EPIC. This is an epic episode. Everyone gets drunk. Everyone suffers from it. But ultimately, they all have fun. This is a message I can get behind. And because Artie is the whitest black man you know, today’s drink is rollin’ with my homie, but we’re classing it up. Epicurean Gin & Juice.
Free space: we’re drinking every time Rachel is hilarious. Dig out your Big Sip from the AM/PM gas station and fill ‘er up.
Principal Figgins talks with Will about a new epidemic sweeping through the school: teen drinking. Kids are even showing up to school drunk. He wants to have an Alcohol Awareness Week with a finale of Kitty Dukakis giving a lecture on the dangers, and the Glee kids performing a number about how awful drinking is. Will reluctantly agrees. (I don’t blame you, Will, who wants to follow a Dukakis?)
Will and Emma catch up on things, since Will no longer feels crippling desire when he sees her. Progress! He even brings her a “two slicer” toaster, and I wonder if anyone even manufactures one slice toasters. She immediately says that he needs to date someone. Alrighty, then, glad you like the toaster.
Sue comes over and tells Will to start some of the 12 steps, because now that she’s his competition (coaching Aural Intensity) he’s going to fall down the black hole of loserdom that can only be perfected by destroying your liver with Thunderbird.
There’s a flashback to how she got the job – she met with the “chipper homo” so she could volunteer, and shoved him down the stairs. Funny moment: he pops up at the bottom of the flight of stairs, says, “I’m ok! No worries!” and she calmly walks down and flings him down the next flight of stairs.
Rachel works at the piano when Puck comes in, instantly making her nervous. He wants to know when the party is. What? Puck knows her dads are out of town (“they’re on the Rosie O’Donnell cruise”) and they need to have a party at her house. Rachel is not that sort of girl, though, her dads left her alone because they knew they could trust her to be responsible. Puck says she sucks and is a bore and leaves.
Finn comes in to hear the progress on her original song, they hug awkwardly, but nothing is as awkward as her song. She starts off (and it’s nice to hear her actual voice, not perfected through the studio and auto tune) and it turns out to be a song about her headband. “It’s called: My Headband.” [DRINK]
Yeah. It’s awful. She’s frustrated, because how is she ever going to write a song about life experiences when she hasn’t had any? LIGHTBULB. She’s off to find Puck, because a party at her house is exactly what she needs. It’s that or go on a clown murder spree.
Santana is on the phone with Brittany, trying to decide if they’re going to this party. (Brittany is standing next to her.) They call up Artie and Mercedes to see if they’re into it, as well. (They’re all standing next to one another.) They call up Puck to find out the dirty, and Santana introduces the group call at “Santitany Artcedes.” Puck promises it’ll be epic, so they’re all in.
This party is maybe one of my most favorite things in all of Glee. We see a massive painting of Rachel, and she’s standing in front of it with the most godawful seafoam green dress on, so excited about the night. Blaine, Kurt and Finn show up (Kurt blackmailed Finn into an invite because of Finn’s browser history.) Rachel is surprised, but pleased to see them. Blaine immediately notices that there’s a stage in her basement. Take two DRINKs for fashion, one for Rachel’s dress and one for the stunning ensemble Kurt is wearing, like a sexy Nazi. And those are two words I never thought I’d put together. And yet. Seriously, Blaine needs to be hitting that like a hammer, you feel me?
Rachel tells everyone that the party switch is officially in the “on” position, and to please take your drink tickets, everyone is allowed two whole wine coolers! She sees Quinn, puts her hand on her hip and sasses, “Hey, girlfriend!” [DRINK] My most favorite Rachel moment, right there, I laugh every single time. Artie rolls up to her (how did he get down the stairs?) and he, Brittany, Santana, Tina, and Mike are terribly sorry, but this party is the worst, so’s her hair, and they’re Audi.
Puck tells Rachel that if she’d only let him break into her dads’ liquor cabinet, the party could rock. He’ll replace everything before they get home. She relents. And shit. Gets. Crazy. “Like A G-6” starts playing and they’re getting wild. Rachel powers down a wine cooler in one, burps, then shouts to the crowd, “It tastes like pink! IT TASTES LIKE PIIIIINK!” Second most favorite Rachel moment.[DRINK]
Brittany is already in her bra, and Artie sits in his chair, bewildered and pleased and just, Jesus Christ, that is his girlfriend, come on! Redonk. Oh, and Santana is doing body shots off Brittany’s taut belly. Ahem. Finn and Kurt aren’t drinking, Finn is the designated driver and Kurt doesn’t want to get sloppy as he’s still hoping to convince Blaine that Kurt is the One For Him.
