Glee! 1.14 Hell-O

Waaaaaaaay too much woman for you, Mr. Schue. Way too much. <3 Idina Menzel!

Oh, the greatness that is Idina Menzel. Get ready for a much better story line than the baby daddy bidness, and I’m zipping my lip for those that might be watching for the first time. In honor of Idina, today’s cocktail is the: Elphaba-tini.


Our free space is to drink every time Finn is cocky or full of himself.


The Gleeks are on a high after their win at Sectionals. Surely the whole school has heard about their utter triumph in being the least irritating performance of the competition, and the students will all fall at the Gleeks feet and worship their talents, right? Rachel is sure that they’ll now rule the school. She’s promptly slushied.

Figgins tells Will that while the Sectionals win was nice, he needs to win Regionals to justify keeping the club around. Uh, Dubya tea eff, Figgins? Well, the Cheerios need to workout in the auditorium, and that whole “Sue is barred from competition” thing? Err, she’s back. Figgins has reinstated her.

Flashback to Sue slipping Figgins a roofie and staging things so it looks like they did the horizontal dance of boning. She is back in or she’ll tell the world of their sexual congress.

Finn is now playing basketball, but he’s not into the game. He can’t stop thinking about his life and just focus. He’s kinda depressed. He’s sorta dating Rachel now, she made them his and hers dating calendars with their faces superimposed on some kitties, and she pretty much runs his life now. But he can’t stop thinking of Quinn. He really loved her.

Quinn is with Puck, who tells her to quit super-sizing because he’s not into fat chicks. “I’m pregnant, Puck.” “And that’s my fault?”

Sue grabs a kid in the hallway and cuts off his ponytail. No longer will she have to guess his orientation. And DRINK. She’s going to donate the ponytail to Katrina. So they can use it to plug up any holes in their trailers. Will catches up to her and asks if they can just bury the hatchet. “Maybe in your groin.” She was humiliated by him, and that will not stand.

In the music room, Will asks the kids how they answer the phone.

Artie: “Who this be?”

Kurt: “No, she’s dead, this is her son.” Ahaha. Oh, poor Kurt.

See, gang, the New Directions is going to need a new hello to wow everyone at Regionals. Their homework assignment is to pick from the handful of songs with “Hello” in the title and make it work. Uh… that should turn out to be repetitive because there aren’t a lot.

Will and Emma sit in her office smiling at each other, because they’re super happy to be free to be awkward and flirty with each one another. Her OCD kicks in when he tries to surprise kiss her. She hasn’t re-re-re-brushed her teeth, Will! He thinks it’s adorable. (For now.) They’ll have a date! His place, he’ll cook. She didn’t even know he could cook!

“There are so many things you don’t know about me, and I can’t wait to introduce them all to you.” Wow, dude, that’s pretty intense.

And I wonder what those things could be?

  • his ginormous Hello Kitty collection in the craft room
  • a penchant for lacy underwear
  • a breakfast of nothing but an entire jar of peanut butter, eaten off the tip of a cheese wedge. (The cheese is then discarded, having served its purpose)
  • his need to travel to every retirement home and perform early ’90s rap to make sure he’s ‘keeping it fresh’
  • nipple clamps
  • his closet of male porn
  • webbed toes
  • his eighty-seven spirals of Thundercats slash-fic

Brittany and Santana are in Sue’s office being berated for the Sectionals win. Brittany quietly cries, “We were seduced by the glitz ad the glamor of showbiz.” [DRINK]

Well, missy, Sue Sylvester is looking for a new head cheerleader, and that person needs to be vindictive and willing to go the extra mile. And here’s a thought, they should go after Finn, which will make Rachel crazy, which will destroy Glee Club from within. It’s just crazy enough to work!

Finn and Will are bro-chatting on stage, being total heterosexual dudes, talking about their crazy exes. Will tells Finn he’s a whole new person! More experienced! He should release his inner rock star! Maybe take off that shirt, it looks uncomfortable! (Wow, creeper, you’re coming off like you want to bone him, what’s next, side paneled van and a missing puppy?) Finn should sing about how he feels, that always works!

Finn says, “I’ll do ‘Hello, I Love You’ by the Doors!” And then he does. There’s a montage (of course) as he sings of still being hot for Quinn and her beautiful bouncy hair, he gets his mojo back and totally slam dunks, er, tosses up a lay-up (the white man slam dunk) as the other Cheerios give him the come hither eye.

