Can I just tell you, internet best friend, that I think the Burt Hummel-Carole Hudson wedding is one of the cutest things ever? Champagne cocktails are in order, I’d say! Today is a wedding themed drink: Old, New, Borrowed & Blue.
Kurt is frog-marched down the hallway at school by Carole and Burt, who are grinning from ear to ear. But I have to point out that Kurt is wearing a touque with ear flaps. Missoni print or no, ear flaps? [DRINK.] They find Finn, who worries this is some kind of intervention. (For what, an addiction to Halo, Hot Fries and Henleys?) Burt and Carole play a game of, “No, you tell them!” “No, you tell them!”
Burt Hummel, greatest father on TV (In your face, Mr. Steven Keaton!) brought Carole to the classroom where they were first introduced (at a PTO meeting) and popped the question, ignoring the confused home room class. And she said YES. Finn looks pretty stunned, but Kurt looks overjoyed. After all, he hasn’t kept a trunk full of bridal magazine for nothing! (Brides, For the Bride, The Modern Bride, The Elegant Bride, The Elegant Modern Bride, The Tall Bride, The One-Legged Bride – they get specific, is what I’m saying. And Vera Wang has a dress for all of them.)
Burt doesn’t care about making it expensive, he wants to save as much money for the honeymoon as possible as he plans on taking her to Waikiki to the hotel where guest stars on LOST stay. And he wants the music to be jamming, because he’s been on the mend since his heart attack and wants to boogie with his lady fair. [DRINK] I am making a notebook with cut out pictures of Burt and Carole and doodling glitter hearts around them, because they are just that adorable.
Kurt takes the reins. He’s thinking autumnal, he’s thinking cognac and russet – not the potato, Finn, the color. He’ll hire New Directions to do music, so no money spent there, and everything will be perfect, he’ll see to it. It’s going to be a Glee Wedding! [DRINK!]
Sue, in her office, is licking envelopes and most likely getting high from all the glue. Oh, these envelopes are for her wedding invitations. It all started because of a comment on the news. We flash back to Sue’s Corner. “And that’s why I think of the homeless as ‘outdoorsy.’ So shine on, urban camper, you smell like adventure! And that’s how Sue C’s it.”
Rod and Angela then say how they’re getting engaged (but don’t worry, ladies, it’s an open marriage.) Sue feels humiliated by this because people know she dated Rod. Angela, still on the air, tells her that she’s going to die alone. And now for the weather, Tiffany?
She turned to online dating, but the only person that was a perfect match for Sue Sylvester? Sue Sylvester. So she’s going to marry herself. She smiles as she licks 44 cent stamps featuring who else, but Sue Sylvester.
Finn and Sam are totally frenemies right now and have those digging and competitive conversations that girls have when they’re secretly fighting each other but want to appear like they’re being nice. They smile and back bite about Sam losing QB1 and how Finn doesn’t think Sam’s leadership material because he can’t even get Quinn to commit to him as his girlfriend. Whatever, dude, Sam’s working on that. They kiss each other’s cheeks, complement each other’s hair dos, and then pull out their phones and text everyone they’ve ever known to bitch about each other and how hippy the other is getting. Oh, boys, they’re all the same!
Once again the lack of funding for an astronomy teacher shows its usefulness as Sam takes Quinn in the astronomy lab and proceeds to drop on one knee, produce a box with a ring, and propose – but only for pre-marriage. It’s a promise ring, like Tommy and Betty Sue getting pinned at the Delta Phi soda social. Who does this? Quinn’s rightfully weirded out, and asks him if he’s six. But Sam Evans is so damn charming, he even turns that sinking ship into the Goodship Lollipop.
Look, he only is promising that he’ll be a good boyfriend, he’ll make her proud to be on his arm, he’ll quit the Matt McConaughey impressions, and he’ll use a deep conditioner every week to keep those luscious locks touchably soft. She closes the ring box and smiles, saying, “Maybe.” He’s wildly excited about the kinda sorta not a total turn down. Accomplishment!
Finn has some concerns about the wedding, mostly that releasing 3000 doves could get messy. Kurt huffs, “That’s why we feel them glitter.” Finn tells Kurt that he wants to be a part of the wedding, too. Kurt has it all planned out, Finn will walk his mother down the aisle, give her to Kurt’s father, and then have a charming spotlight Mother-Son dance. Lucile and Buster are thinking that’s a little creepy, and they won the Motherboy Pageant seven years in a row.
Oh, Finn doesn’t think it’s creepy, it’s just that he can’t dance and is afraid of making an ass of himself. Kurt will take care of that, don’t you worry. Finn sighs relief and heads off to his next class. Kurt grabs the wedding centerpiece from his locker and turns around to be confronted with Karofsky, filled with malice and menace. Kurt, his voice wavering, tells him that he doesn’t want Karofsky near him.
