Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me , let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be, let’s talk about sex. But Imma need a drink before we get started. Here’s your recipe, Sweet Lady Kisses.
Don’t forget your game board, no need for a free space today, there’s plenty of boozing it up to be found on our bingo board.
For some reason McKinley High still has a celibacy club. And Quinn is not only the President, but a client. As is Rachel. Emma Pilsbury runs the meeting and talks about how she’s so glad they realize that celibacy is a viable option for teens (and ginger-haired women married to pure sex) who happen to be terrified of the one-eyed tube snake pants monster. She’s thoughtfully created some “chastity charms” for them, a heart and a key. They can give boys (or girls) the heart, but the key is to be thrown away because no one will every hurt you again. Ahem.
Emma confides to Will, later, that she’s upset the Celibacy Club isn’t catching on at the school – the chastity charms are now the hottest fashion in nipple rings. Celibacy is so great, there’s all the longing and none of the shameful clean up. “Sounds pretty lame to me…” Who said that? It’s Holly Holiday!
What’s she doing there? Turns out she’s subbing for the Health and Wellness teacher, who is out with a “mad case of the Herp.” Also, celibacy as an option for teens is just unrealistic. Emma is not okay with this bon vivant and her flippant attitude towards all that bleachy, nasty semen and sweat and panting and butt chins and heaving and the smell of Lysol is really soothing, don’t you think?
Holly informs her that celibacy as a form of birth control is just ridiculous. Why, just recently in Memphis, 90 high school girls all got pregnant within three months. “I mean, it is Tennessee, but still!” Ahaha. I wonder if Tennessee let Paltrow come back? And Will, your students are the most clueless. When Holly pulled out a cucumber for the “condom roll” demonstration, Mercedes and Finn worried that cucumbers would give them AIDS.
Emma gives the old worn shoe of “knowledge is power, thereby you’re giving them consent!” when it comes to sex ed. Eye roll. Whatever, lame-os, Holly is off to have kuh-ray-zee sex because she’s kuh-ray-zee informed about it! Emma is pretty upset, but she can’t tell if it’s because she’s being opposed, because Holly is so open about sex talk or because Will is so clearly enamored with Ms. Holiday.
Brittany leans sadly against her locker. Santana asks if she needs to come home with her and watch some Sweet Valley High and get some sweet lady kisses on [DRINK], but Brittany just can’t anymore. Because she has a bun in the oven. “Please don’t say anything, especially to Artie.” Santana doesn’t even finish saying, “Of course,” before she turns to the first person to pass her (Tina) and says, “Oh my god, Brittany’s pregnant.” Tina tells Puck, who tells Lauren, who claps Artie on the shoulder and congratulates him for becoming a Baby Daddy. It takes all of 15 seconds for the news to travel.
In Glee Artie sits shell shocked while Will asks her if she’s really pregnant, because sometimes women lie about that to make people love them. About being sure, Brittany says, “Definitely. I’m sorry, Artie, I thought I could surprise you when I dropped it off. I’m pretty sure it’s a boy.” [DRINK] Wait, what? Has she even gone to a doctor?
Guys, Brittany’s got this. “I don’t need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I’m not stupid. Obviously it’s getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.” [DRINK, and maybe DRINK again.]
Rachel gives the most amazing oh my god face ever. This sort of thing is exactly why I can never quit you, Glee. Never. Also Rachel Berry, you keep up the awesome like you’ve brought the past few episodes and you’ll move to being my favorite lady on the show.
Holly is running a Jazzercise class for the teachers and chatting Will up in between the Grapevine Lefts and Diagonal Toe Touches. He agrees that his students are morons, but he doesn’t want class to be all about titillation. [Remember this, gang.] Holly’s answer is to be like Jessica Seinfeld and her children’s cookbook: you sneak vegetables into food to trick your kids into eating healthy, and she’ll trick the Gleeks by putting information about STDs into fun songs about sex.
Speaking of STDs, Will, how is your love life? Why Holly! It seems like you are openly flirting with one Mr. Will Schuester and his fine man ass. Oho!
