AVL commando Katerina aka Katie comes downstairs to the holding cells, gaming hardcore with her zombie kills. She hears Marnie crying for help and finds Luis, fangs out, with ‘Marnie’ pinned against the wall. Luis, who has been thralled into Antonia’s meat puppet, vamp speeds Katerina and disarms her. Luis glamours Katerina and instructs her to send the guards away from the back entrance. Antonia has Luis kill Katie for betraying Marnie’s coven and then tells Luis to inform King Bill that Antonia don Diego de la Vega has returned! With his Inquisition-kink, Bill’s going to be so excited! It’s gonna be like Colonial Williamsburg: living history!
Pam has Tara pinned down on the ground with Naomi piggy-backing her to try to give Tara a chance to tap out, but Pam, true to type, is not observing international cage fighting ordinances. Pam dithers over whether to kill Tara or Naomi first, but decides it would be more fun for Tara to watch her girlfriend die. Naomi gets off a decent roundhouse kick (I think, I’m behind on my Norris) but she’s no match for Pam’s fangs and ire. Tara gets the jump on Pam and Pam retaliates with that one-handed lift-and-choke that Darla was so fond of on “Angel” (there’s a reason it’s a classic). They hear a clicking sound that doesn’t appear to be emanating from Tara’s tortured throat and turn to see townsfolk with their cell cameras aimed a-fixin’ to put Pam on TMZ. Pam is so not camera-ready and has that underscored when she hears the crowd readying their zombie invasion plans. Still averting her face, Pam grits out, “I. Am. Not. A. Zombie!” and then drops Tara, telling her she doesn’t know when and she doesn’t know where, but she will hunt her down and shred her like confetti. That’s what I love about Pam – you never have to ask her to explicate.
Still holding a weakened Jesus, Lafayette hollers for Don Bartolo to let them up out of this bitch. Don Bartolo enters, annoyed at being interrupted whilst in the midst of marital congress with his May-December bride. Jesus staggers to his feet and tells Don Bartolo that he won’t become what his abuelito wants him to, and at least Don Bartolo’s dead son, Luca, cared enough about Jesus to come back and save him. “Luca?” Bartolo asks in a perfect example of not-surprise as he eyes Lafayette knowingly. “How did he get here?” Jesus eye-rolls that duh, he knew Lafayette was a medium and Lafayette sees that ‘duh’ and raises with a ‘huh?’ of his own. Jesus hissy-fits that yes, yes, everyone here has more magic than a herd of Hufflepuffs, but what he doesn’t understand is how Granddaddy Shaman would sacrifice him just to prove a point. Don Bartolo tells him to bring it down a thousand; he wasn’t proving it to Jesus, but to Lafayette. He all but hums a few bars of Heart’s “Magic Man” while even the tips of Lafayette’s hair vibrate with an “Aw, hell nah.”
Debbie and Alcide are at the Werewolf Jamboree where their initiation ends with a human-voiced wolf howl so on-the-nose that Alcide looks pained. Debbie is so ecstatic that she all but clicks the heels of her stripper boots, but Alcide is a worried lump on a log about Sookie. Debbie’s sure that Sookie will be okay, and her eyeliner is narrowing in a way that means Alcide should really keep his mind on the pelt he has at home. Her face softens (she’s not bad, she’s just made up that way) and agrees they can spare 10 minutes to look for Sookie. Yeah, that won’t be awkward at all. Alcide catches the scent (and I won’t spend any more time deconstructing that, but you feel free to) and he and Debbie peer through the bushes to get an eyeful of Eric’s moonlight mile. Sookie moans like Eric’s the big, big bad and Alcide’s face darkens while I can’t tell if Debbie is envious, relieved or just digesting a bit of underdone venison.
Bill decants a bit of the red for himself while Sheriff Luis comes in to give him the Marnie-is-Antonia 411. Bill boggles in horror at the possibility, but Luis answers that all things are possible and nails him with a wooden bullet. Bill goes for his own Ben Wa shooter and gets a shot off before Luis lunges for the silver phallus of glory and they grapple for it. Bill gets the upper hand and asks Luis where Antonia is. Luis stabs himself and crumbles away with a gasp of, “Resurrection.” Bill is up to his elbows in Luis viscera and up to the eyebrows in deep doo-doo.
