A big revelation happens at McKinley High at the end of this episode, and in honor of our resident President for the Celibacy Club, and her very public ousting, our featured cocktail in today’s drinking game is:
The Not-A-Virgin-Anymore. (You’ll notice there’s no cherry in this drink. Too far? Pfft, no pearl clutching allowed here.)
We start with a battle royale between Sue and Will spitting, flailing, and hissing at one another, and it’s all in glorious slo-mo. How did we get to this place? A flashback to Figgins’ office shows the two of them getting on like gangbusters, being polite and helpful to one another. Wait, how did we get here? Oh, they’re faking, got it. Figgins makes them hug it out and they whisper sweet nothings into one another’s ears.
Will: “I’m going to destroy you.”
Sue: “I’m going to vomit down your back.”
Oh, it’s on like Red Dawn. They’ll use the kids to prove who’s the better leader, that’s responsible and appropriate, Mr. Schue! [Drink!] Will talks to the kids with his earnest voice, wanting to know just what would they like to sing for a change? A unanimous chorus of NOT JOURNEY blows his hair back for a minute. Mercedes just wants something a little more black. Kurt seconds this and pooh-poohs the abuse of show-tunes, ahaha, what?!
I love how the writers tried to force Little Lord Fauntleroy into this hard core gangsta rap mindset with his Navigator rollin’ on dubs (yeah, they 28s) and his character wanting to bust out some L’il Wayne. But the boy a) cannot dance like that and b) look at him. He needs to sing numbers from I Remember Mama or Damn Yankees, not hyper-bouncing along to Jay-Z. He’s just not ready for that jelly.
Mike reminds everyone that he can pop and lock and also make comically shocked faces at will, so…he’s got that going for him?
Sue pulls Quinn and Santana into a meeting to find a chink in the armor. Quinn knows the minority students (who happen to be the majority in class, whatevs) are unhappy with being shunted to the background. AHA, that is it! Sue will use that to make the Glee club toxic, just like when she sold her house to a lovely couple and salted the backyard so nothing would grow for a hundred years. (They dared try to make her pick up her end of the closing costs.)
Quinn and Finn go to the baby doctor and have the first ultrasound done. Finn freaks out, but tries to be supportive of Quinn. The nurse asks them what they’re going to do, and Quinn says, “ADOPT. Adoption. We are not keeping the baby. You know the bathwater? The baby goes with it.” And then the nurse pulls a dick move and says, “Oh really? If you knew it was a girl would that throw a wrench in things?” Quinn is all, “NO,” and Finn is all, “I don’t know, I’m freaking out. Maybe?”
They go outside where Will, their teacher, is waiting for them because he’s the one that drove. [Drink!] No, that’s not weird for a teacher to help you keep your teen pregnancy under wraps from your parents, not at all. Finn tells Will that he just can’t understand his pain, because he has all the stress and none of the decision-making power, and Will just CAN’T UNDERSTAND. Finn wonders if he should cut to feel, maybe wearing some eye liner would help.
Jacob Ben Israel Cohen Bernsteinmann Silverberg Mann (he’s Jewish. With a “Jew-fro.” In case they weren’t playing that stereotype hard enough, I wanted to make sure you knew that kid was of the Chosen People lineage) accosts Rachel. His failed attempts to make her like him force him to get dirty. He knows something about Quinn Fabray and an alleged bun in an alleged oven, and he’s totally going public with the alleged rumor. Unless…
Rachel feels a Sixteen Candles/Farmer Ted moment coming on.
Sue Sylvester comes to Glee Club with a double-headed coin, wins the toss, and earns first draft. In a surprise move, she drafts all of the minorities to be in her “Sue’s Kid” singing club, whodathunk? “Santana, Wheels, Gay kid, Asian, other Asian, Aretha, Shaft, you’re coming with me.”
Will is blindsided, is this some kind of joke? Sue replies coolly, “Bigotry is no laughing matter,” and Santana busts out the “and that’s how Sue C’s it” with the hand gesture. OUTSTANDING. (But if all the awesome singers leave, how will Will achieve fulfillment through them??)
Back at home, Will and Terri have dinner while Terri chats to her weirdly Southern-accented sister. “Don’t you let Quinn vaccinate them babies, that’s what dumbed up my kids!” Will grabs the phone from Terri and hangs it up before he can learn of their devious plot to pull a baby switch. He’s mad as hell and he’s not gonna take it any more. By god, he is going to go with her to the next OB/GYN appointment, because it’s his baby, too! You guys, he’s never even been allowed to feel the pillow, I mean, baby kick! What up with that? (Ruh-roh, Terri, better get on that!)
