I might lose some of y’all over this one, but I have to be honest: I hate Rocky Horror. Hate. I promise to make it better with the cocktail for today, if you’ll stick with me. The Surgeon’s Balls, it’s under the cut.
I think people like RHPS because the experience of seeing it en masse is fun for them, but ugh. Understand that I love parodies and I love ‘out there’ comedy. It’s nigh on impossible for me to be offended by stuff, so it’s not because of any of the ‘boundaries’ pushed. It’s the story. Oh, the redonk story! Thumbs down. It’s like watching one of the “Vampires Suck!” style parody movies, but with singing.
The one thing Glee did for me was take away the story and have the songs by themselves (mostly) to sing along with. And they’re not all fabulous, either, not in the original. There’s some very questionable “singing” happening. So now you know my dirty secret, and know that I’ve had to carry this burden for years. Y’all need to have a telethon or 5K for me.
Our free space is to drink anytime something utterly preposterous happens. Maybe stock up on melon.
Opening scene is Santana’s fantastically perfect mouth, singing the intro, “Science Fiction/Double Feature.” [DRINK] Janet is played by who else, Rachel, and Brad is obviously Finn. They’re on stage performing “Over At The Frankenstein Place,” and they make the song sound great. Lea Michele does a fantastic job of playing the virginal, 50’s style horror movie girl. This is mostly a way for us to see who’s who. Kurt is Riff-Raff, Quinn and Santana share the part of his sister-lover Magenta, Tina and Brittany are Columbia, and so on.
The song is interrupted by Carl who has a bone to pick with Will. Will has a voice over wondering how did a production of RHPS turned into a nightmare? We flashback to a week prior where Will sits with Emma at lunch. He notices she hasn’t cut the crusts off her bread, what sorcery is this?! Gosh, she and Carl went to see RHPS last night, and she must have had so much fun that she plum forgot to cut off the crusts! They’re even going to dress up in theme for Halloween!
That’s huge, because she’s normally anti-Halloween. (Do you have any idea how hard it is to sterilize Pixie Stix and Sweet Tarts? You can’t wash them, that’s for sure. Learned that one the hard way.) She’s also looking into public bathhouses, a whole new world of germs is opening up for her!
Voice over Will cannot stand that someone else is making her happy. She should be miserable so he can help her! Carl…is winning. He barfs out that gee-willikers, the Glee Club is putting on a Rocky Horror production, would you look at that? Talk about weird coinkidinks! He levels an intense gaze at her. “Who knew that we’d both be so totally into this musical with a little light cannibalism? I think that’s really super sexy on a deeply spiritual level.”
Emma, visibly freaked by Will, wonders how on earth he’s going to get a sexy musical like that on a high school stage, what with him needing approval from Sue and Figgins. He’ll have to get back to her on that. She says she needs to be anywhere but right there and vamooses after Will offers her a pathetic high five.
Will tells the class they’re going to do RHPS and to get around any trouble, they’re going to mostly change everything and send home permission slips for the parents to sign. They’ll charge admission and use the money to buy medical marijuana from Sandy Reyerson and then sell that to make enough money for Nationals. Hooray!
Will assumes Kurt will be all over Dr. Frank N. Furter, to which Kurt scoffs. “Fishnets, sequins and makeup? You want me murdered, that’s what I’m hearing here.” Santana is unnecessarily shitty to him, “Why, were those looks last season?” Girlfriend, get out of the closet and show your fellow LGBT some love.
Artie rightfully assumes he’s the “guy in the wheelchair.” Mike volunteers to play Frank N. Furter and Sam will be Rocky, what with his ridiculously perfect body and the costume requiring gold lame bikinis. Rawr. Sam’s totally comfortable with his body because “you could cut glass with these [abs.] I have no problem showing off my body.” Remember that he said that.
Rachel and Finn rehearse and Finn admits to being completely lost plot-wise. “And not in a cool Inception kind of way.” (Finn? That’s because the actual plot is redonk.) Rachel pats his head and assures him it doesn’t matter. (It doesn’t.) Finn starts to get nervous about appearing in his underwear on stage, but Rachel reassures him that he’s handsome and attractive, and everyone will agree.
It cuts to the news, and Rod and Angela tell us about the first Unitarian chimp wedding at the zoo in over 6 years, aw, let’s hope those kids make it. We have a Sue’s Corner again! I’ve missed those. She says we’ve lost the meaning of Halloween: fear. (I agree 100%. I’m known as being the scary house on the block.) Moms should be telling their children that daddy is a hungry zombie and before he went out to sharpen his pitchfork, he whispered to her that the kids look delicious .
“Halloween is that magical day of the year when children are told their grandmother is a demon who has been feeding them rat casseroles with a crunchy garnish of their own scabs.”
And that’s how Sue C’s it.
