! I just, I need a favor.”
One of my all-time favorite jokes in Glee History comes next. Kurt goes to “audition for the part of kicker.” He practiced with his fetish song (you shoulda woulda coulda put a bee on it.) and it seems Finn was cool with that, but Kurt is under the impression that it’s okay for him to have his own “sides” for football
auditions try outs. Puck asks if they’re an item now, what with their marital-esque bickering.
Side note, Kurt is wearing another horrible sweatshirt with the neck cut out a la Flashdance, a tank top underneath, and a sweatband to hold his bangs back. All red. Puh-lease, mono-chromatic accessories? DRINK.
The coach let’s him show his stuff, Kurt puts on the music, does the dance [Drink!] and puts a bee on that ball like nobody’s business. [Whoa oh oh! Oh oh ohhhh oh oh!] Coach Tenaka is beyond happy. He doesn’t care what Kurt needs to do to kick like that, as long as he kicks like that.
And in a moment of “I suppose the writers don’t actually know anything about football,” um, the other team gets to move when the ball is snapped and placed in the hold for the kicker. So, they would have plenty of time to sack either the quarterback (who holds the ball) or the kicker waaaay before Kurt shoulda woulda coulda put a bee on it. Whoa oh oh.
I digress. The coach clings to his new super star and Kurt gives his best Queen of England parade wave, and I will just hand wave the football thing for my beloved Kurt.
A moment is devoted to Sue in order to remind us that she has to destroy Glee Club to carry on with the news gig. She autographs her fan mail – especially the hate mail. Hey, not everyone has the walnuts to take a pro-litter stance. She won’t rest until every inch of their town is covered in litter. She pays her taxes to create jobs so garbage men can earn enough to buy tacos for their families. Wow, and boy, do I miss pure-Evil Sue.
Out in the hallway, shit is about to get real. Quinn holds back tears and refuses to speak to Finn. He finally pins her against the lockers and gets her to talk. She’s pregnant. But…they haven’t had sex? Sure, he had a premature ejaculation in the hot tub, but she insists (angrily) that that’s what did it. Oh, dear. She’s keeping it, and her sobs are because she had hoped they would make it out of that town without becoming Lima Losers.
We jump to Sandy’s place, where he and Sue stare at a wall of dolls. Sandy is in a hip-length kimono. Sue looks around at everything, and gives a masterful delivery with a straight face, “Well isn’t this just lovely and normal. The only thing missing here is a couple dozen bodies limed and rotting under the floorboards.”
Sandy breaks down in tears as he’s living in a “cocoon of horror.” I’ll say, and it’s mostly because of all of the creepy dolls. Dolls are creepy, guys. Glassy-eyed horrorshows, the lot of them. Sue will give him his life back, starting with Sandy becoming the head of the Arts, and the first order of business: get rid of Will Schuester. (She’s blackmailing Figgins with a commercial he was in for Mumbai Air in order to let Sandy back on campus.) They’ll cast a musical that will lure Rachel away, and without her, the club will fall to pieces.
Rachel auditions with Celine Dion and does a fabulous job, but come on, no one can top the chest beater. She is…ze greatest zinger…of all time! [chest beat]
Rachel, at ballet practice, is confronted by Will. He wants her to come back to Glee. Well, she’ll do both, but until her awesomeness is appreciated by everyone in Glee, her focus will be on the musical.
Tina works on her best Maria, singing “Tonight!” and flopping on the high note. Now, she’s a good singer – you have to know how to sing to sing like you can’t sing, if you follow me – but she doesn’t have the depth or power Rachel (Lea) has. While it’s delightful listening to the others sing, because they’re good, when someone like Lea (or Mercedes’ Amber Riley) belts out a number, you can see why she’s given the well-deserved praise.
As Tina slinks off hoping Mr. Schue will give the part to Rachel, Finn staggers in. Will asks him what’s wrong, and Finn collapses against him, crying. For all of the silliness on the show (which is why we love it) true moments like this are why I come back. Will takes him into his tight embrace (tight embrace!)
