True Blood 4.3 – “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?”

Please accept my sincere apologies for the lateness of this update due to illness and environmental factors. How’s that for vague?

Eric remains shirtless and clueless while Sookie is be-shirted and trying to call him on the clue phone. Sookie reminds Eric that he knows why she smells as she does, especially as he’s always the one going on about it. Eric bullet points that she’s redolent of wheat, honey and sunlight (apparently she’s a Honey-of-an-O) and then vamps a “What are you?” as Sookie peals out. Eric stands lonely in the strada, but when Sookie looks back, he’s gone. Before she can even eye-roll about drama-queen vampires and their dramatic exits, however, Eric whooshes through her car window. She freaks,  I ‘Eek!’ and this show still wants to do bad things with you.

Sookie tries to make a run for it, but Eric’s too fast (see above re: whooshing). She pops him in the nose and informs him that fairy is not on the menu. Eric whinges that Sookie broke his nose and she tells him to get over it: he’s a vampire. Eric says, “I know I’m a vampire, Snookie!” He is confused; Sookie’s about four shades of spray tan away from a Snookie. Eric tells her that he knows what he is, just not who he is. He goes full-on woobie-Eric (and I swear he’s trying for the manga-eyes) and natters about home and the sea, Scandinaviates for a while and then realizes that Marnie’s “cold, empty eyes” took everything from him, but he doesn’t remember Marnie, only something vague about witches. Sookie takes his vampnesia at face value and agrees to help him, with the proviso that she is not to be touched or bitten in any way. Wow, walking next to Sookie, Eric looks taller and more shirtless than usual.

Back at Wicca Camp, Jesus checks Marnie’s vitals. Everyone is super cheesed off at Eric for breaking up what would have no doubt been a bang-up “Make Your Own Zombie!” day. Even sweet Jesus is looking for some payback for the way Eric tortured Lafayette in Season Two (but he totally shared blood and said sorry!). Lafayette advises them to just forget the whole thing because Eric isn’t just any vamp, he’s Eric Fucking Northman, and Death once had a near-Eric Northman experience. Marnie, despite the puncture holes in her neck, is mostly upset that Eric broke up a religious service and wants to keep them from practicing their religion. Witchling #1: “What does he think this is, Nazi Germany?” Witchling #2 “He did look kind of Aryan.” Silly, silly witchlings: vampires are monarchists, werewolves are Nazis.

Jason is still tied to the bed in Hot Shot and just ate up with the werepanther bites. Around the trash barrel fire outside, Old Uncle-Daddy tells the younguns where werepanthers come from (when a Ghost-Mama and a Ghost-Daddy love each other very much…). Timbo is goin’ to town on some roadkill and Crystal tells the fam that by the next full moon, Jason should be a werepanther, too.

And if incestuous bestiality weren’t freaky enough, we’ve now switched to a “Ghost Hunters” format where a couple of Fearless Vampire Killers run haphazardly with night-vision cameras to find a Dracula-wannabe chowing down on a lady in an alley. The vamp hisses and spits, but the Vamp Killers (or Vamp Hecklers, at this point) inform him that they have silver spray and wooden bullets. Rather than giving them a rousing chorus of “Silver Spray and Wooden Bullets cannot stake this heart of mine!” the vamp in question whooshes off. The Vamp Taunters, along with the not-so-innocent-victim, face their camera to ask their audience of no-doubt dozens to share the vid on Facebook and visit dubya dubya dubya dot vamps-hyphen-kill dot com. Bookmark it now.

Our new vamp friend gets called on the carpet in Bill’s study, pleading entrapment after Bill plays the vid for him (huh, guess Bill does have a Facebook now that he’s king). Bill reminds Dracula-Lite that it’s expressly forbidden by the Authority to be filmed feeding on a human (feeding on humans is apparently still okay, you just don’t want to end up on TMZ). In a show of swift justice, Bill sentences the vamp to the true death. The vamp demands to appeal to the Authority, and Bill draws on every bit of his antebellum majesty to snipe, “I am the Authority, you idiot.”

Outside Bill’s office, Jessica greets him with an impish, “My liege.” Genuine emotion appears on Bill’s face for once this season, and he and Jessica embrace. She’s come to borrow Advil, but Bill knows it’s nothing that prosaic. She confesses her fangbanger adventures, and Bill warns her she can’t get caught on film feeding, or even he can’t protect her. Yeah, well, Bill, not every vamp has their own personal Graceland in which to nibble on the help. Bill advises her that she has to tell Hoyt, as he’d be hurt if he found out from someone else. Jess continues to pout adorably, and Bill tells her to ‘vamp up.’ They silently commiserate over the state of their undead love lives with a familial snuggle on the couch. Aww.

