Joe Lee drags Tommy around by the neckchain as Mama Mickens bird dogs him, telling him he’s going to kill Tommy and threatening to call the ASPCA. “I’m teaching him!” Joe Lee grunts as he puts Tommy in a choke hold until he passes out. Wow, literacy followed by obedience school: Tommy’s having a big week! As Joe Lee makes plans for all the new under-drawers Tommy’s future winnings are going to net him, Tommy (who was just playing ‘possum, shoulda seen that coming, Joe Lee) jumps up and gets his daddy’s attention with a chain-choke of his own. I think to myself, “How do you like me now, bitch?” just before Tommy asks, “Now who’s the bitch, bitch?” Y’all, I could write for this show. Which puts me slightly ahead of 100 monkeys with 100 typewriters and a shirtless picture of Alexander Skarsgård, but you get me.
Mama grabs her up a stick and tries to get Tommy away from Joe Lee, but Tommy throws her off. He takes the stick and whales on Joe Lee until he’s kibbles and bits. Mama yells, “I’ll kill you!” and jumps Tommy. Tommy whirls around and goes for the solo Melendez as he hits her with the stick and she goes down without a whimper. Tommy cries, “Mama!” and gathers her in his arms. Matricide and patricide in the freaking teaser: it’s like “The End” without all the psychedelic crap.
Marnie wakes up in the middle of the multi-colored candle circle with Jesus, Lafayette and Tara over her. “What happened?” she catchphrases in what is becoming almost Urkel-esque in its “did I do that?” factor. “Hooker, you pissed off another vampire and then you took a goddamn nap,” and with that, Lafayette gives us the best use of hooker since accurately guessing Pam’s former profession in Season Two. Marnie says the spirit returned and Jesus asks if she was possessed. Marnie says she was just the conduit, but that the spirit is benevolent. Pam and I both reach for our copies of Oxford Advanced to double check our understanding of ‘benevolent,’ but okay then, Marnie. Jesus and Lafayette try again to convince Marnie of the seriousness of pissing off yet another vampire, but Marnie says the vampires brought it upon themselves. Lafayette tells her that’s some catchy shit for her headstone (better, I suppose than “She took a nap. A lot.”) but in any case, he’s Audi 5000. Even Jesus is ready to abdicate his position as third gourd shaker to the right and is shagging ass in Lafayette and Tara’s wake.
Terry and Arlene eye the writing on the wall (I told you this show was literal) and Arlene says it means Rene is coming back to take Mikey. Terry reassures her that Rene is dead (which is not really a deterrent to dating in this town, much less haunting, but I see what you’re trying to do, Terry). Arlene says she’s not going to let Rene hurt her child, which means, hallelujah and pass the butter beans, she’s decided to blame Rene’s malevolent spirit and not stink-eye that baby anymore. Terry’s afraid somebody may have left the bodies and moved the headstones, so he wants to get a man of God in the house for a cleansing. Arlene dithers, not wanting to be one of those Christians who only shows up for Christmas, Easter and exorcism, but Terry convinces her that they need Jesus to take the wheel.
Perennially shirtless Eric opens the door to Sookie’s bedroom, but is grabbed by Godric (!!) who caresses Eric’s chin. Godric then eyes Sookie in a way that has serious three-way overtones, but he seems far more drawn by Sookie’s fairy nectar than the thought of crossing fangs with Eric. Godric leans in to breathe Sookie’s scent, but Eric pushes him away and asks who Godric is. Godric Scandinaviates an invitation to drink with him to days gone by, but even epic Les Miz references can’t sway Eric to harm Sookie. Godric grabs Eric by the throat and tells him that he’s incapable of love, and that he is damned. Eric is certain that Sookie can redeem him (after all, even Danny lettered in track for Sandy!). Godric says Eric cannot be saved and he commands Eric to drink and stop fighting his nature. Eric vamps and the two of them make the most overt vamp faces you’ve seen this side of a Twilight convention before diving into Sookie molars-deep.
Eric wakes abruptly in his cubby to find it was all a nocturnal fang emission. He slips into a pair of basketball shorts, perhaps to see if he can interest Sookie in a game of H.O.R.S.E., and approaches her bed. She’s dressed far more demurely than she was in Eric’s dream (which, other than random!Godric, should have been the dream tipoff). Eric leans over her and Sookie wakes with a “What the hell?” Eric lip quivers that he had a bad dream.
