Glee! 1.13 Sectionals

"Noah, you're looking as well as can be expected, but Jacob Ben Israel Cohen Bernsteinmann Silverberg, why are you wearing an homage to Mork from Ork?"

The lovely Miss Emma Pilsbury has a bit of the plot focused on her, and so today’s drink is in her name:  The Jilted Ginger.

Everyone needs Domaine de Canton. One, the bottle looks like a Moulin Rouge lamp base. Two, it’s ginger liqueur. It’s delicious, what, you’re allergic to delicious? There are loads of uses, all of them involve you pouring this in your mouth. Also, you can feel all fancy when none of your friends have it in their woefully understocked bar.

Our free space is to drink whenever someone’s being dishonest. (Prepare your livers.) Also, we’re about to switch to new game cards because Kurt’s fashion is becoming far better than it was in the beginning, and he looks super dapper in his striped T and grey cord blazer.



Rachel pulls aside some of the Gleeks and asks them if any of them noticed earlier when Quinn slipped and fell on her keister that Puckerman raced over to her? Um, guys? She’s definitely kinda psychic, sorta, and she’s pretty sure her extra sense is trying to tell her something. Kurt slaps a hand over his mouth to keep from braying laughter. Rachel is totally going to Encyclopedia Brown this sitch and blow the story wide open.

It seems that Mercedes told Kurt, Tina, and Artie about Puck’s confession to being the baby daddy, and they don’t want Rachel to know because she’ll totally tell Finn. And there goes their chances at Sectionals. Wow, that is so totally selfish, kids! Also, dishonest. [DRINK.] They’re all walking next to each other and conversing (to each other) on their cell phones and conference in Brittany and Santana. They know, too.

The group thinks maybe Santana would blab so she could get back at Puck for not dating her anymore, but she eye rolls that away. “Sex is not dating.”

Brittany: “If it were, Santana and I would be dating.” [DRINK!]

Awkward moment of silence as that steeps, but Santana agrees: no one tell Finn because they’ll lose at Sectionals.

Emma tells Will (who is back to being completely unfulfilled over losing Glee and his fake baby) that she will take over supervising Glee for him. She’s pushed the “can’t change the time” wedding back a few hours. Ken was really mad about it, but she lies to Will and says Ken thinks it’s great that she’s helping out the kids. [DRINK.]

Rachel approaches Quinn at her locker and asks if she’s had, oh, you know, some genetic testing on her unborn child for, say, Tay-Sachs Disease? Oh, whoopsie doodles, Rachel forgot you only have to do that if at least one parent is Jewish. (So Puck is Ashkenazim? Cool to have that confirmed.) So since Finn and Quinn are clearly not of any Abrahamic lines, no big. Later, tater!

Quinn quietly freaks out, finds Puck, and scream-whispers that they need to go get a test done immediately. Well, Puck can’t on Friday because he’s got his Fight Club. (Not anymore you don’t, buddy, what’s the first rule of Fight Club!?)

Will tells the group that Emma will be their coach. Brittany mutters, “She’s the one they made me talk to when they found I was keeping a bird in my locker.” [DRINK!]

Will sadly bids them adieu, he can’t even help them tweak their set list (My god, you’ve have months to build a set list and it’s still not finished?) Will, emotional as he leaves, is officially unfulfilled again.

Rachel senses weakness and promptly chirps that she will kick in the big finale number, naturally. Mercedes starts to pull off her earrings and other jurry because she has this, I THANK YOU. Emma says to give Mercedes a chance and they’ll all decide.

Mercedes fixes Tinkles with a look. “Do I even need to tell you which song?” And he immediately starts playing Chopsticks. It’s weird. She coughs and the correct music starts. Mercedes unleashes every single ounce of awesome living in her soul and knocks “And I Am Telling You” out of the park, beyond the parking lot, over the highway, and it keeps sailing. [DRINK. Salute, then DRINK again.]

Amber Riley. Listen to me. I love you. I want to hear you sing this all day long. I will feed you and buy you footwear and we can drink and laugh and you can sing to me every night.

