Mike has become a pathetic version of Charlie Brown, moping about the house in his neck brace and sunglasses, wanting someone to kiss his boo boos and tell him what a brave strong little man him is, and would him like some soups and blankies and the Little Mermaid on the televisions, hmm? It’s so ridiculously pathetic.
Everyone is asleep so Mike sits stiffly on the antique jacquard settee that is inexplicably out in the open, with the evil Firenze pigeons giving him the side eye from afar. (They’re just waiting for an open mouth to drop a load, you have to know this.) He starts sniffling. Now, I’m a pretty compassionate person. But I can’t help it, I start cackling with glee over his manufactured woe. NUT UP, BUB.
He tells the camera, “Now I know not to bang my head into a wall.” Now? Now you know this? I’m sorry, but was this one of those things they told the boys in the 5th grade “Your Changing Body” talks and he missed that day? “You’s gonna grow hair in weird places, your Johnson is going to stand at attention at inappropriate times, and fellas? Don’t purposely smack your faces into solid brick walls.”
Ron wakes up and goes to Sam’s room with a pillow soaked in chloroform and places it gently over her face and presses, presses, presses so hard but with such sorrowful love in his eyes, it almost makes me wish these two could make it work. Almost. Her body weakly flails, she releases her bowels and it’s finally over, everyone, America’s nightmare is over. Everyone? Pour a little marinara on the ground for the ones who didn’t make it.
Ron tells the camera that her pride was fucking with him, and she just needed to feel that sting. Blah blah, he still loves her, oh my god, why can’t my dark fantasies ever be true??
Pauly leans against the SOLID BRICK WALL and watches Mike shuffle around the house (he’s literally shuffling, because, you see, he’s so ouchie in his neck he can’t lift his feet the extra inch that is required to not shamble like an invalid.) Pauly laughs and tells the camera that Mike needs to stop milking this because what a waste of being in another country. I’ve mentioned I love Pauly D, right?
The camera cuts to Vinny and Pauly in the confessional room, Pauly wearing the neck brace and stiffly trying to look at Vinny, who keeps bobbing and weaving around him. Pauly starts crying and then says he just wants to hump ladies in appropriately and be a dick face because he’s really in love with boys. Awesome Mike impression, bro!
Mike calls his sister and says he wants to leave Camp Cryalot, the crafts suck, the older kids keep short sheeting his bed and, sniff, and, sniff, he just misses ho-o-o-ome. Well guess what, Mike? Your mom and dad have been looking forward to this stretch of five weeks without your demanding ass, and they are going to parties and walking around the house naked and they finally remember why they married in the first place, and you are not coming back to mess that up, so find a friend, learn how to make those stupid plastic braided keychains, get some damn ointment for the bug bites, and shut up. We miss you, bye!
The girls drag their suitcases full of dirty clothes to the laundry (really? Rolling cases on cobblestones? Just get a flippin’ duffel bag.) They laugh at how stupid boys are, and they still can’t get over the fact that Mike ran his head into a SOLID BRICK WALL like a crazy person. Jenni says how irritated she is by Mike’s overly dramatic interpretation of a person in pain. Also, none of his injuries are from the fight. She just doesn’t trust him. JWoww is my girl, you are not fooling that lady with no drama.
Ron finally gets tired of trying to read “Freakonomics” while Mike is moaning and sobbing in the other room, so he puts his book down (he was just getting to the interesting part about socioeconomic affects from Roe v. Wade) and asks if Mike is okay.
“Bro. Are you kidding me, bro?”
“I can’t do anything for myself, because I can’t turn my head without it being stiff, which means I might as well be dead.”
Ron quietly turns and grabs the pillow used to snuff the life out of Sammi and moves to help Mike out in, really, the best way possible. Mike softly cries to himself. He hates it when he pees his Abercrombie and Fitch sweat pants. (They won’t let him back in the store to buy more.) Ron drops the pillow and rubs his hand over his face. “Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro? Bro. Bro, I-. Bro. Bro.”
Mike sobs, “I’m hurt. I can’t do anything for myself even though my hands and legs still wo-o-o-oooork.”
“Bro, I’m not touching your dong. You just can’t move your head, bro. Come on, bro. When I say I’m here for you, I mean, I’ll like answer the phone and shit. Not, you know.”
Sensitive guitar music of introspection plays while Ron tells Mike all about the Power of You. He tells Mike that he needs to Choose not to Lose. Mostly he just says “bro” a lot, but Mike knows what he means: he loves Mike. That’s all he needed to say. Mike stands up (by his own power!) and with tremulous hands, unclasps the neck brace that has been keeping him from his True Potential.
His head immediately falls off. Ron scrambles to catch it before a pigeon can swoop in and steal it away to feed the tribe. “Whoa, Bro, I thought you’s was faking it!” Mike shrugs, sprays the hole with Axe body spray and sticks it back on. He tells the camera that he’s got heart and he’s gonna be a man.
