We have a new intro for this season, and I’m continually frustrated with the impression the editors are giving the viewer that Lisa isn’t perfectly fabulous and admirable. I choose to believe she can do no wrong. Everyone else’s tag lines seems to be prescient. Taylor has finally found her voice? Adrienne is willing to bust ass? Kim can’t be defined, she’s a one of a kind? Alrighty then.
Kyle and family are moving into their new home, and only in Beverly Hills can this “modest” house appear to be charming and “quaint.” It’s 7000 square feet. True, that’s about the size of the Butler’s Pantry in Camille Grammer’s eighth home, but Kyle is a homey kind of gal, and this house suits her. Also, I love the pecan stain on those wood floors.
The morally corrupt Faye Resnick shows up to help, and I’m guessing she is Kyle’s decorator? She starts barking orders to Latin Heartthrob Husband Mauricio that his (truly hideous) billiards table does not belong in any of the many living rooms, but that it belongs in the garage. Where there’s a chandelier. This ain’t yo daddy’s garage.
Faye digs through the items on the front lawn as the move continues and finds a massive portrait of Kyle from when she was a young woman. I almost wonder if it was a close toss up between her and Demi Moore in the 80s, because they look so much alike, and Kyle even has that raspy, sexy voice. Not sexy are Kyle’s eyebrows in this painting. It looks like someone took Sam Elliot’s eyebrows and brushed them straight up so they look toothed. She claims her mother wouldn’t let her trim her eyebrows. Shame on you, mom! Friends don’t let friends have dead terriers on their faces.
Lisa Vanderpump, of the Monte Carlo Vanderpumps, is in a drastic situation. Her enormous closet/dressing room, probably the size of Kyle’s new home, is filled with too much fabulousness. You can barely distinguish one custom gown from another, hanging on padded silk hangars. The shoe storage alone is the stuff of dreams, and in the center of this room is a massive accessorizing island.
She calls in Rosia, the trusted Latina maid, to help her pick just the right thing to wear. While Rosia earns her keep, Lisa sits on the floor making out with her dog, Jiggy. So that’s how it is in their family. Look, I love my dog, but I don’t open mouth kiss her face. Mostly because, given the chance, she would eat cat poop and dead squirrels.
I like to imagine Rosia swearing Lisa out in rapid-fire Spanish, “Estropeó increíblemente a mujer rica. Su riqueza prueba como cenizas a mí. ¡La arrogancia en su gasto! Podría alimentar una nación en su presupuesto de zapato.” (You unbelievably spoiled rich woman. Your wealth tastes like ashes to me. The arrogance in your spending! You could feed a nation on your shoe budget.)
I like to also think that the Vanderpump-Todd family compensates her handsomely, so this becomes unnecessary.
Lisa tells us that the last time she went skiing, the skis were wooden. Ha. Rosia picks out a Dr. Zhivago outfit, and it’s utter perfection.
Across the street at the Bickersons, Adrienne feels it imperative to remind Paul that even though he’s a highly respected doctor, he’s an idiot that requires a babysitter. The man might forget to shut doors, how should she know? He might look back at the kids while driving, and that will surely result in everyone’s death. Paul retaliates for this by making their beloved German Shepherd follow him instead of staying by her side as she packs a massive bag of shoes. I kinda think they deserve each other.
A limo pulls up at Taylor’s, they drive to Adrienne’s, and struggle to put all of Adrienne’s bags in the back of the limo. Lisa will not be joining them, because she likes to be punctual and cannot abide standing around, waiting for someone. (Lisa? I agree one hundred percent.) I get the impression that Taylor and Adrienne aren’t super close friends as they dance around light-hearted subjects like therapy and her sham of a marriage.
When Taylor admits that she’s not even picked a restaurant in 6 years, Adrienne shuts down a bit. She won’t even let Paul finish the word restaurant, let alone pick one. These gals sure have a lot in common! Side note, Adrienne? Please get the tinsel out of your hair.
Kim tells Kyle as they exit their limo that she’s been under the weather, so she drank a lot of coffee (Irish, I’d wager) and now she’s so wired, whee! Hoo boy. Lisa stands at the entrance to the airport wishing they would shut up already and get their luggage inside.
They’re in a massive first class cabin (it seemed like there were 30 people in there!) and they’ve not even left the gate before Kim starts hitting on some guys. It takes fifteen minutes before she’s literally hitting on them. Some guy claims to have buns of steel and stands in front of her and Adrienne as they box his buns. That might be a sex term, I don’t know. It sounds like one, “Box your buns.”
Lisa tells the camera that she knew she was going on a school trip, so to speak, but didn’t realize “it was a kindergarten trip.” Lisa is a grownup, and she’s British. She’s not about all of the foolishness in public, which is why I adore her.
They land in Denver and find out that I-70 has been shut down, so the re-route to Camille’s house is going to take them four hours. That’s a two hour plane (ish) plus four more in a car. No, this can’t go wrong!
Camille is at her ski home, and it’s fabulous. It truly is. The views are outstanding. But, she has to sell it to satisfy her divorce decree. They have something like 17 homes together, so it’s not a huge hardship, let’s get real.
