THE EPISODE WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR IS HERE! Kinda! Well, it gets started, but we have to wait until Sunday night to see the rest of the Mike “The Snitch-uation” and Ron “Gorillas of the Mist” knock each other out. (Ha, I’m kidding. Mike can’t knock out ‘Roid Rage Ron, come on!)
But first we have to deal with last night’s robbery…
Everyone’s in bed, Deena’s wearing her eye mask with “Totally Trashed” embroidered on it, and Brit – Mike’s +1 – is smirking and leaving Mike’s bedroom. I would expect a girl to have a face of abject horror and self-loathing, so I don’t get the smirk. Like, she’s proud of that conquest? That’s like thinking you’re the first to discover this little thing called “cheddar cheese.” (You ever hear of it? It’s like, really good.) Also, I will never forgive Mike for sleeping on cheese sheets back in Jersey.
She tries to get her twin to leave, but she’s moved from Deena to Vinny, and doesn’t want to go. Mike tells her that her sister’s leaving and she snaps, “I’m an individual!” Great. You’re your own person with a twin, that’s cool. But get the hell out of the house. She sticks around for another few minutes and has Vinny call her a different cab. Eye roll.
Ron gets caught up on all the wacky hilarity that ensued with Deena, Erica, and Vinny, and Vinny tells him that normally he’s cool with a tag-team (gah) but that was a tag-robbery. Ron takes this story and tells Snooki and Sam, who are grossed out by the Lesbionic tendencies of Deena and then the sloppy-seconding by Vin. Really? You’re grossed out by girls kissing? Come on.
The next morning Pauly D and the guys head out for food, but Vinny makes sure his boo has his Reeboks all pumped up first. I had no idea they were still making pump, pump, pump it up! Reeboks. Or that people that weren’t waiters still wore Reeboks. The more you know, rainbow. Pauly wants the real story about Mike and Snooki, and Mike tells them that a few months ago, his friend “Unit” and Snooki’s friend “Ryder” were making with the smush-smush and that evidently got Snooki so horny that she just had to break off a pitch of the Mike Snitch bar.
Vinny, who might feel a little jealous of that, asks him if he swears to god, but Mike works on a different set of morals and swears on his sister. He insists that Snooki dropped to her knees and orally worshiped at the Altar of Ego, aka, gave Mike a BJ. Ew. I bet it smelled and tasted like bleach and a handful of nickels on a hot day.
The girls head out for a little of the same, but with wine. Snooki tells them that she will never talk to Mike again. Ever. (Let’s remember this for future reference.) Jenni wants to know if there’s any chance they can repair things, but Nicole is adamant: nope. Sam decides there’s not enough focus on her, or drama she creates, so she tells the group that “everyone’s saying Deena is having a lesbian moment.” Deena can’t be ruffled by that, though. “Eh. We made out, big whoop.”
Snooki, drinking a glass of pinot “greeg” through a straw says, “I licked a nipple one. It was weird.” Especially since her dog didn’t ask for it.
Hey-o, so Pinot Grigio is the Italian version of Pinot Gris and comes from just up the road, by Milan. Get a load of this, Italians drink more wine than anyone else in the world. In your face, France, ya Nancys.
They go shopping and check out the “grower” dong on the bronze statue of David out in the piazza. When they get back to the house, the guys are ready to rip into Deena. Vinny remarks, “At least the carpets are extra clean today.” Ron starts his creepy Voldemort laugh. They keep laughing, and that’s what upsets Deena. She doesn’t like them judging her, especially considering the grenades they’ve brought home. They can shut up for all she cares, she had a good time.
Sunday dinner should be interesting. And once again, it’s the guys cooking. “Don’t put too many onions in the sauce!” Pauly yells at Ron. I love that they know how to cook proper food. And the girls, the “Italian, old school” girls? Sitting on the couch. Now, I’m not saying girls belong in the kitchen, but they should cook as much as the guys do. I’m all for fairness.
Snooki goes to call Jionni as the girls hover around her, ready to offer support if needed. She tells Jionni that Mike’s been saying they hooked up two months ago. She assures him it’s not true, and he believes her. He even says he loves her. Aww. It’s sweet, he’s really into her.
“Lets have babies.” Snooki breathes.
“Are you out of your mind?” Hmm, maybe not into her that much.
The food is done and it looks outstanding, as usual. Seriously, I know I say this every season, but I love that the guys can throw down in the kitchen. For a bunch of partying tanbros, they have diverse skills, it’s awesome. The girls put on big floppy Sophia Loren hats with their boobs hanging out for dinner.
Pauly asks Snooki if there are lemons over there, but she grabs her chesticles and says, “These aren’t lemons, they’re melons.” Ha ha ha.