I want to take a moment to point out something I love about Chris Colfer (Kurt.) He’s doing this vogue-style dance, perfectly in beat, while delivering his lines, and it’s so perfect and funny, and you know he had to do that for fifteen takes, and I just adore him.
Meanwhile, Blaine is rocking out in his little stripy shirt and drunken self, totally blitzed and enjoying himself. “Clearly he doesn’t have the same reservations.” Ha. Rachel flops onto Finn and is really handsy and flirty with him, and he breaks it down for her, the five types of drunk girls:
- Weepy Hysterical Girl (Santana sobbing about Sam liking Quinn, then demanding he kiss her)
- Angry Girl (Quinn screaming at Puck for ruining her body)
- Stripper Girl (Brittany on the washing machine dropping it like it’s hot, Artie is grinning from ear to ear and making it rain, “That’s my girlfriend, I love you, baby!”)
- Happy Girl (Mercedes and Tina cackling with laughter over nothing)
- Needy Girl (Rachel draping herself on Finn.
“It’s not cool.” Oh, is that so? How needy is this, then? “Let’s play spin the bottle! Spin the bottle!” In your face, Finn. [DRINK]
We cut to them all on the floor, having fun, and Brittany gets Sam (with Santana reminding everyone that she owns his froggy lips) Rachel has the next turn and it lands on Blaine. Kurt, in a hysterical sort of way, shouts around his plastered-on grin, “This is outstanding!”
And then Rachel and Blaine kiss. And kiss. And there might have been a little tongue as they deepen the kiss. And Rachel is clearly into it, and it looks like Blaine is, too. WHAT. I would like to point out that a song from one of the greatest teen comedies of all time (Valley Girl) is playing in the background, “Johnny Are You Queer?” Awesome. I would also like to state that they both look like excellent kissers. Ahem number two.
Kurt is panicking and shouts over the din, “OK! I think we’ve had enough of that!” Blaine pulls back and Rachel tells him passionately, “Your face…tastes awesome.” [DRINK] They hop up on the stage and sing “Don’t You Want Me” by the Human League and sound amazing together. They do, I can’t help it, even though babygay Kurt is woeful in the corner. Rachel is getting very excited about this turn of events, but Blaine is just drunk and having fun and Kurt is fraught and hand wringing and he spent such care on picking out just the right outfit, and WOE.
The next morning Burt hollers up to Kurt to help him figure out what a “shirred” egg is, and walks in the room to find him still curled up in bed. Wait, Kurt’s at his vanity doing his morning moisturizing, that’s Blaine in his bed. Hang on I…I need a moment. So. Many. Thoughts. Burt stammers out, “Oh, I’m sorry, my bad.” and leaves the room instead of causing an embarrassing scene. [DRINK]
I’m going to point out that time frames are totally screwy in the episode. This moment is exhibit A.
On Monday, the kids are all hung over, still. Artie has the solution and whips out a thermos of Bloody Marys. “That’s what they’re for: hair of the dog what done bit you.” They get drunk again (that’s impressive, because it’s hard to get drunk on Bloody Marys. They’re so…thick.) and work on their assignment for the assembly.
Artie leads them in a performance of “Blame It (On The Alcohol)” by Jamie Foxx and T-Pain and they sound awesome. Mercedes and Santana take lead vocals at various points, so double tap for my ladies. [DRINK x 2] Also, I would like to state how damn hot Puck is. He just needs to stand around and I’m biting my lip, how is he a real person?? He sounds great on this song.
Will tells them they sounded great, and gosh, he really believed they were drunk! “We take our craft seriously.” Artie? You have the best comic timing, I swear. But the song sort of glorifies drinking, so maybe they need to keep looking? The kids point out about how – barring Christian rock – there aren’t really any songs that sing about how awful alcohol is, because… it’s great. Well, uh, be that as it may, Will would just like them to brainstorm in class the next day.
