The Bachelorette: Season Ashley; episode 7

dumb and dumber anyone?

We open the show with Bashley walking in Taipei, Taiwan bringing back the 80s in her very vibrant, pleated, multi-colored mini skirt. Remember Forenza sweaters? She totally needed one in turquoise, with the V turned to the back and a hot pink racer-back tank underneath. Oh, and a wide hot pink belt at the waist. I may have worn that exact same outfit in 9th grade. Maybe.

She’s VERY EXCITED about the six amazing (one shot for amazing!) guys she has left. She’s feeling good about them all and now wants to explore both the physical and emotional connections. (that’s Bachelorette code for I NEED TO GET NAKED!)

She’s ready to “move forward with this amazing journey!” (2 shots for amazing and journey!)

Mr. Overpaid greets the Douchetestants when they arrive, and earns his money by saying “This week is very important. Only 6 of you left. Only 4 will have home dates…” Cha-ching. Y’all go on back to your suite where you’ll find the first date card.

The date card reads “Let your love light shine” and I haven’t stopped singing Collective Soul since. Heaven let your light shine down….Constantine’s the man for this date–let’s hope we can stay awake for this.

They take a train to a village and I’m already cringing because I’m quite certain there will be more market shopping. Seriously, shoot me.

Bashley’s outfit is a pair of Pajama jeans, a Flash-dance t-shirt with the back completely cut out and a pair of 5 inch heels. IF I EVER MEET HER STYLIST I WILL SHOOT TO KILL.

They go to the village where they are holding a lantern festival. They are to write their ‘love wish’ on a paper lantern and then release their wish into the air…Constantine is pretending to be into the lantern thing and the wish thing but really seems bored. Bashley tells us she thinks this is the “most romantic date ever.” I yawn.

The dinner date they start to discuss families, etcetra. He starts talking about His Big Fat Greek Family and how they love the Ouzo and love to Opa! Bashley asks if things go well, will this work for you and he says, aftter a really long pause…”If I fall in love.” Sorry Bashley, Constantine just ain’t feelin’ it.They release their love wish lantern into the sky, and Bashley forces him and his plaid shirt to kiss her. (I’m pretty sure he’s only worn plaid this entire season.)

Next date is Ben. Ryan says Bashley is just saving the best for last and JP is fighting the green monster because he thinks it’s a mind-fuck watching Bashley date other douches. Welcome to the show, JP…

Bashley and Ben take off on a scooter and for once, Bashley is wearing normal clothes! Jean shorts and a tank top. She looks good and not like she just got dumped out of a DeLorean with “Calvin.”

Ben has had ‘an incredible day’ and he’s ‘never been happier’ and he’s ‘falling in love with Ashley.’ Over and over and over he says these things. Take 3 shots for annoying douchebaggery.

Then Ben makes the biggest douchebaggery statement of the date: He doesn’t like to throw the “L-Bomb” around often. Ugh. The L-Bomb? WTF? is that Leprosy? Lyme Disease? Laxative Abuse? Yes, that would be it. L-Bomb is the result of laxative abuse. Good to know.

Meanwhile back at the DoucheRanch in the morning… Ben hasn’t returned from his date! WTF-Over? An overnight? in the middle of the dating? You had dinner and breakfast? And JP is pissed. Wow. here we go again with the Mind-fuck. JP–you are aware of the concept of the show? Right?

Group date time: JP, Ames, and Lucas. Bashley is wearing another ugly bright pleated tee-tiny mini-skirt. And a black button down top. KILL HER STYLIST. KILL HER STYLIST. K-I-L-L HER STYLIST.

They are going to take “Wedding pics” together. Lucas is wearing a gold gown, Ames is wearing a 1970s glitter and peach tux, and JP gets a real tux.

Her photoshoot with Lucas was a “traditional Tawianese set up”. They had about as much chemistry as two rocks. Same with Ames in his 70s ruffled attire. It was ridiculous.

JP and Bashley were the traditional American wedding attire an they looked normal and pretty but JP is uncomfortable having a group date because he thinks they are past all that. I swear to Moses, it’s like he’s forgotten the purpose of the show.

It’s dinner and cocktail party time and Ames is wearing RED PANTS. My head just exploded.

Lucas and Bashley’s alone time… all I could see this as was a set up for Lucas to go home. She talks a lot about him being married before and how will his family be with meeting her, etc.

Ames and Bashley: Ames shows pics from home…he used to be quiet. Bashley keeps calling him “unique.” Which is Bashley code for YOU WEAR RED PANTS AND HAVE A HORSE FACE.

JP and Bashley: JP is on the rag and his PMS is at very high levels as he tells Bashley he has hated this week and hated watching her whore around, I mean date other guys. He knows the purpose of this show, he just don’t like it. LUCY, HE GOTTA PROBLEM!! And Bashley runs to get him a fresh tampon in the form of the date rose. He takes a Pamprin and kisses her and life is all better.

Happy Fun Time Ryan finally gets a 1-on-1 date. He runs toward her in the courtyard and Bashley…doesn’t run toward him. Hmmmm. Could this be some foreshadowing?

He’s happy because there is ‘no rose on this date’ which means he doesn’t have to worry, he can just relax. They go to a temple and watch people pray and chant. Yes, this is an ideal date. THey make a wish on a brick to the match-making god. Bashley is big on the wishes thing this episode. In order for their wishes to come true, they bricks have to land on opposite sides. OOOOPS! They don’t. Ryan is not bothered though. Ever the optimist he forges on.

The date is boring. BO-RING. He talks, she placates. This is not a good first date. In Bashley’s private interviews she keeps saying she’s not sure if she’s ready to meet Ryan’s family.

Ryan’s job has something to do with the environment (Solar industry or some such). I haven’t really researched what it is because I really don’t care. Anyway, Ryan asks her on their boring picnic what she does for the environment and she says basically nothing. She doesn’t think about it and even had a dude break up with her because she threw a plastic bottle away. This is not a match made in heaven.

And that’s when Bashley breaks the news to him that even though he’s technically the perfect guy for her, she’s not feeling it for him and doesn’t see him as her husband. Ryan finally stops smiling…and turns on the water works. Wow. I hate to see a Happy Go Lucky man cry. So despite the fact that there’s no rose to be given on this date, she sends Ryan packing. I admire Bashley for her honesty here. It’s never easy to send someone home and she told him she didn’t wanna put him through the rose ceremony.

Ryan comes back to the suite to tell the boys he’s been sent packing and all the dudes don’t hide their excitement very well…

Bashley skips the cocktail party and sends Lucas home at the Rose ceremony. The final four are Ben, Constantine, Ames and JP. The person who seems the most shocked that Lucas got sent packing over Ames is JP…he looked Ames right in the face and said “Wow. Didn’t expect that.” And the thought bubble over his head said, DUDE YOU WORE RED PANTS! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Next week: Home dates. Where there is an Opa! there is hope for drama!