Jessica and Hoyt settle an unconscious Jason in his bed. Hoyt tells Jessica that she just saved his best friend’s life (a best friend he didn’t notice was missing for four episodes, but, hey, they have lives). Jessica grins that ‘it’s all in the wrist’ and she and Hoyt hug. Jessica stiffens and pulls away, and Hoyt gets a creasy forehead. He goes to kiss her, and she pulls away again, telling him she’s tired from giving Jason her blood. Hoyt, understandably confused because Jessica’s given him blood and then went on to have freaky vampire sex for hours, wonders if there’s something she’s not telling him. The understatement knocks Jessica for a loop for a moment and Hoyt uses the lull to ask if she’s killed another trucker. Jessica reiterates that she’s merely tired and ready to go home. Hoyt says the he’ll stay with Jason (which is actually not a bad idea; if you have to wake someone every hour for a concussion, surely rape-by-werepanther would require ‘round the clock nursing) and Jessica flinches. She tells Hoyt that she loves him and Hoyt sighs and turns away.
Bill greets Portia at his door with a formal, “Good evening, Miss Bellefleur.” Uh-oh. Paw-Paw Bill’s got a whole lot of missed birthdays and pony rides to make up for. Or not: Portia launches herself at Bill and kisses him. Bill vamp speeds away, sputtering, “We share a bloodline!” Portia chases him around the office like an outtake from Horrible Bosses, bullet-pointing the incest statutes she stayed up all night looking up on the internet. She throws a Hail Mary with the fact that the state doesn’t get involved in the lives of consenting adults, allowing Bill to utter, “Please do not think you have my consent” with such gravitas that he will forever have my love. Portia natters about genetically mutated offspring and vampires shooting blanks and married cousins, and the yuck factor aside, it’s just embarrassing. Damn, girl! He said no; go home and read “Pop-Pop’s Just Not That Into You” and remind yourself that you’re a strong, confident woman. Bill doesn’t have a lot of hope for that scenario, however, and gives Portia a desperately needed glamour shot: “You are not romantically interested in me. I terrify you. You will have an uncontrollable urge to scream and run away.” Portia opens her spinny eyes, sees Bill before her and runs screaming from the room. Both Bill and I feel a serious decline in our embarrassment squick.
Eric sobs into Sookie’s patchwork counterpane with a pre-menopausal, “I don’t know why I’m crying.” Sookie tells him that he loved Godric and misses him, even if he doesn’t remember him. Sookie’s wearing a nightshirt with that Bouguereau kissing angels print, because this show must underscore her purity against Eric’s blood tears at all cost. She tells Eric he’s not evil and he snuggles into her lap and tells her he likes being next to her. Sookie visibly boggles at the unreality of cuddling with Eric Northman and Eric asks if he can stay with her ‘til sunrise. She tells him he can as long as he keeps his hands and all of his other undead parts to himself. He makes himself into the Little Spoon and pulls her arm around his waist, telling her that he could never hurt anyone as beautiful as she is (ugly chicks are apparently still on the menu). Sookie makes a conflicted face and her eyes start making swirly heart shapes.
Pam walks into Bill’s office shrouded in a black lace mourning veil. “Oh, good,” Bill says mildly, “the world needs more bee keepers.” I laugh, rewind, repeat. Pam tells him that they have a problem. She flips her veil and, well, it’s no white wedding. Bill immediately susses out that she went to see the witch despite being told not to. Before Bill can reach for his employee handbook and give Pam another lesson in vampire protocol, she asks permission to kill the witch, saying that as tragic as it is that something may have happened to Eric, “You fuck with my face and it’s time to DIE.” Pam’s also wearing full-length black gloves because she will not let her personal tragedy interfere with her ability to accessorize. Bill informs her that the Authority has forbidden human violence; it would mean the true death for any vampire who attempted it. Pam’s having none of Bill’s chain of command, however, and orders him to convene his sheriffs and then drops a C-bomb before softening it with a begrudging, ‘your majesty.’ Bill’s not insensitive to Pam’s plight; he vampscapes, after all, and suggests that maybe there’s a cosmetic solution…extra lipstick, perhaps. Yeah…matte, gloss, shimmer – it doesn’t matter; Pam’s not going to get by with anything short of spackle. She peels off a strip of lip with a whimper. Bill recoils in horror and offers weakly, “Well the veil, then.”