Back at Sookie’s, after passive aggressively inviting a Woobie!Eric into the home he already owns, Sookie calls Pam. Pam is deep-throating some fangbanger jugular in the Fangtasia office, and he’s a bit over enthusiastic, shall we say. When Pam hears that Sookie is in possession of Tabula Rasa!Eric, she wooshes out before the phone or the ’banger can drop. Pam wooshes in to find Sookie going all Mary Magadalene on Eric’s feet. Pam seems to know exactly what’s wrong with Eric and says that Sookie has to be the one to hide him, since Pam would be the first person the witches would come looking for. While Sookie bitch-faces a “Witches, waah?” Pam informs Eric that this is his house. Eric is pleased with the décor and built-in fairy. Sookie informs Pam that she’ll go to Bill. Pam says she’ll rip Sookie to pieces first, so Eric flings Pam across the room. Dusting herself off, Pam flashes a patient, if annoyed, look at her clueless maker and says that she believes Bill set Eric up by sending him to the coven. She thinks he wants to use Eric’s current state as a way to convince the AVL to sign off on Eric’s assignation. Eric and his massive torso of angst agree to stay with Sookie. Sookie tells Pam she’ll babysit Eric, but she expects to be paid. (It’s up to $10 an hour in the south, Sook, good call!)

Hoyt sits at home, brooding over anti-vamp news coverage. Jessica arrives home, and Hoyt tells her he’s been freaked out over her long absence, but not as freaked out as he is that this scary-ass baby doll keeps popping up in their bed despite his and Jessica’s attempts to get rid of it. The doll looks like the ones Kurt Cobain used to coat in clay and bake in his oven, but if you haven’t watched a lot of Nirvana rockumentaries, I have no better descriptor for you than “scary-ass baby doll.”

Jessica confesses to Hoyt that she went to Fangstasia and fed on a fangbanger just because she wanted some strange. Hoyt asks if she had sex with the ‘banger, since all of their neck lovin’ leads to sex, but Jessica swears it was above the neckline only. Hoyt doesn’t want to some other dude’s fluids on Jessica’s lips, and he loses his good ole boy demeanor when Jessica insinuates that he looks at other women, since, as he shouts, other women don’t even exist for him. Jessica loses her drive for coming clean and glamours a now gormless Hoyt that it never happened and that, even if it had, she’ll never do it again because he’s too important to her. Hoyt gives her a dopey smile that’s almost as scary-ass as the baby doll and tells Jessica that he’s the luckiest man in the world. Jessica buries her face in his neck and cries.

Sookie climbs down into Eric’s swanky vampire panic room and turns to Eric, who now wears a purple sleeveless hoodie, d’aw!  Eric asks if, since Sookie lives in his house, this means she’s his. She gives that a world of no but then hesitates when he asks if she belongs to another before going negatory on that, too. Eric asks if she would like to be his, and she barely has the patience to answer that with her zillionith, “pfft.”

Lafayette entertains Tara and Jesus on his fairy-lit (er, the regular kind, not the Sookie kind) patio and tells them that they should go to Fangtasia and throw themselves on Eric’s mercy. When Tara’s not a fan of that, Lafayette tells her to get out of town and leave all the pain that Bon Temps has dumped on her behind. Tara says she’s not leaving while Lafayette’s in trouble. Jesus watches Tara neatly evade all of Lafayette’s sass and says that he could learn a lot from Tara, which causes Lafayette to get super adorable with telling Jesus he’s perfect as he is. Aw. Lafayette goes to bed, and Tara gets serious with Jesus about not letting Lafayette go to Fangtasia. Jesus isn’t bothered and is sure he can convince Lafayette with no problem. So, all that learning from Tara stuff was just table talk, then.

Jason wriggles on his stinky bed of woe, his cell phone twittering madly on his butt and out of reach. It’s Andy calling to remind Jason that he has a civic duty to uphold and can’t just go skiving off whenever he pleases. Andy is tweaking like Whitney Houston at the Grammy’s. He asks for Jason’s help but then sucks some V again as soon as he hangs up. Sam pops up at Andy’s squad car, since he’s parked at Merlotte’s and all, and Andy goes off on Sam, nitpicking the landscaping around Merlotte’s. Sam tries to calm him down, but Andy tells him he’s not going to take lip from Sam just because he’s seen Sam turn into critters. Sam asks if Andy’s been drinking, and Andy throws a punch. Sam’s scrappy, though, and clocks Andy, causing Andy to pull out his gun and a shaky gun hand. Andy tells Sam he better get a damn tree service about his unsightly limbs and then peels out.

