…is he gone? OK, back to the getting krunked. Tonight’s cocktail is: Burn At Both Ends (because they’re burning their candle at both ends, see, and – well, you’ll get it), and the kicker is, it’s not a cocktail but a shot. Grab your ankle, pump your leg, ’cause this is how we do it.
Go ahead and set several of these up, and save yourself the mess. Oh, and get some snacks. Don’t slam these on an empty stomach.
Our free space drink is every time Terri tells people that OTC drugs are good for you.
The Glee Club is half-assing it in rehearsals today. They found out who their competition at Nextunals is going to be: a school for the deaf and a half-way house for wayward girls. And lest you forget Tina has a stutter, she thinks “Th-th-th-that’s great!”
Will needs to motivate them somehow, but first he needs to flirt with Emma by putting mustard in his butt chin and doing a Gene Simmons impression. This makes me feel funny in my pants, as in, I don’t ever want my pants off. How can Matthew Morrison be hot in one moment and a total Uncle Creepy in another? [Aaaaaand we have our first naughty Mr. Schue, DRINK.]
Sue breaks in and tells Will that he’s missing an important element in his teaching methodology: fear. “You know, we’re dealing with children. They need to be terrified, it’s like mother’s milk to them. Without it, their bones won’t grow properly.”
Will puts up motivational posters of champions: Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, a Great White shark, a Kodiak grizzly, lightning, an above ground pool. CHAMPIONS OF ADVERSITY, PEOPLE. He splits the group up boys versus girls (Kurt, you’re with the boys, sorry) and they’ll do a mash up. The winner gets to have their song performed at ComingUp-unals. The girls are overly confident, and the guys hope to put the smack down like the hand of god.
Sue writes in her journal, trying to suss out why Will still exists. There’s that bothering her, plus her broken blender (apparently you can’t make a smoothie out of beef bones, who knew?) But worst of all, during Cheerios practice, Quinn Fabray, Captain of the Squad, had a tremor in her thigh. That’s the sort of thing that costs endorsements, folks, and the cause? She claims she was just tired from glee club. This will not stand!
But soft, what memory of dirty butt chins is that flashing in her mind? Ah, yes, the flirting between two people who should not be flirting! Now to take this knowledge to Shrewi and tear Will apart from within. Terri is, of course, shocked. Sue’s suggestion is for them to move out of the district.
“Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush-baby…”
Terri needs to be sure, and there just so happens to be a position available for school nurse. Of course she’s not a nurse, but as an assistant [STRIKE]to the manager at Sheets -n- Things, she’s in charge of the first aid kit and has had to use a defibrillator once. That’s all Figgins cares about, and she gets the job.
Her first order of business is to find her husband and interrupt any flirting that may be happening. Will is shocked to see her there, mostly because of her not being a nurse. “Oh, please, Will, it’s a public school.”
Finn, who has been falling asleep all over the place, is trying to figure out why he’s so tired. I mean, sure, he has football, and glee, and Xbox, and Skinemax to watch, and that takes up a lot of time. He dropped his homework because it was too distracting. But he can’t stop thinking about Rachel and her smoking bod (if you don’t mind the lack of bewbage) and how that makes him feel guilty, what with Quinn being pregnant with his baby and all. If he could just get to sleep at night.
Puck tells him to hit the nurse’s office for a nap, he does it every day and hasn’t been to a math class in two years. Terri attempts to be an actual nurse by getting information from him instead of letting him sleep. Sleep? She never slept in school. She accomplished a lot during her school years, and it was all due to Pseudoephedrine. Just take two a day and you’ll be amazed at all you can do! [DRINK!]
Sure, you’ll lose your teeth from grinding them down, but that’s why God invented veneers. Just ask Whitney Houston. (BOB-BAY!)
He’s tweaking as he heads back to the music room, itching under his skin with electricity. He’s ready to SING, let’s go! Let’s do this! The guys perform their mash-up, “It’s My Life” with “Confessions,” and it’s all about a guy being told by his girlfriend that she’s having a baby, and Finn grins through the whole thing, clearly not getting it. Bless. [Also, DRINK for awkward song choice.]
Artie shines in this number, as he always does when they sing funky pop songs. And we’re introduced to Mike Chang’s dance moves. The fellas knock it out of the park.
The girls sit with their jaws dropped. Uh… guess they shouldn’t have slacked off, huh?
Rachel runs into Quinn, who hasn’t been to Glee in a while. She tries to convince Quinn to come back, that there will be no judgment, and honestly, that cheerleading uniform isn’t going to fit much longer, and Glee will be the only group that will stand by her. I guess Queen Bee is getting a taste of what it feels like to be Rachel, the unpopular Gleek, huh?
Terri calls Howard Bamboo up to get him to make some purchases for her. Well, for the kids, they all need to be healthy and strong to get through their day, [DRINK!] and Off Brand Tavist D is how they’re gonna get there! So if he could just pick up, say 36 boxes of “Vitamin D” for her, that would be super.
Ken Tenaka comes in to talk with her about their significant others and the flirting. He breaks down sobbing and Terri is grossed out by it. She has an easy solution: he’ll propose to Emma, even though they’ve only been dating for a few episodes, and if he feels like chickening out, take two of these and don’t call her in the morning. [DRINK!]