Karofsky jams his finger into Kurt’s chest, his eyes boring holes into Kurt’s, and drags his finger down Kurt’s chest, backing him up, and grabs the centerpiece. “Can I have this? Thanks,” Dave says, stuffing the figurines into his pocket. Kurt falls back against the lockers, utterly terrified. Will sees him and races over.
“Are you okay?” Kurt just shakes his head, no. They go to the principal’s office. Sue is actually a good principal. Gone are the sarcastic cuts and attempts to undermine people. Also, we get a little lesson in why Sue is Sue. She is genuinely sorry for Kurt that he’s being tormented. She knows all too well the horrors of bullying, having grown up the way she did. But all of that torment turned her into the hard nosed success they see before them. (All well and good for her, but- well, more on this in drunken thoughts.)
She finishes it up with a promise that if he ever lays a finger on him (again?) to come straight to her, she’ll take care of it. If anyone is going to tormenting the students of McKinley high, it will be her. Now get out of here, Lady, she has work to do. Kurt tells her that calling him “Lady” is also a form of bullying. Sue checks herself, and apologizes; she genuinely thought that was his name. Then she offers him a trio of choices: Gelfling, Porcelain, or Tickle Me Dough Face. “Porcelain.”
Rachel tells Tina, Quinn and Brittany how Kurt is being mercilessly bullied, and that she wants them to get their football boyfriends to make him stop. Quinn is all “whaaaaa?” with the anti-feminism inherent, but Tina just wants to know if that means Artie and Brittany are dating.
“Deal with it. When you two were making out, did he ever just lie there?” [DRINK]
Santana shows up, pissed she wasn’t invited. She and Puck aren’t really dating, and he’s still on probation, he can’t get into a fight. Rachel turns back to the girls. They have to do something; if anything happens to Kurt, they’re going to feel awful about it.
Sue has a wedding planner in the office, and the wedding planner is most confused. When she called herself a master of “unusual weddings” that meant themes like Disney Princesses or those hippie ones where the brides are barefoot. Sue is marrying…herself? A red-headed older woman walks in, sees the wedding planner, and remarks, “I’m sure people have told you you look mannish, but I think it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to be ‘handsome.’”
Oho! This is Mrs. Doris Sylvester, famed Nazi Hunter and abandoner of Sue and Jean. Sue grudgingly hugs her, and her mom rears back in pain, “I forgot you have a weird rib-cage that juts out.” Doris hasn’t been to see Jean yet (hmm) but she’s there because she wants to understand this ridiculous wedding. So Sue’s given up on love? “I told people you would grow into your looks, and you know what? You still might.”
Ahahaha. Carol Burnett, I have loved you since I was a little girl, and it will never die.
Well, if Susy is going to follow through on this, then Doris would like to walk her down the aisle. Sue’s already doing that. And officiating. Well, then! Looks like Doris is going to sing at her wedding, then. (Probably not one of Susy’s beloved Appalachian Murder Ballads that she loved so dearly as a child, but something with pizazz.)
Rachel asks Finn to stand up to Karofsky and defend Kurt, but Finn is just getting his footing back in the popular world and doesn’t want to jeopardize that. He justifies this by saying that if he’s on the inside, he can control things. (Famous words from every turncoat ever.) Rachel isn’t mad at him, she’s just disappointed. (Ooooh.)
Mike, Artie and Sam get into Dave’s face in the locker room, demanding that he knock off the bullying. Karofsky is not okay with several things: Kurt “flaunting” his homosexuality in his face, a bunch of losers from Glee telling him what to do, and that horrendous color on Mike – he’s an autumn! Dave shoves Mike out of his face, knocking him into Artie, and they both go ass over tea kettle. Sam jumps in and starts swinging. They both get some good licks in before Dave uses his strength to press his body down onto the handsome new kid, trying not to notice the warmth radiating out from his core when Sam’s flailing legs bring their bodies closer to-
Coach Beiste pulls them apart and gives them a good what for, sending them off to their respective corners. Sam and the guys go to the music room where they’re greeted like heroes, the girls ooh’ing and ahh’ing over their battle scars. Well, except for Finn. Quinn thinks that Sam looks pretty boss with that black eye and newfound machismo. Mr. Schuester wants to know what he should do, but Sam feels they’re even Steven. Kurt is grateful, albeit embarrassed about the incident.
Doris and Sue practice her song for Sue’s wedding, “Ohio” from Wonderful Town. The words are changed slightly to have some exposition about Doris leaving her girls so she could go off and find Mengele’s hairdresser’s double cousin.. “I don’t think you’ve ever appreciated the sacrifices I made to be a famous Nazi hunter.” Oh, Carol, you are fabulous.
