Real Housewives of New Jersey – 3.10 There Arose Such A Clatter

Melissa can't believe it when someone tells her Kim G is actually 237 years old. That's a good surgeon she has!

Bravo reminds us of last week’s holiday party with amped up tension music and loads of shots of a plastic-faced Kim G. Monica Chacon, the attorney suing the Giudices, is quietly escorted to the door, and Teresa is appeased.

As Bro Joe dances with some moms, Mel tells Tre that the deed is done, Monica has left the building.

In a surprise move, they kiss and hug, and it seems that all is well with Teresa and Melissa. Finally! Oh, wait, Teresa notices Kim G is still there, not good enough, Mel, not good enough at all! Mel, thankfully, rolls her eyes and says that Kim G is harmless, she should ignore her, and Mel leaves to enjoy her elaborate party, as she should have been doing all night.

Melissa’s Gorgon sister is in another room talking with Kim G, because that woman is a pot stirrer (the sister, not just Kim) and they holler at Mel to come over and “tawk.” She’s on a mission to bring more coconut rum to someone, so she waves them off and keeps going. Gorgon shrugs and tells Kim that Melissa trying to keep the peace between Joe and Tre. Kim G’s wheels start turning.

Tre and Melissa shake their tail feathers together on the dance floor. This reconciliation might just happen!

Big Al shows up after working at the Brownstone, has kisses for Caroline, and Bro Joe has a nice glass of chianti for him. Another round of drinks for everyone! Kim G bitches to someone that her champagne is in a Chardonnay glass. Really, lady? REALLY? Just drink your damn drink.

Kathy, who doesn’t realize when she should just stick with her husband, gets caught in a group talking to Kim G. Kim bitches about her friend being told to leave, complains about Teresa, and Kathy thankfully tells her that she doesn’t want to hear any of that, it’s still her family. (Good girl.) Jacqueline comes over and points out to Kim that the Giudices and Gorgas are getting their picture taken, and she’s lost the battle. YOU LOSE, KIM, you couldn’t destroy the night.

Well, that’s just fuel on her fire. She rolls her eyes and says loudly, “Yeah, they’re fine for now.” Lauren Manzo has been standing by this whole time (as has Caroline) and Lauren says, “Everyone needs to stop stirring the pot because it’s getting pathetic.” Like daughter like mother. Lauren tells the camera that sometimes you have to tell the bully what’s what. I’ve mentioned my love of the Manzos, right?

“What was that?” Kim snarls at Lauren. OH HELL NO, Kim. You don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit in the wind, you don’t pull the mask off of ol’ Lone Ranger, and you don’t mess around with Manzos. Enter the dragon, Caroline. She does try and talk calmly to Kim at first, but Kim is up at arms instantly with massive attitude.

Meanwhile, Tre and Juicy give hugs and kisses all around and leave, the party a success for them. They wait outside for their car to be brought around, and congratulate themselves for a party well attended. (Baby steps.)

Caroline has to raise her voice to be heard over Kim’s bullshit. She says for her to stop playing games. Her son Albie is standing near at this point, because all of the Manzos know what’s going on with each other at all times, it’s like a Spidey sense. “You came here with the intent to cause an issue,” Caroline chastises. Kim immediately starts getting loud.

Enter Christuhphuh, who’s best friend is the son of Kim G. He immediately gets in between his mom and Kim and starts backing Kim away from the group. He’s trying to be respectful of her because of her son, and when Albie gets involved, all bowed up and rowdy, he maneuvers her away to the door and convinces her to step outside. By the way, Kim’s bodyguard (she brought a bodyguard to a holiday party) is standing at the door this whole time. Good work, bub, expect that phone ringing off the hook for your services.

Christuhphuh and Kim talk in the driveway as Albie and Ashley look on from the front entry stoop. Chris is getting along with Kim, making a little headway, but Albie comes over and makes him leave. Manzos are circling the wagons. Kim starts in again, but Big Al is out at this point and says, “come on, get of here,” to her and “She’s a clown,” to his family. Ha ha. Now, Ashley has been on the porch this whole time. Remember her saying how her mom loves to be in the middle of drama? Jacqueline wasn’t outside, Wahshley. Mm hmm.