Wait, oh my god, are you sipping your shots? Shame on you. [Hiccup]
Kurt interrupts the girls’ practice, because he still feels an allegiance to them. Ha. If the boys hadn’t pooh-poohed his ideas for exotic feathers and corn rows, then he wouldn’t feel obligated to tell the girls that the guys all “took something.”
Rachel finds Finn and snaps at him for taking “performance enhancers” like this is the freaking Olympics. Side note, fish tranquilizers are not on their list of banned substances. Rainbow, the more you know.
Well… they’re not made of stone, so the girls all trudge into Terri’s office to take “Vitamin D” – all except Quinn who just gets folic acid. When the girls get a little nervous, she reminds them that a) she’s a nurse, b) it’s an over the counter, FDA approved medication, and c) it’s good for you. [DRINK.]
Oooh, I got a shiver after that one. I need some more chips, hang on. OK.
Terri and Will have lunch together. Emma comes in and Terri leans over to lick Will’s face. I am not making that up. He’s grossed out and tells her to leave him alone, he wishes she didn’t work with him, and he needs his space, and he gathers up his dolls and stomps home. Well, to his office.
Terri motions for Ken to go ahead and propose, already. Oh dear. Emma is horrified, Ken says that he’ll keep her life clean of sadness and loneliness (oh my god) and that hey, he’s a good guy? Most awkward proposal ever.
It’s the girls turn to tweak like they’re in a back alley in Baltimore after a score and someone put on a Miley Cyrus tune and offered them espresso shots. They perform an equally spazzy (but well-executed) number, “Halo” mashed with “I’m Walking On Sunshine.” Side note, I love Quinn and Rachel’s yellow dresses. I like pretty lady clothes. I can’t feel my face, is that bad?
Will and Emma go for a walk so he can ask her if it’s true.. is she going to marry Ken Tenaka? (Buddy, you are married so what the hell?) Emma bites the bullet and asks, “I don’t know, can you think of any, um, other options I may have?”
She’s hitting him with a pretty big clue-by-four, but he just swallows and tugs at his tie and replies, “Is that a reason to marry someone?” Hi Pot, I’m Kettle. You’re black. But we know that’s not what she’s really asking, is it?
STALKER ALERT: Terri is at the other end of the hallway, her eyes narrowing. She barges into Emma’s office and lays it all out nice and clear. Her husband is just that, her husband. Also, she’s pregnant. (No she’s not.) Also, Will, while kind and generous, is also not available. Know who is? Ken Tenaka.
“Oh, his fondue pot of nationalities will open up your children to a host of genetic diseases, but he’s kind. And he’s generous. And he’s available.” Oooh, sick burn.
Quinn catches Terri in the hall and tells her that Terri can have the baby, but please don’t tell Mr. Schue that she’s doing this. (Does anyone see the problem here? Just me?) But when she tries to get Terri to fork over some cash for maternity clothes and doctor visits, Terri just shuts that down. After all, she’s going to be paying for the kid for the next 18 years, right? Mother of the Year, 2027!
Emma gingerly (hurr) steps into the locker room, trying to not breathe in any of the airborne germs. If she can keep her name, and her separate apartment, and they not tell anyone about the marriage, or invite anyone, or have a ceremony at all, then she guesses she’s good with getting married. Ken thinks that’s better than he expected. OK, that is just sad wrapped in pathetic paper and sprinkled with somber black glitter.
Finn busts Rachel, he knows a tweaker when he sees one. She tries to play it off cool, but admits that she feels guilty for taking something before performing. (I guess none of these kids will be rock stars, huh?) They both decide to admit their guilt and disqualify themselves from the contest. Aw, a PSA hidden among the madness! Stay in school, kids. Unless the NBA or Columbia Records comes calling, don’t be a jerk.
Will and Terri are in Figgins office after the kids confess, and Will is livid with Terri. She keeps telling them that the drugs are OTC, FDA approved and good for you! [DRINK!] And nothing bad happened to anyone, can’t we all learn a little something from this? Well, nothing bad happened if you forget Howard Bamboo being busted by the DEA for maybe having a meth-lab.
Figgins fires Terri, who is fine with it because she wasn’t cut out to work 5 days a week anyway, tchuh. Oh, but Will is in hot water, too, because he should have noticed that something weird was up with his kids. As of now, Mr. Schuester will have a co-chair for Glee Club.
It’s Sue. Of course it’s Sue. She can’t wait to be-bop and get jiggy with it. (Do the kids these days still get jiggy? Wait, did anyone ever get jiggy with anything? Hang on, I just – I just need too sit down for a minute. Stop spinning me, you guys.)
Later, Emma tells Will she accepted Ken’s proposal. He’s shocked but tries to be supportive. They walk away, each get to their respective turns in the hallway, and look longingly at one another, which is naughty Mr. Schue because you are married and [DRINK.] What is going to happen you guys, they belong with each other. OMG, is my mascara all over my face?
Drknuken Foughts: guys. You hguys. OK, frist, you need to know tha ti love you guys. Seriouslly. Serioulsly. S e r I o u s l y. Also I totally love tequila. Love it. We should get married, tequila. We should be togehther like Finn and Raachel and Will and Emma and Sue and tracksuits and me and tequila. You know? People just.. I’m sorry I’m crying but people just don t get it.
I just want to see Puck shirttless is that so wrong? I love you guys. Ho god hold my hair.