Jersey Shore 4.05 – The Great Wall of Florence

Trombone noise: Wah waaaaah!


Fight! Fight! Fight!

If this had been a drinking game where we took a shot every time Sammi wailed out, “Staaaaahp!” we’d all be in the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

Last episode ended on the cliffhanger of Mike slobbering out “I don’t get involved in your relationship!” over and over, which is nonsense. It also showed the two guys going at each other, but it failed to show a very important moment that was cut out of last week.

When Mike bangs his fists against the wall, apparently psyching himself up to battle mini-Lou Ferrigno, he also tries the prison-trick of banging his head against the wall to show how crazy he is, maybe convincing Ron that Mike isn’t one to be messing with. Ron is standing perfectly still, waiting for an opening up until Mike slams his head into the wall. The solid stone wall. This isn’t some slap-dash tract home with dry wall over a hollow frame, buddy, this is a centuries old building of solid stone.

He falls to the ground, holding his head and groaning. He is a complete moron. Jenni races over, holds his head still and tries to get him to focus on her face. He’s pretty dazed and can’t seem to get his eyes to look in the same direction. Uh oh.

Ron is in another room at this point as Sammi trails him, wailing like a banshee at an Irish wake, “Raaaaaaahn! Staaaaaaahp! What did I do? Staaaaaahp!” He rounds on her and yells, “So now he’s a dead man because of you and me? Admit it!” Ron is essentially freaking out. You can almost see him do a mental check of where’s his passport, and how quickly can he flee the country.

Mike then pops up like a freakin’ Jack-in-the-Box and starts at Ron again, screaming, “Let’s do it! Let’s do it!!” and we cut to the fight we got a taste of last episode. They charge each other and start swinging as Sam starts her fork on a china plate screaming again, “Staaaaahp!” Ron grabs Mike around the waist and picks him up and throws him into the over-turned iron bed frame. They’re both trying to land punches, but they’re too close, so they’re mostly grappling and trying to crush each other under the weight of their ‘roided up arm muscles.

Two security guards from the MTV staff (you know they learned after Snooki got punched to keep security around) race in and try to pull them apart. The four of them are rolling around, almost flattening Jenni at one point, who has instinctively curled into a ball when the action moved within inches of her.

The security guards are having a hard time pulling them apart, they almost get them, and Mike or Ron would lunge again. Sam stupidly tries to get between them a few times, too. They’re finally separated and the security guys lay on top of Mike and Ron to subdue them. The girls are all crying, Jenni is still curled up with her arms over her head, and I think that Roger is going to beat the shit out of Mike and Ron when he finally sees this tape.

Ron, with 350 pounds of hulk laying on top of him, breathlessly rages, “I’ve been waiting bro, I’ve been waiting a long time to fuck you up.”

Mike gets up and the camera closes in on some lacerations on his neck, probably from when he slammed into the bed frame. The hood on his shirt has been ripped off. He tells the camera in a voice over that he didn’t get hit in the face, so don’t worry ladies. All those muscles didn’t do nothing to him. Ugh, whatever, pug nose.

Mike goes into another room to chill out and Ron hollers at him from the doorway, “How’d my knee feel hitting your face?” Mike pops back up, arms out, posturing again. They throw out some fuck yous, some you’re a pussy’s and other things dudes say when they’re not going to keep fighting. (Truth about fights: they’re over fast. Also, when people won’t stop talking, they’re not wanting to fight.)

Sam is still sloping about the house, her mascara running down her face begging Raaaaahn to staaaaaahp and the girls tell her to get the fuck away from him and let him cool down. Seriously, this girl is either completely stupid, or so egotistical that – oh, I just answered my own question. And then she tells the camera that it’s pissing her off that Jenni is talking to Ron, because she’s the only one that knows what to say to him, what’s going on with him, blah blah blah.

Yes, Sammi imagines herself as Will Hunting to Ron’s algebraic graph theorem. That sounds about right. Hang on, I rolled my eyes so hard, they rolled onto the floor.