Then he’s in class for the last bit, rocking it out, and Kurt is about to explode in his pants from want. When finished, Rachel races over to Mr. Schue to talk about her plans and Brittany and Santana move in for the kill.

Brittany: “You’re a really good dancer.”

Finn: “Thanks, um, my feet weren’t really moving?”

Brittany: “That was the best part.” [DRINK.]

They ask him out. No, like, they asked him out. Him and them. He almost passes out and then quickly agrees that it could be cool, sure, whatever.

He and Rachel walk out of class together and she apologizes for being such a difficult girlfriend, what with her being ugly, a pain in the ass, and not popular (way to sell yourself, sister!) and that she will always be honest with him. And she wants him to always be honest with her. Famous last words, sugar.

Well, if he’s being honest, he really doesn’t want to be her boyfriend. Wooooooow. Ouchie. He thinks she’s awesome and all that, but he just wants to be by himself (get some) and see who he really is (a guy that gets a lot of tail.) Really have some “me” time (bang all the girls ever.) [DRINK] Rachel is totally hurt and calls him out on his bullshit. She cries [DRINK] and leaves.

In class, Kurt is wearing two different plaids. Excuse me? [DRINK.] Finn sits with Brit and Santana, totally flirting. Rachel gives them the stink eye and then volunteers a performance. She belts out, “Gives You Hell,” by the All-American Rejects and while she does a decent job with a mediocre song (pointedly singing it to Finn) Mr. Schuester points out that the assignment was for a song titled Hello. “Oh, I just focused on the first syllable, I guess.”

Well that is not going to cut it, kids, because Vocal Adrenaline isn’t going to make mistakes like that, and if you want to win at Regionals, you’re going to have to step it up. Because no win at Regionals, no Glee Club. BUM BUM BUUUUM!

Rachel is now in a library, I guess? I think it’s a public library because there are random adults checking out books. There’s miraculously a pile of sheet music in excellent condition on a counter. As she flips through it a handsome and debonair stranger approaches. It’s Jesse St. James, the lead vocalist for her number one competition choir, Vocal Adrenaline! He butters her up with compliments wrapped around criticisms and leads her to the piano.

In the library.

They just happen to have a 5 foot baby grand piano. In the library. Alrighty. They take Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello” out for a spin. His voice is good, it has a tendency to take on a nasal quality, though. Rachel comes in on the harmony and the romantic words of the song open her heart to him. (Hopefully it’s the words of the song, and not the creepy video where Lionel stalks a blind student who basically has to make a sculpture out of poop to tell him YOU ARE POOP TO ME LEAVE ME ALONE, MR ADULT CONTEMPORARY. Dance on someone else’s ceiling!)

Oh, and the camera pans over to a cellist, violinist and a chick on a bass drum that are playing along. Because we are in crackville, population: us. Rachel is falling for this slick fella big time. He’s got a gorgeous smile, he’s super intense, and that’s all a girl like that needs. He asks her out and she’s totally flattered.

At Breadstix, one of two eateries in Lima, Brittany and Santana sit side by side dishing the latest gossip. They go into who’s hot and who’s not, and they decide that Finn is cute, but he needs to dump that loser Rachel to be hot. The camera pulls back a bit and Finn says, “I’m sitting right here!”

Here’s the deal, they tell him. He pays for dinner, and then he can watch the two of them make out. Sounds like a deal to me! Santana cuts Rachel down for dressing the way she does. Brittany says that her sweaters make her look home-schooled. [DRINK] Finn tells them to stop making fun of Rachel, she’s kind of cool.

Brittany chastises him, “Finn, that’s mean.” [DRINK]

He’s not okay with any of this and says he’s going to wait in the car. Well, leave your wallet, dude. Brittany then tells Santana that “dolphins are just gay sharks.” [DRINK] Second most favorite Brittany line ever. (You’ll have to wait for S2 for my favorite.)

But that’s not the worst date of the episode, no that would be the one taking place in Will’s apartment. He and Emma are slow dancing while all of Will’s Yankee Candles emit their delicious “Cookie Dough” flavor (Terri would never let him buy them, now he can do what he wants! Because he’s a MAN.)

