A massive cat-fight was a’brewing between Jesus Spice and Teresa. Vegas odds favored Tre seeing as she likes to flip tables and there’s a massive solid oak number near her gel-filled manicure. Jesus Spice could be the dark horse, though, she looks scrappy.
Mel tells Tre that what happened at the Christening was “disgusting.” (Jersey folks use this word a lot, I’ve noticed.) They start a back and forth over whether or not Tre knew why Bro Joe told her to get away from him, and it boils down to Bro Joe not liking how “fake” Tre was being with his kids.
Tre turns it around about Bro Joe owing a plumber bills to which every person in America that follows this chick just reeled back, did a head roll and snapped out, “Oh no she di’int!” Mel steps in with, “Oh, I know you don’t want to bring up money troubs, lady. I know you do not.” Tre just blinks in wonder, not really knowing where this is going. (She’s not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.)
Jesus Spice tells the camera that her husband just needs to fork over the thousand bucks he owes them, or Tre could just hand over her custom Jimmy Choos and they’ll call it even.
Someone forgot to turn off the gas starter to the fireplace because the two start talking about themselves in the third person.
“The wife makes it and the wife breaks it.”
“Yeah, but the sister can also break it. If the sister beats the wife over the head enough…”
Tre has a thought bully its way to her frontal lobe and she starts the refrain, “We just need to move forward. Let the past be the past, except for all the shit you’ve done to me, and we’ll act like it never happened.”
Mel replies, “Yes, this is what I’ve been saying, let’s not talk about all of the bitchy things you’ve done to me over the years, the many, many rotten things, and let’s just act like this is a fresh new start.”
And she coughs into her water glass, “Except for all of the shitty things you’ve done to me.”
Tre asks, “What was that?”
Mel coughs again into her water glass, “Like how your parents are awful to me,” and then out loud to Tre, “Let’s just move forward, yes.”
Jacqueline busts in with some cookies and subject changing and wine. I think she turns the gas off, or maybe not – maybe booze and fumes are what it’ll take between these two.
Caroline and Big Al (who is a bit of a dick, remember from the meeting the future in laws episode?) talk about Caroline’s new career. Al sweet talks her, “You sounded nervous like you needed someone to tell you what to say,” and Caroline laughs. Then Al tells her he’s not going to the Catskills with the Giudices, she can go it alone. Good times with the Manzos.
Jacqueline, who is officially my favorite of all the housewives and I want to go on a drunken wine tour with her, is in her personal wine cellar loading up for the trip. She’s just going to take a bottle, and then grabs a double magnum, and I laugh because that is my kinda gal. Then she grabs another one, we catch a glimpse of her cellar, and I just want to move in and stay for a while. Girlfriend has a nice looking wine collection.
Her husband Chris (Caroline’s younger brother) hits the gun safe and starts packing up. He’s got a pump shotgun, some semi’s – AR-15s, the civilian version of an M-16 – and there are two surprises we’ll find out about later. (Uh, again, I’m from Texas. We know our guns, even if we’re tree hugging liberals like myself.) Jacqueline looks on nervously and tells her husband that she’s looking concerned, but he can’t tell because of her Botox. Ha!
Side note, I noticed that the Lauritas have a mother trucking SKEE BALL game in their game room. Guys, that is my favorite of the carnival games. Skee ball! That’s awesome.
Mel and her Gorgon sister chat and put makeup on in preparation for Antonia’s big dance recital coming up. Mel’s super proud of her 5 year old because no one this young has ever been invited to take part in their holiday spectacular. This is huge, you guys. Huge. (Oh, just you wait.) They of course start bitching about the earlier “fight that wasn’t” with Teresa.
“Everything I think about her, she was saying about me!” Mel is shocked by this. Well, you’re cut from the same cloth, sister. They get catty about Tre using her mother as her nanny, because “they can’t pay for a nanny.” Where I’m from, this is pretty normal for an older, retired grandmother to be with her grandbabies a lot. But Mel is from the mindset that having a nanny is a status symbol, so she reminds us that she has one, because her husband works a lot, okay.
