True Blood 4.4 – I’m Alive and On Fire

Eric lifts his blood soaked lips from draining Sookie’s godmother and she tells him they need to get down-cubby now before any vengeful fairies show up. Eric, unfortunately, goes Timber! face first to the ground. He gets up with a groan and gives Sookie a stoned “Hey” before advancing on her, asking for more fairy juice. Eric goes to bite Sookie, and she tells him he won’t be able to stop, and he’ll kill her (so just a nibble would be okay, Sook?). Sookie tells Eric she’ll tuck him in, and he giggles and chases after her, goosing her and pinching her butt. He starts a game of tag and begins whooshing about the front lawn like a blurry toddler after a serious amount of red dye. Sookie tells him that it will be dawn soon, but Eric fang-grins that he doesn’t care, and whooshes off. 

Bill goes to Fangtasia and asks Pam where Eric is. Pam, of course, has no idea, I’m sure. Bill tells her that if she lies to him, it’s treason. Pam says the she wouldn’t take the chance; all of his subjects are learning how ruthless he is (geez, you decree True Death once and suddenly you’re Idi Amin). Bill tells Pam he knows the depth of her devotion to Eric – she’d lie and die for him. He asks why she didn’t tell him when Eric went missing, and Pam tells him she didn’t want to be redundant, since she kind of figured he had sent Eric to the witches to be killed in the first place. Bill is less narked by Pam’s insubordinate tone than he is by her flagrant disregard of protocol and tells her so. Pam sniffs that Bill sure likes the feel of his crown. (Valid, but who doesn’t look good in a tiara?)

One of the werepanther girls grinds on Jason, who weakly shoves her away as soon as he reluctantly orgasms. She whines that she wasn’t done yet, but Jason finds that he’s quite done with the raping, thanks. She sobs and tells him that her brother-husband (nothing I ever write will be as what-the-hell as the actual dialogue on this show) bites her neck and holds her down until it’s over and that Jason was the best she ever had. Tears quiver on her lashes, but before Jason can even try to dredge up compassion for that, she turns around and drill sergeants, “Next!”

Becky, who looks twelve, comes in and Jason is immediately in a world of, “Oh, no way.” Forced breeding is one thing, but pedophilia is just wrong. Old Uncle-Daddy waves them along and yells, “Breed, Ghost-Daddy, breed!” Becky’s one of the kids Jason was kind to in Crystal’s absence, and he tells her that he’s sick and getting sicker. Becky tells him he has to do it, and then grabs a knife and threatens to cut off his thing if he puts up a fight (which kind of defeats the purpose, but, hey, she’s twelve).

Jason asks if she’s ever had sex before. She’s says sure, lots of times, she does have numerous uncle-daddy-brother-cousins, you know. Jason’s not buying it and Becky admits she’s lying. Jason tells her that her first time should be special, and that it should be with a boy she likes, who brings her presents and candy. (Presents and candy, Jason? Way to bring back the pedophile vibe). Becky says she doesn’t want to have sex with Jason, or at all. He asks her to free him, because he’s scared he’ll die and he doesn’t want to die somewhere that smells like cat food and ass. Becky fearfully cuts him lose, and Jason gets the jump on Uncle Daddy.

Nan Flanagan is in a fine tirade over at Bill’s. She’s trying to reestablish vampire equality after Russell’s news-hour shenanigans and Bill has had the temerity to send Eric after Wiccans? She’s in fine voice – she even drops an f-bomb or two from between those lacquered lips. Bill says that it was no ordinary patchouli candle-making Wiccans, but death magic working Wiccans! Bill gravely reminds Nan of the Spanish massacre. She eye-rolls that it was 400 years ago and involved a single witch with a vendetta against vamps, not some sort of vast Wiccan conspiracy. Bill, like the old-timer he is, warns that it could happen again. Nan says yeah, whatever, we were all shaking in our buckle-toed boots over Salem, and it just turned out to be horny, repressed Puritans.

Nan tells him they don’t make necromancers like they used to and to get a grip. Bill is still concerned, because if the Wiccans are harmless, where is Eric? (And why doesn’t he call like he promised?) Nan says that it’s not her problem if Bill can’t control his sheriffs and she can’t be bothered to take this to the Authority. Bill backpedals that he doesn’t expect anything, he’s just keeping her informed (because he follows vampire protocol, dammit!). NO DEAD HUMANS, Nan instructs him on his plans to deal with the Wiccans. Appeased, Nan then makes shop talk about the judicious executions before gliding out, reminding Bill cryptically that there are no retired kings.