The song “Hello, Again” from The Jazz Singer is playing, and then Will starts singing to her. Crooning softly. Ugh, it’s so awkward and uncomfortable. Then he starts explaining what one of the most popular songs of all time means, because she can’t get what it means. Hello…. again? Huh?

They start making out and as it starts to progress, Emma backs it off and confesses that she’s never been with a man before. Like finger through finger circle together. Will is totally grossed out by her being a virgin but plays it off as being cool with it. Hey, we all gotta start somewhere, right? But Will’s been denied hanky panky for months, now, and he’s got a nut to bust. They’ll just watch Bad Boys and when she leaves, he’ll have a personal talk with the bald bishop.

Rachel puts a new kitty-love relationship calender in her locker, kisses the picture of Jesse St. James she’s hung in Finn’s former spot, and closes the door, only to find Finn standing there. He’s really sorry about that whole, “You drive me crazy, you’re narcissistic, and not really cool thing. Now I totally will date you because being with you is better than being alone.” [DRINK.]

As if! Rachel regrets to inform him that his… chivalrous asking of her hand in dating is too little, too late, for she is already head over heels in love with a boy she met just yesterday, one Jesse St. James.

Finn’s all, “Uh, as in Vocal Adrenaline’s lead singer?” And Rachel goes, “Sheeyah – exactly. And he’s a much better singer than you, so….” To which Finn replies, “You are really dumb, and coming from me? That’s saying something.” And her face splits open and the fires of hell spill forth and a demon shrieks “HE LOVES ME FOR WHO I AAAAAAAAAM!”

“Whoa, dude.” Finn tells Mr Schue that Rachel is a) totally PMSing and 2) dating the enemy.

Santana and Brittany are in Sue’s office doing punishment sit-ups. Sue berates them for being the two stupidest teenagers ever, and that’s saying something. She once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin. They tell her about Rachel dating Jesse, and Sue is filled with delight. And venom. And triumph.

Cut to Carmel High, home of the winningest show choir in Ohio, Vocal Adrenaline. They have crazy production value and Jesse screeches out “Highway to Hell” and if you want to showcase someone’s vocals, you do NOT pick AC/DC. I mean… Bon Scott is not know for his vocal chops, but for his uniquely bizarre vocal chops. Judas Priest, now there’s a rock band to show off your vocal skills. I digress.

Mr. Schuester continues his Ultimate Creeper training by standing in the back of the auditorium, listening in. [DRINK.] He’s busted by their coach and it is one Idina Menzel, playing the part of Shelby Cocoran. Will tells her about Rachel and Jesse, and she shrugs it off, eh, teenagers. Wait… does Will think they’re spying on them? Yes, yes he does. Will, you can’t help who flicks your Bic.

AND THEN WE SEE MR. SCHUESTER AND SHELBY MAKING OUT. Auuuugh! No me gusta, also, what about that one in a million stuff with Emma Pillsbury? Will is a douche! [DRINK] They roll about and moan and writhe, then he stops it.

“Oh. Are you gay?”

“Uh… no!?” Will manages to get out.

“Oh. Because most of the show choir directors I make out with are gay.” There’s a story in Ryan Murphy’s life that I would like to hear, I’m just saying.

She finds out he’s not even divorced yet, already trying to be Emma’s boyfriend (which he’s failing at) and making out with her. When he gets his shit together, he can give her a call. She sashays out, giving him a good look at what he’s going to miss.

Rachel enters the music room and KAMT (Kurt, Artie, Mercedes and Tina) are there. They know all about Jesse St. James, and they are not okay with it. Rachel needs to break up with him. They think it’s a set up. Rachel insists their love is real, but Kurt shuts it down, “He’s playing you.”

And if I may. Kurt is wearing what I thought was just a horrible scarf, but turns out to be a turtleneck– as in just the neck – with flaps. And the flaps wrap around his neck and lay on his shoulders like epaulets. No, sir! NO. [DRINK]


Shame on you, Michael Kors.


They threaten Rachel with kicking her out. Either that, or they’ll all quit. Whoa, they mean it.

Sue invites Rachel to a meeting of the Old Maids Club, filled with sad sacks and chicks with mustaches. Zises is there, and she says how she makes out with her cat on the weekend. (I just… how they push her into the group in S2 is so forced and bizarre, given how they set her up here.) The bottom line: Rachel should go for love, otherwise she’ll end up like the rest of those losers. Minus Sue.