Tara and Naomi park it in Naomi’s jeep, and Tara tells Naomi she can’t leave with her. Naomi has decided that she doesn’t like ‘Tara,’ but that’s okay, because Tara obviously doesn’t either, so they should just floor it and leave her behind. Tara stone-faces that she can’t; there’s nowhere on earth she can run from Pam (and New Orleans is the worst of all possible scenarios: Pam could make the kill and get the souvenir hurricane glass). Tara warns Naomi that everyone who has ever been with her has ended up dead. Naomi argues for the chance to make her own choices, but Tara refuses to have Naomi’s blood on her hands. Naomi’s love isn’t enough to counteract the very real threat of Naomi’s death-by-Pam, so Tara sends her on her way and then sobs brokenly beneath Merlotte’s neon moon.
Jason Iron Mans some shirtless calisthenics while being bombarded with fantasies of Jessica. There’s a knock at the door and Jason fears Jessica’s keyed into all of his frequencies, but it’s Hoyt, which is both better and worse in some respects. Wow, Hoyt’s seriously tall; did we know Hoyt was seriously tall? Hoyt says things still aren’t great with Jessica, but when Jason consoles him that Hoyt can trust Jessica, Hoyt answers that it’s Jason he’s worried about. Jason has guilt written on his face that even Tommy could read, but it turns out that Hoyt’s really been concerned about that whole rape-slash-almost-a-werepanther thing that Jason went through. Guilt is compounded by guilt, almost overloading Jason’s fragile self-awareness as Hoyt says that he knows Jessica is slipping away from him. At a loss, Jason offers him Sloppy Joes. Hoyt’s serious like whoa that it will kill him if he loses Jess, but Jason still has nothing to offer but the sandwich that eats like a meal.
Jessica is at Bill’s looking at his blood-stained, bullet-holed shirt like it’s the Shroud of Turin. She asks who this Antonia Inigo Montoya is, anyway, and Bill gravely geeks out that she’s the only human known to wield power over vampires. She died over 400 years ago, but he could see her influence on Luis – she’s back, she’s bad and she’s hitched a witch to ride in on. He believes that, with her immortal powers combined with Marnie’s corporeal ones, she wants to make all vampires meet the sun. Jessica answers that that’s insane, there are millions of vampires. Bill continues to build on Jessica’s understanding of stratagem by informing her that vengeance rarely concerns itself with logistics. (Bill played a lot of Risk as a fledge.)
Bill rounds up his sheriffs (sans Eric and Luis, of course) and instructs them to tell their constituents to leave the state. Those who stay will have to do the voodoo he do: bind themselves in silver to keep them in their coffins. The sheriffs argue that their not inconsiderable offense is the best defense, but Bill is certain that it’s the only way to survive the retribution that Antonia’s about to rain down.
Eric and Sookie fall to the floor at her house still joined at the hip. The image of them walking back from the woods stuck together like two Pomeranians is a delightful one. They Kama Sutra their way room to room, and then share a post shag giggle about leaving their clothes in the woods (avast and farewell, basketball shorts!) . Even though we’ve just seen them butt-nekkid and in the 3 major positions, they’re still doing the soap opera half-sheet thing in bed with her bosom decorously covered and his half arranged around his hips just so. Eric can hear Sookie’s heartbeat, and she didn’t even say a word. He says that her heart beats for him and she gives him props on his heart racing skills. He asks if she wants him to get his memories back, and she says yes, but she doesn’t want him to change. He warns her that it would change him and then asks if she’ll still want him when he returns to Eric the Viking. She’s uncertain, but she hopes with glitter hearts that she will. Well, I wish them the best, but Sookie could barely handle Bill at his most antediluvian, Lord knows what she’d do with Eric and his chamber of strippers.