Jenni, not knowing that Sammi is a god damned brain-fixing prodigy, keeps yelling at her to walk away. “This isn’t fucking fun anymore, walk away from it!” Vinny and Pauly, in the living room, can’t believe Sam is still trying to talk to Ron. None of us can, dudes, she’s fucking crazy. But Ron knows just what to do to make her quit whining “Staaaaaahp! Raaaahn, towk to me!”

“I’ve been calling girls every night since I’ve been here.” Yep, that shut her up. She finally leaves.

Vinny and Pauly get to the heart of the matter: Mike and Ron have been waiting for this for years. And then Pauly goes into Bob Costas mode, breaking down the merits of the fight.

“I don’t think either of them can fight. I know Mike took, like, karate or whatever and Ron’s all big, but big muscles don’t mean you can punch.” He then gives a play by play of how neither of them really landed any punches, which were weakly thrown in the first place. This was a wrestling match more than a fight. He also believes that Mike slammed his own skull into the solid wall as a way to commit suicide because he was so sick of the Sammi/Ron bullshit. Ahahahaha.

Pauly D? You continue to be the orange glow to this Jersey rainbow.

The girls think Mike needs an ambulance, what with the knocking himself out and how one eye is cocked to the right and he can suddenly speak Japanese. Jenni, because she’s the mom of the house, calls for one, they come and strap him onto a backboard, and carefully maneuver him out of the house. Pauly goes with him, because he’s good people and who wants to be alone at the hospital? The girls watch, silently crying, and wishing boys just pulled hair and called people fat bitches – that rarely lands you in the ER.

Jenni is overcome by the situation, worried Mike could die from a concussion. She tries to talk to Ron, to figure out what’s going on with him and maybe calm him down some, too. Sammi instantly starts bitching that she should be the one talking to him, completely oblivious to her part in the night’s problem. She interrupts them, which makes Ron more angry, and Jenni implores her (“Please, I’m begging you, for the sake of the house!”) to GTFO.

Sammi talks over Jenni begging Ron to “towk” and suddenly, the finger of God comes through the window (passing the murderous flock of brain-hungry pigeons that have silently gathered, waiting for their moment) and He smites her dead with great smoting. And there is much rejoicing!! A sealed door on the Basilica (sealed until a miracle happens in the city of Florence) flies open, a chorus of heavenly angels bursts forth, and a statue of the Virgin Mary begins weeping joyous tears.

Eh, she just finally wanders back to her room and gets in bed.

Ron can’t believe he let himself get so mad, and for what? It really sinks in that Mike has gone to the hospital, and that it’s serious. Jenni thinks this fight was long overdue, and that this is what happens when you keep things bottled up. The only thing that belongs in bottles is AquaNet, Booze, and Spray Tan. Ron finally realizes that this is because of his toxic relationship with Sammi, who DESPERATELY needs therapy. Ron, while hot headed, has the ability to understand why he does the things he does, and pretty quickly, too.

He films a confessional (it’s only on where he talks about how hard he’s had it, how he’s been on his own since he was 16. He’s been homeless and never had parents that supported him or built him up. Everyone else in the house is a spoiled brat that had food made for them, had their laundry done for them, and Ron’s been on his own even before he left. He has a drunk for a mother and a relatively absentee father. The kid has had it rough.

Vinny, Snooki and Deena smoke out on the patio (under the watchful gaze of zombie pigeons hungry for their braaaaaaains) and take turns dissecting the fight. Vinny finally says what we’ve all been thinking: what the fuck was Mike thinking, trying to knock himself out? The hell?

Ron says to the camera that he and Sam can’t be together, blah blah, we’ve heard it all before, bro, okay bro? Bro? You gonna stick to your guns, bro, and stay away from Poison de Sammi? Probably not. (Seriously, she must give OUTSTANDING bow jobs. I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. Maybe she’s a geepsee with a love curse on him?) But he does realize that he owes everyone in the house an apology, so there’s that.