Jesus and Lafayette are packing up their game and heading southwest. Tara says she doesn’t think Jesus’s granddaddy is going to be much help against a pissed off Eric Northman. Jesus says his granddaddy is a brujo, and realizing that still doesn’t sound particularly manly, amends it to a shaman. Jesus says Tara should come with them, and to underpin the seriousness of the situation, he puts on a pork pie hat. Jazzy! Tara says she’s going back to NOLA and that she never should left. Tara and Lafayette say goodbye and then Jesus and Lafayette pause while packing up the truck to exposit the conversation they should have had before they packed. Lafayette wonders why they’re going all the way to Mexico to see a man Jesus hates. Jesus says that now that they’re turning all vampires against them one by one, it’s time to fight fire with fire. He settles into an anecdote about the last time he saw Granddaddy Shaman, and how it was Jesus’s birthday. They didn’t have much money for gifts, so he was surprised when Granddaddy covered his eyes and led him to where his present was staked out in the yard. It’s a goat! Mmm…barbecue! But no, Jesus had always wanted a pet and is already planning to name this one Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla when Granddaddy draws a serious pig sticker and commands Jesus to take it. Jesus sobs and hugs the goat, but takes the knife at Granddaddy’s command and kills the goat. Granddaddy Shaman then tells Jesus to ‘take the spirit inside you’ and forces Jesus to lick the knife. The flashback shimmers away and Lafayette says bluntly, “We ain’t going to your crazy-ass granddaddy.” Jesus, who obviously didn’t use this experience to become an ethical vegetarian, says that when he licked the knife, he felt something inside him he’d never felt before: power. However, his mother witnessed the whole thing and took him away from his grandfather and they never went back. Jesus wants that freaky goat blood power again to go up against the vamps. Lafayette eyeballs him and then tells Jesus that he’s driving and calls him a dirty rotten goat killer.
Tara calls Naomi, who doesn’t purr into the receiver at the long unheard tones of her lover’s voice. Naomi mouths back, “I miss you too, ‘Toni,’” but you can hear the quotes in her voice. Naomi looks at the morning mail and asks who Tara Thornton is. Apparently Tara wasn’t too thorough on the details of her reboot, but then I doubt even Jason Bourne could subvert the doggedness of the Social Security Administration.
Tommy pulls up at Sam’s, hollering. Home is where they always have to take you in, but they might quirk an eyebrow if you’re covered with blood with your parents’ corpses in the back of your van.
At Merlotte’s, Sookie asks Holly how her Wicca group is doing. They chat for a bit about the many ways to misuse Wicca and Wiccan as adjectives and then Sookie sotto-voices that she heard there was a vampire attack. Holly doesn’t really want to talk about it, since while Sookie might be down with the vamp love, Holly has youguns at home to think about. Sookie reads Holly’s mind (hey! Sookie’s a telepath! I’d almost forgotten that!) and learns that if Marnie hadn’t cast the spell on Eric, he would have killed them all. Holly’s not going back to Moon Goddess any time soon, despite its being the only slug-scented candle retailer in the tri-parish area.
Hoyt and Jason grab a short stack at Merlotte’s. Hoyt is hung up on the sheer number of women Jason was forced to have sex with. Jason says as much as he loves it, every bad thing that’s ever happened to him is because of sex and then finger ticks them off to Hoyt’s agreement. Jason worries that God is punishing him for being a (in this case literal) pussy magnet. Hoyt says he thinks Jason’s not the only one being punished. Jason, understandably, given his ordeal, goes straight to “Jessica raped you?” Hoyt says oh, no, she’s just distant and moody, which, of course, is exactly like gang rape with bestiality overtones. Jason tells Hoyt he loves him but Jessica being out of sorts kind of pales in comparison to what Jason’s gone through. Hoyt agrees, and despite the fact that this story is glossing over all kinds of rape culture issues, one really can’t expect think tank level debate on gender, violence and sexuaulization from the crack team of Fortenberry and Stackhouse. Across the room, Holly snaps at Sookie for snatching her plate of Adam and Eve on a Raft, and then apologizes, saying it’s the coming full moon. Jason’s ears perk up and he asks Holly for clarification. She asks if he feels it too, but Jason doesn’t feel a damn thing, thank you very much, and hot foots it out of Merlotte’s, giving Sookie the brush off and sticking Hoyt with the check.
