We pick back up with Mike being a scuzzball and hanging all over Snooki, we’re post deep throating with Pauly and Deena (no, really. Guys, I know.) and I think I’ve figured out why she falls over all the damn time.
Meanwhile, Snooki slips out from under Mike’s arm every time he tries to trap her, and making “HELP ME” eyes at everyone. Pauly staggers over to Snooki (he’s totally drunk! OK, I feel a lot better, don’t you? And I’m completely serious.) and tells her that he’s worried about hooking up with Deena, because he wouldn’t want to hurt her if he brought a girl home another time. That’s nice. He’s a nice boy. Best to sort these things out before anything nasty happens.
And let’s face it: none of us are the Samantha. There’s some mythical girl creature out there that loves random hook ups and has no worries about just hanging out (or even being a wing man) the very next night and never, ever develops feelings for the guy she banged. This mythical creature also lives on fire sandwiches and has a temple for her devotees on a craggy island in the middle of the Black Sea. So yes, there is a girl like that. But it ain’t anyone on this show.
And the proof is when Pauly flirt-dances with some girl a little while later and Deena comes over to holler at him. Jenni grabs her up, saving her from embarrassing the hell out of herself. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Jenni is good people. She also has a thing for dresses with a drapey arm/sleeve and strapless on the other. I’ve counted three so far. They look nice, but space them out a bit, sugar.
They take cabs home and Mike grosses me out by hanging all over Snooki and using his “soft-n-sensitive” voice. Sam and Deena step into the foyer and Deena falls off her heels once, then again in the kitchen, totally ramming her torso into the sharp edge of the kitchen island, but she’s so trashed, she doesn’t feel it.
SO THIS IS MY THEORY. See, Deena’s mom collects garden gnomes. Deena thinks they’re trashy and brassy, and she smashed one a while ago. Never smash a garden gnome! Now, she’s haunted by garden gnome spirits (they totally have those) and every now and then, they see their chance and they give her a shove. BOOM, flat on her face.
Ron calls up some girl from back home named Hannah. He likes knowing a girl that he can talk with and not have it be a battle. Yeah, that’s called normal people communication. Sure, Hannah doesn’t get her hair as straight, but then, Ron doesn’t have to shave her corns off on Friday nights or express her dog’s anal glands. (Dating Sam is hard. She has needs.)
Deena tries to get in bed with Pauly who fakes being fast asleep, too sleepy to move and make room for her. Girls? If a guy wants you, he will always wake up enough to let you get in his bed, come on.
Next morning and Pauly grabs the Old Timey horn to wake everyone up. I like your gumption, Pauly, get those lazy bums up and moving! Mike, Vinny and Deena join him out on the town to get supplies for Sunday Dinner. They struggle with reading labels, and that really is a hard thing in another country. They just don’t have all the same products, or the same packaging, etc. They come back home and Sam says she and Deena will be cooking dinner this time, the guys can have a break.
She tells the camera that she’s actually a very good cook. (I remember Ron bitching at her last season for “not even making me eggs.” So… I’m skeptical.)
The girls try to figure out how the dishwasher works, they randomly squeeze some soap in it, and after breading the chicken cutlets, they decide to fuck off with Jenni to a cafe. For food. While they’re cooking. Oh, they’re just gonna get a bite, they’ll be back to whip up a magnifico dinner.
Cut to the dishwasher pouring out soapy water. The guys wander around confused. They wait. Cut to the girls eating full on meals. The guys wait. Cut to the girls leisurely eating and sipping. The guys say screw this, we’re cooking. (They usually do and they usually do it well.) Ron sees the mess pouring out of the dishwasher and cleans it up.
The girls saunter back in and get mad that the guys are cooking. Give me a break, ladies. Deena comes over to help with the pasta by dumping it into a pot of cold water. Mike stares at it with huge eyes. She’s all, “We have a drainer.” If you can’t cook PASTA, turn in your “Italian American” card.
