Glee! 2.06 – Never Been Kissed

Welcome to Gay Hogwarts where we’ve banned Slytherin and dapperness is a required part of your uniform!

Oh, that first kiss. I remember mine, and it was… well, it was awkward. Is there a first kiss on the back of a church bus trip that isn’t? Once you figure it out, though, it’s pretty terrific. Today’s cocktail is focusing on the sweetness of first times: As Sweet As Cherry Pie.

Our free space is to drink when you feel like hitting people for being jerk faces.

 

Sam continues to be an absolute helper by being mostly naked on screen again (thanks, buddy.) He and Finn are in cold/hot tubs respectively, talking about how you keep things in control when making out. Finn thinks back on almost killing a mailman and his mother’s shrieks (which worries me that he’s going to develop a complicated fetish down the road) but since Sam’s never had that happen, he’s just relying on cold showers.

Sam flashes back on a recent make out session with Quinn – kissing under the watchful eye of her Virgin Mary statue, which cracks me up because too late, girlfriend – and how she’s not going to go any further than maybe some light Levi-Lovin’. He needs his own metaphoric mailman, cut to Coach Beiste picking a wedgie. Yes! Let’s think of the “ugly lady,” awesome. [DRINK]

Tina and Kurt walk down the hallway, with Tina noting Kurt’s fashionable sweater, one of the latest trends. Karofsky passes them and body checks him into the lockers. Hard. So that’s still happening. [DRINK]

Puck is back in class after a stint in juvenile hall, and apparently it was Sandals for Hoods with all inclusive Eggo Waffles and hourly nerd punchings to keep in shape. And a puppy fashioned from towels on your pillow nightly!

Mr. Schuester tells the kids he knows who their competition will be: a private school’s a capella group, The Warblers, and a school for the elderly getting their GEDs, the Hipsters. Santana is amused by the private school as “a million awesome gay jokes just popped into [her] head!” Kurt is not amused. To get them fired up, Will initiates another boys vs. girls contest. Kurt tries to go with the girls, but is denied by Mr. Schuester. Kurt grumble stomps to the side with the boys.

At Artie’s locker, Puck shows up, pulls Artie’s handbrake on his chair, and starts pushing him down the hall. Artie asks to maybe be shoved down the back stairs this time, as it’s less populated, which means less embarrassment. (Who the hell is pushing kids in wheelchairs down stairs? I know this is meant to be silly, but good lord.)

Puck isn’t going to go all Odessa Steps on him, he got out of Juvie early because he wants to do community service. Instead of picking up trash on the highway (which is totes ghetto) he told his parole office he had a “crippled” friend he could help. He is not going back, because Hood Sandals doesn’t have two essentials: chicks or Kosher meals. So…you’re going to be friends?

“Slow down, Professor X, I never said anything about being friends.” He just wants to impart wisdom on how to be awesome so he can stay out of the clink, that’s all.

Karofsky walks past Kurt with a menacing glare that portends danger. Kurt shouts at him, “What’s your problem?”

Uh what? Victims aren’t supposed to talk back, and – as Dave shows his fists: Mr. Anvil and Señor Hammer – he’d happily like to drop some knowledge on Kurt’s face. With his fists. Karofsky slopes off, and Will shows up, evidently seeing enough to know that Kurt’s being bullied, but not enough to, oh, I don’t know, call the principal or something? [DRINK]

He asks Kurt how he can help (confront Karofsky? Bring this up to the principal? Advocate for Zero Tolerance at the school?) but Kurt waves this off. He has no faith that anything will change, because Will tolerates homophobia; he’s seen it. Also? Your lesson plans are boring and involve way too much Journey and cheese-rock and those vest make you look stupid. And your classes don’t challenge me in the least. Neener.

Back in Glee, Will has had a change of heart and wants to revamp the contest. “I’m not tossing the baby out with the bathwater, here!”

Brittany replies, “I’ve totally done that!” [DRINK]

Here’s the twist: the boys will sing something out of their comfort zone, ditto the ladies. Chick song for the dudes and heavy rock for the girls. I can’t wait to see Rachel singing Cannibal Corpse, who’s with me!? Kurt immediately whips out an Idea Board replete with not one, not two, but four types of fur and some feathers. Kurt? Bob Mackie thinks it’s too much. The guys are not willing to go that far out of their comfort zone (and come on, cheetah, zebra and leopard prints? Kurt, you’re better than that. [DRINK]) so they send Kurt out on recon to Dalton Academy.

