It’s here, you guys. The best Brit episode ever. Because I love this character, and because you know that we’re gonna get hammered from Glee Bingo, the cocktail today is actually a punch recipe (and one I get requests for at parties.) I’m renaming it in honor of this episode, Brittany’s Sewer Juice. (I like to imagine that she had parties with her imaginary friends while lost in the town’s sewers all summer.)
Your drinking game card, and I’m not going to be responsible for your alcohol poisoning by assigning a free space this time. I only have your liver’s best interest at heart.
The week’s assignment is written on the white board: “Christopher Cross.” Ahaha. Wow, Will, way to keep it current. He asks the class who that is. “He discovered America,” Brittany responds as Finn nods. [DRINK!]
Kurt has learned how to get flies with honey. “Uh, it’s not that we don’t want to spend the week getting lost in this smooth adult contemporary, it’s just that as teens it’s hard for us to relate to.” Kurt (and the others) want to do something that means something to them. They want Britney. (They never say if they want bald headed umbrella brandishing Brit, by the way. And you’re welcome for all of that alliteration.)
Wait, not everyone is into Brit. Brittany raises her hand. “I don’t wanna do Britney Spears because my name is also Britney Spears. Brittany S Pierce, Brittany Spierce. I have lived my entire life in her shadow.” [DRINK!]
Kurt is pissed, and Santana hisses at him to lay off her Boo. Brittany shoots Santana a grateful look. “Thanks, it’s been a hard road.” [DRINK]
Mr. Schue wipes the board clean and says, “Okay, then, let’s talk Michael Bolton. No? Billy Ocean? Peabo Bryson?” Mercedes plots to key his car after school.
Emma straightens her pamphlets and tells Will how Carl – her new boyfriend, the dentist, maybe you’ve heard of him? – has been helping her with her OCD. Will is of course pissed that she’s happy with anyone but him. Oh, really? Hey-o, how was that making out with Shelby, Will? [DRINK.]
Carl shows up and he. is. delicious. It’s John Stamos, and let’s face it: he’s hot at hell and twice as fun. Also, back in Acafellas Emma made jokes at John Stamos’ expense, so I find this all the more enjoyable. Carl and Will decide to let Carl talk to the Gleeks about the importance of oral hygiene. These kids are getting a double shot of fun this week!
Karofsky and Azimio locker slam Finn and rip Finn’s letter man jacket off him, seeing as he’s no longer on the team. (Um, that’s not how it works?) They make hilarious “you’re gay!” jokes and then rip his jacket in half. Those are expensive, dudes! Finn swings at Azimio and misses, and Artie rolls up, apologizing for getting Finn kicked off the team. Karofsky refuses to hit a kid in a wheelchair, leaving Finn unmolested for now. For now.
In Glee club, Carl passes out dental chews that reveal plaque. Santana is too busy being focused on the man meat in front of her, and I think she might be the smartest girl in class. She also has balls and tells him that since he’s the hottest dentist she’s ever seen, he can drill her any time. Kurt notices Rachel’s teeth – vivid blue, the color of poor dental hygiene! Tsk, tsk. Brittany also has plaque. “I don’t brush my teeth, I rinse my teeth with soda after I eat.” [DRINK!] She whispers to Santana, “I was sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.” [DRINK!]
We cut to the dentist office where Brittany says it “looks like the room on the spaceship where [she] got probed.” [DRINK!] According to Carl she has the worst teeth ever. (Hooray! You’re Number 1! You’re Number 1!) Then it hits her: “Please don’t pull out all of my teeth, I’ll look like an adult baby with boobs.” [DRINK! Guys, we’re getting hammered, it’s happening. This is happening.]
He gives her nitrous oxide so he can repair her craggy chompers and as she goes under, she begins to hallucinate that she’s Britney Spears. Let’s just put this out there: she’s hot. She looks uh-may-zing in the red leather cat suit, the clear body sparkle body suit, the whole “I’m A Slave 4 U” video wardrobe. Also, that is one of my more favorite Brit songs. And let’s also put this out there: Britney Spears isn’t a great singer. She relies heavily on auto tune and backed up vocals, so Heather Morris is doing just as well (if not better, some might say, especially those who saw her perform in Glee: Live on stage.)
She wakes up groggy. Carl says, “Rock on. Okay you have 68 cavities, you’ll have to come back.”
“Okay. …are you a cat?” [DRINK!]
Rachel and Finn talk about how Finn misses being on the team, but you can tell Rachel likes being the only focus in his life. (That’s not healthy, girlfriend.) Also, she’s worried that Finn becoming popular will spell the end of them.
Santana walks past Rachel in the school hallway and calls out, “Hey, dwarf! Anyone ever tell you you dress like one of the bait girls on To Catch A Predator?”
Finn laughs. Ooooh, that’s gonna hurt.
Santana then flounces to the dentist with Brittany and they make Carl put them both under so they can co-hallucinate. (Hey, nothing really makes sense, and that’s when the show is fun, when it’s nonsensical.) And they slip into a duet that is hot like burning, the “Me Against The Music” number Britney and Madonna did. And the relationship undertones are stuh-rong with Brit and Santana. A massive ship was launched with this number, the SS Brittana.