It’s super awkward at the table with no one wanting to bring up the Deena drama or the Mike/Snooki drama. Well, no one until Mike asks Deena how she liked his girl (remember, he originally was going to hook up with Erica until Deena stole her, then handed her back to Vinny.) She shrugs, laughs, and tells everyone that they just kissed, there was no oral, even though Erica “I’m a virgin!” wanted to go down on Deena. Deena, being polite, asks Vinny how he liked her?
Mike tells the camera that Deena now has a criminal record of cock-blocking, it’s a serious offense. (Hey, it’s a robbery, not a cock-block. I’m just going by the rules as established in Season 1.) The guys start being shitty to her, but D had her before Vinny, so they need to step off. Or have a dance battle in the living room.
The girls sit around while the guys clean up (that’s not fair, ladies, you have to share responsibilities!) Deena is getting more and more upset with the ribbing the guys are giving her (because it doesn’t seem good natured, honestly, Vinny and Pauly seem legitimately mad about it) and she’s upset that she’s lost her “one of the guys” status. If Vinny robbed a chick from Mike, they’d all be laughing. But because she did it, it’s cock-blocking? Pfft.
Vinny and Pauly want to pull a prank on her, so they take her mattress and bedding and toss it in the living room. Snooki sees it first, Deena stares like it’s the body of her dead grandmother on the street, and goes to get hugs from Sam. Sam, meanwhile, has her serious, “I am handling some shit like a grownup!” face which isn’t too far from her “Men are pigs!” face, soothing and patting Deena as she sobs. Aww, D, don’t bawl, they’re just boys.
Jenni goes in there and takes the boys to task for being dicks. She’s just not cool with them making her cry, she doesn’t really give a shit about who robbed who or any of that ridiculousness. Somewhere around Season 3 Jenni became the voice of reason, the lone adult on the show, have you noticed that? I think being with Roger has been the final puzzle piece for her to get her head cleared of drama and just want a happy, productive life. Good for you, bubulah, you’re my forever girl.
The guys say they feel bad about her crying, but you know they don’t really care. Vinny tells Pauly, “Why’d you do that, bro?” Pauly considers his boyfriend for a moment, wanting to know if he doesn’t see that it was for him, it’s always for him! If only Vinny could see through the jokes, the “taxis son aqui!” the shirtlessness, if he could see that it’s a cry for Vinny’s love, for his companionship. It’s always been for you, Vinny.
“Wanna move the frame, too?” In Pauly translation that really means, “When all of this is over, you and me should get an apartment! …I miss your musk.”
Deena sobs against Sam’s perfectly ironed weave, Sam’s already gritting her teeth at the thought of moisture frizzing the strands, saying “I want…[hic] to go…[hic]…home!”
Jenni wants to know when she signed up for Camp Wannasobalotki. She drags Deena in to the boys room and orders them all to stop acting like 11 year olds and hash their shit out. Deena tells Pauly that he’s changed, and Pauly gets pissed. Pauly never gets pissed, but when he does, he makes the best of it. He SHOUTS at her, “I’ve changed?!” and goes off on how he’s the exact same, day in, day out, it’s her that has changed. Making out with chicks? Well, whatever, every girl he knows has kissed another girl, but she used to be the coolest girl he knew, always giving it back as good as she got, joking around, being the best wing man since Goose, and now she jut cries all the damn time and cock-blocks his boy.
To Deena’s credit, she listened to this, and says, “I don’t know what’s going on with me, this isn’t me! I’m just drinking and doing stupid shit.”
Pauly says, “Sometimes I’m harsh, but you gotta talk to me.” Vinny assures her that he’s not even bothered by this, and as far as he’s concerned, they’re cool. Everyone wants to help her not be a sloppy drunk (good luck with that) and they’re all BFF again, and Snooki brings out the gel pens, they all sign messages of love and promise to talk after summer camp is over. 2 cute + 2 be = 4 gotten. <3
Pauly and Deena get up, drag Nicole out of bed, and head out for their first day of work. They trust Deena to find their way to the pizzeria, and it looks like they’re going to be walking in circles for hours. Except for how Deena totally leads them straight to it. I see what you’re trying to do, editors, but I won’t forget that Deena is a dental hygienist, and if she can call out teeth numbers and what’s what on them, she can walk down a street and get places. (Just work with me here. I’m still impressed she had a job job.)
Snooki starts bitching about the required work hats not being pink and how her hair tucked up “makes her look like a boy.” Gah, the lack of work ethic with these kids never fails to shock me. Most of the employees don’t speak English, so they ramble off in Italian, probably saying, “You look like’ah an orange with’ah that make up! Stop being so lazy! Damn, those are some fat tits!” (They’re Italian men, after all.)
