OMG, you guys, what did you do over the summer? I totally had a boyfriend from Canada, you wouldn’t know him, but we were like, so in love. So like, we have a new school year and we are going to rule the school. Junior year, hells to the [SLUSHIED.]
In honor of guest star Charice, our drink for the day: Sunshine’s Crack House!
The show is back and the ever helpful Jacob Ben Israel Sachs Breindel Moishe jams a flip-cam into everyone’s face to record “Glee’s Big Gay Summer.” Finn tells the camera he and Rachel are still together, and yes, she’s a controlist. “Controling,” she corrects.
Brittany spent the summer lost in the sewers, not “away” as has been falsely reported. [DRINK!] No word on whether a man with… beastly features stole her heart while she was trapped down there. Oh, and “the Asians” are dating. That’s Tina Cohen-Chang and Mike Chang, thank you. And I want them to marry and hyphenate so they’ll be the Cohen-Chang-Changs.
Meanwhile Will notices that there are no new sign ups for this year’s Glee Club. What the heck? Did New Directions not win Performunals and lose at InYourFaceathon? That should have inspired someone to at least sign their name. There’s not even a Dick Buttkiss or Your Mom. Sue isn’t shocked, though.
“Let me break it down for you: high school is a dry run for life. Not everyone can be a champion, not everyone should be a champion. We need fry cooks, bus drivers…”
Not so smarmy, Sue, because your budget is being cut. What?! THIS WILL NOT STAND. Figgins is unmoved. “Oh, Sue, six time champions should be able to get by without two confetti cannons.”
“Sure. You think your kids can get by without their daddy?”
Some large stranger is standing in the office during all of this. And she’s Coach Shannon Beiste, the replacement football coach. She’s getting Sue’s budget chunk as she’s the best football coach in the state. Five championships, and she shows off her rings.
“First of all,” Sue retorts, “a female football coach is like a male nurse – sin against nature.” Tough nuts, Sue, she’s staying.
The Gleeks decide to take matters into their own hands regarding recruitment. They go outside in miraculously appearing matching shirts (I’m assuming there’s an iron-on emergency station at the school) wearing gold chains like it’s 1987, and hats to the side. Well, it is suburban Ohio. They sing Alicia Keys, “Empire State of Mind,” and I love love love this version of the song.
But at first no one else does; no one is watching them. The Gleeks are jumping on tables, working the crowd, and it’s like some Jehovah’s Witnesses trying to pass out copies of the Watchtower on the streets of Manhattan. Mercedes and Santana turn it out [DRINK!] and we see a cute Filipino girl noticing them, and specifically Rachel. A boy that is ridiculously handsome (I mean, that is too much cute on one body) looks up and catches Finn’s eye, who smiles. (A thousand dreams in the Glee fan base were spawned with that look.) Kurt struggles with his hip hop dancing, bless. At least they intrigued two kids?
Sue and Will team up to throw Beiste out on her keister [DRINK!], thus returning the budget to where it belongs. I have no idea why Will would actually go along with this, but it’s important for some gags, so we’ll just buy it for now.
Finn hangs up some sick-ass sign-up sheets with camo skulls and guitars shooting flames and dragons eating big boobed virgins (because that looks more macho than glitter stars and a Broadway font) when he hears an okay voice from the showers. Uh oh, we’ve been here before, but at least it’s two teenagers and not a creeper teacher. That blond kid from outside is in the showers (good lord) singing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison, as if that’s something a dude in 2010 would sing. (Really writers? You couldn’t ask some kid at the mall to sing his favorite song and go with that? Wait, Poison is lame, so you probably got it cheap. Understood!)
Rachel is also putting up fliers when she sees the girl from before. She Charlie Chans her (really with the overt racism, Rachel? I thought your dads were BFF with the local chapter of the ACLU! Also, DRINK!) and then they have a song battle. Well, Rachel sees it as a battle, Sunshine – that’s the new girl’s name – is just having fun singing. Oh, and she’s awesome. They sing Lady Gaga’s “Telephone,” and abuse the auto-tune, but in a winky way. I approve.