He finds Vinny on one of the antique sofas, tells him he loves him and that he’s sorry. They hug and Vinny – who is back to his normal awesomeness, the douche-tard behavior after getting his ears pierced is gone – tells him it’s mutual, but he doesn’t like how Ron flips out when he’s drunk, that “it’s scary. Please, let’s work on it.”

Vinny tells the camera that Ron flips out and then says he’s sorry, but that’s not okay. And Vinny just dropped some serious knowledge on any meat heads watching: you cannot hit someone and then say “I’m sorry” and reset shit to 0, folks, it just doesn’t work that way.

Sam and Ron go to the smush room and everyone in the house commits suicide. Ron tells her that while he loves her, their relationship is toxic. Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard this, kids. Ron admits to calling a girl, Sammi demands to know who but he won’t name names. She finds out it’s someone from Long Island, and this is significant, we suppose, because she shuts down, tells him they’re “done” (whatever) and leaves.

He’s tired of the fighting (we ALL are, Ron) and decides to go home to NYC. He grabs a suitcase and packs up his Xenadrine, his EXXXTREME BULK UP WHEY SOY PROTEIN BLAST Sperm Juice, when Vinny comes in and Dr. Phil’s his ass. “And how’s that working for ya?” And “This ain’t your first rodeo, son, pull your head out of your ass!” Ron decides to stay because Dr. Vinny just makes sense.

The phone rings, Vinny answers it, and it’s some woman looking for a “Nooki” or a “Sally Jenny?” He figures out it’s a florist, says to call back in the afternoon, and abruptly hangs up. Vinny just wants to get some rest, facryin’ out loud. Ron takes the time to put Mike’s bed back together, realizing he’s going to need a bed when he gets back from the hospital. He still hates Mike, but it’s the right thing to do.

Pauly comes back after several hours at the hospital, tells everyone that Mike’s CAT scan proved negative for major problems, and they’re keeping him there for a few hours’ observation. He and Vinny finally go to bed, sleeping the sleep of the virtuous.

Mike comes back that afternoon, evidently okay. Oh, he’s got some head trauma, and some neck sprain, but he’s all good. He and Vinny hug, and then Mike pulls out a neck brace. No GTL for him for a week. (I wonder if Ed Hardy makes neck braces? How can a real man walk around without sparkles and dragon tattoo designs on his gear?) Mike goes to bed, Ron comes in to check on him, make sure he’s okay, and they both kinda make up, sorta. We all know these two could fight again at any time.

A massive plate of meatball sandwiches materializes next to Mike on his bedside table. Ron leaves the house to get his head on straight and work out. He’s very remorseful, and if someone could just give him a little anger-management training and some self-help know-how, this guy could get to the root of his problems and make some real changes in his life, he’s on the cusp. He’s also far more mature than Sammi, which should tell you everything you need to know.

Jenni wakes up that afternoon to find flowers from Roger waiting for her, and Snooki has some from Jionni. Aww. The roses are beautiful. They check on Mike, see he’s okay and out of it, so the girls and VP head out for some laundry and food. They’re all sick of the Sam/Ron bullshit, just like the rest of the viewing audience is sick of it.

They see Ron in a cafe moping and join him. Ron apologizes to them for his behavior.

Vinny asks him, “Why do you love this girl?”

“I have no idea.”

Jenni offers, “She wanted to see how much you care about her by flipping out on someone else. You gotta be an adult and walk away from this relationship.”

Look at the maturity on these kids, would ya?

Snooki calls Jionni back in the states to thank him for her flowers and to talk dirty. Jionni is a good-ah Catholic ah-boy, and he doesn’t like that smut talk from his ladies. You kiss ya mothah with that mouth? She laughs it off and talks about his sexy butt hole until he gets off the phone.