Reverend Daniels and Tara’s mother, Lettie Mae, who is now the new Mrs. Daniels, arrive at Terry and Arlene’s for the cleansing. Reverend Daniels and Lettie Mae set the tambourine to a-wailing, and even as a childhood member of a charismatic Pentecostal church, I cover my eyes with my hands and groan. Arlene tells Lettie Mae that she sure is grateful ‘you people can use your special gifts to help us out.’ Lettie Mae’s eyes narrow on ‘you people’ and Arlene quickly amends that to “You know…religious,” but you know Terry’s dying to cough ‘magical negro trope’ into his fist. Reverend Daniels prays and shakes his Bible at the writing on the wall and then he and Lettie Mae burn sage in the corners of the rooms. Lettie Mae reminds everyone that she has first hand demon possession knowledge, but Arlene corrects her that they have a ghost problem, not a demon one. Lettie Mae shrugs philosophically and figures it will work on ghosts, too.
Sookie slips into a sunshine yellow sundress and heads to the Magic Box, which apparently we’re still calling Moon Goddess. Marnie tells her that they’re closed, but Sookie offers that her favorite TV shows when she was little were Sabrina and Charmed. That admission makes both Marnie and me feel wicked old, but Marnie asks her to take a seat. She asks for something personal of Sookie’s and Sookie hands her a necklace. Marnie goes through her Clairvoyance for Dummies checklist and Sookie hides a grin. However, when Marnie makes out the presence of an older woman in a yellow apron, Sookie’s no longer smiling. She tells Sookie that Gran wants her to take care of her brother, Jason, and not to give her heart to the new man in her life – the situation is only temporary and will not last. Suddenly, Sookie hears Gran’s voice in her head as well, and Gran tells her that Marnie poses great danger and to GET OUT. Sookie’s lived her own horror film long enough to know when a spirit tells you to run, you get the heck out of Dodge, so she tosses Marnie some coin and hoofs it.
Tommy wails like a Greek chorus on a parricide dirge as Sam drives the van. They fly by Andy, who is sleeping off some V in his squad car. Andy jerks awake, pops some more V and takes off after them, sirens wailing. Tommy says that he’ll kill the cop before he lets him take Sam. Sam says stand down, Ice-T, and get in the back of the van. Andy sees a bloody handprint on the car door and identifies it (owing less to his detecting skills than the fact that you are what you eat) and Sam says that Tommy uses the van for hunting. Suspicious (or perhaps hoping for a V stock in the cargo area), Andy eyeballs the van and asks Sam to open the back. Tommy gets ready with a shovel, eyes narrowing. Andy walks to the back of the van, fingers twitching. Sam slowly walks to the cargo doors, keys jangling, and the soundtrack goes positively Kubrickian with anticipation. Andy impatiently takes the keys from Sam’s hand open the doors to find a snarling gator waiting for him. Sam hides a smile and Andy leaps back with an eek. Sam calmly closes the van doors and says he’s merely releasing the gator back into nature, have a nice day, Andy.
Marnie finds one of her erstwhile witchlings, Bill’s mole, ‘Katie’, at Moon Goddess. Katie says she’s worried about all of the vampire goings on she’s heard about from the other witches and has avoided the circle. Marnie tells Katie not to worry, that they are being watched over by a benevolent spirit. Katie’s face goes from simpering to Semper Fi and calls in the AVL commandoes who grab Marnie.
Tara cries into her ice cream over at Sookie’s and tells Sookie all about Naomi. Sookie blessedly only takes a moment on ‘a girlfriend?’ but then does that awkward TV coming out story bit where Tara is forced to say she never had a thing for Sookie, ambiguous sexuality or no. Tara says that she’s been lying to Naomi because Tara hates Bon Temps and everything it has done to her and wanted to start over fresh. Sookie asks if Tara loves Naomi, and Tara thinks that she does (not that Tara has had a lot of positive role modeling there). Sookie tells her if she wants Naomi, she has to fight for her relationship. Tara huffs that that’s easy advice to give, but would Sookie forgive Bill if he were standing before her, crown in hand? It’s a good point, Tara, but inventing a new identity due to trauma is slightly more forgivable than ‘I knew you were a fairy and stalked you for three seasons.’ Sookie tells her that you have to be honest with the people you love, even as she keeps one eye on the waning daylight on the other on the cubby doors.