Snooki finally wakes up (yes, she’s been sleeping this whole time) and calls Jionni back in Jersey, who promptly rips her a new one for having gone 24 hours without a call. Really, dude? Mike’s Trouble Sense starts tingling, so he zips into the phone room and hovers over her. If you listen closely you can hear his hyena laugh as he attempts to lure his victim. When she hangs up, he’s all over her like MRSA. He’s got his hand on her knee, smoothing her fevered brow, kissing her cheek and telling her that “I care for you a lot.”
So here’s my other theory: a producer offered him a bonus salary if he could cause drama for Snooki and her steady, because a single Snooki is far more entertaining to watch than this solid girl with her head on straight who’s into working out now.
Vinny answers the phone and it’s Marco. Okay? Marco owns a pizzeria, yousa gonna come work-ah for me, eh? It’s the best in all of Italy, ciao. They all leave right then because they still don’t know their way around town yet, and sure enough, it takes them over an hour to find the place. As they’re walking, they pass the facade of the Basilica and Deena asks, “Is this the Vatican?” Jenni answers, “Yeah, I think so.” Deena smiles at it, “It’s so nice!”
They’re going to flip out if they ever do get to see the Vatican.
They find the pizzeria and Sam immediately shits on it, because that’s how she do. “It’s like the Domino’s of Florence.” That’s like going to Shanghai, getting xialongbao from a street vendor and saying it’s just like the ones at Pei Wei. (And they don’t even HAVE soupy dumplings at Pei Wei.) Meanwhile, my sweet baboo JWoww says that when she’s 80, and still throwing pizza pie, she’s gonna tell her grandkids that she learned how to make pizza in Florence, bitches.
They learn how to toss dough. Kinda. Snooki is the first up to bat, Marco says “dis-a the first and da last time I show you.” Deena asks if they can ask questions, “No!” He smiles. Snooki busts one out, tosses it into the wood burning stove, and pulls it out. It looks pretty good. Ronnie says, “If Snooki can do it, we all can do it, right?” We’ll see.
Pauly makes sure that Marco knows he’s the good one here. Pauly and Vinny are the two with the best work ethic, so I have high hopes for them representing proper “kids.” Even though Pauly is like, 48 or something.
Back at the house, Jenni tries to make coffee in the old school percolator. She can’t find a coffee grinder (it’s sitting on the console, it’s a hand crank model) and pulls out a garlic press. “What’s this, a ravioli maker?” She uses the side of it to whack the coffee beans into chunks, puts those in the percolator, and sets that on the stove. She says, “What is this, the sixteenth century?” She’ll make a point of buying coffee at a cafe, this is ridiculous. (I laughed long and hard, guys. Good hell, A GARLIC PRESS.)
Time to go clubbing, and someone has gotten a hold of these girls and made them lay off the AquaNet. It’s a real shame. (The same person should have told Snooki to get that weird blonde piece of hair fixed, too.) Mike tells the camera that “as soon as they get there a beautiful – well, not beautiful.” And he does his shitty, “I’m naughty!” laugh. What a dick munch. I mean, yes, the girl is not easy on the eyes. But you don’t have to tell the whole MTV nation that, jerk!
Snooki tells the others at the table that the girl is really ugly. Mike checks with Pauly to make sure he doesn’t need to double bag it (one on his head in case the one on hers breaks) and Pauly just shrugs. And I mean this sincerely: Snooki is much prettier. She actually is a pretty girl when she’s not all sausage stuffed and caked-makeup’d.
The bartender hands out a drink with two shot glasses (filled) balanced on top. Ron pounds it, hits the floor, and starts his “creepy moves.” Sam is fixated on him. Pauly has another of those drinks in his hand and Ron almost kisses him to get the shot before Pauly downs it. There is a lot of near misses with the guys happening. Jenni catches Ron glancing over at Sam, teases him, but Ron assures her that he’s got all kinds of Jersey Cannoli waiting for him back home, like Hannah. Uh oh.