Kim G blusters, trying to get back in and Caroline steps in. “You want me to get the owners of the house here to escort you out again? You’re not welcome. You came with the intent to hurt.” The bodyguard is rounded up, he has her things, and the problem is solved.

Juicy and Tre were watching from the valet stand the whole time, delighted.

Caroline tells Melissa and Joe that Kim G is gone, she’s sorry for getting involved, but Kim is horrible and we’re all better off for her having left. Melissa tells the camera that while she did find that a little odd, she respected the Manzo boys coming to their mother’s defense and hopes her sons will grow up to do the same thing one day.

The Manzo/Laurita clan meets up in the media room of the Gorga home to talk it out. Chris tells Christuhphuh that he did the right thing, he handled himself well, and what else could he have done? He says they all need to be bigger than this, anyway. Big Al asks, “Did she bring a bodyguard? Why?”

Christuhphuh is okay with everything except the potential fall out with his friend, Kim’s son. That’s his BFF. And lo and behold, he gets a call from him, and goes off to smooth things out.

Melissa thinks that over all the party was a success: no tables flipped, no fist fights, everyone brought gifts for St. Josephs, and she and Caroline share a laugh over the tossing Kim out thing. It’s a happy ending.

The next day at Kathy’s, she and her family (her mother, her sister Rosie, the kids) are all prepping for the big Christmas Eve feast. Kathy’s mom – who is Teresa’s aunt – talks about her fight years ago with her brother – Teresa’s dad. It was all over money between her brother and her husband (sound familiar?) but after a while, she missed her brother enough to say stop with the foolishness, we’re a family, no more fighting. And they worked it out. Aw, that’s nice.

Caroline is on the radio (evidently this is before Christmas Eve, but the editors don’t care about chronological story telling) and the topic is divorce and kids. She gets a caller from a lovely man who married a woman with a five year old girl, he loved her like his own daughter, took care of her, helped raise her. It’s Chris Laurita on the phone, and when Caroline realizes it, she almost cries. Aww, baby brother.

He says that even though he embraced the child as his own (he’s not naming names) they don’t have a close relationship, how can he make it more meaningful? Seriously, I freaking love the Laurita/Manzos. LOVE them. Caroline praises him for doing the right thing by the daughter and that eventually the girl will come around, he’s been a great step-father.

Let’s just get this settled: Chris and Jacqueline have been outstanding parents, and are outstanding people. Wahshely is a rotten kid with a chip on her shoulder. Let’s hope one day she grows up.

It’s Christmas Eve for everyone now, and we start at Teresa’s. Her parents and Juicy’s parents are there and it’s all about food food food. Christmas Eve is her holiday where the families descend. Juicy’s sister and family are there, as well. Gia apparently has an admirer, he gave her a giant ring for Christmas. She is nine, in case you need reminding. It’s a fake sapphire surrounded by fake diamonds. Let’s hope it’s fake.

Teresa’s dad flips out, “That would cost $300,000 if it was real!” and he and Juicy tease Gia about the boy. It’s cute and very dad-like. Meanwhile, Antonia, the littlest Giudice, is stumbling around the house in the biggest damn dress imaginable, unable to put her arms down. It’s like Ralphie’s little brother Randy when he’s all dressed to play in the snow and can’t move.

Mel gets the kids ready to head out the door, and asks them about Christmas as she slips silver crosses around their necks. (No worries for werewolves in the Gorga household!) Their daughter says that Christmas means presents and snow. Um, no it doesn’t, it means Jesus’ birthday, riiiight? Their daughter is amazed by this, and asks how old Jesus is.

“Jesus? 89.” Ahahaha. That’s a pretty good answer on the fly, Jesus Spice, good one. That will raise fewer questions than 2000 years old.

Bro Joe says he doesn’t want to stay too long, because he’s not comfortable with the Giudice family since the Christening. I can’t blame him. He’ll go for the sake of the truce with his sister and for the cousins to get to play, and because his parents are there, as well. But after a bit, they’re leaving and heading over to Kathy’s.