Everyone sit with their jaws dropped, I get chills, and Rachel watches everything about Mercedes’ performance, and smiles. I mean, Jesus please us. It’s outstanding. Mercedes wraps it up in a big ol’ bow and asks for criticism. Rachel smiles at her and says that she can’t wait to hear her sing it at Sectionals. And then she says “I’m going to hug you now.” And they do.

GUYS EVERYONE IS GROWING. I’m all verklemmt. Bitte.

Finn compliments Rachel on being cool back there, and she gets her intense “I’m Rachel Berry, Future STAR,” look and tells him earnestly that she just wants him to be happy. Wha-huh? She explains. “I have to tell you something.”

Uh oh.

Cut to an upshot of Finn’s furious expression as he beats Puck’s face without mercy. Everyone stands around horrified, and Will races in to stop it.

Finn screams, “Tell the truth!”

Puck asks, “What?”

“Don’t play dumb! You’re too dumb to play dumb!”

Everyone turns on Rachel for telling, but for Pete’s sake, what Quinn was doing was awful! Quinn starts crying and admits it. Finn reacts as everyone feared: he’s done with all of them. He storms out.

Rachel nervously approaches Quinn, sitting outside the music room. “I fully understand if you want to beat me up. Please watch the nose.”

But Quinn has grown up a lot in the past few minutes and just wants to be alone. She knows that what she did was awful, she just wants to wallow in it for a bit. Rachel leaves, but Puck comes over. He really wants to be with her, but Quinn just really wants to do this alone and to be alone and she is forever alone. Puck is pretty hurt by that.

What was the name of this show again? Eh, doesn’t matter. Everyone is down in the dumps and loaded up in the bus for Sectionals. Yay. Jacob Ben Israel Schaltzmann-Katz Levi is going to replace Finn, a no-show. Will tells him to just not sing and stand in the back. He sits by Rachel and tries to rub her shoulders. Ha. Also: gross. The bus rolls out.

They get to the meet and it’s really scary – they’ve drawn the third slot (of three) and Rachel tells them that’s great, they’ll be the freshest on the judges’ minds.

Jane Addams School for Girls busts out “And I Am Telling You” (not as good as Mercedes would have sung it, I’m just saying) and the group sits in the theater, shocked. Oh, then the girls’ school does a little thing called “Proud Mary.” In wheelchairs. Help them, Baby Jesus, help them, Tom Cruise!

Emma gets on the phone with Will and tells him the problem: they other schools are doing all of New Direction’s numbers! The kids are freaking out and they really need a leader! Will starts singing “I Need A Hero!” to himself and races off to get those kids a leader, by god!

He goes back to where it all started, where the siren song of an underdeveloped voice led him to the biggest, wettest, most inexperienced boy Will had ever known. (Wow, dude, DRINK because I remembered how inappropriate that scene was.) FINN HUDSON.

Finn is there cleaning out his football locker. Will tells him the gang really needs him. Finn rolls his eyes, because he’s sick of being the bigger man. But being special can suck! (Unspoken message: don’t be special kids, you have to sacrifice.)

Will accidentally on purpose leaves his keys in the locker room, and walks out, hands in pockets and whistling. Finn picks up the keys, ignores the “Marriott: Room 232” key and goes for the one for Will’s car.

The rival coaches are at the bar drinking to their successful monkey shines [DRINK!] when Emma comes over and gives them her best Guidance Councilor smack down. And they call themselves educators! Teaching disadvantaged kids that the only way to get ahead is to cheat, tsk tsk, are they secretly training Halliburton’s next executives?

She does the “Clarice tricks Lecter into taking her psychological profile” by saying that maybe they’re just too afraid to let them kids dig deep. Then she hands each of them pamphlets, “So You Want Your Children To Win At All Costs!” and walk away, wrapping her virtue over her shoulders like the many cardigans that hang in her pristine closets. Harumph, coaches!

Back in the audience, New Directions is floored once again when the School for the Deaf perform “Don’t Stop Believing.” Now that is just tacky, folks, Journey is clearly the domain of our Gleeks, how dare they! Brittany waves to one of the kids and Artie calmly pushes her hand back into her lap. Ha. Rachel gets to the aisle and says, “GREEN ROOM. Now.”