Will tells Coach Beiste that he feels like a hypocrite when telling the kids that drinking isn’t bad, because he drank as a teen and turned out okay. (That’s debatable, dude. You don’t make the best of choices.) He seems really wound up, so Beiste tells him to come out to a honky tonk with her (ba-der-down!) and cut loose. I have to laugh that her lunch is an entire rotisserie chicken.
Rachel, in her pink room with her pink phone and a pink drink in her special You’re a Star! Goblet, takes a sip of Dutch courage, turns up the Carole King “Tapestries” (oh my god, that is the most perfect album, you guys. PERFECT.) and calls Blaine up. Blaine and Kurt are at the Lima Bean, laughing about how drunk Blaine got, with Kurt getting in some digs about the whole Rachel kiss thing of ridiculousness. It’s ridiculous, right, Blaine? Blaine?
Blaine holds up a finger and takes the call. Rachel puts on her sexy voice and says she wants to go on a date. Kurt sits in terror, saying, “You can’t lead her on!” Blaine finishes the call and says coolly, “Who says I’m leading her on? When we kissed, it felt good.” Kurt loses his cool when Blaine tosses out the B word.
“Bisexual is something gay guys in high school say when they want to hold hands with a girl and feel normal for a change!”
Blaine is offended and hurt that Kurt isn’t being supportive, he’s very confused, maybe kissing her and liking it means he’s not gay? And it’s not cool of Kurt to put expectations on him. For the first time we see that Blaine is not okay with being Kurt’s “mentor.” He needs to figure things out, and leaves. He tosses off the bitingly clever line, “I’d say bye, but I wouldn’t want to make you angry.”
Will and Beiste are at Billy Bobs with stereotypical kuntry folk in their cowboy hats (I’m from Texas and I found it to be a bit much) riding a bull and tossing back whiskey and rye and cutting up. Will is trashed and gets up to sing (with Shannon to back him up) George Thorogood’s “One Burbon One Scotch and One Beer.” I was not feeling it when they started, but eventually you could tell that Matthew Morrison and Dot-Marie Jones were having a ball, and that finally came through. That’s a tough song to sell to a crowd of people that watch a program about show choir, you feel me?
Kurt comes over to help Rachel clean up after the party and it happens to be after her date with Blaine. [Seriously, what is the time frame here? Continuity: DRINK] He’s super innocent asking, “Did you kiss?” She says no, but they did dress in character and said the lines out at the movie, and no, that’s not gay at all. I have drunken thoughts on this, so stay after for that.
Kurt tells Rachel that Blaine is the first in a long line of conflicted men that she will date that will later turn out to be the most flaming of homosexuals. Rachel says, “Challenge accepted!” She’s going to kiss Blaine while sober and prove that there’s something there. Kurt looks a little nervous.
Beiste brings Will back home [So… Blaine left the Lima Bean and picked up Rachel? And Kurt changed outfits? WHEN IS IT? DRINK] and he’s super trashed. It’s a school night, so he stays up late, still drinking, and grades papers. Everyone gets an A+ for the effort, whee! He fumbles with his phone in an attempt to drunk dial Emma, loses the phone at one point, then starts whispering drunken nothings into voicemail. Oh, the drunk dial, the true consequence of a night of boozing.
The next day in school, Figgins tells Will he’s excited for the New Directions’ performance, and Will, clearly hung over, whispers painfully, “Why are you shouting?” Emma sees him, laughs, and he tells her how sorry he is for last night. She doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and he guesses maybe he had an elaborate dream where he drunk dialed her. She’s clearly intrigued by the possibility, but this is shut down when Sue comes over and tells Will he needs to be committed for his alcoholism. He gets pissed and walks off. Bad move, Schuester.
In another time shift, Burt and Kurt are making a soufflé, and Kurt is wearing the same outfit from the night before. [Continuity: DRINK!] Burt mentions that he didn’t like the shock of seeing Blaine in Kurt’s bed, and next time someone stays over, Kurt needs to ask, and he wants Kurt to apologize for “being inappropriate.”
This offends Kurt tremendously and he asks if Finn would have the same rules if Puck spent the night. Burt calmly explains that it’s not the same thing, and Kurt knows it, and Finn isn’t allowed to have a girl spend the night, so just apologize. Kurt insists that nothing happened, they were both fully dressed, he was just being responsible and not letting his friend drive home drunk.