I think this is why they put the babies on the floor of the entry-way. The nanny comes in and sees them instantly. No messy hand overs.
Mel is just bitter about so many things. Hey, Tre is petty, too, but Mel voices her anger over not being called by her god-daughter on her 30th birthday. What kind of monster are these Giudices? Huge breach of etiquette, this might reach Sprinkle Cookiegate levels.
Tre and Juicy head off to the Catskills with Chris and Jacqueline riding along. Chris asks Joe if he wants to taste his nuts, and Juicy defers, saying Teresa will. Hurr, he’s holding peanuts. This should let you know how loose these guys are about to get on this trip.
Juicy’s dad is already there (along with a brother-in-law and an uncle) and Juicy Dad is cooking up a massive pot of pasta and gravy. He busts Juicy’s balls for being late. Jacqueline walks in and sees all of the taxidermy on the walls and thinks, “What a lovely house of death you have here!”
Juicy Dad just wants everyone to eat. They mingle and visit.
“So come on, let’s-ah eat.”
Tre shows Jacqueline the bedrooms.
“I been a-cookin all day, let’s eat.”
Juicy makes dirty jokes about the bed and all it’s seen over the years.
“Eh, a-bon appetit!”
Hey Chris, how many guns did you bring?
“I’m-a gonna cry, I work all day, I don’t eat nothing, just-a sit down and eat!”
Someone hands Tre an AR-15 and she walks through the house pointing it like an idiot that’s never handled a gun before. PROTIP: don’t point guns at people.
They all finally sit to eat, Juicy Dad sobs a little and weakly fills his plate, and they drink. And drink. And drink some more. And it’s Juicy’s homemade wine, which apparently tastes like dog farts, according to Jacqueline. And I’m going with her palate after seeing her wine cellar.
Tre says, “This tastes so good because it’s so cold!” That’s how you taste wine, by temperature. Not flavor, what are you, an idiot? Rainbow, the more you know.
Then… things get weird. You remember that Juicy Dad is at the table, finally getting food after an entire day of being on his feet. He’s at the table. Teresa shouts across the din that Juicy says she ain’t a good blower like Jacqueline is, is that right? Joe? RIIIIIIIGHT? Jacqueline, who is not that drunk yet (she politely sipped her dog fart Sangiovese until she could dump it down the sink), just gives Teresa a shocked look. Oh, wait, no, she is that drunk because she agrees that she probably is better. Tre asks for pointers.
Teresa then starts in on how Joe calls her a slut when they have sex, because it turns him on, but she’s not a slut, but he calls her slut slut slutty slutslut and Juicy’s dad is right there. I don’t know about you, but the thought of discussing my sex habits with my WASPy in-laws is enough to start my hives.
Jacqueline says, “I think we’re getting a little too comfortable with each other.”
Oh, you think?
It wasn’t weird before, but it is now. There are these decorative red and green rings on the bottle necks, and someone keeps fingering them, stroking the neck of the bottle, holding it up to the air so you can see how big it is. In the biz, we call this “foreshadowing.”
Somehow it’s decided at 1 am to have a pizza making contest. Tre gets all hot and bothered by Juicy when he tosses the dough, because she can see his muscles, and she’s like a schoolgirl for her husband, and that is just adorable, come on! After 13 years to still be turned on, it’s like a miracle for most marriages. Jacqueline makes a Nutella calzone, and let’s face it, that sounds delicious. (Especially if there was some banana sliced up in there with some crushed hazelnuts? Yes, please!)
All the pizzas go into the outdoor pizza oven (which is awesome) and Jac and Tre talk shop. All of the Giudice/Gorga family drama stems from money, it seems. But as Teresa says, “That’s the way the ball drops.” It’s how the cookie gets dunked, how the paper lays on the street, you guys. It is what it as. Jacqueline’s pizza is declared the winner, she grabs a candle in the shape of a saint and gives an acceptance speech. Seriously, how adorable is Jacqueline Laurita?