I just… what factory churns out these people who come up with these sayings? I blame Oprah.
The girls have finished their laundry and walk back home. Snooki, who is in a mini dress that is tight on her boobs (she has massive knockers, though,) walks past a church and a priest comes out and tells her, “Cover up your body when you come in front of the church!” She tells him to shut up.
A better response would have been: “I’m sorry, I should dress like a 12 year old altar boy, you’re right.”
Snooki tells the girls how stupid that was because God made her boobs. Preach on, sistah. Jenni laughs and says, “God didn’t make mine.” I love these people, I can’t help it.
Snooki calls Jionni back in the states when they get back and tells him how he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her, how much she loves him, etc. Aww. And then, “I want to touch your butt.” Ahaha. Jionni is disgusted by this sort of smut talk (did he not realize who he was dating for crissake?) He tells her she’s stupid. Um…no. No, sir.
Snooki says that he’s very conservative, she’s not, opposites attract. Ron tells her that she needs to not change herself for some dude. He’s right, but a little more decorum didn’t hurt anyone. Except for the time that meteor hit the Most Decorous of 1917 competition and an entire generation of genteel ladies were killed in one stroke. But other than that… put some damn panties on, ladies.
Deena is given a golden ticket to play with Pauly’s unstyled hair. This is like seeing a unicorn frolicking with a baby beluga in outer space: you never thought this would happen. And damn, son, that’s a fro you got there! He looks like a Franciscan monk, or maybe Curly from the Three Stooges. It’s hilarious. She puts a ton of olive oil (motor oil? Who knows) in his hair and styles most of it in a faux-hawk. And… it looks good.
He thinks he looks like a guido (um) and puts on a headband, some shades, and a track jacket. He’s now Joey D and he dresses up his boyfriend Vinny to match. They pull out chapstick, get their lips greased, and work on some sweet dance moves. I seriously could watch a show of nothing but these two guys. Instead of GTL, we have FPC: Fist Pumps, Pushups and Chapstick. Jenni just laughs and says they look like every guy she’s ever dated.
Sammi and Ron towk. Ron takes the stance of “we were on a break, so why the hell couldn’t I have a girl’s phone number when I got here?” but this is Sammi. Sammi doesn’t use “logic” or “reason” or “human emotions.” She tells him that he should never talk to a female ever and that it is disgusting and gross that he thinks he can.
I swear to god, it is blood in, blood out with these two. Can they just Thelma and Louise it off a cliff somewhere and be done with the torture? Vinny and Pauly, in the other room, are so over the two of them, they’re ready to make the Ultimate Sacrifice. (Setting fire to the house and letting it all burn, the screams of Ron and Sam drowned out by the howling flames licking up the walls.)
Ron tells Sam he’s sorry for not being the weird perfect boy she imagines he should be, and he’s sorry for breathing in without asking permission, and can he please wax off the hairs on her back like she likes so they can be back to normal? Sam tells him she’s mad because, wait for it, she would never do that.
Ron coughs politely, stands, cracks his neck from side to side, jumps up and down a few times to psych himself up, and runs, flinging himself off the top of the fourth story of their building. The word “ARVIN!” bounces off the cobblestones, not unlike Ron’s split skull.
Vinny turns to Pauly and says that Mike smashed his head in the SOLID BRICK WALL because he was so sick of this Ron/Sam crap. Ron tries again to extricate himself from this parasitic woman when she realizes that she’s painting herself in a corner and starts to say that maybe they can work it out, um, wait…
Vinny barges in and Dr. Phil’s their asses: No one ever peed on a moving car! Ron and Sam stop for a moment, ashamed of themselves. They’ve finally caused a roommate to short circuit, it seems. Also, Vinny’s totally right. No one ever has. Vinny grabs them by their heads, conks them together, and says that if the two of them fuck up this vacation for the rest of them, they will find themselves wearing cement shoes on the bottom of the ocean.
Sam smirks, “What are you towking about? We’re not fighting, we’re jut towking.” She goes to the confessional and says that she and Ron are back together. Guys, I’m now cutting just to feel. Fuck you, MTV.
Ron and Jenni hit the laundry/lunch portion of the day and talk about Jionni and Snooki. They just can’t believe this kid is dating Nicole “Snooki” Palozzi and doesn’t want her to drink or say stupid things. It seems that Jionni can be mean and forceful, according to an offhand comment from Jenni. Uh oh.
Snooki tries to chat up Mike to get him to apologize for being a complete and utter butt face. She says she still hates him, but apologizing could fix things. He apparently still has a concussion as he starts jabbering nonsense about how he “was doing something nice as a friend to her, like, for the rest of their lives, that type of thing.”
Kids? Don’t smack your frontal lobe against solid walls. Let this be a lesson.