Emma has let herself into Will’s apartment to cook him dinner and set the table The door opens, but it’s Terri! She is clearly upset at being replaced and tries to get in some barbs, but Emma is too much of a grownup for that stuff. She ignores the ugliness until Terri notices a copy of The Jazz Singer lying out. Turns out that special song that Will said was for he and Emma? That was Terri’s song with Will, back in high school. Emma looks with her special eyes and sees that it’s true. Terri flicks the silverware out of alignment on the way out.

Rachel shows up after a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal and talks with Jesse at center stage. She asks him to tell her the truth: is he really into her for being her, or does he have some ulterior motive? Oh, silly boots! Of course Jesse is totally into you for being you! Those unicorn sweaters and knee socks and overly dramatizing of everything is what every man looks for in his lady love!

They kiss, and Shelby, the coach, is off in the wings watching. And Jesse opens his eyes while kissing Rachel and shares an intense look with his teacher and WHAT IS HAPPENING. Do the directors even know that they just implied that Jesse and his teacher are banging kinda? Rachel breaks the kiss and smiles, telling him that no one can know. Oh, he’s totally good with that. (More on Jesse in drunken thoughts. Speaking of, DRINK for other naughty teacher behavior.)

Emma confronts Will at work. She shows him his old yearbook and shows him how “their” song was really his old song with Terri, and ultimately she thinks he needs to be by himself instead of jumping from one thing to another. And he very quickly agrees. Like, too quickly, am I right? Not that I disagree with her, but damn, dude, let her finish her sentence before you’re all “Yes, I need to bang other doors, I mean, I need to sleep with – er, rather, I should see other women. I mean, GAH! Be by myself. And have other ladies there with me.” She’s sad, asks him to leave, and cries once he’s gone. Oh, Miss Pillsbury!

Rachel finds Finn at school and tells him that she ended things with Jesse, so get the word out to the rest of the Glee Club. Finn tells her that the only problem he really had (not being smart enough for a scholarship, being on a shitty football team, having a bitch of a girlfriend pregnant by his jerk of a best friend? No?) was the problem with his relationship with Rachel.

Uh…okay. So he’s ready for them to go out again (because that’s how it works.) She’s a little taken aback by this, but not for the same reasons as me, and tells him that she can’t be a couple with him. There can be no relationship drama with Glee before Regionals, she’s going to be all professional from this point on, thanks, though.

Finn smiles at her and says, “Yeah, I don’t give up that easy. See you in rehearsal.” If he wasn’t so sweet-faced and incapable of deception, my stalker alert would be at Klaxon levels now. And DRINK.

Everyone is in nice costumes (where did those come from?) and sings “Hello, Goodbye” by the Beatles. The words hit a little too close to home for Emma, secretly watching from the stands, Will, sitting at the director’s table and thinking of Emma, and for Rachel, who maybe still does have feelings for Finn after all? The song ends with Rachel in Finn’s arms (unplanned.) She freaks a little and runs off stage.


Drunken Thoughts: So this episode felt like too much was crammed into it, right? All of a sudden Rachel and Finn are together, but we don’t know how that happened. And time has evidently passed, but… eh. And in 44 minutes a relationship we’ve waited all season for (Will/Emma) is done apart in a pretty bad way. Will’s a “player” now? I don’t know, it just didn’t all work for me. Stretch it out, you don’t have to put everything in one episode.

But the main thing I wanted to address was the big ol’ controversy that started with the introduction of Jonathan Groff as Jesse St. James. Jonathan is gay in real life, out and proud, and a columnist pooh poohed the whole idea of a gay dude playing straight. Uh, hello, it’s called a huge portion of Hollywood, dingbat. As Robert Downey Jr. once said, everyone in Hollywood is a little gay.

Also, it made me love Kristen Chenoweth more when she came to his defense. Now I had no idea he was gay when I first saw this air, and I have decent gaydar. (I did musical theater for years, hello.) But his chemistry with Lea Michele was pretty obvious to me, and then the whole eye-fucking scene with Idina Menzel? Damn. Boy has chemistry with everyone, it seems. I love how over the top narcissistic his character is, as well. He is delightful, and I approve of him.

Too many feeeeeeelings! But next week starts with the MADONNA EPISODE. Sweet. Have a great weekend, folks, see you Wednesday!

(The Power of Madonna, episode 15 is right this way!)