Will writes on the whiteboard in class the next day: “SEXY.” He starts talking about when a man and a woman, or whatever combination you happen to be, he’s not there to judge, when you and someone else love each other very much, sometimes you want to try and make your puzzle pieces fit together in a dark room. Afterward, you’ll probably cry a lot. This is natural.
The kids sit horrified until Holly shows up in skin tight leather and greets them, “¡Hola, Clase!” She tells them that sex is a lot like hugging, just wetter. (Artie: “Preach!” [DRINK]) She asks Brittany if it’s true she thought storks brought babies. “I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.” [DRINK]
Rachel is not okay with this, she wants to remain celibate. Holly says, “Okay, but I think you’re naïve and probably frigid.” WOW. Drunken thoughts for this one, you guys. She starts singing the most inappropriate song for sex ed ever, “Do You Wanna Touch Me” by Gary Glitter, who, it should be mentioned, is in prison for child pornography and solicitation of multiple minors. He’s gross. [DRINK]
She stomps around in some fabulous boots getting everyone hot and bothered, and Will holds up a sign to cover his boner, “TOO MUCH.” Hey, Will, remember when you said less on titillation, more on education? Whoops!
She tells them all that they need to remember that when you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with. “And everybody’s got a random.” Ha ha. It’s funny because it’s true. Let me just state for the record that no one has a better Sex Ed episode than The Simpsons. No one. “She’s totally faking.”
Kurt and Blaine are at the Lima Bean when Sue shows up to give them information about New Directions. She makes the most amazing coffee enema ever, tossing in paper, straw wrappers, half a bottle of hazelnut syrup, etc. I’m just blown away by Jane Lynch’s comic timing in this little moment. Anyway, she tells the guys that she has “inside intel” and Will is going to focus on “sex appeal” to win Regionals, and she’s heard the judges will score higher for sexy production values.
Kurt reminds her (trying to not pay attention to what is going into her “piping hot coffee enema”) that they are not friends, and he is not interested in what she has to say. She stomps off. Blaine says that the Warblers need to crank it up to 11, everyone knows that’s their weak spot. Kurt, eying the dapper gent, would like to disagree, but he can’t. Not everyone is a blazer fetishist, it seems. I don’t understand it, either.
Emma is mad at Will for the sexy song and dance class he had. “Why don’t you just pair them up? Give them a bunch of hotel rooms?” He tells her that she can have a chance to teach the principles of celibacy through song, to make things fair, and she’s very excited by the prospect. And knowing what’s about to happen, so am I.
Lauren tells Puck it’s his lucky day. “You’re finally going to let me motorboat those twins?” No, she wants to make a sex tape so she can get a record deal. She’s going to be a Kardashian with a show and a fragrance: Zises. “You just got Zise’d.” That sounds like a virus, I’m sorry.
Blaine and the Warblers invite their sister school (“Crawford Country Day”) to a warehouse to make them put the lotion on the skin. Seriously, this is a creepy setting for a group of guys to invite ladies. The Warblers want to perform a song for the girls while shimmying around on some portable scaffolding and they want the girls to rate them on a scale of “That’s nice, dear” to “UNF, mis pantalones están en fuego con lujuria!”
They sing Neon Tree’s “Animal” with Blaine taking lead (of course) and Kurt co-leading. Bless Kurt’s heart, he’s Sandra Dee’ing it all over the place and making “rawr!” hands. There are a few moments when Blaine catches him doing this and gives him some seriously hilarious, “WTF?” faces. I would like to point out Chubby Warbler Trent Nixon with the groovy hip slides. That effete white boy has some serious inner groove. The girls thought th boys were scream worthy. A few hook up with other Warblers, and a girl tries to give Blaine her number, which he thinks is sweet, but he’s “not on your team” Aww.
He then turns to Kurt. “Are you okay? You kept making weird faces.”
“Those are my sexy faces.”
Blaine gently says, “It just looked like you were having gas pains, or something.”
Kurt then grumps that he can’t be sexy because he looks like a 9 year old Dutch boy, but honey, there are whole internet sections devoted to that very thing. I’m not saying they’re right to exist, I’m just saying that there’s someone for everyone. Blaine claps a hand to Kurt’s shoulder and says they’ll figure something out, just take off that tie. Now take off my tie. The lights dim and the chicky bow music plays.
