Real Housewives of New Jersey 3.16 – Singing in the Pain

So...this happened. I now demand Bravo produce a Gay Gorilla Guido show.

Okay, enough. Filming little kids crying while they sing a song to make their parents and relatives stop fighting is my line in the sand, it turns out. The redeeming part of this episode was the budding Gaymance between Greg Bennett and Joe Gorga. “He’s the gorilla of my dreams.” I may have just made dolphin noises of glee.

Before we can get to that, though, we start off with a charity 5K the gang has signed up for. Caroline and Jacqueline are driving back to Jac’s house discussing the event when they see Teresa sitting in their driveway waiting for them. Apparently this is unprecedented, Tre never does anything spontaneous that doesn’t involve table flipping or purchases of things with marabou vomit hot glued on.

They all hug (it’s a disguise – Tre needs help navigating the icy front walk in her 6 inch boots) and Tre catches them up on her book signing and how her brother and Melissa showed up just as it was closing. Caroline, ever the adult, remarks on how lovely it was that they came! Well, whatever, they didn’t come in the right way, so it’s all wrong.

Tre fills them in on the threatening texts (kind of cleaning up her husband’s part in it, but Jacqueline and Caroline aren’t dummies) and puts most of the blame in her brother’s court. Caroline says in a voice over that “real men don’t fight over texts. It’s so high school girly.” I love you, Caroline Manzo.

They all talk about the upcoming birthday party for the harpy child Milania, and how it better be perfect or she’ll put them all in the cornfield. Tre hopes things don’t turn ugly with the men, and Caroline just hopes they act like freaking men and not the pissy little bitches they’ve been all season. Wish in one hand and shit in the other, guess which will fill faster?

Caroline tells Tre to call Melissa right in front of her to try and get Melissa to work on Bro Joe, and for Teresa to promise that she’ll talk to Juicy, amaking sure this party goes well for Milania. (Or Milania might get angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s…angry.) So what could go wrong? Oh, everything.

Tre immediately tells her to get her man in line, that he starts shit, Mel fights back and says it’s not them, it’s the Guidices, and Caroline makes “cut!” motions at her neck, then softly bangs her head into the counter top. See, the mistake was that she thought Teresa could communicate with words.

Jacqueline takes a swig straight from the neck of an opened wine bottle and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand and asks wearily, “Did you get anything out of this?”

Teresa blinks her enormous eyes at the both of them and wonders when anyone will comment on how fabulous her boots are. They’re great, right? Riiiiiiight?

It’s the morning of the charity run, 5:30AM. Kathy and Rich are already up and ready to go and are putting on coffee while the kids get ready. Aww, that’s nice, the whole family is involved. Kathy’s all for the quicky little run (it’s like 2.5 miles. No big.) She thinks it’ll be a piece of cake, she runs all the time. (And bikes into town, too! I love Kathy.)

Jacqueline and Chris Laurita are a little less enthused. Chris will rise, but he won’t shine. Or run. But they can have his check, so that evens out, right? He asks Jacqueline what the charity is for. “Um… disableds?” Oh my god, Jacqueline. Well, at least we know they’re good for a big check, right? (Riiiiight?)

Teresa takes a dump (no, really) and sprays a shit ton (ha) of Febreeze. She tries to wake up Juicy. Tries. She pulls the covers off him and we see his meaty little frame in nothing but tiny black undies and what has been seen cannot be unseen. It came close, guys, I almost stabbed out my eyeballs.

She tells him how she’s got the runs. And she’s going to run. With the runs. There is far too much discussion about bowel movements in a show about “disableds” getting money from charity. She then threatens to hot box his face if he doesn’t get up. No, really.

The Manzos and Greg meet up at the Laurita’s house, everyone is chipper and in good spirits. (Are you seeing a theme? Good times happen when Juicy and the Runs aren’t around?) Juicy calls Chris to double check locations and tells Chris he’ll bring sausages and wine. It’s 7:00am.

Greg, who is becoming my favorite housewife, says “I think they have races for people who drink at 7:00am.” Greg Bennett, seriously. You are perfection. Don’t you go changing for me, I’ll tumble for ya.

In Caroline’s car, the kids are ribbing on Juicy. Christuhphuh starts. “Things Joe Giudice doesn’t say when he leaves the house: Is this legal?”

