Hey there, Gleeks!
Get your game card, because the featured cocktail today is The Purple Slushie (the grownups version.)
(Right click image to print.)
Our free square today is to drink every time a slushie is slushed.
A (less exciting) purple slushie is birthed from a machine into a Big Quench cup by an unseen person. It roams the halls in search of a victim. The victim is Finn, and his face is douched with the icy goodness. [DRINK!] It was KAROFSKY! Finn shoves him, pissed. And in a little oho, did you now? Karofsky says,
“I’ve wanted to do that ever since the fifth grade when you made fun of me for getting pubes.”
And how did he know you had pubes, Dave? (This will be important in season 2.)
OMG, you guys, it’s finally happened. Quinn and Finn are no longer popular. I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the Apocalypse.
In the teacher’s lounge, Ken and Emma nervously approach Will. Their wedding, which no one will know about, be invited to, nor attend, is coming up against a problem. (Just the one?) Neither of them know how to dance, yet they feel they must have a dance. O…kay. Emma wants the ever girly classic, “I Could Have Danced All Night” from My Fair Lady, while Ken, because he’s nothing but class, wants his first wedding dance to be to the “Thong Song.”
So how about it, Will? Can you do one of those mash-up thingies you do so well? It’s the ultimate challenge, and Will takes it on. Oh, but one more thing: you’re going to have to teach Emma how to dance in her dress, because it’s a tv show and this would never happen in real life. I mean, because Will is so thoughtful and helpful and his relationship with Emma is so totes platonic, am I right?
Finn and Quinn try to think of ways to be cool again (walk to the beat of your drummer, be an individual that is confident, be in a band, make up an alternative to high-fives? Sorry, just throwing some things out there) while waiting for Glee to begin. Kurt sits behind them in a horrid tie with a man painted on it. [DRINK.] Eventually the costume department gets better funding and won’t have to shop at thrift stores anymore, thank goodness.
Will tells the kids that the lesson today is about the mash-up, taking two wrong things and putting them together to make one right thing. (You got your chocolate in my peanut butter, for example. Or clown porn.) Their homework will be to find a song that works with “Bust A Move,” by Young MC. Guys, I have no idea either.
Since the kids are all, uh, wut? about doing the song, Will – who you know was secretly hoping this would happen – says, “OH HERE LET ME.” He unbuttons his shirt [Sip!] and starts in with his White Man Rappin’ Skilz. He actually sings the line, “you wish you could sex her” as he holds Quinn Fabray’s face. I could not have made anything about this more inappropriate unless there was nudity involved. [DRINK.]
He does rock out with the dance moves, though. He sings, “Now you’re feeling really fine ’cause the girl is stacked” to one Kurt Hummel, who responds with OH MY GOD, an eye roll, and a storm away. Kurt spends the rest of the song irritated in the corner, checking his perfect manicure. (Wasn’t it just last episode that Kurt was all, “Preach on, Preacher!” to Mercedes about the need for more “blackness” in Glee? I digress.)
Finn and Quinn head over to Emma’s office for some guidance on how to be cool. There are no “So You Wish You Weren’t A Loser!” pamphlets handy, so she tries to explain how they should just like themselves. Will takes this chance to stand outside her door and groin thrust and point at her, which causes her heart to go pitter-pat and stop listening to the kids. She snaps out of her reverie and blurts out, “Sunglasses! Uh, you know, they’re mysterious. Like rappers.”
Finn loves this idea. “Totally! You can’t see their eyes so they have all the power!”
Emma cuts in, “No, no, I should have said you should just be yourself, because anyone that doesn’t like you isn’t worth your time.” Quinn is all with the eye rolling because she knows that’s not true if your goal is to be popular, not be happy or something lame like that.
School is out and Emma is in her ridiculous Princess Di knock off dress with a 10 foot train. She walks down the hall to her dance lesson with Will. The reasoning is that she needs to know how to dance in this dress, not just how to dance. Will thinks she’s beautiful, but he can’t do anything about it what with him being married and all.