Sam and Quinn fool around some, and before he lets himself pop a stiffy, he imagines Beiste in a negligee while chopping a standing rib roast. Um, I just need to put this out there: since she joined the cast she’s been made fun of for her looks. And this episode is ultimately about feeling shame for doing it. Maybe heed your own advice, writers? Anyway… Quinn is frustrated that her boyfriend isn’t getting hot enough for her, because she lives to make him hard but not give in, and demands he say her name while climbing on top of him. He smiles and whispers, “Beiste….”

Quinn Fabray is not amused.

She talks about this the next day to Coach Sue, she’s doing everything right: good grades, back on Cheerios, dating the hottest guy in school… And he’s thinking of his football coach. This is the most horrific image Sue can imagine. Well, next to thinking about Will Schuester and Don King’s hair and a bottle of coconut oil on a plate of fried clams.

Hmm, maybe Sue can use this to her own advantage… Quinn needs to publicly call Sam out on his weird interest in his teacher to get Beiste in trouble. Meanwhile, Sue is going to need to look at some horrific images to get Beiste out of her mind. Off to the Wound Care page she goes.

Puck and Artie have their first community service meeting where they sing Bob Marley’s “One Love” while Puck busks for coin. Evidently steel drums are a hot thing to have at the school in Western Ohio, as there are no less than three guys playing them in the courtyard. That seems legit. I will say that Puck and Artie should sing more together, because their voices sound wonderful.

Puck threatens most of the crowd and they end up with about $300 bucks to buy clove cigarettes and dirty magazines. Brittany and Santana walk by, and Artie admits to maybe still having feelings for her. Easy to fix, the four of them will go to Breadstix where Puck can impart more of his hard-won lady know-how on Artie.

But let’s face it, this moment coming up is why we’re here. Kurt heads over to Dalton wearing an outstanding jacket and pant combo. [DRINK] The school is basically gay Hogwarts sans Slytherin. “But where’s the magic, Stoney?” you might ask. Well, that would be found in the boy who turns around when Kurt, confused at the rush of students on the staircase, asks him “Excuse me?”

The dapper gentleman who turns around and smiles, as birds explode from his ears in song, grabs him by the hand and leads him to an impromptu concert. Because this is how Dalton rolls, y’all, where the dudes sing in eight part harmony, guys hold hands, and everyone’s hair is perfection. Also, they have mother truckin’ scones with clotted cream for Saturday brunch, because these hombres don’t play around. They will be perfect, or they might as well not show up.

Kurt’s face at this unexpected Wonderland in tailored jackets:

As they arrive at the Chesterfield-strewn lounge that is fresh from a Merchant and Ivory production, Kurt sees all of the perfect boys smiling and happy and says, “I stick out like a sore thumb!” And Perfect Magic Boy smooths Kurt’s lapel in a flirtatious way, keeps smiling, and calls him a silly boots. Whatever, guys, that’s what I heard. OH. AND THIS PERFECT MAGIC BOY IS THE LEAD SINGER OF THE WARBLERS.

You know where the writers stumbled? Not making Blaine Anderson (for that’s who he is) shit gold bricks. But wait, he’s such a gentleman that he would never do such a thing, he’d excuse himself, turn his head and quietly cough into a handkerchief, and delicately pluck the gold coin that appeared there and hand it to an orphan, who would just happen to be standing close by. “Thanks, Gov’nor! Me grandmam can finally get that surgery she’s needed!”  And Blaine would ruffle the orphan’s hair and the child would instantly be healed from his rickets.

(Please know that I love Blaine Anderson with the force of a thousand swords striking at evil at the same time. He reminds me so much of one of my first boyfriends, down to the tailored jacket and precise hair part, heavily jelled to make it look Proper and Fine. I can’t help it; I find gentlemen to be dreamy.)