Sam, riding on the bow of the SS Pettybitch, sorts through her things until she finds everything Ron has ever given her and piles it on his bed. (Ron’ll be glad to get that fake leather purse back, it goes with his Affliction shirts.) She checks on Mike and says, “I feel like I caused the problem.” Well, sugar, that’s because tonight you did. Mike is culpable too. Let’s tie them both together and throw them on Leper Island and forget they exist, what do you say?

Mike wasn’t even listening, though. He gets up, groaning, and when no one runs to see how he is, groans louder. The Charlie Brown music plays and he slumps around the house having a sad. He sniffles and wipes his eyes, wishing someone would just pat him and make him soups and tell him he was a brave boy and tuck him in with a blankie and a kiss to his fevered brow.

The gang returns, and when Jenni sees Mike in his neck brace, she proves why she is my all time favorite. “I saw him in a neck brace and think he’s doing an insurance claim.” Ahaha. Pauly just thinks he looks ridiculous in sunglasses and a neck brace. (Pauly, he’s hiding his tears with those specs, come on.)

Ron sees all of his gifts on his bed, grabs them up and tosses them in the garbage. Sam is horrified (what did she think he would do?) and snatches stuff out of the bin. He throws in the diamond earrings he gave her and she tells the camera, “Who throws diamonds away, please?” Woman, you did when you threw them on his bed, idiot.

Mike must be on some Demorol because he’s laughing weirdly and talking to Ron about why he hit his head on the wall. He fought someone twice as big as Ron once (yeah, okay) and knew it was going to hurt, so he decided to get the pain out of the way. Problem was, he didn’t realize it wasn’t sheet rock, just rock. Mike keeps talking and talking, not realizing that Ron isn’t even in the room anymore.

The girls go out for Mexican food (what? In ITALY?) and talk about how stupid boys are. RVP go out, leaving Mike, and have a blast at a club dancing. Pauly gets trashed, happy to be with single Ronnie, and dances up on a girl that seems really into him. Some skinny Italian dude gets in his face saying, “Che cosa? Che cosa?” (What? What’s your problem?) Pauly doesn’t know what it means, but he gets that the guy isn’t happy with him. The guy keeps saying it over and over, posturing.

Pauly goes over to him a few minutes later and says loudly, “What’s up, baby? WHAT’S UP, BABY?” switching to a high voice, a low voice, a Californian accent, he even does Yosemite Sam and Johnny Bravo voices. People try and pull them apart so there’s no fight, and I secretly believe Pauly wants to show Ron how to fight with actual punches. Vinny knows Pauly was just drunk and snapping after some dude got in his face, and it defuses quickly. Aww.

Snooki checks on Mike when they get back from dinner. She tells him that she’s still mad at him, but it scared her to see one of her roommates laid out like that. She tells him they’re friends, but that’s all. Mike tells the camera that clearly they’re meant to be together. (There is not enough WHAT in the world, guys.)

At the club Ron has some chick up on his jock, but instead of bringing her back home like Vinny and Pauly want, he decides that he doesn’t want to just bang a chick, he wants more. Oh crap, dude, just wet your wick. Sammi, back at the house, wanders around not knowing what to do with herself. The guys come back from the club and Ron has STUPIDLY bought her flowers to say sorry for the fight. That’s all he means by it, but this is Crazy Lady who now believes there is some hidden meaning like this is the daVinci Code.

“Did you bring home girls?” (The guys have been home for a few minutes now, clearly alone.)

“I just gave you flowers, what the fuck?”

“Why would you give me flowers if you don’t want to talk to me?”

Ron tells the camera, “Why did I do this?” WE DON’T KNOW, DUDE. He throws the flowers away, and as soon as he’s out of the room, Sammi skitters in on her spider legs, snatches them up, and puts them in a pasta pot of water, plotting ways to ensnare Ron into her web once again. He is all juicy, he could feed her for months.


Next Week: Sam and Ronnie fight, I bet! FUCK. I’m so sick of those two, I’ll be going back to fantasy recapping of them if nothing changes. There’s your heads up. YEP. Fantasy Recapping here.