Jenni asks Pauly and Vinny if they know Hannah, and nope, they’re totally in the dark as well, and they all get nervous. There will be blood shed, they just know it. Wait, can Sammi get her nails did in Italy? Maybe no blood will be shed, then.
The night continues at the club with Deena bent completely over in half so the Italian boys can see how her underwear sits just so and Pauly dances with someone’s mom. Or maybe it’s someone with bad mom hair, I can’t tell. Ron is completely shit-faced. He stands in the doorway not making any sense, but laughing and really enjoying himself as Pauly watches. I can’t understand Ron because I am fixated on the JIZZ ON HIS EYE. Oh, it’s just toilet paper. Jenni snatches it off, because she always has your back. I love her.
Ron tells Vinny that he fucked this many girls and holds his hand up. This many. I did… numbers in such and such days, ahahaha [his Voldemort laugh.] And he did them because he’s single, wheeee! Sam is of course right there, hears the whole thing, is hurt, and walks off. Ron is a mean drunk. Vinny pulls him away and says what we all want to say, “I don’t care if you’re drunk or not, I am not dealing with you two fighting!” THIS.
Mike has taken the beautiful, I mean, the girl he met earlier outside and tells her, “I think you’re the awesomest chick I ever met.” Turns out? She did two tours in Afghanistan (one tour at Restrepo) invented Post-It notes, has personally saved fourteen kittens from burning houses, told Oprah to quit it with the “wishing she was Maya Angelou” shit, and Oprah listened to her. Damn. She really is the awesomest!
Ron, a living, breathing Anti-Drinking campaign, tries to walk in a straight line while Jenni struggles to hold him up. He falls over like a bowling pin, laughing. He’s just slurring away, and how great would it be if he was actually reciting the Constitution or something? Probably it’s just the ingredients list on the back of his SuperMegaWheyBulkUp EXXXXXTREME protein powder.
Deena and Sam are also struggling to walk home, and Deena thinks a cop is some guy she wants to hook up with. Sam is not that drunk and scream-whispers, “PUBLIC INTOXICATION, act normal. Please.” They manage to get to the house and just as Sam says “Watch your step, D” she flips forward on her face. I jumped back in a flinch watching it. Christ, the fucking gnomes! Also, ladies? Put some damn flip flops in your purse and walk home in those, not your 5 inch platform wedges.
Mike brings Restrepo into the house and Snooki gets a load of her “awesomeness” and asks Vinny if she’s prettier than the grenade. “Yes,” he immediately says, then says they bring those girls home because they can’t have her. Aww. And what bull shit.
Mike is in the smush room with the chick – we can see his face in the infrared camera – and his eyes are huge and looking at his crotch. He’s clearly getting a blow job and he says, “Um, we’re gonna hang out again.” Nice. Your grandmother can see this, honey, are you proud of yourself for getting with Mr.Herpes? He immediately offers to get her a taxi, and as she zips out of the house, pulling her shorts into place, Jenni shouts out, “You’re going home? Out of here? Nice meeting you!” as Snooki calls out, “Toodles, whore!” Ha ha ha. We’ll see if this girl is that mythical creature from the Black Sea.
Deena looks under her bed for something, with her ass up in the air. She has these weird white triangles under her butt cheeks. They are tan lines. She tells the guys that she can’t help that her butt casts a huge shadow. Bless your heart, gnomes and butt shadows?
Mike and Snooki have a smoke outside and he immediately puts on his “sensitive, caring guy” voice, even though he still has that chick’s stink on him. He tries to convince Snooki that they have something special between them, and he mentions that they’ve hooked up and she doesn’t deny it. WHAT. Gross. Wait, that can mean making out, right? Not full on peen-poon?
She keeps telling him that yes, they are friends while he keeps batting his eye lashes and trying to Jedi mind trick her. “We are more than friends.”
“Uh, no, Mike, we’re just friends.”
“FRIENDS. Amigos. Compadres. Buds. Pals. Anything but what you’re suggesting.”