Speaking of dreams, the Warblers, led by Blaine, break out Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream,” and this performance is what made me love that song. We’ve all heard it a thousand times, and I’ll listen to it a thousand more times because Darren Criss is utterly charming. My favorite moment during the performance, aside from Kurt almost passing out from desire – both for the handsome boy and for the chance to perform for a willing audience – my favorite thing is the guy standing to Kurt’s right.

Mr. Over-Dancer Fist-Pumper. Guys? You know what is kick ass? A bunch of dudes singing a song by a chick in a blue wig. No, it’s not kick ass, it’s epicly stupefying in its own personal wonderment of boss-level hell yeahitude. FIST PUMP, WHOO KATY PERRY!!! Am I right, fellas? Am I? Whatever, watch me bounce this shizzle OUT.

Back at McKinley, Tina has learned the Beiste Technique and lures Mike into the astronomy room for a make out session. I guess they don’t actually have astronomy at McKinley, because this room is always empty. They’re getting to the dry hump portion of the make out when Tina thinks of Beiste in a tutu smoking a stogy (there’s a lot of Freud in there) and whispers her name out loud. Uh oh.

Quinn corners Sam in the hallways and starts Operation Humiliate Sam, who just wants to talk in private because he’s not a total jerk. Coach Beiste shows up and tells her to keep it down. Quinn snaps back at her prompting a Beiste-ism: “Watch your tone, Missy! You crap on my leg, I’ll cut it off!”

Will talks to Mike and Sam, trying to find out what’s what. He gets mad at them for thinking things that are mean, especially since he’s raising these kids to be kind to everyone, what with them being super losers and all. He tells them how hurt Beiste would be, tells them to cut it out, and that Beiste can never know. NEVER. (Remember this. [DRINK])

Later, Blaine and two other Warblers take Kurt to the Lima Bean to find out why he’s spying on them. (They figured it out, and think there’s more to it than just eying the competition.) Kurt wants to know if they’re all gay, to which they laugh, because most 17 year old boys are so comfortable with their sexuality that this would never inspire a knee jerk reaction. Well, Blaine is gay, the others have girlfriends. (That doesn’t mean they’re not gay…)

They tell Kurt how open their school is, that people aren’t allowed to be treated like second class citizens. Kurt gets really emotional at this, because let’s face it – he’s a prop at McKinley. A prop and a punching bag. Literally. Blaine tells the other guys to am-scray so he can find out what’s going on. Kurt catches him up on the tales of Karofsky and it turns out that Blaine was out at his old high school and was bullied enough to “really… piss him [Blaine’s bully] off.” So he left and came to Gay Hogwarts.

Memorable moments in the conversation:

Kurt: “I’m the only person out at my school. There’s a Neanderthal whose life’s passion is to make mine a living hell. And no one seems to notice.”

Blaine: “The faculty’s mindset is if you’re gay, your life is just going to be miserable, shrug.”

Blaine encourages Kurt to stand up for himself, as that’s something he never did. Blaine still regrets running away, no matter how great Dalton is. Blaine’s a good friend for Kurt, and a great mentor. And a total cutie pie. I AM SORRY. HE IS.

The girls are working on their assignment, all but Rachel. “The assignment is to do the opposite of what’s expected.” Ha. Puck and Artie come in, giving Artie a chance to work on his Puck assignment. “I would like to say that I don’t want a long term relationship with either of you. Especially Brittany since I’m not in love with her.”

Brittany’s ears perk up. She and Santana ask the guys out, and they give them a definite maybe, sorta. The girls should just show up, and if they can’t find hotter chicks, maybe they’ll consider possibly joining them. And of course this works.

Get ready for a lot of drinking. Beiste talks to Will, wanting to know what’s going on with his kids. Remember how Will said that she can never know? He proceeds to tell her in vivid detail. [DRINK] Oh, and naturally she asks for gory details, too. She tells him how hurt she is, and his words? “Aw, don’t take it personally.” [DRINK] How can she not? The show named her BEISTE for crying out loud. [DRINK.]

Artie and Puck have the girls out on a date, and Puck tells everyone about how bad ass he was at Sandals for Hoods with all the Eggo domination he exhibited. Plus, they had a lagoon pool and slide. And an all-you-can-eat soft serve ice cream buffet. Brittany whispers to Artie, “I’ve been squeezing your leg for the last half hour. Are you not attracted to me?” [DRINK!] Artie plays it cool until Puck decides they’re going to dine and dash.