Brittany tells Santana that when she makes out with Artie (as Santana is putting herself back together post sweet lady kisses [DRINK]) they talk about feelings and stuff. Santana thinks that’s gross because feelings are gross and boys are gross and she just wants things uncomplicated. She reminds Brittany why their making out isn’t cheating: “Because the plumbing’s different.” Mm hm.
Brittany tells her that she wants to talk about their relationship, because it’s really confusing to her, maybe they can talk to a trusted adult? Santana snipes that breakfast is confusing to her. Well, “sometimes it’s sweet, sometime it’s salty. What if I have eggs for dinner? What is that?” [DRINK]
Puck and Lauren are watching a sex tape in school (omg.) Holly comes up behind them and wants to know what’s going on (in a cool teacher way.) While she admires their being comfortable with their bodies, those tapes are never a good idea. Her sex tape with JD Salinger was a disaster. Also, because they’re both underage, they could be charged with child pornography. This blows Puck’s mind.
Brittany and Santana come to Holly for advice and have a mini therapy session with candles and sexy sharing circles in a darkened music room. Santana says she doesn’t know if she’s a lesbian, she’s turned on by everything. Holly says that she gets it, she went to an all girl’s college and to this day, the sight of a broomstick skirt, Henna tattoos, and Tori Amos’ Patchouli Rape Vagina album sends her right back to her own experiments with lady loving.
Maybe they could sing about their feelings? Santana agrees to this, she has the perfect song, but she needs Holly’s help singing it. “I thought you’d never ask.”
Blaine and Kurt are in his room on his bed working on sexy faces. It’s not as sexy as that sentence hints. Blaine says hilarious things like, “Give me sensual, but don’t make fun of it, really try.” Kurt just growls at the mirror and waggles his eyebrows a lot and gets horribly embarrassed. He starts blushing and tells Blaine that he just isn’t comfortable with sex. He’s tried watching those movies, but “I just get horribly depressed and I think about how they were all kids once and they all have mothers and why would you get a tattoo there?”
Blaine tries to talk, but Kurt is just too horrified to be sitting with the boy he’s crushing on, talking about how unsexy he is. (Poor boo.) He just wants romance, is that so wrong? That’s why he loves Broadway, where the touch of a finger is unbelievably sexy. Blaine tries to talk about what two guys do together, but Kurt is beyond mortified and just wants him to leave.
Will is working on his song for the class, Prince’s “Kiss.” I love this song. This is not a song a teacher should sing to his students. [DRINK] He’s doing it as a tango and gets Holly to sing along with him. May I just say that unless you are Justin Timberlake you shouldn’t be a white man singing Prince? Nor should you attempt a falsetto? There is some excellent editing to hide that Gwyneth isn’t the best at ballroom dancing, and she again sounds fine (they both do) and it’s pretty sexy. But then, it’s a tango – that’s as sexy as it gets without moving to The Forbidden Dance: Krunking.
They are clearly into each other but she doesn’t want a relationship. “I’m damaged goods. Yes, that makes me terrific in bed, but that means I break guys like you.” She leaves and Will takes all the cold showers in the world.
Blaine shows up at Hummel Tire & Lube to talk to him about how amazing Kurt is, how innocent and uninformed he is. Burt is…quite uncomfortable with this gay kid (he double checks as he’s not sure how the Rachel-kiss thing turned out) talking to him about having The Talk with Kurt. Blaine tells Burt that Kurt is the most moral, kind person he knows, and he’s terrified that Kurt is going to not know Important Things and get in real trouble down the road.
Blaine admires their relationship – Blaine’s father is apparently not very comfortable with Blaine’s sexuality – and wishes he’d been able to talk to a parent about these things. “I’m sorry if I’m over stepping.”