Marnie lies on her bed, tossing and turning with a vision of a witch about to be burned at the stake. Not realizing that she’s in a flashback and therefore incorporeal and ineffectual, she rushes the crowd trying to stop it. As the witch, who is the same spirit in as in Eric’s vision, dies, curses and spells fall from her lips. Marnie begins to repeat the witch’s words in unison until she wakes with a start. Her eyes flash golden again with the light of the execution pyre.

Alcide shows up at Sookie’s to help find Eric. He promptly begins stripping, but slows it down as he goes to unfasten his britches…oh, right, and then he wolfs-out and takes off. Sookie chases after him with one of Gran’s handmade vampire blanket covers (not that Gran knew that).

At Merlotte’s, Maxine hits the door yelling at Sam for doing something to “her boy.” Sam plays dumb about Hoyt, and Maxine tells him she’s talking about Tommy, his own brother, whom he shot, as she pointedly reminds everyone. Maxine’s worried because Tommy didn’t come home, and he never misses Wheel of Fortune! Sam shrugs that Tommy’s a big boy, and Maxine tells Sam that there’s something wrong with him, he has no family feeling in his soul!  Wow, a family smack-down from Maxine Fortenberry – that’s gotta be harsh. Maxine tells Sam she’s a lioness and Tommy is her cub and Sam better not mess with her, or he’ll feel the claws.

At Hot Shot, Felton wakes Becky from her pallet behind the trash barrel. Felton pervs on the perceived loss of Becky’s flower, and that sex is kind of gross but it sure feels good, don’t it? “Tell Uncle-Daddy Felton all about it.” I had to shower repeatedly after typing that. Felton looks into Becky’s eyes and uses his kitty senses to suss out virginity. He takes off running and finds Luther chained up and Jason gone, which causes Felton to hulk the heck out, which is wicked funny. Crystal tells him they got Jason’s Ghost-Daddy seed and that’s all they wanted, anyway (I can’t tell if Crystal wants Jason, Felton, Timbo or just some more V – and I don’t think she knows either. Yeesh. The crazy is strong with this one). Felton says he’s gonna claw him up some Jason, but good, and he rounds up the pussycat posse and takes off.

Jesus asks Marnie if she knows a spell to reverse Eric’s memory loss. She says she’s too tired and has barely slept and attempts to wave them off. Lafayette warns her that she has no idea what kind of vampire she’s messed with. Marnie’s still stuck on the fact that Eric broke up a sacred religious service, which Tara has to point out really doesn’t matter much to vampires. Marnie says that the Goddess will protect them. Lafayette asks Jesus to brujo some sense into her. Marnie tells them to go away and leave her with the dead; they’re all so violent with their f-bombs and vampire realism! Jesus assures her that all she has to do is go to Eric and undo the spell. Marnie admits that she can’t, as it wasn’t she who cast the spell but “her,” the spirit. Jesus, Lafayette and Tara reiterate that the vamps will kill them all after a whole lot of torture and rape: we’re talking Hot Shot on a Saturday night, here, Marnie. Marnie finally gets the seriousness of the situation and says she’ll try. She prays while Lafayette and Jesus make “praise Jesus” hands.  It doesn’t work, (possibly because of the “praise Jesus” hands, spirit fingers would have been more apropos) so Marnie gets her Giles on and turns to the books. Ooo! Can Lafayette be Xander?

Sookie jogs after a wolfed-out Alcide, chattering about Eric having daywalker abilities due to the fairy blood and therefore not in immediate danger, but being drunk as a skunk and therefore liable to do something stupid. Alcide stops at a pond and a naked Eric pops up out of the water with a “Hey, Sookie!” grin. It seems that he is Aegir, God of the Sea, and Sookie is Ran, his Sea Goddess! Sookie hollers back, “There’s big gators in there, you crazy Viking!” Ahahahaha – that was worth every bad kitty moment of the Hot Shot scenes.

Eric gives the Scandinavian version of, “Here, gator, gator, gator,” and Alcide un-wolfs, naked at Sookie’s side, to better take in the hilarity. Eric vamps at the sight of a brawnier chest than his own. He threatens Alcide and Alcide’s pecs respond with a ‘bring it on’ flex. Sookie tries to the diffuse the situation and, OMG STFU, Sookie! Naked Eric/Alcide fight! What part are you not getting? The daywalker abilities start to fade, and Eric becomes even more smokin’ than usual. Sookie wraps him in the quilt and tells him to head home at vamp speed. Eric doesn’t want to leave the light, but he runs. Alcide re-wolfs, and he and Sookie follow.