Pauly passes out fliers while the girls have to toss pizza dough. He makes the most of it, bringing in people left and right and flirting with all the single ladies [all the single ladies!] The girls start goofing off, both of them climbing into a trash bag, which the owner doesn’t like, and then paying a customer to buy them each a bottle of wine and sneak it to them in the bathroom. They lock the door and pound as much of the bottle as they can, hiding the leftovers in the linen cabinet.
Their boss bangs on the door, putting them back to work, and immediately finds the bottles of wine and tells them there will be bloodshed tonight! Snooki says they were in there because Deena was on her period and she was giving her a tampon. Now someone hand me the raw dough so I can pat it out with my long fake nails focaccia-style. Feh. I hope they washed their hands.
Back at the house, Ron is on the phone with that girl Hannah. His previous hook up. Uh oh. Jenni hears this and can’t believe this shit. She doesn’t care who he’s with, she just doesn’t want the drama. (Then you shouldn’t have come back for another season, my sweet.)
At the pizzeria, the boss dumps the contents of their wine bottles down the sink, to Snooki’s horror. Deena goes out for a break and to chat up Pauly. She’s glad they’re not weird anymore, because he’s her best guy friend. And a pigeon shits on his hand. The pigeons know they’re there and are making their feelings known, guys.
In the 16th century pigeon poop was the only known source of saltpeter, a really important ingredient fa gunpowder. It was the Tiffany standard of crap. And if you’re looking fa saltpeter, I got ya salty Peter right here. [points to crotch]
Jenni and Ron go shopping, and Ron buys a bunch of things for Sammi, some dresses, a purse, some belts…it’s nice. He brings it back to her and she’s super excited by it, very pleased with every thing he picked out. Maybe these kids are going to make it after all? [That sound you heard was my barking laughter.] Sammi is just super in love with New Ron.
Snooki gets off work and she and JWoww head out for a dinner at a fantastic looking place, where Jenni appears to run the waiter ragged needing a little more of this, a side of that, and so on. As long as she tips well, who cares? Snooki is really missing Jionni so Jenni suggests she get a mold of Jionni’s dong and turn it into a personal vibrator. Aw, that’s nice.
Also on a romantic dinner date is Sam and Ron. They are both so happy that for once the house drama isn’t about them. Oh, kids. That’s like saying “What else can go wrong?” Well, short answer: everything.
Snooki hears all about the Hannah phone calls and advises Jenni to let it go – they don’t want another Miami on their hands. Look at all of this maturity happening!
Everyone gets their tans slapped on, their weaves tugged tight, and the Axe Body spray on 10, it’s time to hit Club Yab (which looks amazing.) It’s Hip Hop night so there are bad ass break dancers all over the floor doing their thing while our group bobs and weaves in the back ground.
There are hot chicks everywhere, but the muppet version of Fergie makes a play for my tenderoni Vinny. He’s thinking he’s going to get it in, but she tells him (after talking for an hour, who has conversations in a dance club fa cryin’ out loud?) that he’s not going to screw her, she just wants to talk. He slips out of her grasp after that, ha ha. Um, these are not the guys that just like “to talk,” honey, sorry. You’re looking for MIT Shore.
Ron’s on the floor having fun, and that can’t be good. Sam stands alone, sending mental waves of BE WITH ME NOW towards him, but mental waves can’t compete with DJ Scribble, yo! Ron’s not wanting a barnacle at the club, but Sam’s thinking of all the blackheads on her nose that need popping, and if Ron doesn’t do it, who will? Is she supposed to do these things by herself like some kind of immigrant?
A female is within three feet of Ron, so she automatically assumes he’s cheating on her and mouths at him that he’s a fucking asshole. Huh?? He has had just enough therapy between seasons to remember that he doesn’t have to take this shit, so he rolls his eyes at her and walks off. Good move, bro. Oh, but she’s drunk, and Drunk Sammi is the worst of all Sammis.
“I just wanna taaaaawk. Raaaaaaaahn, I just wanna taaaaawk!”
Ron tells her that he’s been reading Oprah’s “The Best You,” and he knows now that his inner goddess is dying in her energy flow, and that he has been told that he deserves more than that. He is going to constantly ask himself “what is her truest intention?” He has finally realized that he has worthiness inherent, and no one will shut his voice again! He fans himself with a small leather-bound copy of Maya Angelou quotes.
Sam blinks, she forgot he was tawking, she was too busy wondering if she needed to make Ron order more heartworm pills for her dawgs back in Jersey. “I’m saaaahrry. Don’t be with me. But I still wanna taaaawk.”