Kurt, in a skull cap that’s not on his skull and a blue jacket that maybe looks better when he stands [DRINK] accuses Brittany and Santana of spying on them for Sue, and Quinn confirms that it’s why the three of them originally joined. Brittany just didn’t know what she was doing, and Santana admits that she actually loves being in Glee now. It’s the best part of her day, and if any of them ever says that outside this room, she will cut them with her knife and go all Lima Heights on their asses.

Now that that’s all figured out, what are they going to do about it? Artie offers some of his Def Poetry Jams, and Rachel asks Mercedes if she’s got another solo ready to go. Shockingly she says no and that Rachel needs to take it, because she’s the best singer in Glee. Kurt says, “It hurts me to admit it, but she’s right.”

Quinn suggests they close with “Somebody To Love” and I agree because their version is boss. Puck is just pissed thinking they’re going to lose.

And then Finn shows up. He becomes the leader he was born to be, you guys, he stands there and tells them that he agrees with everything they’ve already said. Wait, no, he also has a song suggestion, but we’ll have to find out what it is. Puck offers him his hand, “Cool, dude?” Finn gives him a sour expression and replies, “No.” Finn totally ignores Quinn and goes straight to Rachel, officially as Co-Captain.

And let’s start the show! Emma gets Will on the phone so he can hear. Rachel comes from a curtain behind the audience and starts belting out “Don’t Rain On My Parade.” I want to hear Lea Michele sing “Superman,” which is my ALL TIME FAVE Barbra song. I totally grew up listening to her, my mother was a massive fan, and the Evergreen album was practically worn out in my house.

Sorry, off track. Rachel’s voice is as clear as a bell, everyone is riveted by her performance (including Will on the other end of the phone) and when it’s the big finish, the rest of the Gleeks march down the aisles to join her on stage. I mean, good hell, Lea can sing. She gets a standing ovation.

The second number is “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” and it’s now Finn’s anthem. He leads and he has a nice rough tone – I like it when he pulls out the rocker qualities in his voice. Rachel is, of course, the other lead with the gang in the back pulling out lines to be showcased every now and then. The audience rocks out with them, and Emma holds the phone up so Will can be proud of his kids. He is and gets all choked up.

Mercedes belts out the ending, so DRINK! We don’t get to hear song number three, there’s a jump cut straight to the judges chambers.

It’s Mrs. Steve Newlin! Or “Candy,” whoops, I’m mixing up my guilty pleasures shows. She was Miss Ohio 2006 and like, isn’t this a singing competition? Because those deaf kids were not singing? They were all honking and shouting and everyone was crying and she was like, get off the stage you’re terrible, and it made her feel, like, all uncomfortable and stuff? Gross.

Rod Rennington (who likes scotchy, scotch, scotch. There it goes down, down into his belly) thought the deaf kids would be a perfect closer to a nightly news broadcast, they made him reach for his handkerchief. But those Jane Addams girls had it going on. They made his tiger tattoo purr, if you catch his meaning.

The third judge, Donna Landries, has no idea what in hell she’s doing there. She was tricked by her boss, who had NASCAR tickets. What the hell is a Show Choir? Those Jane Addams girls are nothing but Hootchie Hos, and if she had to pick a group she hated the least…

The camera cuts to the kids in the hallway, trying to eavesdrop on the conversation. The coach from Jane Addams comes through, wanting to confess to the judges that her girls should be disqualified for cheating. But the judges exit just then, they don’t want to talk to anyone as they’ve made their final decision.

Back in Lima, Will is at home getting dressed for Emma and Ken’s wedding, and Terri comes home unannounced. She tells him that she’s seeing a therapist, but he doesn’t care anymore. He’s not interested in her romantically. The love was officially killed when her whole “I’m a lying liar from Screw You Over Town” thing happened, and he wishes her well, but they’re pretty much done.

He heads to the wedding hall, and it’s all decorated with crepe paper and a hockey player ice sculpture, but he’s the only one there. Oh, and Emma is there. Ken is at home, she guesses. She’s been jilted. One too many “I don’t love you, I won’t love you, and I’m going to never love you because I have the hots for someone else” really did their marriage in, it seems. Huh.

She admits to settling for Ken (what? YOU? No!) and she is going to resign. There’s no way she can go back to school day in and day out. Every time she sees Ken, she’ll feel ashamed (aw, Emma’s good deep down) and she can’t look at Will, because her heart is broken with love she can’t ever express. Or can she?