Lauren gets in a good one with a Teresa impression, “On top of Skinny Italian I’m gonna write a book about charity walks, Walking Italian. I’m very charityish.” Greg tries his hand at a Teresa, “I’m writing a book about my sister in law called Jealous Italian. And an SAT prep book called Stupid Italian.

Christhuhphuh is clearly the winner with “I’m writing a book about Kama Sutra called Fucking Italian.” He could do this all day, and that is the most hopeful sentence about this show I’ve ever written.

Tre and Juicy are finally on their way, and while driving (and putting on lip gloss, can’t have a charity run without MAC gloss) says to Joe, “We’re gonna get along with family, right? Riiiiiiight?” Juicy tries once again to not strangle her if only to end the headache that is her voice and says, “Yeah. Whatever. It’s not us, it’s them. I don’t start nothing.”

OH OKAY CLEARLY WE’RE ALL BLIND AND DUMB NOW. Here, let me Anne Sulivan things for you, Juicy, and waterboard you until you get that I’m signing “eff you!” into your palm.

They all show up late, because it’s just a damn charity run, who cares? What, like “disableds” aren’t late? Why do you think they had to put parking so close to things? Because they’re always late and selfish. (I died a little just now.)

Juicy, who never starts “nothing” tells the group at large that he knows who’s gonna win this thing, because “he’s spent his life running from everybody, ha ha!” Oh Juicy, you are the worst. To Bro Joe’s credit, he rolls with it and continues on with a positive mental attitude.

They all realize that there’s probably something official they should be doing and go register for their numbers. Oh, the race started 10 minutes prior to this. Juicy isn’t wanting to run, he’s an excuse machine, and Tre runs in place next to him screeching and smiling. The Manzos, Gorgas and Lauritas all decide to cheat and get closer to the finish line.

Tre makes a comment about the Wakiles (who are being honest and actually running the entire route) and how they run all the time, “but they’re not getting skinnier.” Please look at your husband and taste the bile of your own jealousy and idiocy, Teresa Giudice. Please.

Greg grabs up Melissa at the finish line and carries her around. She remarks that he’s like a horse, which perks up Bro Joe’s ears. He says he doesn’t care if Greg is gay and leaps on his front for a manly grope. Melissa says, “I swear you like men, just admit it.” Oh, do tell!

Juicy Joe walks along a busy street by himself as Tre runs to the finish line, Bro Joe cheering her on. Aw, that’s nice. Greg says that he hopes that when Juicy finally gets there he has some pizzas. Christuhphuh catches sight of Juicy running and says it’s like Rocky, but more Italian. Bro Joe ties a scarf around Greg’s neck and leads him off to who knows where, and I’m telling you, let’s give these two a show and help other Guidos come out. He tells Greg he’s taking him to, and I am not joking: The tailgate party with sausages.

I can’t be the only one that sees where this is going, I mean, it’s beyond a double entendre at this point, right? (Riiiiiiiiight?)

Time for more partying with the Manzo boys, Greg, and the Gorgas. Greg is in love with Melissa, and not just because he wants to be in her fabulous designer shoes in her Bellagio mansion with her gorilla man. Well, mostly because of all of that. He tells the Manzo boys that Joe is the gorilla of his dreams and he’s smoking hot, and Christuhphuh thinks it’s hilarious but Albie looks uncomfortable. What the hell, Albie, take your dentures out, stop the listhping, and get with the program, which is to laugh and have fun with life.

Mel is enamored with Greg, but she doesn’t quite have the smarts or understanding to not come off a tad homo-unfriendly with her word choices. Gay men aren’t “girls,” they are men. That are gay. I wouldn’t want them any other way. Because then they’d be actual girls and my competition for straight dudes. Most of the time. Ha. She just mostly loves him loving her.

They tell the Gorgas about the BLK Water party in NYC and Greg says Melissa should sing her new song at it. They pull the song out of thin air and play it, Greg bopping to the club beat and the Manzo boys sitting stone faced. There’s no Springsteen to it, I know, fellas. They say they can see that it’ll be popular and ask her to officially perform. Since Bro Joe is in Hoboken, Greg christens the town as Joeboken and alright, already, just kiss him.

Vito comes over to the Manzo house to spend the evening with Lauren making Mozarrell. They’re too Italian for that “a” at the end. Someone busts out the guitar line to “Let’s Get It On” and the sexiest (kinda) cheese making session ever happens. Oh yeah, you saucy minx, pull that cheesy ball. Wait, that just made me want to hurl. I’m sure it tasted great.