One of the funniest things they’ve ever done on the show, because it’s self-effacing, is when Sue barges in mid-song and tells them to shut up. That’s always the joke, right? Everyone bursting into song and then acting like they didn’t? (Thank you Joss Whedon for being the most creative person with this conceit.) Rachel is not okay with this new girl, she might take away her solos!
In football, Beiste cuts the whole team – every one of them will try out again, and will earn their place. Sue and Will pull Ye Olde Pizza Gag on her, sending 10 or so pizzas to the locker room. But Beiste can roll with the punches, so she buys them, passes them out, and then makes the guys run 50 whistle sprints on a full stomach. Ha!
We learn what happened with Artie and Tina. She went to “Asian camp” (really writers? REALLY? Asian camp?) as did Mike Chang. They fell in love because they are genetically, if not physically, from the same continent. As you do. Now Artie wants to try out for the football team to win her back, because Tina is totally into ripped dudes, as evidenced by her current man. (Really writers, part deaux? Artie on the football team? Did you not see Lucas? Aaaaaaaaand DRINK.)
The guys meet up with the blond kid and try to talk him into joining Glee. His name is Sam Evans and Puck cannot stop staring at his mouth. Me neither, but I don’t think for the same reason. Or maybe so, I don’t wanna put labels on people.
“Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?”
“Uh, I don’t know? I’ve never had balls in my mouth. Have you?”
Ahahaha, nice one, kid. (And sorry, Kurt.) The guys aren’t into his Beiber hair, but he starts singing Travis McCoy’s “Billionaire” and he’s so gosh darn charming that the guys all decide he’s alright. They join in on the song, Artie busts out the rap while Mike dances and keeps his mouth shut.
Rachel tries to enlist Kurt and Mercedes to her side regarding Sunshine not getting in. She’ll take all of their solos! By the way, Kurt is wearing a horrid sweater with a lady face and ribbons on it. That is a kitty cat away from being a sweatshirt you get your MeeMaw for Christmas, and you know it. [DRINK!] Kurt and ‘Cedes aren’t down. Rachel is the new Quinn, it seems. [DRINK!] She gives Sunshine directions to the audition, which turn out to be a crack house. (Watch out for Ashy Larry!)
In the teachers lounge, Sue and Will have regressed to being fourth graders and don’t let Beiste have a seat at any of the tables. The chairs have Sue’s ghost friends in them, sorry. Will is a dick to her, too [DRINK!] and she tells the two of them that she’s used to it and shames them. Then she goes to the locker room and cries. WAH, COACH BEISTE! She is a gentle giant, you guys.
Fartie comes in (that’s Finn and Artie) and tells her that they want to give Artie a chance to try out – he’d be like a battering ram in his chair on the field! “Are you screwing with me?” Bad timing, kids. Finn’s off the team. She gives them a dressing down, while Sam sees all of this, putting two and geek together.
Quinn goes to Cheerio tryouts. Last year is a blip on the radar, this year it’s all about regaining her Queen Bee status. Sue is not on board. “I don’t want the deafening sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.” DAMN, that is cold. And then Finn tries out for some reason. [Drink?] He does a bizarre version of the Running Man to “I Got The Power” and it’s getting, it’s getting, it’s getting so pathetic. Becky, who is assisting Sue, says, “Am I dreaming? Is this happening?” I love Becky.
Schue, Finn, and Beiste take it to Figgins. Beiste tells them she’s the captain of the USS Kick Ass, not USS Back Talk. Finn begs for his spot back, and Beiste uses this as a perfect object lesson. “So I shouldn’t make a snap decision? Judge someone unfairly? Huh.”
In your face Mr. Schuester!
It seems Santana got implants over the summer, and Sue is not okay with that. The only thing plastic on her squad are the tips to their shoe laces. Hell, even her megaphone is made out of semi-precious metal, harvested by Third World children (that insures the quality.) If Santana doesn’t have the self-esteem to love her natural body, then she doesn’t deserve to be Captain. Quinn? You’re back in as Captain.
Quinn Bee struts her stuff in the hall, back in uniform, everything tip top. Santana gets Lima Heights on her with a body check against the lockers. Quinn is shocked. “You can’t hit me!” Wanna bet? Santana slaps Quinn across the face, ooooh! GIRL FIGHT! Will breaks it up, hauling Santana back. “TIGHTEN UP YOUR PONY BEFORE YOU GET TO CLASS!” Quinn shrieks. (Ha ha!)