Rich and Kathy, who drew the short straw for this week’s storyline, discuss an idea Kathy has. She loves making desserts, and maybe she’ll open a dessert catering business? Rich, who sees big, says, fuhgheddaboutit, you’s gonna open the whole shebang, a full restaurant. Kathy isn’t keen on that, but she’ll look at professional kitchen spaces. But eh, nothing really pings with her. And they’re done for the week.
Back at the cabin, Teresa and Juicy are just waking up, they’re all tangled up together and kissing. Aww, that’s nice. Then you hear a buzzing noise. OK. Teresa then explains – TO THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHING – that Joe brought a vibrating cock ring, and that was waking her up. Because your child’s kindergarten teacher needs to know this. That is the very essence of TMI, Ms. Giudice. Boundaries, do you have them?
Juicy slaps her ass, comments on how that was where they had sex for the first time, then – like a boss – climbs out of bed and stands. In his footie jim-jam pants. Like a man. A strong, virile, Italian man. With footie pajamas.
Outside pigs are being put on spits and the guys are shooting clay pigeons, which is a pretty sweet set up, if you ask me. Chris pulls out two of the prettiest guns ever, Henry Repeaters with Cowboy action. (Yeah, again, Texan. It’s in my blood.) They’re Big Boys, too, which means they can shoot .44s, .45s, or .357 caliber bullets. (Hey, one day you might thank me for knowing this. Either you will win a Trivial Pursuit question, or you’ll be better at Red Dead Redemption. I’m here to help.)
They’re great guns because they don’t have a tremendous kick (ladies, stay away from .20 cal shotguns until you know what you’re doing.) Teresa takes a shot, who knows what she hit, but she squeals like that pig on the spit must have done the night before.
Caroline, her sons Albie and Christuhphuh, and Not!Dina drive up to hang with the gang, and Caroline is a little antsy. She is not OK with her sons riding quads, shooting guns, or staying out past dark. And eat your vegetables. They’re in their 20s. They do that, “Yeah, OK, Ma,” thing to calm her down, then jump out of the car, grinning from ear to ear.
Albie says, “I’m going to get drunk before I shoot!” and Christuhphuh says, “This place is danger!” in a very excited tone. Ha ha, the Manzo boys are great.
Because you have to remember that girls have a place and boys have a place, the guys all shoot the hell out of some watermelons while the ladies go shopping. We all love to shop, am I right, ladies? I love to buy anything that smells or looks girly, and if it’s not pink with maribou hot glued to something sparkly, I’m not buying. Ha ha, I hate my life, when will he ever propose? I’m dead inside, oh look, chocolate! ACK.
They have a little moment of CYA (cover your ass) in case anyone from the IRS is watching. Chris asks Juicy if he’s giving Teresa a budget for Christmas. He just looks confused. The girls ask Teresa if she’s started shopping for Christmas and in a complete surprise to everyone, she says she’s not going big, and her girls will be happy with one or two things. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
Back at the cabin, someone pulls out a picture of Juicy back when he was 20 doing the splits. Not the sissy “right” splits, the hard one, the straddle splits. Damn. Jacqueline and he have a “split off” and Jacqueline busts out the right splits, which is impressive. Joe eases down into the straddle, and by god, if the man can’t still do it. He’s 40. I don’t care who you are, that’s impressive. Also, that is going to sting the next day.
Chris says, “You spread easy.” And Joe agrees. Ladies, put bells on ya fellas tonight, I’m just saying.
Everyone but Caroline goes out on the quads that night. Teresa and Juicy are having an absolute blast with each other, you get to see a whole new side of Juicy at this place. This guy needs to work with his hands and live a simple life, nix those real onyx floors, guys! They get back and Teresa tells him, “Thank you for the ride, I’ll give you a ride later.” Wink! Yeah, this is the place for this man to be, I’m telling you.