The Gorgas, Manzos and Greg are tearing it up at the club, and somehow Bro Joe ends up on Greg’s shoulders. He is on the man’s shoulders. They are so gay for each other, it’s almost painful that these two crazy kids can’t make it work. Greg and Melissa later talk about bikinis and heels and the upcoming trip to Punta Cana and Bro Joe tells Greg to fondle his wife. What.

Melissa is beginning to see the problem with having a gay friend that’s into your husband. (But Greg is a good guy. Joe just needs some boundaries. And a “hall pass” for a night so everyone can just work this out of their system.) Albie loves the Gorgas and think they’re the best couple ever. Joe tells the camera that Albie needs “a spiteful girl. Like my wife.” Oh my god, what is he talking about? He likes a hell cat, I guess.

Joe then stands outside with a gaggle of Guidos and tells them he calls his dick “Tarzan.” Oh, he says this with his hand on Greg’s shoulder. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS, RIGHT? One day, boys, one day your love will be accepted, this I believe.

It’s Milania’s 5th birthday party and she hates everything about her mother’s inability to produce what she wants. Oh, she’s going to be a delight as a teenager. She wants a crown, I thank you very much, not some slingblade hair clip with some damn sparkles glued on. Where is her crown!? It should be mentioned that Teresa loves this. Of course she does.

Apparently Ed Hardy has spun off a line for blind dogs and Teresa has mistakenly dressed her daughter in one of their outfits. It is horrible. If I may Tim Gunn this, “that’s a lot of look.” Fortunately Milania has some sense and hates it and wants a “princess” dress in her closet. It’s a typical fairy princess dress all little girls love, but she’s worn it before, so Teresa says no.

Milania throws a massive temper tantrum, even flings herself under furniture to make her point about how ugly her current ensemble is (she should have set herself on fire, really, it’s the only way to destroy some things, with cleansing fire.) Tre loves how demanding she is and decides that Milania knows best and talks in her dog whistle voice. (Greg’s dog Doris hears it and scratches at her ears all the way in Hoboken.)

Tre reminds us that she’s being sensible about things since the bankruptcy, and the camera flashes to stacks of paper plates that cost $.99. See? They’re being good! They’re having a pizza party at their restaurant where all the little kids will make little pies and those will be the ones sent out for delivery, so this isn’t a total loss. Smart.

Caroline and Kathy talk about the upcoming trip and how they are anticipating disaster. Me, too. Wait, not anticipating, hoping. Also, there will be no children, so that’s a relief in more ways than one. The Gorgas are late, and Tre makes a point of not letting children eat until they do arrive, and a group of girls start banging their fists on the table screaming for pizza. Fun.

Juicy shows Milania how to make a pizza, then she gets to have her real present which is to make everyone else make pizzas that she gets to lord over. It’s actually sweet, Juicy with his girls. Every time I think he’s a complete monster, he’ll do something charming with his daughters. He’s still a jackass, though. Also, did anyone else notice there were two sheet cakes and a bunch of cupcakes?

Okay, so… it got incredibly uncomfortable, and it’s because a child is involved, and I may be a broken, horrible person inside in many respects, but I just can’t watch this next bit. Nutshell; Gia sang a song to her sister, and that was painful enough because I’m awful and was judging a 10 year old’s singing capabilities (I’m sorry. I warned you.) but also because she then sang a song she made up for her mom and Uncle Joe, and it was just so painful, she stopped at one point, crying, then kept going, and there’s a room full of people watching this whole thing, no one knows where to look, and gah.

To Joe Gorga’s credit, he showered love and praise on his niece. Teresa did as well, in her obnoxious way, and Juicy leaned against the wall, shell shocked. He pulled his daughter into his arms and kissed her and told her he loved her and thought she did great, and damn, Juicy, you have some good things, I’ll admit it.

Caroline and Al are sad for this little kid crying her eyes out for her family to stop fighting, and everyone just wants the party to rev back up so this can be forgotten by the public. Tre and Joe hug and show Gia, then Teresa says, “See? We love each other!”

“Then act like it.” And a little child shall lead them. Maybe. (Side note, where the hell did the buck toothed girl from Luxembourg come from in her pink football jersey?)

Tre pulls out the dog whistle voice and hugs the Joes together, wanting them to kiss and make up. Rich tries to make them actually kiss, but he should have grabbed Greg (who wasn’t there) because you know Gorga would kiss the hell out of that.


Next Week: PUNTA CANA. Big hats! Gold lame bikinis! Fighting!