The next day in school, two men (stunt casting of Barry Bostwick, the original Brad, and Meatloaf, the original Scott Stapp) show up while she carves an intricate design into a pumpkin (a pitch perfect recreation of Jackson Pollack’s Number 1 1950.) They butter her up with how moved they were by her segment on the local news. They’ve heard there’s a production of RHPS going on at her school, they find it repugnant, and want her to do an expose on filthy art penetrating our schools through the back door. (Goodness.)
Sue is well aware of the awfulness of the musical, she once took her sister Jean to a showing, and believed that when the audience throws toast in the air, they were doing it out of disgust for her sister’s mental handicap. [Oh, for god’s sake. DRINK.] They tease her with a local Emmy win if she can shut it down after opening night.
It’s another rehearsal and Santana and Brittany give Finn grief about being in his underwear, what with him eating like a normal person and all. He must look like Jabba the Hutt under those polos! They all break into “Dammit Janet” with Quinn, Mercedes and Kurt looking properly bored doing “I <3 U” with their hands.
Sue comes in and motions to the hall for Will to join her. She’s all smiles and “this is a great musical even though the plot is ridiculous and woefully inappropriate for a high school audience! Heck, I like how it pushes boundaries. I want in!”
“Great you can play the criminologist! Goodness knows you want to narrate everyone’s life, now you can do it publicly.”
She thinks that’s peachy keen. Oh, but she’s got some rewrites in mind, and seeing as her contract states she has final say, she’ll just fax those over once she’s got the play all punched up nice and neat.
Sam and Finn are in the gym working out, and Sam talks about how he lives on a model’s diet: cotton balls soaked in gin and brown rice. Mmm, yummy! Hope those size 0 jeans are worth it ladies, I’m over here eating nachos. Sam tells Finn that he can forget being popular if he’s not perfect and actually looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy under his clothes. And then the show ends on that terrific lesson, thanks for watching!
Will tries to find more ways to puppet-master Emma back into his life so he puts her in charge of costumes, what with her being a super fan of one visit to the midnight showing and all. She’s all for it and raring to go when Mike Chang comes in and tells Mr. Schuester that his parents are not okay with him dressing like “a tranny” so he’s out. [Transvestite, or transsexual, not the pejorative “tranny.”]
Oh noes, what are they going to do without a Frank N. Furter? Will drops by Sue’s office to tell her the play is canceled. (But what about her local Emmy?) Funny moment: when Becky shows up dressed like Sue for Halloween. “Becky, that is the best Halloween costume I’ve ever seen.” Then Becky goes off to terrorize some children and shoot Hungarian steroids.)
Carl and Emma giggle over some of the costumes in her office (damn, she works fast) and they consist of feather boas and corsets. Sue sees this, bursts in, and tells them to take their sick sex games out of her school! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about loving boundaries being pushed? Also, this is for the musical, and if there’s one thing that Carl loves aside from his platinum-trimmed periodontal probe, it’s the arts.
Oho! Sue sees a wondrous opportunity. She tells them the musical has been canceled, they only need one part… Gosh. Carl asks, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
Cut to Carl auditioning for Will, singing “Hot Patootie – Bless My Soul” and making me like that song for once. (Sorry, Meatloaf is awful. Guys, no. He is awful.) Emma is writhing in her chair (gracious!) and Will looks like he’s ready to wring Carl’s neck for being so god damned fabulous. Oh, and Mike Chang dances alongside him making his trademarked goofy “Huh? Derp?” faces. [DRINK.]
Wait… that’s an Eddie song, and they need a Frank N. Furter. Carl is not okay with taking on that part, as it would mean he would have to grind up against the students, and that’s inappropriate. Santana strongly disagrees with that assessment. Mercedes volunteers to play the part so it will seem more “modern.” Huh. That deflates the whole “guy in fishnets, sexin’ up the Frat dude” vibe of the musical, but who cares at this point?
They are already doing a dress rehearsal (they’ve already had something like four rehearsals on this one day) and Sam is nervous about his teeny gold pants, because he might sport some nuttage. Kurt would like to also strongly disagree with this. They start the “Sweet Transvestite” number and Mercedes does knock it out of the park [DRINK] and holds off on the line “Antici- “
“-pation!” Will and Emma finish, ha ha, this is too much fun, whaaat? I do wish that Mercedes moved more, she seems like she’s just focused on not falling over. (Watch her fists banging on her thighs.) And somehow this poor, underfunded school sure scrapped up enough money for an elaborate set. As Mercedes rises up in the elevator [DRINK, I mean, how could this happen in a poor school in one week.] Carl busts through the stage on a motorcycle, because he was “feeling his entrance” then, not two scenes away.
Will needs to 86 Carl, and fast. He tells Emma later that Carl is going to be a problem. Err, that the musical is actually too risqué for kids, she was right. The kids are uncomfortable with their costumes, specifically Sam. (Who just hours before was ready to strip in class. And is naked all the damn time. But WHATEVER, GLEE WRITERS, y’all think no one is paying attention, I know.)
