This one took a bit because I had to pop my eyeballs out and soak them in bleach for a few hours. I love this show, I love the kids (mostly) on this show, but this is one where I can’t stop shouting at the TV, “Where are their mothers?”
We left off with Jenni and Snooki heading to work, and Snooki was down in the dumps about Jionni saying how much of an embarrassment she is. Jenni (and Ron, too) tell her they love her, they’re here for her, and they just want her to enjoy her time in Italy, not spend it crying over some guy all day long.
Somehow this pisses her off when people “care” and “show concern.” She assures them that she’s fine, and continues on to work in a pair of boots that look like she skinned a wampa. She hates work, so why would she care about dressing in proper clothing for an eating establishment? (Can’t you believe that at some point, someone pulled a long, white…thing out of their pizza? Gleh.)
All they can think about is how they’re going on a road trip to Riccione, a seaside town in the northeastern portion of Italy on the Mediterranean Sea. Lovely. Jenni wants to finally put on a bikini and get some sun, maybe do some shopping and have a great time clubbing and drinking and partying with her friends.
Ron asks their boss if he’s familiar with Riccione, and the guy gets a little weird. Oh, does he know Riccione! As he says, “I lost many pieces of my brain there.” Now, the average person like Ron hears that and thinks partying. But I hear that and think the only logical thing to think: ZOMBIES. So we are totally going to be on the lookout for them because we know Ron isn’t.
Jenni, Nicole and Ron slough off work to go shop up the street for beach gear. Their boss has to wander up and down the piazza looking for them, and I wonder if MTV really overcompensates these shop owners financially. These kids, I swear. Why has no one taught them how to have a damn job? Protip: you do what you’re told until they tell you to stop doing it. Then you get money. This is simple, I don’t understand why this is so difficult. This is why China will pwn us in 10 years, people.
The “work” day is done, they load up a stack of pizzas and for some reason an industrial roll of paper towels (is this why the toilet was clogged last season? They think this is toilet paper?) and head back to the house. Snooki immediately calls Jionni, who claims that it was Nicole that was being very rude to him.
Because I have brain cells that function, I can recall that he got shitty with her for being a potty mouth. She was nothing but loving to him, just with words like “bung hole” and “sugar meat.” She can’t remember the call because she’s perpetually smashed, and he knows this. I don’t like this, folks, not one bit. She tells him that the roommates told her he was the rude one. He essentially calls everyone in the house a liar. He puts in a fresh tampon, tells her he’s not coming, so there and hangs up. Douchebag.
Everyone packs for their weekend, which literally consists of one overnight. They pack like they’re moving somewhere. The girls (which, don’t forget, includes Mike) have about three or four large suitcases, each. Jesus Christ. In one of the funniest visuals ever, Mike stacks all of his “luggages” together and Ron ties a knot in the plastic grocery sack that is serving as his luggage. All he’s bringing is a Speedo, some bananas, and protein powder. What else does he need?
Pauly looks at all the stuff and tells the group, “You do realize we have Fiats, huh?” They pile everything on top, jam what they can around each other in their small Euro cars, and head out. ROAD TRIP! The guys are in their car having fun, the girls are in theirs, jamming to techno, fist pumping, and flashing cars as they drive by. Well, Deena is. Jenni is trying to maintain her cool because between Season 1 and Season 4, she became a proper adult.
They get to Riccione, which is a beautiful Mediterranean village, from the looks of it. Boardwalk, clubs, cafes, long and beautiful beach. Snooki tells the camera, “I feel like we’re on the border of a continent, you know? Like it’s by the ocean?” I swear to the god of your choice that I did not make that up, she actually said that.
“True story, when you get to the end of a land mass and hit the waters, that’s the friggin’ edge. That land? That’s called a continent. Hey Snooki, just curious, ya parents aren’t siblings, are they?”
The guys head out to check out the scenery, get some food, have a good time. Please notice that Raaaaahn and Sammi are happily spending time apart. My mind? Blown. As they guys hit a beachside cafe, they pass a dude that is a dead ringer for Mike. No kidding, it looks like Mike’s clone. La Situazione.
The girls get greased up for the beach and a little shopping. They quickly turn into “WHOO!” girls. You know who you are. Everything is “WHOO!!” Shots lined up? “WHOO!!” Someone trips and bumps into someone? “WHOO!” It’s…it’s not a good time for the rest of us, okay? They’re sloppy at the bar, the bartender is clearly shocked by their constant shouting and screaming and talking of vaginas.