Dr. Ludwig, physician of the night, has Pam in a full body wrap the likes of which you’ll never see at Canyon Ranch. In other words: I don’t think that’s seaweed. Dr. Ludwig rips the wrap off and it removes unwanted hair, cellulite and oh, yeah, skin! The best Dr Ludwig can do is remove the outside rot; the decomp on the inside continues unabated because, dammit, Pam, she’s a doctor, not a witch-woman! “I can make you look pretty again,” Dr Ludwig says, “or at least what you looked like before, whatever you call that.” Haha, someone’s judgy of the bondage gear. Pam will have to take six intravenous shots four times a day…forever. Wow, and I thought my moisturizing regimen was intense; we’re talking Cindy Crawford levels of maintenance, here. But hey, Dr Ludwig can hook her up with a Sam’s or Costco membership so she can get those in bulk!
Sam is at Tommy’s beside in the hospital getting a food poisoning diagnosis from the doc. The doctor wants to keep Tommy for observation due to his fever. Tommy says that he’s naturally warm, the whole family is. Sam agrees and the doc gives him an unnecessary face grope. Well, Sam is looking particularly fetching today.
Sookie bounces to the door to greet Bill. Her just-been-nailed glow is as glaring to Bill’s eyes as the coming sunlight he’s dreading, but she gives him a multi-laden, “hey,” in gratitude for his release of Eric (which lead to her own release by Eric). Eric saunters in, a vision in bare feet and flannel, and gives Bill a “your majesty” tug of the forelock (I mean he bowed, pervs). Bill euphemizes that it appears their reunion was a happy one. New!Eric responds with a restrained ‘very much so,’ but Sookie shushes him as if he gave Bill a ‘tapped that all night long, bro!’ high-five. Bill warns them of the Marnie-is-Antonia situation and says that Eric would be safest with him. Sookie comes with a few more perky perks, though, so Eric’s not leaving her. Bill gives them a “congratulations on your hook-up!” set of silver chains because he was raised right. Bill warns Sookie that if she cares for Eric, she will chain him before sunrise but Sookie’s already passed the written on vamp bondage, so she nods agreeably.
Tara walks down a dark country road, swigging from a bottle like the sins of the mother revisited. She hears a noise and yells for Pam to come on out, she ain’t scared of her, no-how. Antonia strolls out of the woods and tells Tara to hush, she’ll wake the dead and we’re not at the third act yet. Tara’s a bit put off by ‘Marnie’s’ pretentious use of 3rd person, but Antonia informs her that Marnie doesn’t live here anymore. She tells Tara they are alike; they’ve both suffered at the hands of vampires. Antonia knows because she can see it in Tara’s face, in her rage, and she pulls Tara’s hand to her and gives Tara a vision of Antonia’s torment. Tara glares that, daily Eye of the Tiger workouts aside, she has no way of fighting back against vamps. Antonia tells her that she does: she can avenge their torment, but she can’t do it alone, she needs Tara. Tara asks where she needs to sign.
Things are getting ready to go to ground over at Bill’s. Jessica screams as she’s chained in silver and Bill kneels at her side, comforting her. Bill slips on some silver-blocking gloves and takes over the chaining to spare Jessica further pain. Meanwhile, a squid-colored but less grotty Pam lies in her pink Valley of the Dolls coffin while Fangtasia waitress Ginger gives her the last of her daily ‘feel pretty’ injections. Ginger covers Pam in silver chain mail as she closes the coffin on Pam’s screams.
Sookie double-wraps Eric in chains, telling him that he’s the strongest vampire she knows. She cries that she’s lost too many people in her life; she can’t lose him, too. She drapes the silver on his neck and winces as he hisses and smokes, telling him it will be dawn soon. Eric asks her to stay with him and she curls up by his side, kissing him through the bleeds and the sizzles.
Jesus and Lafayette sit in a cantina (or it could be a catfish shack, the geography on this show mystifies me) and talk about Tio Luca and his Gandalf-level skills. Jesus tells Lafayette that he and Marnie are the only people Jesus knows that can connect with the dead. He tells Lafayette that he doesn’t have a choice in having those powers, he is the answer. Lafayette doesn’t even want to know the question.
Sam calls Luna and gives her a “hey, beautiful” chat up. She gives him a little “are you serious?” back. Not wanting him to live in a realm of vague, she tells him to fuck off and hangs up.