Uh…hell to the no. Artie isn’t okay with that, so he hangs back, sneaks money on the table, and is busted by Puck. He’s not going to give Artie his trade secrets any more, not if he’s going to be a punk like that. Puck leaves as the meat in a Cheerio sandwich.

This is a show about music, right? The girls do a mash-up of the Stone’s “Start Me Up” and Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” and it’s alright. Both songs are just over played, it’s really over the top, they all have leather outfits and isn’t this a poor school in a poor town? I do laugh at Quinn dressed like Bret Michaels, though. The girls are all really good singers, so there’s always that to fall back on, even when I’m not jazzed by the actual music.

During their performance, Kurt gets a text from Blaine: “COURAGE!” Aww. Becky comes in right after the girls finish with a note from Sue, instructing him to meet her in the auditorium. Sue’s set up some confetti cannons to celebrate her getting Beiste fired. Well, not fired, but Beiste did resign. Sue got her budget back, hooray! Boom, boom, go the cannons.

You know, she couldn’t have done it without those rotten Glee kids who cut their stupid “We’re all alike, we’re all one! We’re all equally ugly!” crap and got mean, making fun of a fellow loser. Thanks, buddy! Oh, and clean up the mess, thaaaaaaanks.

Kurt’s at his locker the next day (wearing a horrid graffiti print scoop neck T with his red plaid pants. Scoop necks on boys… no me gusta. [DRINK.]) when Karofsky comes along and violently slams him into the locker. Kurt’s had it, he just read the text message again, and Karofsky slapped it out of his hand! He follows Karofsky into the locker room, shouting, “What’s your problem?”

Gay cooties, obviously, to which Kurt scoffs. Dave Karofsky is so far from his type it’s not even funny. “Is that right?”

…that’s an interesting reaction, Dave. Kurt yells that Karofsky can’t punch the gay out of him, no more than he can punch the ignoramus out of Karofsky. He is NOT going to change he-

Karofsky pulls him in for a passionate kiss. Well, passionate on Karofsky’s side. Kurt is utterly shell-shocked and pulls away. I swear to god, Dave whimpers when Kurt pulls back.

He goes in for a second kiss and Kurt shoves him away with all his strength. That’s a bucket of cold water to Dave, who bangs his fist into the locker by Kurt’s face and races out, leaving Kurt standing in horror, hand to his mouth, wanting to know the license on that truck that just blind-sided him.

Back in class, Will tells the kids that they’re jerks for having private thoughts that he shared in public detail with Coach Beiste, causing her to quit. Way to go, kids. [DRINK] Quinn figures out her part in this and apologizes to Sam, Finn shouts out that this is terrible, he really likes the Coach. Will is ashamed of them. [DRINK – ugh, Schuester, you hypocrite!]

Figgins drags him away to his office, where Puck is sitting with his probation officer. They thought “hanging with a crip” meant he was working with a gang outreach, not Artie. If he doesn’t find a suitable service project, he’s going back to Juvie. He freaks out, panicking at the thought. He yells at them all that none of them really care about him, anyway.

Blaine comes out to McKinley so he and Kurt can talk to Karofsky about what happened. Kurt is wearing one of my favorite jackets. They’ve figured it out this season, right? [DRINK] Dave walks by, “Hey, lady-boys.” Blaine tells him that he knows about the locker room incident. “Oh, yeah? What’s that?” and accuses Kurt of kissing him. When Blaine uses quiet reason on him, that just sets Dave off, who shoves Blaine into the wall. Kurt’s had it and pulls Karofsky away from Blaine, screaming, “You have to stop this!” Dave storms off and Blaine says, “Well, he’s not coming out any time soon…”

They sit on the steps and Kurt reveals that this is very upsetting to him, not just for the obvious reasons but because that’s the first time a boy has kissed him. And raise your hand if you wanted Blaine to kiss him right then? Blaine nudges him with his knee and offers to buy him lunch. Heart hands!

Beiste is cleaning out her office and Will comes in, telling her that he was a jerkface weasel, she’s great, and then walks away. HE WALKS AWAY YES HE DOES WHAT HAPPENS DOESN’T HAPPEN. (Wouldn’t that be lovely?) Sigh.