Marnie is in an AVL holding cell praying to the goddess. It’s nap time for Witchy-Poo, apparently, and her eyes roll white as she sees a circle of witches in a cell praying in Spanish. The Inquisitioneers come forward for the witches, their crucifixes menacing. As Marnie gives the bars of the cell an “Attica!” shake, the Inquisitoneers turn into vamps and dive into the bruja buffet. Well, their chief weapon is surprise.
The sun sets and Sookie tells Tara that, you know, she really should go tell Naomi the truth, and no time like the present! Tara just really wants to take a load off, though, and asks if she can stay at Sookie’s for the night. Sookie says that it’s really not a great time, but before she can think of an excuse, Eric is crawling out of his cubby and coming to say hi. Tara screams and grabs a fireplace poker while Eric growls at her and tells her he lives there, thank you very much. Tara and Sookie have a brief discussion on Sookie’s understanding of the etymology of the word ‘honesty.’ Sookie tries to convince Tara that Eric has changed and that he won’t hurt her. Tara boggles that Sookie has a short memory and reminds her of that one time when Eric sold her out to Russell Edgington (this episode has been almost a clips show of remember whens). Eric looks shocked by that info, but not nearly so shocked as when Tara announces that Sookie hates him. Tara flips them both a verbal bird and she is OUT.
Bill Big Brothers Marnie via closed-circuit and tells her no harm will come to her if she cooperates. He just wants to ask her some questions, perhaps about her experiences as a new business owner in Bon Temps? Tara stands at Bill’s shoulder like Widow Weeds Barbie. Marnie tells Bill that, as far as she knows, she chanted a simple protection incantation at Eric and he left. Marnie also has no memory of casting the rotting spell on Pam or how to remove it. Bill tells Pam that he will glamour Marnie to make certain, and Pam warns him that he can’t go anywhere near Marnie without losing his vamp parts. But Bill has more glamour than a Pippa Middleton revue on Drag Night and besides, insanity comes with the crown. The Madness of King Bill aside, Pam watches him and his red power tie worriedly through the closed-circuit as he closes in on Marnie. Working his glamour, Bill asks Marnie her intentions toward witchcraft and she reiterates that she merely wants to peacefully practice her religion. She has no memory of casting the spell on Eric and has no idea how to reverse the rotting spell on Pam. Bill is confused and holds Marnie off with his Obi-Wan hand as he looks toward the camera, asking if Pam got all that. Pam is not well pleased, and not just because her make-up call just started coming 3 hours earlier.
Jesus and Lafayette apparently drove across Texas like it was Rhode Island and are already in Mexico. Jesus warns Lafayette to let him do the talking, just in case Lafayette was planning to drop a “Puta, por favor!” on Granddaddy Shaman. Granddaddy, a bit grayer but still crazy-eyed, pops up behind them, telling them that he’s been expecting Jesus as he leads them into his hovel.
A leather-clad dude looms in Alcide’s doorway. The dude and his little-man-complex are not happy, but Alcide says he better step off, just the same. Leather Dude wedges his foot in Alcide’s door and says that he’s the Pack Master of Shreveport and Alcide and Debbie have been living there nigh on four months and haven’t dropped in at the lodge for canasta once. Alcide says they’re currently exploring free agency and that it’s working for them, thanks. Leather Dude menaces, Alcide and his tank top exude alpha maleness and Leather Dude skulks back to his chopper as Alcide snaps off the porch light and broods.
Tommy and Sam “Goodbye Earl” their parents’ corpses down to the river. Tommy worries that he’s going to hell, but Sam assures him there isn’t a hell (or at least not one worse than Tommy’s already seen). Tommy little-brothers that there is so a hell, and he killed both of his parents and he’s going to burn! He Heston’s that it’s in the Ten Commandments – don’t kill shit and don’t fuck with your parents. They throw Joe Lee in the swamp and then Tommy turns toward Mama, baring her face and kissing her forehead before tossing her into the drink as well. Tommy grieves. Sam says that killing is okay in war, and for self-defense, and that Tommy has been at war with his parents. Tommy sniffles whatever, you don’t get it; you never killed anybody. Sam shrug philosophically that he’s killed two people and he’s okay. Sam says he did it because they stole from him, and he figured if they broke one commandment, he could break another. Stop, Sam, you’re really giving Rick Santorum’s slippery slope arguments mileage. Tommy notices the bodies aren’t sinking, but Sam assures him they don’t have to and tosses some marshmallows in after them. Grodiest. S’mores. Ever. The gators come like something out of a Toadies video and chomp Mama and Joe Lee the heck up.