Jason’s making his own mad dash through the woods. A panther growls, and I get Janet Jackson’s “Black Cat” stuck in my head for several hours. Jason, however, figures it’s incentive to grab a stick and cover his wounds in dirt.

Tommy heads back home to his find his doggie mama. Mama hugs him and tells him she missed him, and Tommy’s happier than Christmas morning at the pound. Tommy tells her that he can read now. Mama’s so proud she could pee her paper: “Remember when everybody called you stupid and I always said you wasn’t?” Pleased with her response, Tommy goes on to add that Sam shot him in leg and wasn’t that mean, Mama? Mama agrees and Tommy beams like Maxine after buying the last glittery Halloween t-shirt on HSN.

Sam goes to Shifter Luna’s. He gets his game working, but she tells him it’s not a good time. Sam scrapes his toe in the dirt and offers, “I was just following your lead.” God, Sam, what is it with you and women who don’t really want you? Maybe you should give Bill a call. He’s open to a good sales pitch. Luna’s young daughter, Emma, comes to the door and invites Sam to play Barbies. Sam really wants to – he’s comfortable with plastic women who come with a lot of baggage. Sam wins Luna over with his mad Mattel skills, but Luna’s still a little antsy.

Jason climbs a tree (uh-oh, and it’s not even the full moon!) and whittles his stick to a point. A panther growls beneath tree and Jason get jump on it and stabs it with his now pointy stick. The panther scratches him and then turns into a dying Felton. Crystal runs up and un-panthers and kicks Felton with a blasé, “So long, motherfucker.” Jason ignores her “Hey baby” and holds her off with his pointy stick. She tells him Luther and Timbo are coming, but she can handle them, seeing as how she’s Big Mama Kitty now. Crystal continues to crazy-cakes how she and Jason are mates for life, and Jason reminds her that she’s the worst thing that ever happened to him. Crystal and her ever-present nipples tell him he’s going to be her panther man and Ghost-Daddy to their clan, and that Hot Shot is the only place that will take him in, come the full moon. Jason sways on his feet and tells her that if he sees her again it’ll be too soon and limps off. Crystal shrugs that off with a smile that’s perkier than her ever-naked boobs and waves him off all, “Later! Call me!”

Eric’s not sweepy, and he doesn’t want to go night-night (sorry, I have a three-year-old). Sookie checks his burns but they’ve already healed. She tries to tuck him in, but Eric asks her to stay with him (it may be time to think about Ferberizing him, Sookie). She tells him no, Mommy has human stuff to do. Eric looks lost, and you can tell his thumb just wants to find his mouth. Outside, Alcide tells Sookie that it’s nuts to keep a vampire in her house. Alcide tells her, “He’s a killer; he’s still Eric Northman,” and Sookie rejoins with a quick, “Well, Debbie Pelt is still Debbie Pelt.” Ooo, burn. Alcide sighs and beckons Sookie to his chest and they hug. He offers a wry, “Friends?” Sookie agrees, and Alcide gives a sexually frustrated nod.

Portia takes Bill to meet her grandmother. Wow, I thought they were just doing the benefits thing. But no matter, her grandmother is TV’s own Katherine Helmond! Andy attempts to sneak past the drawing room on his way upstairs (hee! Andy lives with Granny!) but is called in to be sociable with the folks. Grandma Caroline suggest Portia serve them tea and Portia offers TruBlood to Bill, and Grandma smiles benignly; however, when Andy changes his order to Red Bull, Grandma informs him that’s just vulgar.

Luna and Sam snuggle up on the couch while her daughter heads to the Little Shifters room. Luna says she wants to raise her daughter right, since so many shifter kids are messed up. Sam asks if she thought he would run when he found out that she had a kid, because he doesn’t mind shop lifting the pootie from a single mom, really. Luna tells him she has to be careful because her ex is a werewolf, make that a jealous werewolf, who occasionally stalks her. Well, another fine job in the lady department there, Sam.

Research continues at Moon Goddess, and Marnie appeals to the spirits yet again. A book falls off the counter and everyone makes Twilight Zone theme faces. Marnie opens the book to a fortuitously bookmarked spell about the River of Lethe, the river of forgetting. Wow, if this storyline homages Buffy any harder, I’m going have to bust out the Nerf Herder.