Finn and Rachel walk the halls together pretending they’re not into each other. Well, Finn pretends, Rachel can’t help but look at him with heart-eyes, especially when he tells her how awesome she is for helping Quinn with that whole “allegedly she’s knocked up” truth-rumor that Jacob Ben Israel Levi Ginsburg Rabinovich was going to reveal. And speak of the devil, he slithers up to Rachel as soon as Finn turns the corner.
Uh, the panties he demanded of her were clearly store bought and didn’t carry any Berrylicious scent. (Gah, why do boys do this? Gross. Girls fart in those same panties, I hope you know. THERE. OUR SECRET IS OUT. We poot.) He demands properly used panties from her, or the story goes live. [Fleurgh. I’m taking a drink just to deal with this unsanitary concept. I have germ issues, okay? I’m not the full Emma Pillsbury, but I understand her.]
Sue’s Kids meet up and I have to address the Hephalump in the room. Kurt Hummel, what in Versace’s Gilt Earth are you wearing? White pants, fine, oxfords, sure, but you have been sullied with a puffy pink cashmere v-neck sweater and I am sorry, but no, sir. NO. [Drink.] Sue hands out sheet music and it’s Jil Scott’s “Hate On Me.”
Mercedes leaps to her feet and busts it out [Drink!] with the kids (mostly) doing a great job of back up. The camera keeps cutting away from Kurt who does everything double-time. (KURT. I love you so much, why is this happening to me and my fantasy world of you being an amazing tap dancer or something? It’s not a speed contest.) And I’m not kidding: watch how many times they position Mercedes in front of him to block his spastic bouncing. Bless his heart, he’ll get it. Eventually.
Will peeps in the window, sees them all happy and satisfied without him, and has a sad. He is in extreme danger of feeling unfulfilled all over again. He corners Sue on the stairwell.
“I thought I smelled failure, hello, William.”
They bicker about all the horrible things Sue keeps doing (burning his sheet music, removing his piano to be “steam cleaned,” etc.) and she lets him know that he deserves it just by virtue of having curly hair like some kind of filthy, sulfurous jackass. She double-bangs her forearms together at him, walks off and knocks some kid aside and shoves his drink to the ground. [Drink!]
Will, at home, grades papers as Terri tries to butter him up with a beer. She apologizes for being mean (she doesn’t mean it, ha) and offers to help him with his school troubles. He reminds her that the last time she “helped” his kids, they were all meth’d up. (Theriouthly.) Hey, if you’re gonna fight Sue Sylvester, you’re gonna need to fight dirty. Oho, Will chin strokes.
Sue walks to Cheerios practice while being interviewed for Cheerleading Today. She sees that only Quinn and Santana are there and wants to know where the others are, to which Quinn replies, “They’re not academically eligible. Because of Mr. Schuester flunking them in Spanish!”
Embarrassed during an interview? THIS WILL NOT STAND. Cue the Carl Orff!
In Figgins’ office she rages against the machine to no avail. Will has proof that the Cheerios have been given a pass for years. His proof includes one particular test where the student misspelled their own name and drew a picture of a sombrero as the answer for every question. Oh, please let that have been Brittany’s test!
You know what? Those kids don’t need to be pestered with words and vocabulary and math. They’re not going to be dishwashers, they’re going to be captains of industry and lawyers! They’ll need to know how to do a perfectly executed round off!
Figgins is unmoved and kicks her out of his office. CUE THE CARL ORFF. AGAIN. She begins destroying the front office, throwing computers and books to the ground, and then body checks a few students on her way to plot and scheme. [Drink!]
In Spanish class, Finn passes Quinn a note with what he thinks is the best baby name ever. (And he’s right. It is.) Drizzle. You know how drizzles are awesome because you get that rain smell but you don’t need an umbrella? That’s an awesome name, right? Quinn calls him an idiot, reminds him that they’re not keeping the damn baby, and then rips her test back from Brittany.
“I just don’t understand anything,” Brittany whispers. Quinn huffs, “That’s not my fault.” (That sombrero test just had to be Brittany’s. Now she’s going to have to draw little burros with serapes for every answer.)
