Project Runway 9.1; Come As You Are

Kurt Cobain rolled over in his grave at the title of this episode, but I’ve had a rocking ear worm, so I’m not complaining…

This episode’s guest judge is Christina Ricci and right off the bat I’m thinking “What was the last thing I saw her in…Penelope? Speed Racer? Beetlejuice? sorry, wrong Emo Girl.

Tim and Heidi tell us they are going to shake things up a bit this year. They have invited 20 designers to show their best work (so far sounds the same) but before they move forward, they have to prove themselves to the toughest judges of all. Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, Heidi Klum, and Tim Gunn. Again. sounds the same.

Ah! but the catch is this season 20 designers will arrive, but only 16 will move forward! They’re gonna grab their pinking shears and cut some bitches right off the bat!

Oh the Gay! Can I just tell you how much I love a room full of the Gay? We’re about to taste the rainbow folks!

Let’s get it started. First up is Kimberly Goldson, from White Plains, MD. She’s showing off her big yellow bow pants, her “New favorites.” She is designing for the Urban girl. You know the one who works out in a sequin tank top? Michael Kors came a little in his pleat-free pants because that is his favorite girl of all.

The first of the Gays is Bryce Black, from Portland, OR. Dude. Revenge of the Nerds called and they are pissed about the Poindexter copyright infringement. You stole his look, bro! Give it back or they will sue! He pulls out a giant feather jacket that looks like he killed a crow and glued the feathers over football pads. Heidi put it on and tackled Nina Garcia, but there was a flag on the play and Michael made her take the feathery madness off. Bryce squealed and did the dance of joy because Heidi wore his feathers. His life is complete.

Once upon a time there was a young girl who always wanted to be Miss Universe and on Project Runway. Anya Ayoung-Chee’s dreams are all coming true. I hope she also bought a lottery ticket because that girl is walking around lucky. She was Miss Trinidad and designed many of her own clothes for the Miss Universe pagent. Anya did not know how to sew until four months ago when she applied for the show. Tim Gunn is “baffled” and must do a quality inspection right away. He says the sewing is masterful and doesn’t “want to question her credibility” but sister please. No WAY did you sew this by yourself after only four months of training. She admits she had “a lot of help” and all the judges jump up and gnaw her stringy pageantry meat right off her bones. “You will not have any help in this competition!” Tim is horrified because this is a big handicap. Tim spits out some gristle and says patooey. Heidi wants to give her a chance.

Becky Ross, also from Portland, OR and not to be confused with Betsey, is an edgy 38 year old with blue-streaked platinum hair. We briefly see a funky jacket before they move on to our next gay.

Oliver Green, New York, NY. Heidi falls in love with him and doesn’t even need to see anything after the shirt with the “boob window” and thinks Oliver is so cute she just wants to wear him as an accessory.

Josh Christensen, Los Angeles, CA. He does mostly menswear but has a crowning acheivment of an ugly red dress. I think it’s a dress, but it could be a sculpture. He supports himself with his trade and says he’d rather be broke than go back to being a banker. There is no indication of whether the judges liked his red dress-sculpture thingy or not. Just crickets when the judges hear he was a banker. Maybe they thought he said wanker? Not sure why they were so stunned by his former profession.

Laura Kathleen is in the house, representin’ St. Louis, MO. She shows a beautiful bright green dress and Michael is all about a midwest girl who loves color. Nina is all “It’s like Florida threw up on you. Too much color.” And Laura (who is wearing an awesome necklace of which I also happen to own) starts to argue with Nina. Nina glares at her with her devil eyes and purses her lips to stop herself from igniting the clueless wonder with her fire-breathing skills.

David Chum, from Boston, MA likes to make clothes that are distinct but wearable. Nina only sees the same the same shapes and dead people. Probably the ghosts of contestants past. David also tries to convince her that he’s got it going on, but Nina doesn’t seem convinced. Michael just gives him a deadpan glare. Or maybe he’s looking at the dead people, too, I can’t really tell.

Viktor Luna, New York, NY starts off showing a shirt that Romy and Michelle would totally claim was their design. He says he realizes his style is a bit 80s but if you pair it with “something” it looks a little more modern and chic. Tim’s brow is so furrowed, I think his assistant probably had his Botox syringed up and and ready to go at the break.

Julie Tierney, Grand Junction, CO is showing a collection of things made from blankets. I’m not even kidding. You know those woven blankets you can buy for $10 at every southern and midwestern convenience store? We always called them “Indian” blankets growing up. She is seriously making dresses out of them. Or that should probably be “dresses.” it’s an “outerwear” collection and Nina says “You have a passion for outerwear, clearly.” What I heard in my head was “You have a horse blanket fetish.”

Amanda Perna, New York, NY is next in the hot seat. Heidi asks what her most favorite piece is and she turns to look and answers like she is a sorority girl who got into college because her daddy could afford to buy off the admissions team. “It’s probably the romper.” Remember Valley Girl? Say it like that and you’ll have her voice in your head. “But I don’t like rompers to be honest, so I made it like a dress instead.” Tim is visibly confused. I’m jabbing an ice pick in my ear.

