The Bachelorette: Season Ashley; The Finale

“Tonight on the dramatic season finale of the Bachelorette…When Ashley faces the biggest decision of her life. Who will she choose?”

It’s like Mr. Overpaid hasn’t even watched this season. Who will she choose? Bah! Let’s see, she spent the entire season dry humping JP while her tongue has yet to touch Ben’s. He’s in the final two…and she’s never played tonsil hockey with the boy…

So in case you haven’t been paying attention children, Ashley chooses JP. Sorry if you were waiting to the end of my recap to find out.

In this episode, Ashley’s family is flown to Fiji so they can meet both boys. We hear how her family’s opinion means the world to her, but her sister Chrystie’s opinion is the most important of them all. Chrystie is Amy Winehouse (RIP) reincarnated. I am not even kidding. Well, she’s a prettier, healthier, undead version (too soon?) of Amy, but still she kinda goes a little crackhead crazy on Ashley at one point.

We start off with the family peppering Ashley with questions and Ashley just happily answering them. Chyrstie asks, “Are you in love?” and without hestitating, Ashley answers yes.

Chrystie is skeptical because Ashley was a reject from Season Brad. Ashley chose Brad, he chose to dump her. Sister Chrystie says she has her sister’s best interest at heart and says she’ll believe it when she sees it. She says I hope I like them, because if I don’t like them, I’ll let them know.

Okay, the one thing that cracks me up about this segment is at one point Ashley says, she’s in love and ready to be engaged when this is all over. 5 minutes later, she’s asked “Do you have your mind made up?” and Ashley says “I thought I did, but I don’t.”

WTF? I just got whiplash.

Chrystie meets JP and doesn’t believe he’s the one becasue she “just doesn’t see it.” After what seems like 2 seconds she forms an opinion that she isn’t willing to bend on. She asks if JP makes Ashley laugh and Ashley hesitates a little before she answers and that is the deal breaker for Chrystie who then begins to act like a crackhead. (I kept hearing Whitney Houston KISS MY ASS ┬áin my head every time Chrystie spoke.) She absolutely acted like a total horse’s ass. She didn’t take any one-on-one time with JP but had no problem Ashley that she’s “too much for him.” That she’s young and fun and he’s an old crotchety fuck who’s set in his ways. She keeps talking like he’s 80 years old and Ashley is 15. The man is 34 and Ashley is 26. Apparently he’s ready to retire in Florida with the rest of the snowbirds. Ashley starts crying and says to Chrystie “You haven’t even talked to him yet.” Chrystie’s like, “Yeah. Sorry. Whatever. Don’t like him.”

Chrystie decides to have her alone time with JP and pretty much tells him he ain’t the one, sorry bud. She’s skeptical of their relationship and usually trusts Ashley but this time, she ain’t feelin’ it. JP is pissed. And rightfully so. I wonder if she’d met Super Douche Bentely(gag) how she would have judged him….

Anyway, everyone else in the family loves JP and thinks Chrystie needs to put down the crackpipe. Her stepdad tells Ashley to go with what she feels and fuck her sister don’t worry about Chrystie’s opinion because she’s obviously snorting Drano.

Ashley has another talk with Chrystie and tries to explain that she was nervous because she wanted them to like him so much. Chrystie is all “I’m the rational one, you’re not. Suck it up, sister.” Okay, I get Chrystie’s point, but shit woman, let it go. Then Ashley tells her “You’re being such a bitch.” and Chrystie doesn’t back down. “Sorry I’m not telling you want you want to hear.”

Sweet Moses. Just shut your cake hole and get back to Extreme Couponing. (yes, she’s an extreme couponer and has been featured on the TLC show. She also runs a couponing website (FTR she totally redeems herself during After The Final Rose)

The family loves Ben, too and Chrystie totally acts like Sally Sunshine with him. It probably didn’t hurt that Ben gave in to their begging and did his “doggy” voice for them (the voice he talks to his dog in). There’s a lot of laughter.