“You are.” But you know Burt heard every single word. [DRINK]
In Glee, Holly, Brittany, and Santana sing the Dixie Chick’s version of Stevie Nicks’ “Landslide.” Well, Holly sings with Santana and Brittany providing harmony on the bridge and chorus. It’s a great song, and they sing it wonderfully, not just because Santana is clearly trying to tell Brittany how much she cares about her, and is trying to come out in a way, but also because she performs her parts from the heart. [DRINK]
Brittany is moved by it and they hug. Rachel praises them for being so bold as to sing a song of Sapphic love, “Brava, ladies, brava.” Don’t go putting labels on her, mujer, because she is not into flat tops and weight lifting. (Ahem.) Sam leans over to Artie and says how cool it is that their girlfriends are so close. “Wish you and I were!” Artie bites the inside of his cheek and looks ahead, trying to keep a straight face.
Fun fact: Ms. Nicks was there for the singing (Gwyneth had to learn the guitar portion a few hours before, even though she really just strums chords) and thought they did wonderfully and heaped praises on the cast. Also, she is tiny.
Puck shows up at the next Celibacy meeting because he has hit rock bottom. He doesn’t want to get busted for child porn, that is not rock-n-roll. (Well, in some circles, but they’re gross and not talented. I’m looking at you, Gary Glitter.) He wants to perform the “counter argument” with the ladies, and while three chicks and the Puckster is a typical Saturday night, they need a dude to balance out the vocals. Emma’s eyes light up.
Cut to the stage with Emma and the girls in the most amazeballs ’70s floral polyester skirts and ruffled baby blue blouses (the guys are in blue cowboy snap-front shirts and neckerchiefs) with Carl on drums. Pictures of wholesome apple pie hang in the background, they rock out “Afternoon Delight” and I think we all can say that nothing tops the version in Anchorman. Raise your hand if you did the Champ Kind “BEEEEEEOoooooooooohp whoooOOOOOOOP!” noise.
This performance is pretty damn close, though. Oh my god, it’s so funny, Rachel with her charming Hee Haw/Grand Ol’ Opry hands and wide grin and Puck’s head waggling back and forth. Oh, it’s so funny. Also, it’s funny because Emma has no idea the song is about having a nooner. And by “nooner” they mean sex at noon, not a delicious fluff and pineapple dessert meant to commemorate the nation’s bi-centennial. Carl waves Holly over and asks if she has any office hours. Um, things aren’t so great with them, it seems.
Burt has some pamphlets and it’s time for The Talk. Kurt is not okay with this; he jams his fingers into his ears and starts singing, “la la la!” Hey, you think Burt wants to talk about this stuff? But they’re going to, and they’re going to be better for having done so. [DRINK. Seriously. Burt Hummel, you are a good man.] He passes the pamphlets over to Kurt to explain the “mechanics” but he wants to give Kurt the real information.
Guys act like sex is something you do, they don’t think about the consequences, either physically or emotionally. Girls know that it’s more, they get that it’s about something, more than just an orgasm. And even though Kurt doesn’t have to worry about getting a girl pregnant, it’s going to be worse for him, because it’s two guys who just want to get to it, not thinking.
“It means something. You know, its doing something… to you, to your heart, to your self esteem, even though it feels like… you’re just having fun. Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to… do everything. But when you’re ready, I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around, like you don’t matter. ‘Cause you matter, Kurt.” [DRINK]
Hang on, there’s something in my eye….
Kurt gathers up his pamphlets, thanks his dad and leaves. And Burt sighs, glad that’s over and that it went so well. Best sex talk ever had on TV, folks, it really was. And it was by the gay kid’s dad. Thanks, Glee, for being awesome when it comes to this one character and for being something to admire. Now quit messing up the other things.
Emma and Carl are in Holly’s office when Carl explains that it’s been four months of marriage and still no sex. Holly is horrified, “Girlfriend! What is up with that? He’s hot!” Preach. Emma says they cuddle a lot (Carl is clearly over the cuddling) but she just can’t bear for him to touch her, she breaks out into the giggles.
Holly asks straight out, “Are you still in love with Will Schuester?” Emma doesn’t answer right away. Carl stands up, says that Emma can have the condo, he’ll be at the Radisson, and thank you, Doctor. “Not a doctor.” Emma begs her to not say anything to Will. “My lips are sealed. Just like your legs. Oh! Kidding! That was rude! Why did I say that? You know a real doctor wouldn’t have said that.”