She and Jane Lynch sound great, as well, Jane is a competent singer and sounds great on the harmony. It’s touching at the end, with them holding hands and leaning against one another. “Well, that wasn’t as good as I thought it’d be.” Ha ha ha, Doris doesn’t agree with me. She heads out to her dress fitting. It’s white, surely Sue won’t mind, white has always looked so lovely on Doris. (True story: my own mother wore HER wedding dress to MY wedding. It is one of my greatest stories of all, because it’s true.)
Kurt has Finn and Burt in the music room for some dance lessons, and the door is open. Kurt helps his dad learn some basic box steps and sends him to the side to practice. Burt mutters to himself, “Look at me, I’m dancing! My feet are moving and there’s music, that’s dancing.” [DRINK] Finn and Kurt are up, and Finn is a little uncomfortable with the door open. Kurt doesn’t buy it. “Hundreds of people watch you dance on stage.”
He has a point. They start and Karofsky walks past, sees them, and makes a limp wrist gesture. Burt sees this and wants to know what the hell is going on. Finn looks at Kurt and implores, “Tell him, Kurt. Tell him or I will.” Kurt tells his dad that Karofsky kinda sorta threatened his life, which Finn didn’t know about either.
Burt races off, grabs Karofsky and slams him into the lockers, his forearm pressed into Dave’s windpipe. “You like picking on people, huh? Why don’t you pick on me?” Finn races after Burt and tries to pull him off, Kurt is worried about his dad’s heart. “Please, you’re sick!” Burt turns to Finn and hisses, “And where were you when all of this was going on?”
We cut to a conference with Karofsky and his dad, Kurt, Burt and Principal Sue. Karofsky’s father isn’t who you’d expect, he’s not mean, vicious, or a red neck. He’s quiet and respectful of what’s happening. He just wants to know what’s going on, and he insists that Burt calls him Paul.
“Paul? Your kid threatened the life of my son.” [DRINK]
Kurt explains that he threatened to kill him if he… well, never mind why. “Um, just that he was picking on me.” [And kissing me.] Dave swears that Kurt is making it up, maybe because…he likes Dave? Paul gives his kid a look that speaks volumes. I totally got the impression that Paul was maybe putting two and two together about his son’s sexuality right there.
Sue continues her streak as an effective administrator by saying that this sort of thing absolutely will not happen in her school. Lives will not be threatened, and Karofsky can consider himself expelled. He can appeal to the school board, but until they rule on it, buh-bye. He leaves and gives Kurt a “screw you, or maybe…screw me?” look, it’s hard to tell.
Santana corners Finn in the room where he’s getting ready for the wedding and gets on to him for letting Sam take the lead in the Stop Karofsky campaign. He needs a coolness injection to get people on his side again, and the quickest way to do that is for the school to know they knocked boots last year. Finn is not okay with that, because he lied about it to Rachel, not wanting her to get hurt. As if Santana cares about Rachel getting hurt, tchuh! Rachel comes in as Santana leaves, and she looks adorable. Finn tells her she looks amazing and that he really loves her. Aww. Enjoy this now, kids.
And now is the time for the greatest TV wedding, and I’m including Jim and Pam’s on the Maiden Mist.
Finn walks out to the aisle and starts singing the opening lines to Bruno Mars’ “Marry You,” with Rachel singing along. The audience is totally into this change of pace, and we have the rest of the Gleeks, paired up, singing the song in turns. It’s awesome (except for Quinn’s finger guns. Put them back in the holster, girl.) Oh, and Mike does his spazzy “Herp? Derp!” face [DRINK] and I just want someone to show him how on TV you don’t have to sell it to the cheap seats. It’s Burt’s turn to come down the aisle, and he’s awkward and nervous and all smiles and bursting with happiness and it’s almost too much, and then Carole comes out and girlfriend is getting down in her dress, dancing to the altar, and it’s officially too much cute! Then Kurt gets choked up seeing them so happy with each other and I pass out from adorableness.
Fortunately I came to quickly because it’s time for the vows. Of course they’re going to have their own spin on this, and Burt starts off by apologizing to Kurt for not really being present after his mom died, how they were just existing. But now, now they’re living. God sometimes closes a door and opens a window, but with Carol, He knocked down a wall and shoved Burt at her. “You’re everything, Carol. I will love you until the day I die.” [DRINK]
Um, I have a little something in my eye, hang on.
Carol tells them that she’s so happy to not be getting one man, but two. One saved her from her wardrobe, and the other just saved her. And with Kurt, she’s not just gaining a son, but a friend. (Dang it, something keeps getting in my eye, just give me a second. Talk amongst yourselves.) She’s also proud of Finn for taking Kurt in as a brother, and now they’re becoming a family, not just husband and wife. Both Burt and Carole cut off the minister to rush their “I dos,” because they do. Oh, they do.