They shout out to passers-by “How do you say vagina in Italian?” Oh, for the love of… STOP IT. Some man in a sweater and side burns tells them that girls shouldn’t talk that way. “What way?” Coarsely, about risqué things. “Eh, we’re from Jersey.” Deena looks around marveling at the scenery and says, “I had no idea that Italy had, like, a Caribbean Island in it.”
I just… wow, ladies.
The guys crack up at the scenery that seems to consist of old ladies with their fun holes uncovered and old dudes with paunches hanging over their Speedos. Welcome to European beaches, folks. Ah, we have the equivalent, go to the Redneck Riviera and you’ll see all manner of things that can’t be unseen.
The girls do a little shopping, still drunk. Snooki still has a drink with her, and she promptly spills it all over a table of merchandise. Oy. As Snooki and Deena get sloppier, Sammi and Jenni are sobering up and getting embarrassed by the spectacle they’re making of themselves. Sam and Jenni start to walk off, wanting to not be with Team Meatball anymore. Snooki and Deena chase after them (wobbling on their wedges) until they hear the miracle sound of an un-tiss un-tiss un-tiss coming from that-a-way.
They branch off to the bar for some more drinking and dancing, Sam and Jenni have quiet time at the hotel to shower and get ready for dinner. The guys show up at the same place as the Meatballs, already cleaned up and dressed for the night. They tell the girls they only have an hour and change to get ready, but they’re having fun now, still drinking.
At one point (after being helped up onto a speaker to dance on) Snooki runs at Deena and crashes into shrubs, laughing her ass off. Oh, this is a delight. The guys have a drink or two, the girls have a drink or nine, and then Deena, rocking out on the dance floor, shimmies so hard that the string on her bikini bottoms pops and her britches fall off. Pauly notices and hollers, “I never danced my underwear off in my life, she goes hard, I’ll give her credit.”
Are you picking up that they’re still in their bathing suits? At a bar? Dancing on speakers? I’m saying they have class, that’s what I’m getting at. The guys, so overwhelmed by their class, decide it’s time to move on to a new place that doesn’t have…that.
Dinnertime, and the gang (sans Meatballs) meet at what looks like a terrific seafood restaurant. My girl Jenni looks stunning in a drapey one shoulder number (she’s all about the one shoulder lately) and the guys hold off ordering for a bit, wondering if Deena and Nicole are coming. After a while, they go ahead and eat, have some wine, good conversation. We see them paying up the tab when the Meatballs show up, hungry.
Are you kidding me? There were six courses with dinner, and now the group has to hang around waiting for these drunken idiots to keep drinking more and eat sloppily. They’re like animals at this point, if animals could hold a folk and wear a pouf.
They head to the club, finally, and Deena is so trashed at this point that she’s slurring everything and can’t sit up. Sammi asks her if maybe she should just go home? “No, I don’t reh rur slusher rah shlee.” Yeah, this is a super good time you’re having, D. Meanwhile, one foot away, Jenni is trying to remember why she’s friends with Nicole as Snooki blows into her face and is generally an idiot.
Guys. When Sammi “Raaaaaaaahn!” is the voice of reason, you have gone too far.
They get to the club, it looks amazing and is packed to the gills with party people. The guys have a great time, Mike convinces some chick to kiss him, and Snooki and Deena are drooling and slipping all over the place. They’re outside at one point, dancing on the lip of a hot tub (I cannot believe neither of them fell in) and as Deena holds onto the glass wall surround, she drops it like it’s hot and shows the whole club how they make hair pie in Jersey.
I AM SORRY. Even MTV put up a “Jersey Shore” bump to cover it because no one wants that, Deena. Jenni sees this, claps a hand to her mouth and tries to stop her from doing it, but Deena’s all “Shluurrr sluh sheeeero ananother thin shleeee.” There are massive groups of guys gathering now, laughing their heads off. Oh, the humanity!
Now at this point, Deena and Snooki share eye contact, because this has all been a front. They’re sober as judges. This is their disguise so they can go off into the dark and put on their superhero outfits and stop the zombie hoard that is at this very moment gathering, ready to feast on the drunken brains at the club.
In no way are they writhing on top of each other in a darkened corner of the club, they are helping one another change outfits. The gang, not understanding what they’re seeing, turns away in horror, giving Deena the chance to use a hidden flamethrower and burn up the pressing mass of undead while Snooki pulls an AK-47 out of her pouf and double-taps each of their skulls.
THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. They are not sucking face and riding one another. They are swapping secret CIA codes that have been secreted into special cavities in their teeth, and the only way to unlock the cavity is by the “fingerprint” on the other agent’s tongue.
Everyone piles into a cab (not realizing how close it came that they were all eaten by zombies) and turn away in disgust as Deena and Nicole continue sharing CIA secrets. Those cavities are hard to unlock sometimes.
Snooki only has on one shoe at this point (the other shoe was a shoe bomb, lobbed into the last surviving group of zombies as they made their escape) and stumble stomps back into the hotel, a job well done. America: fuck yeah! Because their secrets are secret, of course they have to climb on top of each other under a blanket and share intel. And it’s going to take all night long, and sometimes you’re so upset by intelligence reports that you might moan or gasp. Or amused at a turn of events and giggle softly. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
The next morning, Ron wakes the gang up (minus the Meatballs again) with Pauly’s signature “Waking time, oh yeah!” shout. He then repeats everything Pauly says for the next hour and change. Pauly says he’s been swacked.
“Ya swagger getting jacked: swacked. ”
Pauly says, “Sometimes the stuff I do is contagious, I unnastan, but damn.”
Jenni and Sammi continue shopping and having a lovely day at the beach while the Meatballs sleep off their hard work fighting the undead menace. Jenni says she wishes for a Men in Black mind zapper. The guys also enjoy their day, and get to talking about the Meatballs. Ron says that now he understands Jionni’s point of view and he’s on his side now. The guys are all bothered by this turn of events. (I know! I thought the CDC would be able to contain the zombie virus, too!)
They head to the hotel to pack up for the trip back to Florence, when they see the girls are still in bed. Vinny notes that the room smells like “sweat and regret.” That’s a pretty distinctive smell, I think we all can imagine that one. Jenni shakes them awake, tells them to get up because it’s time to go.
The Meatballs claim that they “blacked out” and “can’t remember a thing.” Nicole checks her backup banana clips to her semi-automatic, tucked safely away under her weave. Deena says she’s sure she’d remember if they “did sex” as she slips a little C-4 into her bra. Snooki puts toothpaste on her finger, cleans her teeth, and contemplates the meaning of zombies, do they represent our fear of death? Or our fear of consuming everything until we all starve as a people?
The gang loads up the Fiats and they drive to Firenze. Florence, that is. DaVinci’s, Tit-i-ans. The Jersey Shore Guidobillies! [banjo interlude] It takes Nicole a few miles to realize she forgot to disengage the parking break. The smoking engine gave it away.
As soon as they’re back she calls Jionni to confess. Everyone sits around to listen in. She first asks if he’s still mad at her. “I wasn’t.” I hate him, guys. She says she has something to tell him, but he’s not gonna like it. She has to go deep undercover in the Siberian wilderness for 10 months to track down the mad scientist that is manufacturing and releasing the zombie virus.
He pauses for a minute, breathing heavily, and says “Alright.” Everyone heaves a sigh of relief. She says she loves him, and he replies in the affirmative, albeit grudgingly.
Mike, Deena and Snooki go to work where Mike actually works and Deena and Snooki act like 10 year olds and hide on their shift in some god damned trashcans. Another girl on shift has to go drag them back to work, and you can tell she’s tired of these stupid Americans. They’re just acting like idiots.
They finally get off “work” and decide it’s time for some GTL. Deena and Nicole get in their little car and head out into the notoriously chaotic Italian traffic with scooters and pedestrians whizzing by. Nicole loses control at one point and rams the back corner of a parked cop car.
A cop car. She hits a freaking polizia. Sirens start flashing, a cop asks her for her license, which she doesn’t have on her. Are you kidding me. Deena rushes to call the guys, tells them what’s happening and asks them to please bring Nicole’s license. They get the severity of this right away (if she’s jailed, they could be deported) and race out the door to find them.
An ambulance pulls up and puts one of the cops in a neck brace and straps him onto a stretcher. Wow, they were going about 15mph, really? Who knows, when you’re parked and hit maybe that’s worse? They make Nicole take a Breathalyzer, she’s terrified and shaking, and they tell her to get in their car. Uh oh. She loses her cool and starts whining and crying, she doesn’t want to go with them! Too bad, they don’t care.
She’s loaded up with Deena in the back of a police car and as they pull away, the guys show up with her license.
Next week! Jionni comes to visit, Snooki acts like a damn fool, and Jenni reaches her braking point with Snooki.