She’s back, baby, and we remember why she was who she was when this whole thing started.
Meanwhile, neither Sunshine nor Sam show up for auditions. Way to go, Gleeks.
In Figgins’ office, Brittany sits quietly in a chair with a Cheerio doll in her hand. This is icky, guys, where we’re going is icky. “Show us on the doll where Coach Beiste touched you.” If anyone can bring a laugh, it’s Brittany. She pokes the doll in bewb 1 and bewb 2. Mr. Schuester barges in and tells Brittany to be honest. She confesses that it was a lie.
“She didn’t touch my boobs. Actually, I want to touch her boobs.” [DRINK!]
The Cohen-Chang-Changs accost Rachel in the hallway: they know she sent Sunshine to a crack house. The Asian community is tight, they tell each other everything. Rachel grumble-stomps to Sunshine, apologizes, and asks her to come to the legitimate auditions.
Sunshine tosses out a little “Listen,” from Dreamgirls, and even if she boom-boom-booms her arms too much, it’s irrelevant because Charice (Sunshine) throws. the hell. down. I remember her being “discovered” on Oprah (what’s the name of the blog? Exactly.) and she gave me chills back then. She did it again this time, my god, that little package is a TARDIS with massive vocals packed inside.
Everyone is blown away, even though Finn has to be supportive of Rachel and not be too excited, and Rachel kisses her solos goodbye. Now there is Sunshine in our Glee today, more glorious and light, than Rachel Berry ever was, for Charice’s voice is tight!
Will leaves the audition, heads into the lounge, and apologizes to Beiste. She invites him to sit and they shake hands. Sue comes in with a plate of dog poop cookies (“baked ’em myself!”) and when Will doesn’t help her, she breaks their alliance. Sue? I think that already happened when Will apologized to Beiste.
Finn tracks Sam down and asks why he didn’t audition. Well… he didn’t come because he didn’t want to be mocked like the rest of the Gleeks. Also? He’s QB1 now. Oooooooooh. Finn’s world is crumbling all around him.
Vocal Adrenaline’s new coach Goolsby shows up in the halls as he’s swooping up Sunshine. See, he managed to get her mom a green card so they can stay. Will wants to know how he even knew about Sunshine? Cue Sue walking by tossing a bon mot over her shoulder. “Hey, Will, made a phone call. Should’ve gone along with the poop cookies.”
Kurt and Mercedes saw all of this happen and know who to blame: Rachel. They’re not happy with her attitude, not at all. And neither is Finn (but they’re still going to date.) He’s the only one that can call her out and make her own up to her bull mess. Lea Michele’s agent shoves a rider in the show runner’s hands and now Rachel needs to walk away from everyone to sing a solo before apologizing to the group.
She sings “What I Did For Love” from A Chorus Line, because Rachel Berry loves one thing above all others, herself. So she sings to her own worth and talent and amazingness, and I guess she needs to build herself up before they tear her down? I have no idea. She’s a fantastic singer, blah blah, but really: that’s weird. Also, she tears up [DRINK!] while a montage of Mike and Tina being happy as Artie Charlie Browns his way through the halls, while Quinn practices with the Cheerios as Santana suffers on the bottom of the pyramid, and while Rachel thinks of her talent and how everyone needs to just let her shine. And she’s lost all of the personal growth she made during last year. [DRINK.]
Drunken Thoughts: I liked the episode, I did, but there were some random things jammed in that don’t make sense, let’s face it. Will would never get with Sue to destroy a teacher’s career, that hits too close to his problems last year. Rachel learned to love, learned to support her teammates, and now she’s all about sabotaging everyone for the sake of an extra solo? She already gets solos, so huh?
Also, I’m not okay with the hit by a truck-ness to the Tina/Artie break up, but since I know what’s coming, I’ll deal. Also, I love saying Cohen-Chang-Changs.
Speaking of Artie’s future, are you kidding me, one of my most favorite episodes OF ALL TIME is next, It’s Brittany, Bitch. We are going to get so trashed, go buy charcoal tablets in anticipation.