She walks through the house to make sure everything is Just So (the individual robes are a nice touch) and as she walks into her son’s bedroom, she pulls a massive teddy bear out of the crib and gets creepy with it. Oh my god, is Camille Grammer a furry? Let’s hope not. MOVING ON. She goes to the “second” master suite, and knows immediately that “Miss Vanderfabulous” will want it, and why not? It’s a wonderful room.
In the car trip from hell, Kim won’t stop talking. Raise your hand if you think she took advantage of the free booze in first class? She lays down across the back bench most of the way, forcing the 4 other women to squeeze in next to each other. Fun times. Kim talks and talks and talks and Kyle quietly passes out a few Xanax when Kim’s not looking.
Kyle asks Lisa if Ken was mad at her from the dinner party drama, and Taylor butts in, feeling like she can when someone else starts her fights for her, to which Lisa replies, “You should have this argument with him, end of story.” I agree. I also agree that Ken is entitled to his own opinion about himself, but that it was in poor taste to have said therapy would make him feel like less of a man.
Oh, dear sweet 8 pound baby Jesus, there’s Camille’s house! They bound out of the limo and there are genuinely happy hugs all around. Lisa remarks that the house is beyond gorgeous, as she knew it would be.
“I’m sad for her, selling off all of these houses, she’ll be down to just two. Dire situation here. Ah ha ha.”
How can you not love Lisa Vanderpump?
Camille talks to the camera like she’s a devious little puppet master having the women all choose their own bedrooms. O…kay? Sure, she could have assigned them, “But where’s the fun in that?” Evil smirk. I think she should have invited Alison Dubois to puff her electronic cigarette and tell them, “KNOW THIS. You will pick the fly fishing room and you will not get a good night sleep in it, ever.” If you didn’t think Lisa picked that one room, then you’re not thinking.
Kim and Kyle decide to share a room to save drama, and Taylor takes the baby’s room. This is going to be important for next episode. Everyone unpacks their luggage so they can get ready for dinner. Kim gives Kyle shit for packing a Vegas-style sparkle wardrobe. She has a point, it’s -10F outside.
They head out to dinner and Camille is sure to get in digs at Kelsey at every opportunity. Now, I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve a lot of it, he did cheat publicly, but ugh, it just makes her look so petty when she talks about him being hairy and smelly. Also, on our way to dinner, I don’t want to think of your ex’s gorilla back, thank you.
They hit the Westin (I love Westins, that’s where my husband and I usually stay when traveling) and they sit to dinner, more jokes at Kelsey’s expense, and a gorgeous cheese board is brought out. The girls try and convince Camille and Kim to hook up with someone, but they’re wanting relationships, not one night stands.
Next morning and Kim is hungover. I mean, sick, whoops. She’s got a fever and her head is pounding. Taylor tries to nurse her a bit, but Kim just wants her water, Taylor doesn’t need to bring her anything. Oho. Someone needs to check that water bottle, I’m just saying. Or bring her a Bloody Mary.
Taylor and Lisa are the first up, and they have next to nothing to say to one another aside from general pleasantries, but fortunately Camille gets up so she can make pancakes. (I’m surprised by this, I got the impression that she would have a cook make all of her food, didn’t you?) Kim staggers out of her bedroom wondering where the mimosas are.
Kyle gripes about Kim talking all night long, Kyle just wanted to sleep. Kim likes to chat! Well… sometimes you need to shut it, sister. Lisa shows Adrienne how to crack an egg when someone comes to the door: the ski concierge. Camille grudgingly opens the door (she’s in her pjs) and brings the group in with all of the gear.
Adrienne isn’t sure if she should ski, the only time she did, she tore her ACL. Camille says there is a gentle slope she can be on, and they’ll wrap her knee. Kim is suddenly lively (seriously, someone check her water bottle) and flirts with one of the ski instructors. Lisa comes out in her Dr. Zhivago outfit and not only do people not comment on how pretty she looks, but they tease her for it, as well. Shameful.
Taylor, Kyle and Camille are experienced skiers, so they take off for fun while the rest of them take it slow with an instructor. Lisa says to the group of ski instructors, “So, Beaver Creek. You ready to take these creaky beavers up there?” How can you not adore this woman, come on?
They have a blast, they burn crazy calories, and a chef comes out with piping hot chocolate chip cookies on silver trays for the ladies. They all eat at least one. Taylor takes the tray out of his hand and walks off with it at one point. And now I want a cookie.
Taylor and Kyle hop in the jacuzzi after skiing and have a heart to heart. Taylor is clearly miserable in her marriage, but she admits that she’s terrified of being alone, she didn’t marry until she was 34. She wants to be in a relationship. Kyle asks her how long she’ll give it, how long until it’s clearly not working?
“One year.” Her therapist set that benchmark, but she just doesn’t see how she can get rid of all of this resentment and anger. For what? We don’t know, she doesn’t tell anyone what the real problem is. Now that everyone knows that Russell was physically violent with her, it all makes sense. It’s very sad. I’m not a huge fan of hers (oh my god, get that shit out of your face and eat something!) but she’s a woman in a horrible situation, and she has my sympathy.
At one point she looks like she wants to put her head on Kyle’s shoulder, but can’t bring herself to do it. Instead she wraps herself up in her thin arms and tries to not sob. Kyle worries about her and thinks she’s “broken.” I think Kyle’s right.
NEXT WEEK: Taylor has an honest to god breakdown that puts New York’s Kelly to shame, and Kim is schnockered beyond the telling.