The next day is laundry day, they leave Ron and Snooki to sleep. They stop at a cafe to eat and Vinny tells them that he’s done with the whole Sam and Ron drunk fighting thing, they’re a bad time. Sammi says to shut it, and Deena comes out with the best advice ever: “You two need to go out and not worry about what the other is doing.” YES.
Mike then smiles, checks his blue cards from the producers and says, laughingly, “I’m a dick who stirs the pot. Ron was so funny last night saying he’s got all of these girls coming out to see him! What a crack up.” He puts on his innocent smile and sips his coffee with his pinkie out.
Jenni claps a hand over her mouth, Vinny braces himself, and Sam tries to maintain her composure. “I don’t care.” Baby steps, guys, baby steps.
Vinny and Ron have a romantic soak in the jacuzzi later. Ron notices the brocade wallpaper, the Romanesque statuary, and that the tub has romantic lights. Also, there’s a vortex in the middle that pulls the two into each other. Vinny gets a little nervous, Ron thinks about the romantical times he could have, and they both decide to keep the tub boy-girl from this point on.
Mike – with a cane – tries to climb in bed with Deena, who’s not having it. He wants a cuddle and she thinks it’s a great time to go outside for a smoke. She leaves and makes “HELP ME” eyes at everyone else.
Later – there is no time frame, they’re either up and drinking/eating, clubbing, or in bed – they all say Grazi to Vincente for finding a beautiful restaurant with rooftop dining. Florence is beautiful. The Duomo is right in front of them and Ron pulls out “That’s the Vatican; Leonardo da Vinci painted it in his hand.” (Huh?) Vinny (my forever love) blinks and responds, “I’m pretty sure that was Michelangelo.” If only he’d also mention that it’s not the god damned Vatican. Well, the Vatican isn’t damned by god, but you get me. You know what? Maybe it is damned.
Pauly smirks and starts shit with Mike, teasing him for trying to snuggle with Deena. Mike is a COCK KNOCKER and denies it, going so far as to say that Deena needs to remember that he doesn’t like her because she’s gross. He can totally bring home hot chicks like Restrepo Blow Job, thank you.
Deena is bugged that Pauly put her on the spot like that, and Snooki knows it’s a guy thing they do to make chicks not like them so much. Ugh, boys. They make up, though, because what a dumb thing (who knew that Deena could be one of the reasonable ones?) and Pauly buys her a little rubber bracelet.
Out at another club later, Deena falls over for no reason. (Oh, I think we know the reason. God damned inter-dimensional gnomes!) and Pauly notices how young the girls in the club are. Like, worrisome young. Sam falls down, it’s her night to be smashed, and Ron picks her up like a gentleman. When he’s not drinking, he can be kind. She misinterprets this and wants to “tawk” but it seems Ron went to some support group over the break and tells her no, no drunk talking. Good for you, Ron.
She leaves in a cab, dragging toilet paper on her heel. Vinny and Pauly decide the risk isn’t worth it and they leave to walk home. They make up a game on the way, “If __blank__ , then she’s too young for you, bro!” So much for Uncle Nino’s advice: if there’s grass on the field, play ball.
Mike doesn’t pull a girl from the club (thank goodness, they’re all, like fourteen) so he calls Restrepo Blow Job at something like 4am, who pulls her shit together and gets there in five minutes. Damn, girl, don’t be so eager! Deena climbs into a chair with Pauly who then gets up and stands in front of Vinny’s face while Vinny tries to fall asleep and asks if Vincente wants some “chapstick.” So that’s their code name. They really have the sweetest bromance, don’t they?
Sammi, still drunk, goes to sit with Ron for a 4am meal and starts sucking on his shoulder, trying to get him in the mood. He finds a way out of there (good job, Ron!) and tells the camera that “I’d rather be fucked up the ass with a spiked bat than do this.” Same goes for us, Ron.
Next week: Deena pulls an Italian guy! Mike tries to get a threesome going, but Deena pulls a robbery on him with one of the girls! Good for you, D, get you some. Next episode is right ‘chere!