Alcide goes home to find Debbie’s in the den because this show is literal. She thinks he was working late but gets a whiff of him as they embrace. Note to Alcide: don’t wolf-around on a girl who can sniff out more than just perfume. Alcide quickly tells her that Sookie called and he helped her out with a vamp problem, because he and Debbie are living a life of rigorous honesty, whatever that means. Alcide is turned on by Debbie’s growth, and they go at it. I don’t have to be a Betazoid to know Debbie’s hiding something, like intense hatred for Sookie.

Grandma Caroline regales Bill with the genealogy of the Bellefleurs, but Bill’s wicked old and likes that kind of thing. Like any southern grand dame, Grandma Caroline calls for the Bible and a whiskey. She and Bill peruse through the begats in the Bellefleur family tree, and they come to the same icky conclusion. Bill bows out like a gentleman, Grandma takes a powder, and Portia is out of the loop. I don’t have to be genealogist to realize somebody must be kissin’ cousins, and we’re a few miles from Hot Shot for that to work out so well. Bill tells Portia they can’t see each other again, and she attempts to lawyer herself up to rebut that, but Bill stops her cold by telling her that she’s his great-great-great-granddaughter. I think Alan Ball saw the first season of “Game of Thrones” and realized that they really needed to step it up with the incest to stay relevant.

Terry carries Mikey into the family room and shows him his family, Arlene and the other two kids sleeping sweetly on the sofa, and Terry, his daddy, who will teach him everything about being a southern man, including laundry duty. He puts Mikey down with the scary ass baby doll they got from Jessica and leaves the room to add fabric softener. Arlene tosses restlessly on the couch but is immediately awoken as Terry comes back and finds “Baby Not Yours” written on the wall in marker. Mikey beams around said marker as he colors his lips and face with it. Arlene’s subsequent freak out is more than valid.

Sookie climbs down to the cubby to see Eric and tells him he’s too quiet. She finally gets a malleable Eric, and now she complains that he’s not snarky enough. Somebody is protesting too much for comfort. Eric tells her that, if she kisses him, he’ll promise to be happy. Her lips say no, but even her Merlotte’s apron is saying yes. He leans in to kiss her and then realizes there’s someone at the door. It’s Bill, because he lives to cockblock Eric. Sookie smiles to see him, but the smile tightens when Bill tells her he is looking for Eric. Sookie breezes that Eric is gone, and not just gone, but so gone that she thought Bill had taken care of it for her, big strong vamp that he is. Bill is somewhat mollified but tells Sookie that they’ve searched all of Eric’s holdings (flat in Paris, plantation in Barbados and he lives in a hole in a bar in Shreveport…hokay). Sookie tells Bill that she doesn’t want flat-footed goombahs with guns poking through her panty drawer. Bill says that he will be the only flat-footed goombah in question. Sookie still says no, Eric might own the property, but it’s her home. Bill attempts go around her and Sookie asks if she’s ever lied to him. Bill realizes that she’s got the moral high ground there. Irony! He draws his kingly dignity about him and says good night.

Groaning, Jason stumbles down the roadside and collapses. A car stops, and thankfully it’s Hoyt and Jessica and not a passel full of Hot Shot. Jessica presses her wrist against Jason’s lips and gives him some of her blood. She wavers in his vision as he drinks.

If Tommy’s Mama had a book, she’d sure nuff make Tommy read it. I’m sure he could read the coffee can Joe Lee pees in – go get that. Tommy asks if Joe Lee threw her back in the ring after Tommy left, because she’s scarred up all to hell. She says Joe Lee saved her life in a fight with a Rottweiler, and that she’s just gotten too old to fight pups (happens to the best of us). Tommy huffs that she’s still defending Joe Lee despite everything, and suddenly a shockingly clothed Joe Lee yanks Tommy around the neck with a chain. Mama says they missed him and can’t make it without him, but Joe Lee merely tells him that he will learn obedience, loyalty and family (and lucky for Tommy, he can spell them now, too!).

Tara, Marnie, Lafayette and Jesus get chanty in the woods with Pam, in a smokin’ hot bustier, playing overseer. Marnie tells them to stop saying fuck, she can’t concentrate. Try recapping this without it, witchy woman. Marnie begins the spell, and things seem to be going okay until Pam interrupts with an impatient, “This is bullshit.” The golden light comes into Marnie’s eyes and, lo she is slain in the spirit and begins to speak in the tongues of men and angels! But evidently vengeful angels, because Pam’s face begins to rot, the right side peeling off in chunks as Pam whimpers. It’s really, really, gross. I mean really. There’s not enough Bactine in the world. Pam flees in horror and I cry for all the lipgloss I’ll never see her apply again. Marnie mwahahahas us out. Witches, man.