Caroline is in the middle of a war zone of her own, but she loves every minute of it. If you thought there was a lot of food at the other places, you’ve not seen the food prep at the Manzo house. She has 10 siblings, and it looks like most of them and their kids come to her place for Christmas Eve dinner. I love their family. They all have a great sense of humor, are very comfortable with each other, and are demonstrative of their feelings. It’s nice.

Christuhphuh and Albie go off on Santa for exploiting children, slave labor, lack of work ethic (he only works the holidays? What about the other 11 months?) and that he’s a classless bum. They’re hilarious. Big Al won’t be able to get there until later, he’s working the Brownstone, as per usual.

Wahshley, there with her folks because her Texas family is sick, says that her New Year’s Resolution is to make her step-dad like her. WHAT? Chris rolls with it, and I’m telling you, this man has the patience of a saint. He tells her that he loves her. He just doesn’t like a lot of her behavior and lack of respect. He wants her to be responsible, to go after the things she wants in life, not wait with her hand out. I love this man, Jacqueline, you did good.

But because Ashely is just rotten, she turns it all around to play the victim and asks for specifics of what she’s done, and Chris happily tells her, but in a kind, “you asked,” way. Ashely is just a brat, plain and simple.

Mel and family are on their way to Teresa’s, and the girl learned her lesson; she brought the right cookies this time. None of those god damned sprinkle cookies, the kind that were favored by Nazis and Satan. Pignolis are the food of angels. (And they are, they really are. Next time you make them, sub out the pine nuts with pistachios and get ready to pass out from deliciousness.)

She hands the package to Tre, who answers the door in a skirt so short you can see half of her alimentary canal, and Joe gets a big hug from his father. Aw. The cousins all hug and it’s Christmas, it’s going to work and I spoke too soon. Teresa chastises Melissa for wearing a strapless, short dress (even though she’s wearing leggings under the dress.) Teresa is classy in her too-short mini because she’s wearing a jacket, you see.

I’m not kidding, Teresa makes a huge deal about how inappropriate Mel is dressed. The balls on this girl! Which, next time she picks something up, you should be able to see, due to her short skirt. Mel has learned, though, and blows it off, and continues into the party greeting people.

Juicy doesn’t even try to mingle with them, he’s all, “It’s my house, let them eat and leave.” Bro Joe tries to connect with everyone, and poison aside, I adore the Gorgas now. They do try. Joe says he’s glad he came, the kids are all getting along, he’s happy with his sister, and his parents are there. He doesn’t like all the comments from the peanut gallery, aka, Juicy and his brother, but he stays away.

He and Melissa see Gia’s ring and tease her like the good aunt and uncle they are. Joe says he’ll bite this kids nose off, rip off his ear, etc., if he upsets his lovely G to the ia. I loved when my uncles would do this sort of thing. It’s scary because you’re little enough to worry, but you know deep down it means you are important to them. Aw, I wanna call my Uncle Barret now and hug his bones.

Juicy hears this exchange, and even though he and his father in law were saying similar things, tells his brother in law that the Gorgas are “fucking animals,” then goes on to call Melissa a raccoon and a witch. Lovely, buddy, lovely. Juicy, you are the animal here, jerk face. What an ass.

Bro Joe has done right by his sister, he believes, and it’s now time to leave and head over to Kathy’s. He goes to tell her that and you know that this isn’t going to go well. Mostly we know this because we get a big “TO BE CONTINUED!” on the screen and a potential fight breaking out (of course.)

Sigh. It seemed like the reconciliation was going to work, but that Juicy, I tell you. I don’t wish ill on many people, but this guy needs to go to jail for all of his shenanigans, pay his debt, and let his wife be the one to raise their kids with the help of her family. They need to study the Manzos and see that family can fight, but in the end, you all know you love each other and have one another’s back.

And this episode made me crazy hungry, my god, they all make delicious food! And it made me miss my big huge family a few states over, oh, the holiday feasts! (I have fourteen aunts and uncles, not including their spouses. So I know from big family, is what I’m telling yous. Good stuff, big families. Lots of love with all those cousins and if the women can cook? [kisses fingers, waves them to the sky] Life doesn’t get much better.)

[Next episode?  RIGHT HERE!]