True Blood 4.12 – “And When I Die”

Jesus serves up eggs and sympathy to ‘Lafayette’ and tells his unusually sass-free boyfriend that he understands he may have pulled Lafayette into the whole magical craziness before he was ready, and that if Lafayette wants to live a magic-free life, Jesus is open to that. Apparently uncertain whether a “Hookah, please!” would be apropos at this juncture, Marnie stays silent, but she did put on a stunning silk wrapper I’m sure Lafayette would have approved. Jesus leans in to kiss Lafayette goodbye, and as his lips brush ‘Lafayette’s’ cheek, he feels a disturbance in his juju and pulls back with an uncertain, “Lafayette?” Before Jesus can question further, Marnie stabs him the hand with a fork, the tines still dripping egg yolk! Oh, that’s just ptomaine waiting to happen, y’all.

Demonstrating that he’s a man who likes to pick his moments, Jason waits until he finds Hoyt alone in the woods with a chainsaw to tell him that he had sex with Jessica. Hoyt asks him how, and Jason finger ticks missionary, doggie and girl-on-top, but before he can get to reverse cowgirl or tantric butterfly, Hoyt demonstrates a flying sucker punch. Hoyt preempts Jason’s “I’m sorry, Bubba,” speech with a kick to the ribs and calls him a fucked up, selfish piece of shit. Jason lies gasping in the dirt, and Hoyt sums up that what he had with Jessica was real, but Jason’s never going to have anything real, because there’s something inside him that’s just missing.

Marnie tells a hog-tied and bleeding Jesus that she wants the magic that’s been passed down to him in his blood. Jesus informs her that you can’t trade magic like Pokémon cards and Marnie threatens to kill Lafayette with some sexy self-inflicted knife play. Jesus begins to incant in Spanish, and his Mexican wrestler mask, I mean demon, manifests. Marnie gut stabs Jesus and licks his blood from the knife, taking the form of his brujo demon. Jesus apologizes to Lafayette as the life fades from his eyes. Noooooooo!

Drama-free for the nanosecond, Sookie heads to Merlotte’s to see if Sam still has a white baby-tee with her name on it. It’s Halloween and everyone at Merlotte’s is in costume, because despite living amongst vampires, witches, werewolves and maenads, they haven’t lost their sense of whimsy. Terry and Arlene are dressed as zombies, and Arlene tells Sookie that zombies are the new vamps (someone made the closeout sale at Borders, apparently).

Sookie offers her condolences to Sam over Tommy, and Sam tells her he “wasn’t himself” when he fired her and tells her she can have her job if she’ll start immediately and wear bunny ears (I think Sam’s just hoping having Sookie around will give him a front burner storyline again).  Terry greets Patrick (Felicity’s Scott Foley!), an old Marine buddy, and introduces him to Arlene. Patrick’s eyes flash to Terry at the word “wife” in what I would normally term a look of homosexual acknowledgement, but since Terry doesn’t acknowledge it, we’ll just call it creepy, “girls are icky” staring instead.

Alcide grabs a bowl of venison chili at Merlotte’s and tells Sookie that he’s sorry for abandoning her with vamps and that it’s over between him and Debbie. He reminds Sookie of that one time she tossed him a bone in that she wished she could fall for someone like him. He’s over having drama in his life, so he’s come to try to start a life of clarity with Sookie. Yeah, I’ll let you read that statement a couple of more times while I make cricket sounds. Sookie tells Alcide that she can’t change who she loves (either of them), and he tells her to try harder.

Tara finds Jesus’s lifeless body at Lafayette’s and figures out the entire first act at a glance! She runs to tell Sookie (who’s wigged by visions of Gran and fairy costumes) and Holly (who’s just stoned) and they head out after Lafayette-slash-Marnie while Holly takes stock of her Magic-Box-in-a-Bag.

Sookie, Tara and Holly find that Marnie-as-Lafayette has Eric and Bill chained back-to-back to the stake in Bill’s front yard. She’s helpfully stripped them shirtless first. Sookie and Bill distract  Marnie into an evil doer’s rant for  justice while Holly Winchesters a salt ring about the place. Marnie casts an incendio at Bill and Eric, and Sookie watches their love become a funeral pyre as she shoots Marnie a face-load of glowy-hands fairy power. Holly and Tara, and Sookie join hands and chant, calling forth the power of their ancestors as Marnie goes into form of: a demon!

An army of ancestor zombies, including Antonia and Gran, come forth from that conveniently located cemetery, and Antonia extinguishes the fire around Bill and Eric. Antonia tells Marnie that she’s there to take her home; that she can’t stay trapped between worlds, but Marnie insists she’s not done yet. Gran scolds, “Oh yes, you are!” and rips Marnie out of Lafayette’s throat, telling her it’s time to go. Marnie leaves with a final thought that it fuckin’ sucks, and Gran tells Sookie that it’s okay to be alone; we’re always alone at the end. Sookie sobs, Tara checks Lafayette for renewed sassiness and Eric and Bill feel a bit overdone.