Be that as it may, Burt doesn’t know what same-sex guys do anyway, so just… ask before someone sleeps over. Kurt apologizes, stiffly, and then says that maybe his dad should get educated about things so that Kurt could ask him questions like straight kids can ask their parents. (Do they?) Awk.Ward.
Funny moment: Burt saying that he sat through Brokeback Mountain, and from what he could tell, something went down in the tent. Ahahaha. [DRINK] Burt gets bonus points for seeing the movie, and oh my god, do not get me started on that movie, I sobbed like a beaten child.
Backstage before the big assembly number, Rachel brings out a jug of some horrendous concoction of every alcohol left in the house for them all to drink. It’s a Broadway tradition. Oh, and there’s cough syrup in it. [DRINK] They perform Key-Dollar Sign-Ha’s “Tik Tok” with Brittany on lead, and let’s just take a moment to reflect on how amazing a dancer she is. It does look like she’s lip syncing, though. But who cares, it’s great.
Well, up until she starts feeling sick. She projectile vomits right into Rachel’s face. Rachel, horrified, runs off stage. Santana gets a whiff and pukes up some grey-purple ooze herself. Brittany staggers to the front of the stage and says, “Everybody drink responsibly.” [DRINK]
Sue takes over the school’s PA system for a serious message to all who understand the Queen’s English. Today’s travesty is a direct result of the machinations of those children’s leader, the alcoholic teen vomit fetishist Will Schuester. She then plays the voicemail that Will left her, not Emma.
Emma sits in her office, horrified (and a little turned on) when Will says things like, “I rode a bull tonight and I thought of you.” Oh my god. It’s hilarious and awful, and Will is in class while all of his estudiantes listen in. Hola, clase!
Will and the New Directions are all called in to Figgins’ office, but he seems to think that they planned that with “special effects.” It had the affect of cutting school drinking to nil, so thank you very much! Accomplishment!
Back in the music room, Will tells them how he never wants to have anything like this happen again. “Why don’t you down a 4 Loco, Count Boozy Von Drunk a Ton?” Quinn says that there’s a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black. Brittany leans over to Mercedes and whispers, “That is so racist!” [DRINK] Um, Quinn? He’s legally allowed to drink. You’re not. Also, you drank on school property. Whatever, I’m a lame ass adult, what do I know?
Will does remind them that it’s illegal for them to drink, and wants them all to sign promise notes that they won’t drink while they’re performing. He mentions that his phone number is in the upper corner, if they find themselves in trouble. Sam fist pumps and fiercely whispers, “Yes!” Uh… what is going on over there, Mary Kay LeTourneau?
Kurt and Rachel are at the Lima Bean waiting so Rachel can kiss-attack Blaine. Kurt tells her that either way, there is no victory in this for him. Either Blaine’s into Rachel, or he’s still not into Kurt. Aww, sad faces. Rachel ignores that and says that she might finally get a boyfriend that can keep up with her vocally. (Ouch, Finn!) Also, if they marry and have babies, he could give her children that look vaguely Eurasian. [DRINK]
Rachel sees him, and plants one right on his pucker. She pulls back, smiling, and he looks dazed. Uh oh. He then says, “Huh. Yep, I’m gay. One hundred percent gay. Thank you so much!” He goes to stand in line and Kurt races over to Rachel, to help her pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Which… aren’t there. She tells him “That. Was. Amazing!” What? See, she just had a brief and torrid relationship with a man that turned out to be gay, and this is just the kind of life experience her songwriting needs! It’s song writing GOLD. [DRINK]
Oh, Rachel. I still love you, thanks for at least wrapping this up in a funny bow.
Drunken Thoughts: I wish they would have given Blaine more time to come to terms with his sexuality, or at least explored that a LOT of gay guys kiss girls and like it, but they don’t like like it, you know? It doesn’t change the fact that sometimes it just feels good to be with a person, regardless of their gender. But the real problem I have here is how mean of a friend Rachel is to Kurt. You do NOT go after someone your friend is into, period. That’s Friend Code Rule #1. She and Kurt had forged a bit of a friendship at Regionals, and it just seemed wrong to me.
I know she’s selfish, but she’d been making progress. I think it was lazy writing, but whatever, there were so many great moments in this that I can let it go.
Next week! We’re going Brooklyn hard, with a recap a day until the premiere on Tuesday the 20th! And we’ll start with SEXY. See you Monday!