Have I mentioned that Santana is redonk with being so beautiful? It’s just unfair, really. Also, I love it when she gets to sing. [DRINK!] And I could watch Heather Morris dance all day. Nice touch: the big slam against the wall has the two Brits, no Santana.
The next day in Glee club, Brittany shows her newfound Spearsian Strength. “From now on I demand to have every solo in Glee club.”
Mr. Schuester is baffled, so she explains. “I had a fantasy where I was better than Brtiney Spears.” And that means she’s better than all of them, too. Kurt sees this as a chance to promote his Britney Spears agenda. (It’s just like you’ve always been taught about The Gays and their Agenda! That… doesn’t seem like the right agenda, hmm.) He’s all about “we need empowerment! What if Tina wanted to shave her head bald and freak out? What if Quinn decided to shave something else bald and forget to wear panties? THEY HAVE THE RIGHT.”
Mr. Schuester is all, “Moral Majority!” and Kurt counters snappishly, “You’re so friggin’ uptight all the time!”
Oooooooooooh. Also, Kurt? You are the most uptight person in the room, and RACHEL is in the same room. Will sends him to the principal’s office.
Carl gets a chance to check Schue’s mouth (not afraid he’ll bite off your finger? Brave man.) Carl notices that Will grinds his teeth – probably because he’s a big loser that does nothing fun and has all of those vests. “Rinse.” Carl calls Will’s bluff, he knows Will is still into Emma. He asks him, man to man, to back off while he and Emma work on building their relationship. Will reluctantly agrees (don’t be a dick, be a dude, William!)
Rachel comes in for her appointment. She also hallucinates on the laughing gas (dude, what are you putting in your Nitrous Oxide?) and has a fantasy where she performs an overly-enunciated “…Baby One More Time.” But she learns that to make a boy like her and stay by her side, she’s gonna need to slut it up. But innocently. But fucking whore’d out. Like a lady. A lady whore.
Next day at school, she shows up in The Outfit, the naughty school girl, oh so innocent, but oh so wanting a chubby in her naughty no nos, oopsie, did I say that? [sucks on a pen with wide eyes] Finn’s eyes bug out when he sees her. And then he covers her up. Ha! Didn’t see that coming! Wait, yes I did from the “Tell me about it, stud!” moment from Season 1. Finn likes his ladies to be ladies.
A dude walks past them and says, “How come the gay guys always get the hottest chicks?” Hurr. Jacob Ben Israel Jerusalem Methuselah Schlemeil gets a load of the hotness and is all over it in a completely oogie – I wouldn’t touch his keyboard or mouse until they’ve been dipped in Purell – way.
Will decides to take a page out of Carl’s book and loosens up. He buys the exact same Corvette that Carl has and offers to take Emma for a ride. HEY SEE HOW I AM JUST LIKE CARL NO THAT ISN’T CREEPY. [DRINK.] But when he starts rocking out “to his jam” – “Sailing,” by Christopher Cross, further proof that he discovered America, I might add – it gets super creepy. Emma is grossed out, proving once again that she has sense.
As they pull out of the lot, he slams on the brakes. Shrewi is standing there demanding to talk about this new car of his and how it’s going to interfere with her “spousal support checks.” When Emma slips out of there, Terri tells Will that he’s going to come back to her. (By default? Probs. Also, now we know Will’s into clean and tidy seconds. Hey, it’s Emma. Sloppy? I don’t think so.)
Santana gets a load of Rachel in her new nice girl-ho gear, telling her that “normally you dress like the fantasy of a Japanese businessman with a very specific and dark fetish, but I like your new look.” Kurt, wearing a dapper grey suit and bow tie [finally, Wardrobe is getting rid of the Don Knotts look DRINK!] adds, “I think what she’s trying to say,” pointed look for Mr. Schuester’s benefit, “is that Britney Spears has helped you blossom, ahem.”
Well, guess what else bloomed like a desert rose? Jacob Ben Israel Lipniki Cjekeskvec (what, I can’t give Polish-Jews any love? You’re so racist.) has been caught by one Sue Sylvester – breathe shallowly, it’s coming – masturbating in the school library to a video of Hot New Rachel. William, did you not realize that Britney Spears is a gateway drug?! Next up is Christina Aguilera, and then my god, it’s on to Madon- Wait, they’re going backwards! Who starts with heroin and moves to pot? Worst drug analogy ever.
Actual Britney (well, she’s a fantasy) tells Brittany and Tina at their lockers that they should dip pizza in ranch. And Cheetos are totally delicious in Frito bean dip, and also? Shoes are totes optional in a public gas station bathroom. Getting worms is the easiest way to drop a few pounds and then it’s like you have real friends but they live inside you and you can blame the voices on them.