Chrystie’s meeting with “Benny Benny Boo” as she calls him, goes much better than her meeting with JP. She lobs softballs made of marshmallows at him. JP is still bruised and broken from the cannonballs she pummeled him with.

Okay, the rest of the show is basically the producers trying to convince you that Ben has a shot. The thing is, I started to feel sorry for Ben because A: he’s a good guy even if he is a douchetestant B: he seemed to really fall for Ashley and there is no way this was going to end well for him. At one point he said something like “This time tomorrow Ashley I will be engaged.” and seriously, I nearly stopped watching because I could see he really believed it.

But out of my loyalty to you guys, I powered through.

Ben tells Ashley he got a blessing from her parents to ask her to marry him and then he told her that he had fallen in love with her. And Ashley smiled kissed him sweetly and Ben said “Based on that kiss, I believe Ashley is telling me she loves me the only way she can right now.” Sigh. This is when I truly hate this show. It’s not often that we get down to the final 2 Douchetestants that I actually feel sorry for the rejected. But watching Ben confess he is going to be with Ashley forever…broke my cold, black heart.

Her final date with JP was completely different. They talk about Chrystie and how she totally went psycho hosebeast on him. He feels scarred by it and is concerned that Ashley will feel differently because of Chrystie’s opinion.

JP admits Ashley’s stepdad gave him a piece of advice. “Don’t leave anything off the table. If you feel something, tell her how you feel.” JP says he told her entire family that he’s madly in love with her and he has been for a long time and he’s been dying to tell her.

And this is when you KNOW without a doubt that Ashley is choosing JP. Her reaction to Ben’s admission of love was different. It was sweet but reserved–almost forced. When JP told her he loved her, she made a little noise, smiled, and leaned over framed his face and said “You’re the best boy ever.” Before shoving her tongue down his throat.

Before the end of their date, JP gives Ashley a gift that he made (Ben totally needed to step up his game here). He made her a notebook with a picture of the two of them and a Chapter 1 love note. It was so romantic and she is totally done for.

The boys go ring shopping, get love advice from the jeweler then get dressed up and ready to propose.

And here’s the most painful part of all…watching Ben get crushed. He gets off the plane, looking rather dapper. The first thing he says after he hugs her is “You don’t have a ring on your finger!” And the pain that flashes across her face should have stopped him from moving forward. It didn’t so Ashley tries to stop Ben from proposing, but he powers through. He gets on one knee, pulls out a beautiful ring, and takes a huge breath and says “will you marry me and make me the happiest man on earth.” And then we hear crickets. And she says, “I’m sorry.”

He really tries to hold it together. “Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.” She stammers a bit and says “This is not easy.” And Ben snaps, “I know it’s not easy. I guess this is it, right?” And he walks away. Ashley chases him down saying “I wanna talk things through. I want you to know that I feel so blessed to have met you…” and I love Ben here because he responds, “What I don’t need you to do is sugar coat it. That’s what I don’t need.”

Ashley then continues to make things worse (not that break ups are ever easy) by saying “I never thought we’d say goodbye like this. Not on these terms.” Ben actually laughs because that was just an absurd thing to say.

“What kind of terms? You can’t leave something like this on good terms, it’s not possible. I’m in shock. Good things don’t end unless they end badly.” He pauses then adds, “JP’s a wonderful guy. I’m sure you’ll have a nice life together.” And he couldn’t hide the bitter when he said those final words and it really did break my heart for him.

It really is cruel concept you know. Two guys enter with a ring, one guy leaves with a ring and a broken heart.

Ben gets on the rejection row boat and is whisked away.

After the commercial break, everything is all better. JP gets off the plane, they share a moment, he proposes and they kiss and it’s like Ben wasn’t even there a few minutes ago.

And we end the show with REO Speedwagon’s I CAN’T FIND FIGHT THIS FEELING (because that’s the song they couple-skated to on his hometown date) and we see all sorts of highlights of them throughout the season.

I’m going to do an After the Final Rose short recap separately because damn this is a lot of schlock for one post.