So! Let’s get this dance lesson started. Will busts out the Thong Song (oh my god) and this is the weirdest dance lesson ever, because Emma just stands there in her chiffon glory as Will runs around her rapping at her, flipping the hem of her skirt around and up [“Let me see that thong!” DRINK], and grinds up against her leg. She’s just standing there in full woo. As he woos her. He drops it like it’s hot, makes that ass clap like hands, and then ruh-roh, he falls over, pulling her on top of him.
We have a TV moment of “See? We should totally be together, look at how we look at one another!” Blame it on the th-th-th-th-th-th-th-thong. I mean, really. Really?! The THONG song. Okay. (That is hilarious, I totally admit.)
In football practice no one listens to Finn when he makes calls. Which is probably why you’re all Lima losers, jerk faces, he’s QB1! They don’t like him because he’s clearly gay now, what with the pregnant girlfriend and the singing. (It’s true, those are total gateways into rainbow gardens of leather daddies and twinks.) Karofsky gets in a dig about someone else knocking up Quinn (because Finn is gay, hurr) and that’s it. Finn tackles him to the ground and they fight.
Coach Tenaka berates them all, asks where Puck is, and someone says he’s at Glee practice, and Ken loses his shit. No. More. GLEE. It’s clearly the source of everything wrong in his life. (Oh, honey, it’s not the singing, it started with your polyester pants and ended with your aversion to micro-dermabrasion, I’m just saying.)
The new rule: pick. You can’t do both, it’s football or Glee.
Rachel is at home singing, “What A Girl Wants” into her hairbrush to Puck, who lays on her bed with his guitar, waiting for her lips to be doing something else. As soon as she stops, he asks, “Wanna make out?”
Damn, that was easy! Wait, why is Puckerman sucking face with Rachel, though? We flashback to his house and the traditional family viewing of Schindler’s List. A sobbing Mrs. Puckerman tells Noah that he’s no better than the Nazis because he isn’t dating a nice Jewish girl. (Wow.) That night he dreamed that Rachel came into his room wearing all white and a Star of David necklace like some kind of Hebrew angel. It’s a message from God! Rachel’s a hot Jew, so he needs to get into her pants.
We see another purple slushie being carried through the halls, and it stops at Rachel. [DRIN- oh, wait, never mind.] It’s Puck, and he’s giving it to her the proper way. [Spit it back in your glass. Oh, hell, drink it, I’m not going to judge.] He and Rachel make out all the time now, and they’re going to do their mash-up together, aww.
The camera cuts to Rachel seeing Finn when she and Puck are kissing. She stops herself and makes up a lame excuse to end this sham of a Jewlationship. “I, um, can’t give myself to someone that isn’t brave enough to sing a solo in Glee.”
“Are you questioning my bad assness? Have you seen my guns?” I love you Puckerman.
She breaks him down gently, it just isn’t working.
Back in school Will asks the kids how they’re coming with their homework, and Puck interrupts. He’s been working on a tribute to a Jewish icon, and it goes a little something like this…. Strum! He starts singing “Sweet Caroline” to Rachel in front of Yahweh and everyone. Santana is pissed, Rachel is touched, Finn is disturbed, and Quinn is turned on. Oh, are you now?
Side note, I can’t hear this song without thinking of the skit Will Ferrell did on SNL. “I wrote this song after a night at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, we were driving down this dark road and I hit a kid. We got out, and sure enough he was dead. So we just took off. Pretty fast. And two hours later, I wrote Sweet Caroline. Sweeeeeeeet Caroline!” Ahahaha.
Oh, Puck does an outstanding job, as if you didn’t know that already.
The next day Quinn and Finn show up wearing massive shades. Ten members of the football team surround them. Aaaand in a move that surprises no one, they’re slushied by all ten. [Drink!]
Sue’s Corner is on that night’s news.
“Some may say, ‘That’s not how I define marriage,’ but to them I say, love knows no bounds. Why can’t people marry dogs? I’m certainly not advocating intimacy with your pets, I for one think intimacy has no place in a marriage. Walked in on my parents once, it was like seeing two walruses wrestling. And that’s how Sue C’s it.”