“I just left my wife.”

And he throws her on the linen covered table, cheap crystal goes flying, buttermints get stuck in their hair, and they kiss with wild abandon, their passions fueled by the romantic setting. Somewhere, Hall and Oates begins to play on the sound system. Emma thinks to herself how luck it is that she’s wearing long gloves because Will really does wear a lot of product in his hair while Will just tries to think of a way to get the fourteen layers of petticoats off his lady love.

Wait, none of that last stuff happened, she tells Will that she’s sorry, but she has to leave. He just left his wife, and she can’t be a rebound, not with him. He sits in shock, his dimple winking in the setting sun. But… he just left his wife! (Sorry, Will, Emma’s a grown up.)

Um, weren’t the kids doing something important before we focused on their teacher? Eh, it’ll come to me. First, we see Figgins yelling at Sue about her leaking the set lists to the other schools. It’s disgraceful. She claims there’s no proof, even though the set lists were printed on Cheerios letterhead and signed personally by her. Pfft, circumstantial.

Figgins drops the boom. As of that moment, she is no longer the coach of the Cheerios. He will no longer tolerate her shenanigans just because she continues to win. She has embarrassed the school and thus she’s out. She leaves (don’t trust that quiet exit, folks) and Figgins reinstates Will as the coach of Glee.

Sue confronts Will out in the hallway. She’s going to head down to her place in Boca, brown up, and then come back, rejuvenated, hell bent on his destruction. As she leaves, she shoves a Cheerio out of her way [DRINK] and further down the hallway shoves another kid into the lockers. [DRINK.]

The kids show Will their ginormous trophy (for Sectionals? Come on, that’s the first level! Regionals will be the size of a hallway.) and it seems the vote was unanimous: they were the least sucky of all three. Ha. Now they’re going to have to really pour it on for Regionals. But first, Rachel tells Mr. Schue that they want to perform their third number for him, since he didn’t get to see it.

They bust out “My Life Would Suck Without You” by Kelly Clarkson, and Kurt bounces like a crazed person in the beginning. Honey baby, stop doing everything double time. There is nothing in the world wrong with 4/4, okay? And you only go down on the down beat. Please. Get this lesson, Kurt. Everything can’t be an X fueled rager, m’kay?

There’s a montage of Emma loading her things as they kids sing and Will – inspired by their song – runs in slow motion towards her office, but she’s gone! The girls, while singing, do this weird squat inner-thigh slap thing and it’s really awkward [DRINK] and I want them to stop it immediately. Will turns from Emma’s office and sees her at the end of the hallway. He runs to her, kisses her passionately, and the song (and show) ends.

This was the “fall finale” while they went on hiatus until Spring, so it makes for a decent cliffhanger.

Drink to a first half of the season that got stronger as it went!


Drunken Thoughts: The show grew by leaps and bounds from the first few episodes, and when it focuses on the kids singing, it’s at its best. They finally got over the need to have the outlandish soap opera story lines. If you make compelling characters, we don’t need all of the smoke and mirrors, writers, honest.

Also, the last of the crazy pregnancy lies was wrapped up, and again, it was done well. (Mostly because it was done, but I’ve not been shy about how I felt.) I am so glad that there wasn’t an instant “We’re cool, dudebro” between Puck and Finn, because it had only been, like, 24 hours and Puck hit it before he did and he really had feelings for Quinn and the baby. Low blow.

And while I was glad that Emma didn’t instantly throw herself into Will’s arms at the place of her non-wedding (I mean, how tacky would that have been? You save that shit for the honeymoon you take yourself on, am I right, ladies? Don’t give the ring back. I AM JOKING.) I do think it would have been silly to not put these two together eventually.

But honestly, I want the focus to remain on the kids. A little of the adults is okay, but how the kids deal with the pressures of their lives is where the lessons should come. Also, I’m going to need more shirtless Puckerman. Oh! And Brittany is finally getting her due!

OK, sugar boogers, we’ll pick up tomorrow with “Hell-O” and see what the characters got up to over the hiatus.

(Episode 1.14, Hell-o is right this way!)