Fallene Wells, Denver. CO pulls out a dress made of pheasant (I think) feathers. Her main objective is to make men’s apparel for women and I’m left to wonder if she only hangs out with Drag Queens because I’ve never seen any other man wear that many feathers. Or any feathers. Except Yankee Doodle and the Three Musketeers but those were only in their caps.

The gayest of all the gays is Gunnar Deatherage from Louisville, KY. Heidi wants to see his look for an average woman. I’m expecting him to pull out yoga pants and a sweatshirt in a size L (or possibly XL, if it’s Thanksgiving) Instead he pulls out this pastel pink dress made from satin sheets, crystals, and broken dreams. I need to go to Louisville and meet some of his average woman peer group.

Danielle Everine, Minneapolis, MN has designed a sheer line. Heidi wants to know why she should be on Project Runway and she tosses her Little House on the Prarie bedtime braid and says “I’m a really good competitor. I can make anything.”

Joshua McKinley, New York, NY pulls out a half-vest that kinda looks like a picture of a bookshelf. I thought it might be for a gay biker but he says his customer is a woman. Hmmm. I’m not convinced and judging by the judge’s faces, neither are they.

Cecilia Motwani, Woodside, NY pulls out a tux shirt and a plain dress. The judges don’t care. I’m pretty sure you can rent the same thing from David’s Bridal.

Rafael Cox, from the ATL! wearing his molestache and soul patch and trying to focus on his aesthetic and says that Nina was sexing him up with her eyes. Obviously, he was confused.

Serena Da Conceicao, Brooklyn NY reminded my of Rae Dawn Chong in her Soul Man days… and that’s really all that matters because she showed one romper, and the judges didn’t seem motivated one way or another.

However, it should be noted that Rae Dawn postponed her wedding in Iceland for this “chance of a lifetime.”

Bert Keeter, Los Angeles, CA introduces himself as 102 years old but really he’s 57. He hasn’t designed in a long time. Started in 1978 and stopped in 1992 when his partner of 18 years died of Aids. He turned to the bottle…is sober now for 3 years, and ready to be creative again. Don’t ask me about his clothing, because I have no idea.

Anthony Ryan Auld, Baton Rouge, LA was diagnosed with testicular cancer in 2008 and is “rockin’ one now.” Everything is at stake for him. Heidi wants the scarf he’s wearing. He likes fun and quirky and he’s colorblind so this could be fun…

The judges debate while all the designers buzz around like worried worker bee. Enter Heidi and Tim “It’s time to find out who is in, and who is out.” Even the crickets are silenced.

As is the way of these shows, they take their time telling the group who is in and who is auf! Heidi dramatically calls name after name, saying “You’re in.” and you sense the room relaxing because maybe they are all safe…but no. First to go, is Gay David. Apparently Nina couldn’t get past seeing the same shapes and dead people auf Wiedersehen, David!

Tension is back! And the next to go is Mr. Satin Sheets and broken dreams himself, Gunnar Deatherage.

We get a slight reprieve from rejection rick rack with a “You’re in.” But the reprieve is short lived, when our New York Valley Girl, Amanda is asked to take her rompers and run. Like now. And gag me with a spoon. Totally. And in her private interview, she did her own version of “I’m good enough, I’m strong enough, and doggone it, people should like what I sew!”

Anya is in, even though she can’t really sew. Taking bets now on how long she lasts…

Bert the 102 (not really) year old designer is in! Uh oh, that leaves Cecilia and Rae Dawn Serena…one will be in, one will be out. Looks like Rae Dawn shouldn’t have postponed her Icelandic “I do’s” after all…cuz Heidi just told her “I don’t.”

They booze it up before they head to Atlas. Unpack and settle in and get ready for season 9!

The next morning, Tim roosters them all out of bed at 5:00 AM. “Wake up! Rise and Shine! Rally!” It’s a Project Runway come as you are party. Grab a sheet and lets go. Tim even told them they can’t put on a bra. Sorry, but Time Square doesn’t need to see my girls in all their floppity glory.

They get to the workroom and Tim shows them around and does the appropriate product placement before telling their first challenge will be to create something from their PJs and the sheet they brought. They have bits and goodies to choose from to help them along, but no other materials. They’re given scrubs to wear because Lifetime does not want to be responsible for someone accidentally sewing their franks and beans into the garment.

They have until 10:00 PM to finish their masterpieces.

Taste the Rainbow!

Fallene is wearing a puking clown t-shirt (he’s puking rainbows…so he literally is tasting the rainbow! har har). She says the puking clown really is her personality and starts cutting that bad boy out.

Laura is wearing a satiny nighty and robe and she’s all excited because she has a lot to work with. Bert is planning to use his checkered boxers as a dress bodice.

Anya (Little Miss I taught myself to sew in 4 months) can’t thread her sewing machine. Also, she’s making pants and she’s never made pants before. Oh goody! I can’t wait to see how much Botox Tim is going to require to fix his brow after he sees this!