After the news, Rod Burgundy (sans masculine man pelt above the lip) spritzes his breath with freshener and tells Sue he likes her backbone. (Thanks, just had it put in.) Maybe she’d care to step out for fondue some time? Sue, with obvious joy on her face, says yes, that sounds lovely.
We cut to Sue and Will rocking out to “Sing, Sing, Sing, (With A Swing!) and do the whole dance. They’re laughing and gay and this is such a good time, everyone! Are we all very stoned? No! Sue is in love. She and Will high five to a dance well done and she fills him in. Their first date was them playing Battleship. “You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.”
“Do you like to swing?”
Oh. Ahaha. Wrong swing, Sue. I think. She’s so happy and excited about this brave new world that she no longer wants to destroy Will or Glee Club, she just wants to dance and love and be merry. She lets Will know that Tenaka is making the kids choose between Glee and football, though.
Will confronts Tenaka. They had these schedules worked out, he thought. Tenaka tries to hide his pout and says, “Things changed.” Will wants to know what this is really about. It’s about Will not liking The Thong Song, isn’t it?
Cut the crap, Will. Emma is into you, Tenaka is the consolation prize, and he’ll be damned if his football team is the consolation prize to those singing dorkwads. Will apologizes and says he will never encourage any flirting between Emma and himself. So let’s go put those schedules back to rights, hey buddy ol’ pal? Tenaka gets in his face and blows his truth whistle. The kids can choose what they want. He drops the whistle and backs out of the locker room, arms spread and eyes locked on Will.
Rachel and Puck walk through the halls arm in arm. Aww. When Rachel finally shuts up about something lame, Puck asks her what she thought about his super awesome solo. She starts to critique it (no, no, no, girlfriend!) and then realizes that is stupid and gives him praise and lovings. And he’s immediately slushied. [DRINK!]
She washes the grape juice out of his Mohawk in the bathroom and tries to clean him up. Puck has a moment of clarity. “I’m really sorry I ever did this to you.” (Damn girl, you’re making out with a dude that bullied you?) He feels really bad that the Gleeks have had to deal with all of this. But he’s still going to pick football over Glee. He just can’t deal with this kind of thing. He says he feels like a bad Jew, and she kisses his forehead and leaves.
Will takes Emma on her lunch break to her bridal fitting. No, that wouldn’t be awkward at all. Also, what about all of that “I won’t do anything untoward with Emma” bidness? Naughty, naughty! [DRINK.]
Emma comes out, looking every bit a vision. Will gulps and tugs his tie, then Emma begins to sing “I Could Have Danced All Night” competently as Will waltzes her around the place and everyone watches and wonders if this is some flash mob they didn’t know about. They gaze into each other’s eyes and the longing builds. Will snaps out of it, tells her he can’t do this, mentions the competition (to earn brownie points, he’s no dummy) and leaves.
The Gleeks in the music room watch the clock as it nears 3:30 to see if the football players will come. Kurt is wearing some hideous red plaid trousers that would look better on a skin head with braces back in 1984. [DRINK.] Mercedes is upset when the clock strikes the time and they’re by themselves.
BUT SOFT! What jocks through yonder door pop-locks? It is Mike Chang and Matt Rutherford. At least they’ll have backup dancers, right? OH HEY, here comes Puck, and he’s all sheepish about it. I forgot how hot Puck was until I started re-watching this season, but I’m sure you’ve picked up on that.
Finn is a no show. He’s at football practice and high fivin’ the dudebros.
Another slushie maneuvers through the hallways. Artie, T-t-tina and Mercedes are grouped together, they flinch, but they’re wearing ponchos and the slushie moves on. Kurt is at his locker wearing a horrendous plastic see-through trench coat [DRINK] and we see that it is FINN HUDSON carrying the foul weapon of mass destruction.
“Do it,” Kurt says as he squares his shoulders.
“I honestly don’t want to. I know how picky you are about what products you use on your face.” Aww, Finn cares deep down. Well, about himself. If he doesn’t slushie one of them, the football team will beat the crap out of him.
Mercedes head rolls a “Oh, HALE naw,” and Rachel snarks back, “Why shouldn’t he? He made his choice about us ‘losers.’”