Arlene and Terry moan and groan in the sheets in a fury of clothed married sex. They realize that all is calm and all is bright. Arlene thinks that everything can turn out okay now and life can stop kicking her in the teeth. Terry tells her, baby, I look at you and I know that everything has already turned out all right. I give Terry e-hugs and then a pack of matches bursts into flame on the chiffarobe.
Jason lies in bed and Jessica crawls up from underneath the covers to smile at him. She nibbles on his neck and Jason moans, getting into it. I suppose that vamp blood sex magik can trump recent rape on Jason’s part, but damn. Jason tells Jessica that they can’t, because Hoyt is his best friend, and Jessica whimpers. Then an idea occurs and Jason asks Jessica if it’s all just a dream (showing that Jason can, at times, be more self-aware than Sookie), and she agrees. They begin to kiss and groan and Jessica says, “You know who loves this? Hoyt!” Jessica gets more naked but continues to enumerate all the ways that Hoyt Fortenberry likes his lovin’, deflating Jason’s enthusiasm a bit. Suddenly, Hoyt pops up bedside, worriedly watching each gyration of Jessica’s hips. As Jessica says she wants to taste Jason, Hoyt worries that must mean she really likes Jason. Jason asks Hoyt to piss off and leave them alone, but Hoyt keeps up his color commentary. Jessica gets her cowgirl action on and repeatedly calls Jason ‘Hoyt’ which Jason just as repeatedly corrects. Suddenly, Jessica turns into a naked Hoyt mid-ride. Jason awakes abruptly with a horrified, “Oh, my gravy.” Perhaps Jason, Sookie and Sam could round table a discussion on Vamp Dreams: Projection or Preference Revealed?
Eric asks Sookie if he really did all the bad things the pretty mean lady said. He asks why, if they’re true, she lets him stay with her. She says she always knew there was decency in him, even when he was being a sarcastic ass. Eric emos that Sookie has a light in her and it’s beautiful, and he couldn’t bear it if he snuffed it out. He and his hoodie of sadness head out into the night. Sookie follows and asks him not to go. She holds out her arms to him and they embrace. She rubs her cheek against his in a subtly girlish kiss-me-now move. Eric has forgotten all the game he had, though, so Sookie looks him the eyes and then kisses him. As they kiss frantically, the soundtrack gets unusually spritely; we’re talking Chopin on speed.
Bill convenes the last four remaining sheriffs in LA. He tells him about the Wiccans and Eric’s disappearance. One of the sheriffs giggles at the thought of witches and Bill chokes some respect into him. Bill delegates to a Spanish sheriff, Luis, the 400 year old Inquisition story he loves so much. As Bill mouths along to the words, we learn that the witch in question, Marnie’s benevolent spirit, is named Antonia. As she was burned at the stake, Antonia used necromancy to pull vampires in a 20 mile radius into the daylight, including nuns and priests, Luis’s maker among them. It seems that vampires infiltrated the canonry back when it was the seat of power. They’ve continued that tradition to this day, right up to Google and a very fish-in-a-barrel FOX News joke. Pam continues to molt while the sheriffs sing a chorus of the Queens of the Stone Age’s “Burn the Witch.” Bill advises them that if they kill Marnie, they lose the hope of getting Eric back or un-fuglying Pam. Pam loses her shit (as well as an ear) and demands to at least torture Marnie, since she made Pam rot and erased Eric’s memory. Pam’s lost some facial features, but not her own memory, and she quickly realizes that verbal fart. Bill grabs her and demands to know how she knew that, and where Eric is. The jig irredeemably up, Pam grimaces that he’s at Sookie’s. Bill draws himself up, full of sound and fury, and whooshes out in a tizzy as the sheriffs look on in shock. Pam quietly apologizes to Eric for what is destined to be the greatest cockblock of them all.