The group is talking about Bert using his underwear as a bodice and one of the girl’s comments, “Your model’s gonna be wearing nut juice.” Everyone groans and she’s all “It’s natural people! What?” And then I check to see if she’s shaved her goodies or if she’s rocking the full on 70s bush because, hey…it’s natural…

Tim enters to do his first evals. Tim doesn’t like Anthony’s placement of feathers and actually calls it a “Pubic Patch.” Best Tim Gunn Quote ever.
He sees Fallene’s clown and all he can say is “Is that a toilet?”

Next up, Julie…who’s making “snowboardy-esque pants.” Tim seems to like the idea even though they’re made from PJ pants a 5 year old would wear.

Oh here’s Anya! And Tim’s actually quite impressed with her ambitious project! Wow. Girl may have skillz.

Tim is concerned with Rafael. He wants Rafael to use his head scarf. Rafael won’t remove it because his hair is hot mess. Take of the scarf and drape it or you’re going home,girl boy! Rafael has decided to fight for his place…but he still hasn’t taken off the scarf. He’s really fighting for his right to good hair.

Runway Day and everyone is nervous. They get “precious little” time to finish up, do a final fitting, send their models to the make up room and salon. And remember! Use your accessories well!

Rafael finally decides to make a “necklace” from his headscarf. Also if this hair is his good hair, I’m thinking he should keep the scarf on permanently.

Heidi walks onto the runway, welcomes the designers with her trademark: As you know, one day you’re in and the next day you’re out! She goes through all the awesome prizes and product placement. The winner of this challenge receives immunity. She introduces the judges, including Christina Ricci who is soon to be seen in ABC’s series Pan Am.

Let’s start the show.

I’m not going to go through all 16 designs, but I am going to tell you my favorite outfits and just see how different my opinion is from the judges(they (the judges) are quite often VERY wrong, btw), I loved the puking clown. And that’s something I never tought I’d say. Also, Bert’s nut juice outfit really came out beautifully. Anya’s silk pants and top looked amazing, and she’s just as surprised as I am. I think the winner will be Bert or Anya.

My least favorite outfits were Viktor Luna’s black and white button down dress. Bo-Ring- but he’ll be safe. Julie’s “snowboard-esque” outfit was a suckfest. I also am not a fan of Kimberly’s weird bib shirt and ill fitting pants. And Rafael’s high-waisted stretch pants with headpice necklace was awful. He did do some fabulous detail work on the shirt, which might save him–but the seamed stretch pants or so bad, he may go home. Josh’s outfit didn’t fit her at all. It was ugly and poorly made.

Now for the judges’ opinions:

Top scores:

Anthony Ryan–(micro-mini and striped t-shirt) Heidi likes how he changed his pjs into the outfit; Michael is amazed he’s colorblind because the colors look amazing together; Nina & Christina likes the trimmings and even though the skirt is way short, it works on the model. (FTR: this was a “meh” outfit for me. I thought he would have been in the safe group but not in top three)

Anya (pants and halter) Nina says both pieces are extraordinary. Heidi is relieved she can sew because she was rooting for her. Christina wants the top; Michael just keeps saying GREAT! GREAT! GREAT!

Bert: (Nut Juice bodice dress) Heidi is in love with this outfit. LOVE she says! Nina: calls it adorable; Christina calls it pretty; Michael is a big fan of the tones but hates the styling of her hair and make up.

Lowest scores:

Rafael (high-wasted stretch pants with a seam down the front and white shirt with the headscarf necklace) Heidi sees a lot of problems with this outfit. What grown up wants to walk around with a bib? She looks awful in that outfit. Michael calls the necklace a “Flintstone disco pouch”; Nina calls it dated and ill fitting; Christina hates the pants, but loves the detail in the shirt.

Julie: (snow pant and off shoulder t-shirt) Heidi had high expectations and the whole outfit is just bad. Christina is confused. The shirt is charming but she wouldn’t wear it. Nina’s problem is the poor construction of the pants, and Michael thinks the pocket placement is poor.

Josh: (little jacket hoodie, sports shorts and t-shirt) Christina asked if he was happy with the fit on his model; Heidi doesn’t know which one is worse between his and Rafael’s; Michael tells him it’s about his gut feelings and his gut was messed up; Nina is insenced that he showed an ill-fitting pair of shorts and tank top.

And the winner is: BERT AND HIS NUT JUICE DRESS! Wooohoo!

My Nut Juice brings all the boys to the yard!

Anya and Anthony Ryan, you’re in. You can leave the runway.

Josh, Julie, Rafael your designs were clearly less successful. Julie–(dramatic pause) You’re in. You can leave the runway.

Josh———very dramatic pause———-you’re in. But barely.

Rafael, that means you and your hot mess hair is out. auf Wiedersehen

Tears in the workroom, I know it’s only been a day, but we’re gonna miss you and your hot mess hairs!