After class Quinn rips into him for thinking they’ll keep the baby, coming up with stupid baby names, and just generally being a big stupid dummy moron fool. Finn lashes back with, “Hey wanna know who doesn’t call me names and makes me feel like an idiot? Her name rhymes with Rachel.”
Locker slam. “You had better not cheat on me with her. Look at this perfect tear on my perfect face! Where is all of my control over you, augh!” and she storms away to reevaluate her life choices.
In the music room, all of the kids have gathered to have a clandestine sing-a-long like freaking rebels. They knock out “Ride wit Me” (Hey! Must be the mon-ay!) and it’s awesome because it’s just them singing in the room without it being pre-recorded. But like all things, the song comes to an end, the kids say how much they miss being a group, and the Sue’s Kids trudge out of the music room before being caught. As Artie rolls out he tosses out, “Bye, white people!” and I laugh.
Will comes in with new sheet music, they’re going to be positive and happy! Sue’s Kids are literally singing about hate, so we’re going to sing about the opposite! Asphyxiation. Why, it’s “No Air” by Jordin Sparks, and surprise! Rachel and Finn will sing the lead. Quinn is not happy about this.
Will informs the two that they have to be together night and day, singing this very romantic song about need and want and longing to one another until they don’t know where reality ends and the fantasy begins and there must be passionate circling and hand holding and eye gazing because there is a plot that needs furthering. Oh, okay, then, if we must.
They sing, and a montage flashes of them walking down the halls as they sing with wind machines blowing their hair, and I shout around the rim of my glass, THERE IS YOUR AIR, wind is air! But no one listens to me, guys. And hey, this song mirrors Rachel’s feelings for Finn, and Quinn is put out about it because the two follow Will’s instructions to embody the very essence of the song. Quinn then works on sabotaging the Will’s White Kids group by bitching about how she, Brittany and Puck are just props swaying in the background. Mr. Schuester… is a bigot, you guys.
Sue happily welcomes Puck (“Shalom!”) and Brittany (“the Dutch are known as a cold people, but that’s no excuse to treat you like a half-priced hooker in Amsterdam’s famous red light district.”)
Cut to Terri sorting through her various fake pregnant bellies (picked up at the local “Hollywood Props-R-Us!” shop) as Will walks in, forcing her to jam a 3 month-er under her shirt. Uh, you’re “pregnant,” we assume you have no shoes on, so where is your husband’s dinner, Missy? Will barks that if she’s home first, she better bring him his chicken pot pie on a tv tray. Terri blinks rapidly as Will also informs her that he went ahead and made an appointment for their first ultrasound together. Oopsie doodles! Better get on that, Terri.
Will storms into the teacher’s lounge after discovering that he only has three singers left. Sue offers him a deal: pass my Cheerios and you can have your losers and snot faucets back. Will stands, smooths his vest and tells her, “No.” He checks his nose for boogers once his back is turned.
Dr. Wu, one of two OB/GYNs in Lima, is calmly trimming his bonsai and Terri and Southern-accent sister inform him that he’s about to Evil Keneval his ethical boundaries. Sister tells him that she firmly believes that her stupid, creepy, ginger kids are a result of his using too much pitocin during her deliveries, and if he doesn’t want a smear campaign, then he had better help them pull the fake-ultrasound over Will’s eyes. He wonders if he can jam his pruning scissors in his throat and end it all.
Quinn confronts Rachel: I know you think you can have Finn, but you can’t. I’m pregnant with his baby (lol, no you’re not!) and that’s just tacky of you. I’m trying to be nice, but I want to bite your face off like Hannibal Lecter. Then she does that “ff-ff-ff-ff!” thing, it’s creepy.
Rachel: “You’re right. But let’s be clear. I know you’re cheating.”
Quinn: (mild freakout, no one knows about Puckerman!) “What?!”
Rachel: “I know you’re Sue’s mole. (Whew!) Just remember she doesn’t care about you. But Glee does, because you’re pretty and popular and you hang with us.”
Quinn reacts to this by busting out “Set Me Free” in a breathy voice that is not appropriate for the number (seriously, she has a pretty voice, but it’s weak. Pair her up with Sia, or Jewel. Anything nice and quiet and lovely.) Oh, and she’s singing on the stairwell. And then in cheer practice. It’s all very old school musical, and those are the numbers that make me itch. I like my satire, what can I say? And as the song goes on I realize, oh, this is a literal interpretation. “Set me free, why don’t you,
fetus baby? Get out my womb life, why don’t you, fetus baby?”