They go out for food and Finn fills him in. Finn feels caged, trapped. He has to go to college, and on scholarship, if only to get a better job to better support his coming family. But that won’t happen without a winning football team. Maybe Mr. Schue could teach the guys to relax like he’d done with Puck and Finn during the Acafellas/Pitch Slapped phase? Uh… He’ll think about it.
At home that night Will tells Terri about Quinn’s pregnancy and how sad he is for the kids. Oho, someone’s having a baby, eh? Terri schemes.
In the locker room the next day Mr. Schue encounters homophobia as he tries to win over the football players to Finn’s idea. Kurt pulls out his soon-to-be trademarked, “If I may?” and spouts some Sun Tzu. They move to the music room where Will shows them tappa tappa (“Teacher, my shoes are talking!” “You must be Ralph Wiggins.” “My daddy shoots people!”) and Will is terrible at it. He’s no Little Vicky, that’s for sure.
Kurt shows them how to step-ball-change and pat-that-ass and one and two and hand, show the hand, show the hand, and pose. Now thrust it, thrust it, THRUST IT, THRUST IT, NOMI. OK, I want three hundred pliés tonight and be ready to mark your steps tomorrow fellas! (OMG, they need some Showgirls references in this show. OK, that may just be a personal need on my part.)
Puck and Finn walk off, and Puck gets Finn to tell him what’s wrong. After all, they’re best friends. Finn spits out that Quinn’s pregnant, she’s keeping the baby, and then races off. Puckerman is floored. He spies Quinn in the school and rushes over.
She’s curt and standoff-ish and it’s because PUCKERMAN fucked her, man. He’s the baby daddy, and he’s actually into her. “I’d take care of you, you know.” Quinn has an ideal of being with the clean cut Finn, them being Prom King and Queen, and living happily ever after. A mohawk’d bad boy that got her drunk on wine coolers (really? Where can you even get those today?) on a day she was feeling fat, and then knocked her up doesn’t fit into her picture. He’s a Lima Loser and he’ll always be one, in her eyes.
She races to her car in the rain (oh, it’s raining now) and sobs as she climbs in. Terri is in there waiting for her. Gah! Terri asks if she’s on prenatal vitamins, because if she’s not, her baby could be ugly. Quinn wants to know what the hell she wants, to which Terri just smiles widely.
It’s football game time! The guys are bickering about doing the dance thing while in the huddle, Kurt gives a pointed look at Finn to make them do it, but Finn isn’t going to push the guys any further. Finn’s immediately sacked. Good job, blockers. He calls the Punch and Judy play (that is the only call they have on this show, I’ve noticed.) which is basically any play the guys do. Just another example of the writers not getting how football works, like they care. Finn’s sacked again.
Burt Hummel makes his way to the stands looking grumpy. Kurt waves excitedly at him, which is adorkable, come on, I’m not made of stone. Yet another sack, time moves on to the fourth quarter, and there is ONE SECOND on the clock. One second. Finn calls the Beyoncé play. (Well, I stand corrected. There are two plays in the football team’s play book.)
The sound guys hit it. The other team is all “Bzuh?” and stands still as the McKinley High football team puts some stank on it (then shoulda woulda coulda put a bee on it – DRINK!) This is some kind of wet dream for one of the writers, because technically it makes no sense. (Yes, I love football and musical theater, I have layers. Stinky, make-you-cry layers.)
The people in the stands start dancing and singing along [Shoulda coulda woulda put a bee on it – DRINK.] Someone remembers to snap the ball and Puck, who is a running back, peels off the dance line, runs down the field, catches it, and hey, they have a tie-making touchdown, hooray!
Now it’s Kurt’s show. If he makes this, they win their first game. Coach Tenaka grabs him and says, “You’re up, kid. You make this, you die a legend.”