I’m not joking, the Closed Captioning on my tv shows “[SOMBER MUSIC]” as Ron Charlie Browns it back to the house. “That’s why I left her,” he says. But she keeps pulling you back in!!
Mike is pulling some chicks, and gets one for Pauly. She’s the prettier one, it should be mentioned, the one for Pauly. They all head back to the place and Pauly gives a tour: “This is the living room, this is the kitchen, this,” pointing at Ron, “is what happens when you take steroids.” I would like to point out Ron’s horrible Caesar hair-cut. Bro? That look aint’ working, bro.
Sam comes home and tries to get in bed with Ron to keep tawking. He’s not interested because his therapy group has been working on him building up his self-worth, and you can’t maintain that when your partner wants to argue when drunk.
Pauly tries to get his girl to lay down in bed with him (it’s 4am, it should be noted, what else are you going to do when you go home from a club with them? You didn’t meet in church, you feel me?) but she’s not ready to do that yet, so he tells her no worries, just go home because he’s going to bed. Pauly doesn’t mess around. She leaves and takes Mike’s girl with her. Ahaha! In your face, Mike!
So he calls up his Bone Buddy, checks his card and sees that he has enough hole punches for a freebie, and she’s set to come over in a few minutes, because she has nothing better to do than service Snitch and smirk. She’s so gross to me, I can’t even. Mike goes into his shared room with Ron, tells him he’s sleeping in the smush room tonight, and that at the end of the day, those two need to remember that they love each other. It’s nice! Snitch said something nice!
Sam lays down on Ron’s bed, so he gets up. She asks for his blanket and good hell, chick. He doesn’t want to talk to you! She’s relentless. He says, “I’ve gotta live with you.” She gets that he means they’re not going to work, and decides to switch on “Super Destructo Mode!”
She throws Mike under the bus (granted, he shouldn’t have said it in the first place) telling Ron how Mike told her about the five girls he’s got coming to see him in Italy. But see, here’s how great Sam is, because she let it go! She brushed that off. Except for how she’s talking about it now.
Ron just hears, “Mike said.” Their bro-code was broken back in Season 1, even though Mike tried to soothe Ron’s tears, rocking him to sleep after every Ron/Sam fight. But Mike is a dick, let’s not pretend otherwise. Ron pulls off his shirt (oh shit) and starts muttering, “Mike said? MIKE SAID,” (uh oh) and storms into the living room mumbling, “I’m gonna flip this kid.” Somewhere I’m assuming he popped some Xenadrine and goes to the antique sofa Mike’s laying on (waiting for Brit.)
He picks up one end of the sofa and slams it down, yelling, “Wake up!” and tries to get Mike riled up. Mike looks totally confused, “What are you doing? What are you talking about?” Ron starts yelling about Mike, what he said, what Sammi says, and when Pauly and Vinny hear that it’s not Ron and Sam fighting, but Ron and Mike? They get up and go see what’s what.
Ron grabs Sam and shoves her towards Mike (I don’t like her, but don’t manhandle women, dick-face) and demands she repeat to Mike what she told Ron. She does, saying, “Don’t lie, you said it” but Mike does nothing but lie, and says that he has recollection of that happening, even though it’s on tape and most of the house was there when he said it. Ron starts throwing Mike’s shit out of their bedroom, yelling, “Get the fuck out, bro! Come on, bro! Bro, don’t broing bro me, bro!”
Jenni comes racing out, trying to figure out what’s happening as well. Mike is either back on coke, or just pissed, or who knows what, but he wakes the hell up, starts screaming that he’s done nothing to them, this is bullshit, and he’s ready to go. He starts pounding his fists on the wall, screaming at Ron to fucking hit him, come on, let’s do this!
Are you kidding me, numb nuts? I know Mike hits the gym, but Ronnie is a freaking gorilla who is a Guido version of Mike Tyson, sad back story and all. Ronnie has been indicted on charges for hitting some dude once and knocking him the hell out, and Mike thinks he can stand up to that? Then again, this is how dudebros are, they’re going to posture and circle and hope they land the first good punch.
Mike and Ron charge at each other, and we see Ron get a punch in, and we have to wait until SUNDAY to see Ron body slam Mike into an iron bed. (And the security staff try multiple times to break them up, unsuccessfully.) Sam is crying during all of this, you should note, saying, “Raaaaaahn! Staaaaaahp!” That should work, Sweetheart.
OMG, TO BE CONTINUED. Gah!
(To tide you over, here’s a quote from Mike in a post-episode interview: “Call me Jean Claude Van Sitch, I was karate kicking people, pretty much on the defense the whole time, pretty much.” Lol.