Tara tries to recruit Holly for the vengeance circle, telling her the bigger the circle, the better their chances. Holly isn’t sure she wants to get involved, but Tara tells her she can run away and hide or stand her ground, and Holly taught her that. Hoisted on her own petard, Holly figures if they’re gonna go down, they’re gonna go down swingin’. The few remaining members of the coven convene around them and each promise to bring in at least one more person. Except the guy who sells energy drinks out of the back of his van – they represent his entire social circle.
Jess asks Bill what it’s going to feel like when the spell begins. Bill tells her they won’t be able to control their bodies, and since Jessica’s still just 17, she gets that. The camera angle goes dramatically spinny and Bill apologizes for the pain he’s caused Jessica. She tells him no, she’s lived more of a life with him than she ever had with her human parents. She says she never thanked him for that. Bill tells her that they’ll survive; she’ll have Hoyt to return to. Jess doesn’t know if she can go back to back to him. He loves her, but she doesn’t love him the same. If she was still human she thinks would, but she doesn’t have a human heart anymore. Bill assures her that she does. If she’s fallen out of love, it doesn’t mean she’s lost her humanity. Jess argues that a human is the reason they’re suffering now. Bill gets philosophical that all these years, vampires have indulged their murderous natures, how could they not expect reprisal? Jessica wants to kill Antonia first, but Bill says an eye for an eye won’t work this time. He says that when they survive, he’s going do good from now on, nothing but puppy rescues and living green and not mean. Jess says that he has done good – he made her. Meanwhile, when they survive, Jess is just gonna eat that fuckin’ witch, starting with her face. Bill barely restrains a proud papa smile, despite the Gandhi stuff he was planning earlier.
Eric tells Sookie the spell hasn’t come and it may not come at all. He asks Sookie to release the silver but she won’t take that chance and even safe words won’t sway her. Eric says he’d rather Sookie didn’t remember him like this and Sookie says she saw him under silver before, when he said he’d give his life up to save her and Godric. She says that even then, he was willing to die for her. “And still you didn’t love me,” Eric over-simplifies (to be fair, there’s a lot of perving he doesn’t remember). Sookie reminds him that there was a lot of other stuff at the time (*cough* Bill *cough*) but she’d rather not think about it. Eric tells her that he doesn’t want his memory back, that if she can forgive him who he was, he doesn’t want to remember. He’s perfectly happy now, as they are, and Sookie is too. It’s so sweet I’m getting a cavity.
Sam goes to Luna’s school and she tells him she’d have him thrown out if it weren’t for budget cuts. She tells him she’s a terrible judge of character, thank for the reminder, see ya, don’t wanna be ya. Sam is befuddled, as he thought they had a great time together. She asks if he’s been drinking or drugging or if, you know, he remembers the last 24 hours at all. He blinks, and she asks if he remembers sleeping with her and he says he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t forget that, tee-hee. She asks if he remembers kicking her out of his trailer and he says no, he was at his burned out shell of a 5-year plan when that happened. No one was at this trailer, unless his brother who, no isn’t his twin brother…oh. Sam twigs to the situation and asks Luna for the low-down when she skinwalked. The symptoms match and Sam and Luna reach the same awkward conclusion.
Arlene, with Mikey strapped to her back, turns in an order and then asks Holly why Andy Bellefleur is asking for her with a dozen Winn-Dixie roses? Holly grins and gives her boobs a first date fluff. Arlene warns her that she and Terry are currently shacked up with Andy and the whole fam, so if Holly’s thinking about getting lucky, things are gonna get a mite crowded. Arlene dishes on the lack of glamour of marrying into the Bellefleur clan, but Holly assures her she’s not looking for anything but a spot of company.
Holly goes out and greets a be-suited and flower-bedecked Andy. Andy tells her the flowers were on sale and they cop a squat on Merlotte’s most romantic slice of naugahyde. They make with the awkward and dance about Bon Temp’s better no-tell motels. Andy is V-less and off what would no doubt be game of Usher proportions. Holly asks if Andy’s okay and he manages to croak an uh huh before he tells her this was all a bad idea, grabs his roses and DT’s off to his V-connection.