Kurt: “Can I pee first?” Lol. Chris Colfer has excellent comic timing, his deadpan delivery (hiding his abject terror) is perfect. He’s a gay Bob Newhart.
Burt watches from the stands, muttering about how little Kurt looks out there. Aww, Burt being a loving, worried dad, DRINK! Kurt cues the music, does his dance [Whoa oh ohhh, oh oh ohhhh oh oh – DRINK.] which is ridiculous, I’ll explain in a minute, and kicks that thang like it’s a bully’s balls. It’s good! Gooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaal! Sorry, got my Spanish Soccer commentator on. He’s carried off the field, a champion, and Puck watches Quinn kiss Finn for being awesome. Puck walks off alone and we all has a sad for him.
Now, Kurt doing his dance. While hilarious and awesome, he would have been run over by the defensive linemen in a heartbeat. Either that, or Finn would have been tackled by said linemen, not getting the ball ready for Kurt’s kick. But hey, the payoff was the gay kid getting to be the Big Man On Campus because of the winning point, and that’s pretty sweet. Sorry, I’m from Texas, football means something oh my god!
Back at home, Kurt is in the middle of his nightly moisturizing regime when his dad comes in to congratulate him. (Burt is about to be awesome for a while, so take as many drinks are you’re comfortable with – or what your liver can handle.)
“I was really proud of you tonight, Kurt.” [Aww, DRINK!] “I wish your mom would have been there. I mean, alive.”
“Thanks. Um…dad? I have something I want to say. I’m glad that you’re proud of me. But I don’t want to lie anymore. Being a part of Glee Club and football has really shown me that I can be anything. And what I am is… I’m gay.”
Oh, baby gay!! He’s so scared, and I held my breath (I’ve watched this episode so many times, and I still hold my breath for him) but I needn’t worry because:
“Really?” Ha ha, oh Kurt.
“I’ve known since you were three. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels. I guess I’m not totally in love with the idea but – if that’s who you are, there’s nothing I can do about it. And I love you just as much, OK?”
Kurt hugs his dad, I dash away my tears, and one of the best father/child relationships on TV is born. His dad says, as he leaves, “Thanks for telling me, Kurt. You’re sure, right?”
Kurt, who has moved on to eye cream at his freaking vanity replies, “Yeah. I’m sure.” Just checking. (Heh.)
The next day at school, Finn gives Quinn his baby blanket so their baby can have it. She’s touched. Puck walks by and is a real dick to her, saying she looks fat, and so on. Finn says to shut it. Puck looks at his best friend (oh, really?) then at Quinn’s hurt face and apologizes. He looks at her one last time and walks off.
In Glee, three of the football players decide to stick with the program, Mike Chang, Matt Rutherford (don’t get attached, he’s only around a few eps) and… Noah Puckerman.
Tina still has the solo, and Rachel goes back to the musical, officially quitting Glee.
Sue, on her Sue’s Corner segment, sends a shout out to the homeless: “Hey, how’s that homelessness working for you? Give not being homeless a try.” Everyone is feeling unfulfilled, all except for Sue. Because that’s how Sue… C’s it.
Drunken Thoughts: The whole pregnancy shenanigans story arc was something that wasn’t my fave from this season. I know that they’re trying to straddle the line between completely absurd and heart-felt happiness, but I think this type of story just isn’t working in that context. Mostly because Terri is the one that’s acting over the top, and the others are taking it so seriously with their tears, and such. That’s too real, and not “straight-man to funny bit” story telling. I’m so glad the Sue’s Corner segments are on, because those were little nuggets of hilarity that I looked forward to every week. Jane Lynch, I make heart hands at you. No, really, I love you, man. Wo-man. [ladyburp]
Next! The greatest weetiny singer from Oklahoma the world has ever known joins the cast for a fun story arc, yes, it’s Kristin Chenoweth’s “The Rhodes Not Taken.” Also, Kurt unwittingly pays homage to Don Knotts. Stay tuned!