It’s Alcide! And he’s wearing a shirt! He and Sookie do an awkward “do we hug since we almost kissed once?” shuffle and then embrace. They exchange pleasantries about Alcide’s move to Shreveport, and then Sookie cuts to the chase and asks Alcide if he’ll take care of Eric, who is sick and needs a place to stay. Before Alcide can answer, his now-not-so-much-ex, Werewolf!Debbie, comes in. Debbie apologizes for trying to kill Sookie and says she’s clean and sober with the program, Jesus and Alcide on her side. She wants to try to win back Sookie’s trust (um, when did she HAVE Sookie’s trust?) Most awkward hug ever. Debbie sets down her chip’n’dip tray and offers Sookie Vienna sausages, squash pickles or crawfish dip. OMG, the holy trinity of southern hors d’oeuvres! If she’d thrown in mini fried baloney sandwiches with Miracle Whip, I’d have let her move in, too.  Alcide says that he could put Eric in one of his empty houses, but Sookie says that it wasn’t a good idea to begin with (especially if Alcide has any more wolfed out crazy-exes in those houses). Alcide smolders a pensive!face that Eric is staying at Sookie’s.

Maxine and Tommy are sittin’ up to the supper table and watching QVC. Maxine is teaching Tommy to read by sounding out Marie Osmond doll collection names, which is the most painfully adorable thing ever. Maxine asks Tommy to get the door because she has to CALL NOW as supplies are going fast, and it’s a city slicker wanting to buy Maxine’s natural gas lease rights for what could be a substantial amount of money. Tommy’s eyes flash dollar signs, and as “Max Fortenberry” he hardballs the negotiations and says he’ll be in touch. Tommy tells Maxine it was a Jehovah’s Witness. Maxine doesn’t ask if they left a copy of The Watchtower. She really should have.

A feverish, chewed up Jason is still wallowing on the bed when Crystal comes in with rag curlers in her hair like that chick from Hee-Haw (too specific a reference? Okay).  Jason tells her he’s dying, but Crystal shows that, crazy aside, she knows what makes Jason tick when she tells him that his purpose in life is to save the werepanthers from extinction. Jason, despite searching for his special purpose like he’s Steve Martin in The Jerk, really doesn’t give a damn at this point. Crystal continues to psycho-hillbilly monologue that the werepanther breeding isn’t going so well and that Jason’s going to be their new Ghost Daddy. To wit, she doses him with some Tijuana bathtub Viagra.

Tara and Sookie meet up at Merlotte’s and Tara asks Sookie to ask Eric to forgive Lafayette. Check yes or no and then pass the note back during Study Hall. Tara tells Sookie about the Wicca circle and Sookie wants to know what kind of spell it was. Tara is pretty much at the “freaky witch spell, do we really need to know more?” point, so Sookie assures Tara that she doesn’t think Eric will be bothering Lafayette. She tells Tara that Pam told her that Eric told Pam that he’d gone missing. And thus the longest game of Gossip ends.

Sam comes to see Tara and asks Tara where she’s been for the last, oh, year or so. He offers her an afternoon shot of tequila and a hello stranger, because he’s got southern charm like that. Sam is afraid that she quit town because he told her he was a shifter. Sam, Sam, again – the things women do around you are never really about you. Except this time it kind of is – Tara said she took his advice to start a brand new life. Sam shrugs and gives her “The life we’ve got is the life we’ve got.” Wow, you shoot your brother once and suddenly you’re Nietzsche. Tara tells him that she’s doing really okay in N’Awlins, just in town for a few days. He offers to let her stay with him and they share a significant look, but she’s seeing somebody. Sam quickly offers that he is, too, and Tara smirks at him and tells him to stop flirting with her ass, then. Snerk. I like cage-fighting, girl-kissing, non-pity-fucking Tara. Jesus comes out of Merlotte’s and says that Lafayette isn’t in the kitchen, and he and Tara take turns yelling motherfucker as they haul ass for Shreveport.