Santana and Brittany have a heart to heart at the lockers. Santana explains why she’s a bitch all the time; because she’s angry, and she’s angry because she can’t be with who she wants, Brittany. She wants to be with her, she loves her. (Santana is choked up and teary eyed as she says this, and I want to give her all the hugs in the world.) Santana is afraid of dealing with the consequences of being in a relationship with Brit, because “I just can’t go to an Indigo Girl concert, I just can’t.”
Given how Kurt was treated, she’s just not brave enough to deal with the fallout. She just…she loves her. “Please, please say you love me back.” (Oh, my heart!) Brittany loves her, of course, and if it wasn’t for Artie-
“What? He’s just a stupid boy!” But Brittany doesn’t really work like that, she has had someone that has been kind and loving to her and she can’t hurt him like that. But if they break up, she’ll be all over a relationship. Not what Santana wanted to hear at all. She storms off, trying to keep her broken heart from choking the life out of her.
Lauren mocks Puck for being in the celibacy club (um, you were in the old hag/lonely hearts club last year, Missy) when he turns it around. He likes her, okay? He likes wooing her. “Next to dropping my afternoon deuce, it’s my favorite part of the day!” Most. Romantic thing. Ever. She plants a kiss on his smacker and tells him she’ll join, too. Yay? I’m sorry, they make no sense. THEY DON’T.
The next celibacy meeting has the addition of Lauren, Brittany, Artie and Santana. Rachel is leading as Emma is off “fixing her sham of a marriage.” Someone notices a hickey on Quinn’s neck. Whatever, she burned it with a curling iron. Riiiiiight. Brittany says, “The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub to keep your neck from getting burnt.” [DRINK] I mean, duh, you guys.
Flashback to Finn and Quinn making out. She’s super excited they’re dating because it’ll make becoming Prom King and Queen so much more likely. Oh, and she’s into him, too. She tells Finn he should have been her first. I think he’d settle for you being his second, ahem.
Holly is leaving the school, it seems, because there were some parental complaints. The cucumber demo made it almost impossible for the kids to watch Veggie Tales in the appropriate manner. She’s thinking that maybe she was too hasty with the whole “I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel. You don’t wanna get mixed up with a guy like me” talk. Maybe learning some romance is a good idea? Will pulls her into a tight embrace (tight embraaace!) and growls that she should remember he’s a very good educator. Rawr. The chicky bow music plays.
Drunken Thoughts: Now, I’m super happy that sex was treated in a realistic manner in some cases, and this episode is crazy hilarious in others. But man, does it irritate me in places. I think teaching abstinence as the best form of birth control is stupid. Logical? Yes. But sex isn’t logical, it’s hormonal. You should teach kids about condoms and IUDs and STDs and how you shouldn’t give it up on a first date and oral sex is NOT a substitute, that is a prize to be won, fellas, are you kidding me? And gag reflexes, and how to gracefully clean up after and how to not freak about your bodies and on and on and on.
But. If someone wants to abstain, that’s not stupid and something to be made fun of. Holly called Rachel frigid. She’s sixteen. Give them information, explain what it could be like, and then clap them on the shoulder for wanting to be responsible about their own body. Why is it okay for Kurt to get to choose that? His dad taught him what sex was, emotionally and mechanically, but it’s okay that he doesn’t want to act on it, but Rachel is mocked for also wanting to go that route?
I hated that aspect a lot. Also, I do think that a lot of the crap that gets bandied about with sex is redonk, you’re not gross for wanting it, you’re not broken for not wanting it, etc., but I don’t think it should be something that’s casual for teens. Sorry. Burt Hummel gives that great talk about how you’re doing something and that you as a human matter, and then Holly is all “hell yeah, get to it!” Have sex when you’re emotionally ready to be completely exposed (literally and figuratively) with someone, and be prepared for them to not call you back. Can you deal with that? Then go for it.
END OF PREACHING. Next episode, Original Song. Get ready, Klainers.