Bro Joe and Jesus Spice are heading out for the dance recital, and Bro Joe can’t keep his hands off his wife. These Italian men, Jesus, with the hands! He grabs her ass crack and come on, guys, show some respect. They head out, all the family (minus the Giudices) are coming. They’re all dressed to the nines. Well, it’s because this is huge! HUGE. Or so they think.
They pull up to the strip mall where “Tony’s Dance-a-Teria” is, do the meet and greet with family, and dance a little before the show. Bro Joe gives his mama a twirl on the floor, and it’s nice. Such a good-a boy, he love his mama. And the show starts.
Act One! A middle eastern fan dance starring two compute tech dudes and a school’s nurse. It has all the sex appeal you’d expect.
Act Two! Someone’s Noni, who just wants to cut a rug since Pop Pop died, puts on a flapper dress and shakes it until something internal snaps.
Act Three! Some art students that flunked out perform their modern interpretation of a tree that’s been toilet papered while spinning a girl with orange shoes and a tutu on their shoulders. (You have to be an artist to understand, tchuh.)
Act Four! Antonia, sweet little five year old beep-head cutie patootie. And her dance partner is a failed Broadway chorus line dancer that hates his life and has to drink to sleep (to quiet the demons) who holds her hands as she hops around. He puts on his best moves, his lines are so straight (why didn’t he make the revival of Anything Goes?) and he tilts little Antonia this way and that, and they bow, and he races out the side door, slumps down in the back alley, crying to himself until he’s able to pull himself together and face that this is his life, this is what his life is now. He can do this. He’ll show them all they’ve not beaten him down. And then little Giovanni Stanucci tugs on his pant leg and says that Roberto peed himself on the floor and someone needs him to mop it up.
Antonia’s family goes bananas for her, which is super cute. What a loving, supportive world this kid is growing up in. You hear that, mom? Some parents are proud of their children. (I have Middle Child Syndrome, I’m working on it.) Everyone kisses and hugs and praises, and you know, these Gorgas are all right, deep down.
Cabin folks are also wanting to cut a rug, so they head out to the only bar in town, “Drinky McStaggers.” They stick out like a bunch of spoiled Jersey housewives in a group of rednecks that have been imported from Appalachia. Juicy goes to the bar and shouts out, “What do you’s wants? Eh?” Christuhphuh looks around and says, “We might be in the heart of bar fight world.” (That’s not as popular a theme park as you’d think.)
They act like out of town assholes and draw attention to themselves, well Teresa does. She grabs the microphone on the stage and asks everyone to come up and flirt with their friend, Not!Dina, who’s looking for a man. She asks all the men to give out their best pick up lines. It’s all the old tired things, “Do you smoke? Cause you’re smokin’!” “Your mama a baker? You got hot buns.”
Why wouldn’t any of these people take advantage of this primo situation? Throw the stereotype right back their face. “You must have fallen from the sky because my dick is hard. Let’s go bang in the battroom.” “Did it hurt? You know, when I’m about to screw you against the wall? Dat’s what I’m gonna ax yous later.” That might just be hilarious to me.
The next morning is Sunday, which means you gotta get right with Jesus. Jacqueline explains that there is a chapel at the end of the cabin’s driveway. Juicy Dad built that in honor of St. Michael, the Archangel, which is nice, I guess, if you’re religious. They all troop in to get good with God, and Caroline and Jacqueline spy a picture of the Virgin Mary holding baby Jesus by the feet. They lose it and crack up, to the point where Jacqueline has to leave. Teresa says a little prayer, they all cross and kiss their fingers, and back in Jersey, Jesus Spice rolls her eyes and prays like a boss.
NEXT WEEK! Jesus Spice sings again! Teresa and Juicy are in financial troubles! Jacqueline tells Kim D to shut the fuck up! That is what I’m looking forward to, not even gonna pretend otherwise. [Make with the clicking to read, right this way!]