Bill is in a romantic restaurant leaving impatient messages on Eric’s voicemail, and to both me and the over solicitous waiter,  it looks as if Eric stood him up for their regular Friday night. Bill ends with, “This is a command from your king!” So their kinky regular Friday night, then. But oh-ho! The slinky Portia Bellefleur takes a seat across from Bill and eye flutters that they have a great business friendship that is friendly and businesslike. Bill agrees and Portia gets him in her crosshairs and gives him the hard sell on why they should date, since, around these parts, she’s the shit, and he seems to be the Head Shit in Charge. She proposes that they add sex to their dealings, and if it doesn’t work out, they’re both grown-ups. Bill dispassionately tells her the he will never love her, since one needs a young heart to take the leap of love and his heart, along with the rest of him (except those pistoning hips) are no longer young. (Plus that whole B story of him being in love with Sookie.) Portia accepts his terms and the waiter can’t be quick enough for Bill’s “Check, please.” A couple of cuts later and they’re seeing if Bill’s kingly swivel chair can swivel like his hips. He fangs out and Portia offers her neck. Bill declines, because unless he’s paying for it or it’s Sookie’s Fairy Nectar, it’s just not the same.

An excited Tommy tells his new-best-brother-type-friend, Sam, that Maxine’s house might be sitting on a load of natural gas (I am sidestepping a southern food joke there so hard that I’m almost getting whiplash). Tommy tells Sam that Maxine doesn’t know, because he didn’t tell her. He wants to go in with Sam to buy Maxine’s house (I’m thinking Tommy’s going to be more of a silent partner in that financial deal). Then they’ll split the natural gas money. Sam says he’s not going to let Tommy do that, since Maxine hasn’t been anything but nice to Tommy, despite that fact that he’s merely a shorter, wormier Hoyt stand-in. Tommy gets all banty-legged with anger and tells Sam to piss right off. I guess they’re back to trusting each other a little less today.

Sookie, who’s gone from a side-ponytail to a side-braid (just the important details, folks), heads home with some TruBlood for Eric, only to find he’s escaped his cubby!

Pam kicks Lafayette’s ass back down to the basement at Fangtasia. She’s got a wicked jacket with spikes on the shoulders, but Jesus and Tara come up behind her, riding cavalry with wooden bullets. Jesus and Lafayette tell Pam they’re part of the circle that cast the spell on Eric and that they can take her to their leader (which goes really well with Pam’s outfit).  Pam gives them 24 hours to bring Marnie to her or she will “Personally eat, fuck and kill all three of you.” Oh, Pam, such things you say.

Marnie is welcoming the spirit she channeled to hex Eric and thanking it for choosing of her as its conduit. She makes shallow cuts in her wrist with a shiny dagger, bleeding into a shinier cup. She just wants to know if her gift of magic means something. She just really wants this spirit to like her, y’all. She slashes her wrist deeply and stumbles across the room. The spirit of the young woman Eric saw as he was being cursed appears in the mirror, unseen by Marnie. Creepy.

Jason’s bouncing along, getting an unsolicited ride from Crystal. (She fixed her hair for him!) Jason tells her that he wishes he’d never laid eyes on her (meth labs, incest and werepanther may not have trumped blonde and hot, but it looks like bug-shagging crazy finally has). She doesn’t care; she loves him and his Ghost Daddy man parts! The other young women of Hot Shot stand in the background, waiting their turn. Yikes. I hope that was a particularly large bathtub of Viagra.

Sookie reads at the kitchen table and sees a sudden flash of light. She goes to the lawn and sees her fairy godmother, Claudine, who is all back to sparkly pretty and not Hobbity wrinkly. Claudine wants to take Sookie back to scary fairy land with her. Sookie’s wicked fast with the hell no on that idea. Fairy Godmother says she can keep Sookie safe, and that she’s been guiding Sookie’s fairy powers as far back as the pilot. Except when they involved vampires, because Claudine is a-scared of the vampires. Too bad most of Sookie’s problems involved vampires then, isn’t? Eric whooshes out with an “Ooo, I feel like fairy tonight!” grin. He starts feeding on Claudine while Sookie ineffectually begs him to stop. Eric is unable to stop, Claudine withers, turns into a goblin and then poofs out of existence with a shower of sparks. As far as deaths-by-vampire go, it’s one of the prettier ones. “You just killed my fairy godmother!” Sookie huffs. Eric’s eyes widen and his “Sorry?” couldn’t be woobier, despite the bits of fairy clinging to his chin.


(The next episode, “I’m Alive And On Fire!” is right here!)