Mike says that the mistake he made was talking to Ron and not Pauly. Wow, dude, what?! He refuses to take back what he said about them boning, and she says she’s over him and his stupid ways. He just laughs to himself because Mike is officially The Worst. Also, I suspect there is a lot of bleeding on his brain.
They hit Club 21 later that night and it’s packed. Apparently it’s packed with chicks that have it in for the Shore ladies. Ron has crazy legs out and is doing his weird dance moves and totally eats it and lands on his knee, hard. But Ron has the music in him (maybe this is what we should focus on: put Ron in a leotard and let him jazz hands his feelings about Sammi?) and wants to keep dancing. He has a leg propped up on a chair and starts humping a speaker. I wish I was making that up.
Girls are crowding our ladies to the point of it getting ugly. Some girl makes faces at Snooki, who turns and screams into the girl’s cleavage: I WILL FIGHT YOU. Come on, these are Jersey Girls, they will do more than flip tables if given the chance. Some girl pushes onto Jenni who shouts at her, “FALL BACK, I swear to GOD.” That’s my new phrase of choice, thank you, JWoww.
Deena tries to get a drink at the bar (Vinny is behind her) and someone reaches over Vinny to throw a drink on her. Wow! She flips out and races after the girl, saying she’s going to kick her ass. Vinny tries to hold her back and Snooki jumps into the fray, because that’s how our girls do. Team Meatball on attack! And…they end up fighting each other, because the club is dark and there’s just a lot of hair and fingernails scrabbling around. Ha.
They all head back home, Snooki calls Jionni wanting a little comfort after an ugly night. He’s pissed that she’s drunk (um, when is she not?) and starts berating her for saying how much she misses him and loves him. What a cock knocker. He immediately assumes she’s hooked up with someone, and she’s hurt by that. Ron hears all of this and grabs the phone, telling Jionni to be cool, Snooki loves him. Ron’s trying to be helpful, but we can tell this dudebro isn’t into having another guy tell him about his lady.
Jionni refuses to talk and demands that the phone be handed back to Snooki. He then yells that she’s embarrassing him (you’re doing a good job on your own, brother) and he hangs up on her. She sits crying, lonely for him and home. Poor thing. Ron tells her that she shouldn’t change for anyone, she’s beautiful and fun, and when did Ron become so awesome? Jenni gives her love as they start to fall asleep, and really, their BFF-ness is too cute.
Deena is still awake and a little horny, so she calls her Lean Cuisine waiter dude (Ellis) who seems like a nice guy. He comes over (it’s 4am) because he’s no dummy and you always show up for a booty call if you’re a dude, am I right? She’s shit faced and knocks over a vase, or something, there is glass everywhere, and she drops to her hands and knees to clean it up (oh my god.) Her feet are total red neck grocery store feet, by the way. If you get that reference, you are my boo.
He pulls her to her feet to point out that she’s bleeding on her knees. Wow, honey, get some dignity. He tells her that he’s there because she seemed, how you say? Sad?
“Sad. You just said it, the fuck yous talking about?”
They sit on the divan under the ever watchful gaze of the pigeons to talk when she notices a hickey on his neck. She asks about it, thinking he’s been with another girl, but he swears, it’s just from his sister.
Whaaaaaaaaaat? She says she thinks that’s weird, he doesn’t, so she kicks him to the curb. Weirdest thing on this show yet, and that’s saying something.
Roger calls up his lady love the next day and Jenni tells him how Jionni isn’t maybe such a good guy after all. He says he’s coming up in less than a week, he can’t wait to see her, and he lends his support with Snooki. I seriously adore Roger and can’t wait for the Roger/Jenni show to happen over the next few episodes.
Jenni, Ron, Sam and Deena head out for some GT Plan an Intervention for Snooki and bitch about Jionni being a douche nozzle. They come back and Jenni starts in on how she doesn’t like how Jionni is treating Nicole. Snooki goes on the defensive and says Jionni is good for her. Hmm.
Deena pulls out some ninja wisdom from somewhere and says, “You have to accept people who [sic] they are, you can’t change people.” They watch her pick glass out of her knee, contemplating this sneak truth bomb. Snooki tells them she just misses him, she’s sad but in love, so they need to step off.
As they leave the house to head to work, Jenni tells Snooki that she knows she’s not the type to pretend it’s all cheese and daisies. That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard. I now will always see life as a bowl of cheese and daisies.
Secretly, Sam collects the shards of glass from the trash – she’ll need the blood to cast her spell on Ron to keep him under her thrall. Mike sits in his room, talking to a plant and calling it “baby.”
NEXT WEEK! Deena literally dances her panties off. She and Snooki have a make out (whaaaat?) and there are topless beaches and car accidents. Be ready to Fist pump, pushup and chapstick it, folks!