Time for the reception where Mr. Schuester is singing Michael Buble’s version of “Sway,” and he sounds terrific. Didn’t Matthew Morrison have a torch song album recently? Good choice. Burt and Carole are having their first dance with Kurt cheering them on and encouraging his dad. I really don’t see how the Hudson-Hummels could be cuter.
It’s time for the Best Man speech, and it comes from Finn. He’s handed Mariah Carrey’s microphone, and he first toasts his mom for being the best mom in the world, and who taught him all on her own how to be a man. He talks about portmanteaus and now he and Kurt are “Furt.” He says he learned more about how to be a man from Kurt than anyone (um, sorry Mom? I think the writers forgot what they put in there already.) They are brothers now, and he’s never going to forget it. He apologizes for not being there for him before, but that will never happen again. ww, Finn learned something![DRINK!]
He’s also got a little surprise for Kurt. Finn and the Gleeks have a special number dedicated to Kurt, and not only that but Furt is going to show their newfound brotherness on the dance floor. (So that’s how it is in their family…) He starts singing another Mars’ tune, “Just The Way You Are,” cutting between dedicating it to Kurt and to Rachel. They awkwardly waltz on the floor, but it’s sweet. Everyone is having a great time, and Will looks on to the kids with happiness and pride. Yep, they’re good kids. It’s a great wedding. [CHEERS!]
And now for something completely different. Sue’s wedding is at Jean’s nursing home. One of the patients is at the Casio playing the wedding march while Jean and Doris look on. (The cake is a megaphone with two Sues on top.) Sue, resplendent in a royal blue polyester track suit dress with a full skirt and a cowl neckline, officiates the wedding.
“Oh, what in the gee dee hell…” Doris mutters.
Doris cuts this off after the “You may kiss yourself” portion of the service. This is nonsense, but more importantly, where is her special moment to stand out? Sue is not interested, mother, since she and Jean have been doing just fine on their own. Jean has a quiet and sad moment where she asks her mom, “Why did you have to leave us?” There’s not really an answer, is there? Sue gets fed up and kicks her mother out; she doesn’t want to see her again.
“And to think, I was going to send you to Israel on your honeymoon. They love me there!” Jean tells Sue she thinks Sue looks beautiful. Sad face.
Quinn leans against Sam’s locker to tell him how impressed she’s been with him this week, how taking a stand for Kurt was pretty awesome. And hot. And why hasn’t he noticed that all this time she’s been talking to him, she’s been wearing his ring? Sam’s face almost splits open from excitement. She smiles and walks off, waggling her fingers at him to show off the ring. Ah-dor-a-ble. [DRINK.]
Not adorable: turns out that the Karofskys argued before the school board; Sue’s decision was overturned. He’s coming back in the morning. Since no one witnessed the threat, there’s nothing she can do. Well, not necessarily. She’s leaving her position as principal, because she can’t do anything in the office. She’s going to be in the halls where she can really be there for Kurt.
This is small comfort to Kurt, though. “I can’t go back to being terrified again.” He leaves the office and his parents pull him aside to have a private conversation.
Everyone in the music room is pumped up from the fun wedding and excited to work on a set list, but before Mr. Schuester can tell Kurt of the plans he has for him, Kurt drops a bombshell: he’s leaving McKinley to transfer to Dalton Academy. He doesn’t want to talk about it, there’s nothing that can be done. He needs to be in a safe environment, full stop. Rachel worries that this means Kurt will be competing against them at Sectionals. Santana cuts that off with a death glance at Rachel.
Kurt says his parents are using their honeymoon money to pay for tuition, he won’t let them talk him out of it, and as he starts tearing up, he leaves.
Drunken Thoughts: I want to talk about the bullying. A lot of reviewers pooh-poohed this story as having been too long, too melodramatic, etc. And that makes me think that either they were home schooled or they were the bullies themselves. That’s the awful part about bullying, isn’t it? That there feels like there’s no end in sight? I am unfortunately very familiar with how schools handle bullies, and that’s to ignore the problem unless it’s brought to them, bleeding. You want to know the best way to sop bullying in school? Teach parents to raise better kids, how novel a concept!
Yeah, I’m not holding my breath, either.
But on happy notes: Finn got it through his head that the things he spouted at the end of the Gaga episode needed to be true all the time. I really like the Finn character, so I was glad he made the right decision in the end. And on a technical aspect, I thought it was amazing how much emotion the show was able to draw out of the audience for a wedding of two minor characters that aren’t shown very often. Well done, writers, I think I wanna marry you.