Kurt takes the slushie, stares Finn down like a mother truckin’ MAN and slushies himself. [Drink. Sadly.] You know he’s pictured Finn and “slushied” himself in his bedroom, hey-o, masturbation is funny. He tells Finn to get the hell out of there and think about if any of his football friends would do this for him. The girls then rush Kurt into the Ladies, aka the closest day spa available.
Sue shows up at the news station in a Zoot suit for Rod’s approval. And Rod is making out with Andrea Corningstone. Happiness: dashed to the floor.
“I came by early to show you my suit.”
“Only men wear those.”
“Sue, I can’t be caged. That’s why I have my tiger tattoo.”
Sue is in a glass case of emotion. But on her it just looks like seething.
Rachel visits Puck in the stands as he watches the others at football practice. She hopes he didn’t drop out for her, because she doesn’t think they’re going to work out as a couple, what with him being into Quinn and her liking Finn. Puck ain’t bothered, because he was going to break up with her anyway. She wouldn’t even let him touch her boobs. (Not even over the sweater, girl?)
She says she hopes they can be friends, but Puck just gives her a look. “Why? We weren’t friends before.” Damn, son!
Will finds Finn down on the field and gives him a quick PSA about finding yourself and not being pushed into being someone you’re not. Not that Will’s pushing Finn to be a singer, when Finn might really just be an awesome dishwasher one day, he’s just saying. You know. Come back to Glee.
Finn actually thinks about this and tells Coach Tenaka that all of this stuff is making it hard for him to lead. He wants to lead people to a world where it’s okay to be different, to sing, to play football, whatever. This actually works, and Coach cancels the practice that interferes with Glee. GUYS WE ALL LEARNED SOMETHING TODAY.
Sue confronts Will in the hallway. He has no idea things went south, so he’s all “Hey, Best Buddy! Hugsies!” with her. She starts barking at him to give her the set list for her approval and if it is one minute late on her desk, “I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home, and punch you in the face.”
Best. Joke. Ever. Will takes stock of the situation.
“Didn’t work out with Rod?”
“No, it did not.”
Sue marches over to Quinn, orders her to take off her ridiculous sunglasses and tells her that she’s off the Cheerios. She doesn’t want some pregnant girl in there, and Quinn is a disgrace. [Ouch. That’s not a physical body check, but close enough. Drink.]
Will tells Emma that he just can’t get the two songs to work together, what with one being a stupid, base song that frat dudes fist pump to on the Jersey Shore and the other is a beautiful red head that he’s crushing on. Er, is a lovely song that is perfect in every way. Emma forgives him because she knows they don’t go together. (DO YOU, EMMA? The man wears knee socks, are you really marrying that thing?)
Will heads into the music room to see that Finn has brought everyone celebratory slushies to toast Mr. Schue for being awesome. They all admit that nothing goes with “Bust a Move,” and he forgives them, because it was a switcharoo – of course nothing goes with it! It’s a complete loner of a song that doesn’t fit in anywhere. Just like all of you. But take that to mean you’re all special snowflakes and not the shitty undertone I just implied.
They all laugh and rejoice and love one another and Quinn bitches about being a dork with all the other dorks in their dorkdom because she has just not learned to stop being mean to the gang. But they all say “We’re here for you, beautiful blond girl that graces us with your presence!” and Will gets a brain freeze from his slushie.
And they all smile and dump their slushies on their teacher. And there was not one detention given that day, hooray! [DRINK!]
This was pretty anvil on the head about being yourself, and how opposites don’t work (uh, is that really the lesson?) but this is also the episode with the greatest Sue Sylvester joke in history, and for that, I salute it. Do you know how hard that is to pull off? Making people think you’re going one way and then completely veering off track? Awesome. Jane Lynch is outstanding.
Also, the final dress Emma wears is perfection and it healed my brain from the wedding cake lace monstrosity from earlier. And while I laugh at it, Matthew Morrison’s dancing in this episode was hot. Oh, and there were Puck make outs, so that’s awesome. And no fake baby stuff! So that’s even more awesome. You know what else is awesome? This drink. [lady burp] And you.