Rachel, Quinn and Finn get ready perform their number, “No Air” in front of Sue’s Kids, but as soon as they start, Sue stands and demands that her group leaves with her. Sue explains that it’s just sad for her kids, who are all poor and on welfare and Mercedes interrupts, “Uh, my dad’s a dentist?” and Will flips his lid.
He and Sue go at it, and we’re back to the beginning argument. Finn, because he’s supposed to be the leader, bellows, “ENOUGH.” And they all listen. He shames the adults, and the kids have their say.
Mercedes: “I’m over this minority stuff. I’m a strong black woman, but I am more than that! I’m Audi.” [fingerpeacesignkiss]
Tina: “Wh-wh-wh-what she said. B-b-b-but Asian, not b-b-b-black. I have a st-st-stutter.”
Rachel: “Glee Clubbers? Allow me to show you how a proper storm-out is done.” [Flounce!]
They all leave and Will has another sad.
At the OB/GYN, a privacy sheet is hung so Will can’t see the sleight of hand Dr. Wu is about to do with the ultrasound. He and Terri fake things, and Quinn’s ultrasound is used in place of the big ol’ nothing that would be Terri’s. Dr. Wu says there has been a mistake, it’s not a boy, it’s a girl, hoorays!
Will’s lip starts to tremble. Tears form. Oh, he’s not upset it’s not a boy, he’s just overcome with happiness at the sight of his first child. FINALLY HE IS FULFILLED. Terri sees the emotion on his face and kinda starts to realize how horrible her plan is. It really, really is, Terri. She wants him to always remember how happy he is right now, no matter what.
“Oh, nothing. KISS ME.”
Back at McKinley, Sue meets with Will. She’s going to step down as co-director (but stay on as consigliere) because she does actually care about teaching. Uh, huh? Er, OK. No matter, Will gets all of his kids back and there is much rejoicing.
He goes to the music room to tell them that they’re all his children now, and they’re all minorities because they’re Gleeks. Aww. Sue is there to back Will up on the new “I’m not going to destroy you any more, I’m out of here” policy, but gets a look at Quinn and calls her out on being pregnant. Sue looks devastated, actually. And because that’s an honest emotion, she’ll turn it into something she can control, which is rage. She’ll make sure it goes public on Jacob’s rumor site. Damn, that’s cold.
Rachel confronts Jacob, they had an agreement! Jacob is terrified because Sue made him do it. Flashback to Sue having found the panties, gets the story from Jacob, does not believe it’s true about Quinn, because that’s her Captain. She’d never lie to Sue! Jacob quietly says, “I have three sources confirming it.”
Sue looks off in the middle distance and replies, “Run it.”
Finn holds his girlfriend in his arms out in the hallway as she cries it out. He tells her that everything is going to be okay as he looks over her head at Rachel.
The Glee Club sings about their feelings, because that’s what they do. They’re all in white tops and sing “Keep Holding On,” and it’s like they’re Quinn’s personal angels, even though she’s really mean to them all. That’s what makes the Gleeks so awesome, you guys, they just keep taking it. I mean, they just keep showing their kindness to others because they get it. They get how it feels to be on the outside looking in. Quinn is in a maternity-esque top, too, which cracks me up. She’s only like 2 months along!
Rachel and Finn kind of sing to each other, too, because this song has layers, some might even call it a double entendre [Drink!] Then there’s a hint of a threesome as Finn stands between both girls and takes their hands and they all stare at each other with fear and longing and uncertainty, and that’s just how those work, guys, they’re never as smooth as they are in the movies (someone is always left staring at a butt, with nothing to do) and sorry, I got off track.
OMG who will Finn end up with, guys?! Keep holding on, ’cause we’re gonna make it through, make it through.
Drunken Thoughts: As icky as I find the whole fake pregnancy plot device, I do acknowledge that I find the fake belly drawer to be hilariously awesome. Also, I find myself distracted every time Jacob Ben Israel Stanislov Solomon is on screen, as I wonder about his hair. It’s ginger’d, and it’s obviously styled to be huge, and how does he wear his hair in real life? I haven’t been interested enough to look him up or anything, because Puck will come on screen and flex and I forget about everything but the fact that Mark Salling went to my high school and he’s hot as hell and weren’t we talking about threesomes earlier?
I’m pressing my glass to my forehead. Whew. Right. Fake babies. Ugh, hurry up and get busted, Terri.