And then we see this is Artie’s fantasy (he’s missing Tina) and his Britney song is “Stronger” with the football team doing a dance routine. And talking about a Japanese businessman with a specific fetish, we have hot guys lifting weights semi-naked in pads and did I say Japanese businessman? Because I meant me. Continuing with the fantasy, Artie is pushed in his chair by Finn as an effective battering ram on the field (because that would totally be legal. I think the writers don’t really know shit about football beyond tight pants, goal posts, and the Quarterback reaching between the Center’s legs for the snap. Hang on, I just went to a happy place…)
We snap back to reality and Artie tells Finn that he wants to be on the team and how awesome his drug-induced fantasy made that idea seem. Coach Beiste hears this and says to herself, “It’s time to start destroying the perfect coaching record I’ve built over the years by making a laughing stock of me, this kid, this sport, and possibly humanity.” She thinks it’s a great idea. WHAT.
Mr. Schuester continues his downward spiral into Creeper Town by telling the kids that they can finally perform Britney Songs! And he’s going to perform with them. [DRINK.] They all stop mid-shimmy, Kurt’s face sliding into horror, Mercedes’ eye starts to twitch, and Tina puts her face in her hands and sobs softly.
Meanwhile, all is not well in the land of Finn-Rachel. He tries to make her feel better about herself but she just can’t let go that he wants to be a football star again like some kind of selfish asshole. Doesn’t he know that his responsibility is to focus solely on her, telling her how beautiful and talented she is and provide arm candy? Rachel, he was going to throw a touchdown pass and point at you in the stands. Where I’m from, that’s a marriage proposal. (In small southern towns proposals happen one of two ways: the touchdown pass or spray painting a girl’s name on the underside of an overpass. Love is simple here.)
But enough about that, IT IS ASSEMBLY TIME. [This is when you need to do a punch-bowl stand, by the way. CHUG THE WHOLE TIME.] Will has on a bowler hat to let the kids know that things are about to get a little cray-cray. Becky tells Sue a Britney number is about to be performed, so Sue puts her on red alert. “Be on the lookout for awkward teenage froe-tage.”
Perfect song title when you think about a teacher getting “sexy” with the kids (ew, not like that) “Toxic,” which is the other favorite Britney song of mine. And I’m happy to report that Kurt is dancing well here, thank goodness. Mr. Schue starts singing [ARE YOU STILL CHUGGING?] and the crowd goes bananas because never forget the writers have a Schoner. (Schue-boner.) Lauren Zises shouts out “Mr. Schue let me be your Britney!”
Sue thinks this is beyond the pale, and she is right. She shouts “IT’S A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX RIOT!” after seeing Jacob Ben Israel David Leviticus Moses bouncing in his seat like no one explained how rubbing one out worked (hoark.) Sue pulls the fire alarm and a panic ensues. Sue is trampled by the crazed and dazed students of McKinley High.
Sue has Will in Figgins’ office; she’s wearing a neck brace. “Hello William, I don’t know if you heard, but my spinal column was ruptured in a sex riot.” Will gets on to her for pulling the fire alarm. If she hadn’t done that, everything would have been fine.
“You know, William, that’s what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone’s bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson’s tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming, ‘Sex party!’ into the microphones of all three major networks.”
And that’s how the Tea Party was born, children. It’s in the bible, look it up.
Emma has a heart to heart with Will. See, she wanted him to loosen up because my god, the man needs it. He spent four weeks modding an Xbox so he could play Toto and Air Supply on Guitar Hero. (He’s almost gotten through “Africa” on hard!) She tries to guide him to figuring his own shit out but he’s all “Wah, love me! Let me guilt you into liking me, that way lies the greatest of all love stories.”*
[*Don’t believe me? Overboard, 50 First Dates, Beauty and the Beast, The Notebook, Vertigo, Bridges of Madison County, Endless Love, Hope Floats, most Diane Lane and Sandra Bullock movies, and Can’t Buy Me Love, just to name a few.]
I was too embarrassed for Will to notice how Emma gets rid of them, I assume she shooed him out by spraying Lysol in his face.
Quinn slinks over to Finn in the hallways and comes on to him. She’s all, “We’re totally the heads of our respective clubs ergo we should date. Try to forget that whole ‘I had a baby with your best friend stuff,’ okay?” Finn isn’t having any of it and tells her to respect that he’s seeing someone else. Aw, he’s a good boyfriend.
And then we learn how horrible Rachel is this season because she hired Quinn to do that to see if he’d be faithful. Quinn is pissy to her, “You got what you wanted” and Rachel has a ping of shame for a moment. Gurl don’t go playin’ games, that ain’t how you keep a man! Get pregnant like the rest of us.
In Glee, Mr. Schuester says that maybe Britney isn’t for them. You meant to say “him” right? Like, it’s isn’t right for HIM? Because of his age and position in the school? No? Carry on. Rachel takes over, because that’s what she does best and tells everyone that she’d like to sing a song to Finn and everyone leaves (no, they don’t, but they wish they could because awk-ward.) She tells him that she has to open up her hands and let him fly.”
Brittany asks, “Finn can fly?” [DRINK.] Also the noise I just made laughing? This is what it sounds like when doves cry.
Rachel starts singing “The Only Exception” by Paramore and cries as she sings it [DRINK!] because that’s how she do. Also jeez, get a room.
Next episode! GRILLED CHEESUS. The crack-hits just keep on coming. (Yay!)