He tells her that they’re suckers for coming back to high school, since nothing saving your parents screws you up more. Except for experimental plastic surgery. Guys? I’m here to tell you that Frisbee rims just don’t make good cheekbones, learned that the hard way.

Blah blah, Beiste is unhappy being huge and manly but a lady inside, and is almost 40 and never kissed by a man, and if that would only happen, why, her life could get a jump start and the world would be her oyster. Will pulls open his shirt to reveal a modified Superman symbol, – it’s a W – and says “Let me make your life have meaning,” and kisses her. Because she’s beautiful inside and if he could just bestow this gift upon her, she can wake up and be the Disney princess of her dreams.

And here’s the difference with this and me wanting Blaine to kiss Kurt: Kurt is attracted to Blaine. It’s obvious that he’s developing feelings. It would be reciprocated. There’s not even a whiff of that with the Will-Beiste kiss, it’s all about him finding her pitiful and “gifting her” with a kiss, because he’s got man powers in his lips. [DRINK] He tells her to come to Glee tomorrow for another gift from the guys.

Puck decides to leave town instead of picking up trash, and Artie tells him that’s whack, yo. But Puck wasn’t honest about juvie, he got jumped the first day and his nipple ring was ripped out! Whatever, lady parts, he needs to suck it up, let Artie teach him geometry while Puck picks up soda cans, and have someone that’s a good influence in his life for a change. That’s actually good advice, Artie.

Once again Karofsky passes Kurt in the hallway and brutally slams him into the lockers. First, Kurt was wearing a fetching yellow sweater coat with a black and white gingham check shirt. [DRINK.] And Kurt had just been looking at a collage he’s made saying “Courage!” under a framed photo of Blaine (how did he get that?) But you know what? It’s hard to be courageous when this is happening multiple times a day. He sits on the floor, utterly frightened and alone.

The Glee guys are wearing their Motown Best for Beiste. They tell her how much they like her, and that she has a pretty smile (what about skin? Does she have nice skin, too? Or hair? Anything but her face, right? ARGH. [DRINK]) And they say she’s awesome, like a mash-up. They sing a mash-up of “Stop In The Name Of Love” and En Vogue’s “Free Your Mind,” and I miss the early 90s, En Vogue was awesome.

I don’t think mash-ups are, however. They sing wonderfully (as usual) and end with a big group hug, initiated in a weird way by Artie, who waves her over and says, “C’mere!” That’s still your teacher, guys.

 

Drunken Thoughts: Ugly stuff first, the whole Beiste story is super upsetting for multiple reasons. Mostly I feel bad for Dot-Marie Jones, as she has to act out this crap. You know it hurts, please. I’m in the acting world, and I get audition calls for “not model-pretty, but not unattractive.” And then the stats for body shape, size, pound range, etc. is all listed. And all the things they don’t want. This for a part as an “average mom” or whatever. There’s an agency that specializes in unattractive people. It’s called The Ugly Agency, did you know? I just… I hate when someone has to play something that probably hits too close to home.

And I just hate where they’ve taken Will this season. Get it back on track, writers. Look up “man-splaining” and then quit doing it.

But BLAINE. Kurt and Blaine, I adore them now and forever. I love that there’s someone that kind and courteous and is happy with himself for Kurt to hang out with, and I love how brave Kurt is becoming. He’s always been brave, but he’s standing up for himself more and more, and not taking anything less than he deserves. Well, he’s getting there. There’s a lot of happy sighing at my end, because I’m so pleased that regular television is building a relationship between two gay kids. Gay kids that you can root for, not as a prop for the straight kids.

And I want to be a fly on the wall at Dalton Academy for Gay Boys Being Accepted For Random Sing-Alongs and Tie Straightenings. (That’s really hard to fit on a crest, but they manage somehow.)

And I have to say that watching the naked need (and want) on Kurt’s face as he sees his dream place manifest itself before his eyes (a boy is singing to him) almost makes that scene too intimate, if you feel me? Oh, I wouldn’t change a thing, I’m just amazed at how wonderfully raw Chris Colfer can be.

 

Next episode: GWYNETH PALTROW as The Subtitute.