Lafayette makes peek-a-boo faces at Mikey, who goggles in the distance like babies are known to do. Lafayette turns to see what’s caught Mikey’s attention and gets an eyeful of Mikey’s spirit lady standing behind him. Lafayette tells her to get out of his kitchen, but she shushes him and begins to croon in Cajun French to Mikey. Lafayette yells, startling a jumpy Arlene and allowing the ghost to disappear.
Alcide and Debbie groan in the sheets, and Alcide’s hip work is up there with Bill’s, but no idea on likewise stamina. Debbie has him flip and let her on top. She’s trying her best to get them there, but it’s just not happening. Alcide asks what’s wrong and she tells him she can’t stop thinking about walking in on Sookie and Eric (you’d think that would be inspirational, but hey) and then she asks if Alcide’s in love with Sookie. Alcide says that’s crazy and not true and other emphatic denials. Debbie asks why she’s feeling like this, then, and she sobs on his chest (it’s a good chest to have). Alcide says he worries for Sookie, but that’s as far as it goes. There’s only one girl he loves and she’s right there with him. Debbie asks if it’s forever and Alcide agrees as they kiss.
The witches gather at Moon Goddess and the candles come ablaze as Antonia gets ready to rumble. She tells them that she’s Antonia, who died at the hands of vamps 400 years ago, and that Marnie summoned her because they are once again at war and she can show them how to fight. A few witches bug out at that noise. Antonia tells them of Katie’s treachery and evil smiles that she has paid for it. She warns them that if they do nothing, they’ll be in a world of hurt. She’s real inspirational, telling them that vamps aren’t immortal; they’re just harder to kill. Human spirits, however, are immortal and therefore more badass. It’s a rousing speech and her witchlings (plus Tara) get ready to join hands and get their chant on.
Tommy sleeps on the couch and awakes to Sam watching him sleep in creepy vampire fashion. Sam says he needed to see if Tommy had any conscience left. Tommy plays dumb, and Sam asks if he was going to be Tommy’s next kill, since there can’t be two Sams running about. Tommy says that he can explain everything, but Sam doesn’t care, Tommy has made a fool of him for the last time. He pins Tommy to the couch and begins to choke him and Tommy swears he didn’t mean to and begs Sam. Sam lets him up and tells Tommy he has 10 minutes and then he’d better be gone forever.
The witches chant in Spanish with Antonia in the center of the circle. The wind howls and bells chime, and Antonia floats like a dirigible. A uniformed Jason goes to Sookie’s. She runs out to see him and he gives her the good news he didn’t turn into a werepanther, after all, thanks for checking. She nods quickly, “yeah, I asked, it doesn’t work like that, but it must be a relief!” Jason is a bit brought down that she isn’t more excited, and then notices that she’s covered in blood. She tells him it’s complicated, Eric’s under silver and she got a little bit of him on her (I bet she did). The spell comes swirling in on the whispering wind and Eric howls from the cubby. Sookie runs back to him and all of Jason’s neurons start firing at once as he realizes this means Jess is in danger, too!
Pam bangs inside her coffin and Ginger crawls on top of it to hold her down, shrieking as Pam boom, boom shakes the room. Jessica and Bill strain against their chains, because here comes the sun and they say it’s all right. Sookie holds Eric down as he yearns for the sun, begging her to take off the chains. Across town, Maxine Fortenberry’s vampire neighbor, Beulah, walks out into the sun and her hair curlers go up like unwatched Jiffy-Pop. Maxine glares beneath her sun bonnet and grits, “I knew it!”
Jessica breaks her silver chains. Bill might have gauged her strength level correctly, but he forgot to factor in the tenacity of teenagers. Bill gets enough control of his mind back to yell, “No” as she runs for the bars of the cage. She calls for the amusingly named AVL commando, Bucky, and tricks him into getting his keys by killing him a little and then unlocks the cell door. Bill invokes his maker-hood and commands Jessica to unchain him, too. Jessica considers him with wild eyes and then runs, leaving him chained and raging. Jessica crawls upstairs, weak from the silver and the bleeds. She drags herself to the doors as Jason runs across Bill’s expansive lawn to her rescue. Jason’s almost to the porch when he gets taken down by an AVL commando with a flying tackle. Jessica opens the double doors and the sunlight lights up her face as she gasps. Sun, sun, sun here it comes!