So Will is going to play Rocky so he can have sex with the students. [Hey, Will, did you remember that part of the script? DRINK.] Since he’s taking this on fifteen minutes before they’re going to have another dress rehearsal, or… something, he needs help getting the “libretto” down for “Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me,” maybe she could help him out? (Way to not use a musical term correctly, Glee Writers.)
Emma starts singing the song about how she needs to bone Rocky Horror because she’s been so virginal and now she’s all fired up betwixt her legs and needs something to put out that itch. (A little Lotrimin should help.) She has a bubble voice, but she’s a decent singer. And it is a hot scene, but I can’t imagine them performing this. Think: that would be Rachel in her place. Brittany and Santana watch from the windows, singing the chorus. Emma rips off Will’s shirt in the song, gripping his chesticles, then as the song ends, her breast heaving, she races out, embarrassed.
….and Will needed help singing what exactly? [DRINK.] Oh. And then! He tells Sam that Sam’s not going to play Rocky, and Sam asks, “Is there something wrong with my body?” Will’s reply? “Oh, no! Your body is fine.” Rawr, keep it PG, Teach. [DRINK]
Sam tells Finn in the locker room that he’s no longer playing Rocky, Mr. Schuester is. [DRINK] He tells Finn to be confident and everyone will think he’s hot. That’s all it takes! And 400 crunches, an hour on the lat pull down, and 100 Congdon Curls a day. Good luck, bro! Finn sticks out his chin, rips off his clothes (minus a pair of voluminous white boxers) and walks down the hallway. Why? NO ONE KNOWS. [DRINK.]
Finn’s a no show for their forty-millionth dress rehearsal, so Will plays his part during the “Brad! Janet! Dr. Scott! Rocky! GRR.” scene of discovery. Rachel cracks me up with her (intentional) over acting. Will finds out that Finn is in Figgins’ office, facing suspension. He’s had to bring in grief counselors to deal with students horrified by seeing Finn’s granny panties.
Will talks him down to a verbal, and Figgins asks him to really think about why he’s doing this musical, since its causing so much trouble. Never mind that he could pull the plug as principal, it’s all on Will now.
We’re now at the scene where we started, with Carl interrupting, wanting to know about this whole working his lady fair thing. Oh, he knows about the dirty song they sang together, and he doesn’t like it. That was a dick move, Will Schuester.
Becky trick or treats later that night? Day? No one knows what day or time it is anymore. Let’s…do…the time…warp…again! She tells Will that RHPS is “an abomination.” He wonders where she’s heard that, and Becky takes her to Sue’s office to watch her latest Sue’s Corner, where she makes a very reasonable appeal for decency in our schools.
“Just because you’re free to say whatever you want doesn’t always mean you should. Artist are free to push boundaries to make art but when pushing boundaries is their only aim the result is usually bad art.“
Will gets it, there’s no way to argue with her logic. He confronts her, accuses her of setting him up, but then says that she was right all along. (She’s able to feed off that apology for weeks, she hardly will need to recharge with the tears of small babies.) And he tells her that because she made such a salient point he’s canceling the show.
“What? Nooo!” Bye, bye, local Emmy.
Will and Emma hang on the edge of the stage. He apologizes for being a pushy maniacal creeper and admits that Carl is the better man because he’s “making her better.” (Guys? SHE is making HERSELF better. Men don’t fix us, shocking, I know.)
“If I really love you, I need to back off.” But he doesn’t really love her, so he chloroforms her, puts her in the back of his car, and builds an elaborate gold birdcage for her to live in, providing his empty life with her captured song. Sing for me, ginger nightingale. Or would that be a Red Headed Snippet?
(OMG, I miss crazy soap operas so much. It’s like a phantom limb itch.)
Will dusts the chemicals off his hands, tries to rid himself of his crazy look and tells the kids they’re not going to perform the musical for the public, just for themselves. Sooooo it’ll be just like one of the thousand dress rehearsals? Sounds great.
It’s just a jump to the left, and a step to the right and they’re all performing “Time Warp” with robotic precision. Will, of course, gives them a standing ovation. [DRINK]
Drunken Thoughts. Guys, you have no idea how hard this is. I know some of y’all looooove this musical with the force of a burning sun. And normally I love musicals! I love camp! I love parody! But this… And normally I love Glee! Rachel was a standout for being hilarious, and Finn gets points for looking perfect in the part, ditto Kurt, and let’s give Chord Overstreet a standing ovation for standing in those teeny pants just so stay at home moms like me could remember why I get up in the morning.
Son? Thank you. Bless.
But this wasn’t their best. You know what’s going to make it all better? Tomorrow’s recap of “Never Been Kissed.” I feel happiness every time I think of the Warbler Over Dancer Mega Approver. That dudebro pumps his fist like a Jersey Shore local.