With Lafayette possessed, Holly stoned and Sookie off saving the big bad vamps yet again, Arlene is alone and talking some trash out behind Merlotte’s. Since the scary-ass baby doll slash possessed baby storyline turned out to be a ghost of the week story, it’s the appropriate time for Rene to pop up and cause Arlene to find her religion. Rene tells her that Terry is bringing some evil, or at least some old marine buddies home for dinner without calling first.

Little Red Wanna-Be-Riding-Jason Jess comes to Jason’s front door. Before Jason can even say, “Want some candy, little girl?” they’re bumping and grinding on her little red hood, er, I mean cloak. Jessica tells Jason mid-straddle that she isn’t looking for a commitment; she doesn’t want to hurt Jason the way she hurt Hoyt.  Jason wonders if she doesn’t want to be with him because he’s broken inside like Hoyt said, but she’s doing something really interesting with her hips at the moment, so he lets it go.

In scenes of empathy, Pam cries in Ginger’s arms over Sookie and Eric and Sookie’s fairy vagina and stupid name while elsewhere Tara comforts Lafayette who blames himself for Jesus’s death.

Eric and Bill, now clad in matching robes, drink from Sookie in tandem to heal. Bill and Eric thank her for saving them yet again, and she tells them that she can’t imagine a world without them in it. Bill senses the big “…but” coming, and gives her his blessing to be with Eric. She tells Eric that she knew even as she was falling for woobie Eric that she loved vicious Viking Eric, too, but it doesn’t matter, because their time is over. In a scene of “Who didn’t see that coming?” she breaks up with both of them and leaves them standing side by side in the foyer in their Twinkie robes as she sobs on the stoop. Team Alcide it is!

Lafayette gets a visit from Jesus’s spirit who tells him not to worry, everything’s temporary and it all works out in the end: it’s a mystery, really. Besides, he probably would have gotten cancer and inept healthcare, anyway. He kisses Lafayette goodbye and tells him to just keep breathing, it’s that simple. Lafayette goes to argue that point, but Jesus gets a far better exit line than Marnie with, “Dude, I’m dead. You’re a medium: I’ll always be with you.”

Andy says it (again) with flowers to Holly and apologizes for the last time, explaining, as one does to a potential date, that he was a drug addict and thought he needed the V to talk to pretty ladies. That’s really all too much for Holly right now, but she does ask for a hug. Since she’s still dressed like a fairy, Andy is more than happy to comply.

Jason asks Jessica to stop comparing their benefits situation to her relationship with Hoyt. She heads out to find someone to glamour’n’eat since feeding off Jason would be too intimate. Jason offers up a Pretty Woman analogy and finds out that Jessica’s into prostitute roleplay, if that’s Jason’s thing. Jason tells her that she’s like no other woman he’s ever been with, and he’s been with a lot of women! Jessica can barely stand to leave pretty talk like that, but she’s post-sex peckish and takes her leave. There’s an immediate knock at Jason’s door, and naked Jason opens it, expecting Little Red to be back for more of the goods, only to find a vamped Reverend Steve Newlin hissing at him.

Alcide gets called to one of his work sites and sees that the Mississippi King formerly known as Russell has left an empty entombment and a rolled away slab of cement. Wow, it’s really old home week on this season closer! Alcide hefts the abandoned silver chains in his arms like a trembling damsel and broods meaningfully.

Nan goes to visit Bill and Eric who have changed into outfits with less of a Bert’n’Ernie vibe. Eric snipes at her gay stormtrooper back-up and Nan returns with a Bill and Eric rimming riff of her own. She informs Bill that she has quit both the AVL and the Authority after defying the order to kill Bill and Eric because she knew she’d be next. She offers a new alliance with them, and when Bill asks what they have to gain, Nan makes the mistake of maligning Sookie and calling Bill and Eric puppy dogs sniffing after the same bone. They inform her that Sookeh is No Longer Mine! in either sense, but Eric still speed decapitates the storm troopers and Bill gives Nan a taste of the true death, because that puppy dog thing was just not on.

Sookie arrives home in time to get the clue that it’s Debbie in the kitchen with a shotgun. Tara runs in and slams Sookie out of the way as Debbie fires, taking a blast head-side-up. Sookie grabs the shotgun and shoves it under Debbie’s chin as Debbie mewls and begs and as Sookie wavers, the gun goes off, killing Debbie and splashing Sookie with bits of Pelt. Sookie gathers a seemingly lifeless Tara in her arms and begs for someone to help them and end the crazy magnetism of it all. Hopefully abjuring Bill and Eric didn’t end their ability to sense her pain and they’re in mid-vamp speed across the cemetery with their pragmatism and healing blood, but we’ll have to wait a hiatus to find out!