Prom! Of all the teen moments, does anything mean as much as prom? Aside from all of the other big moments? And media prom means crepe paper and outdated references to proms of yore and girl fights and guy fights and punch spiking. Which is why today’s cocktail is Everything’s Peachy Prom Punch.
Today’s free space is to drink every time an over-used prom cliché is mentioned.
Prom is just around the corner, so Jacob Ben Israel Apfelbaum Schulman (serious, Glee, this character has been so stereotypically concocted, it’s just time to pull the plug. Also, I don’t know any other common Jewish surnames after 2 seasons of working this joke.) is interviewing the candidates for Prom Queen and King, starting with Noah Puckerman. It seems Puck and Lauren are trailing Finn and Quinn in the latest polls. So how does Puck feel about that? Also, how does it feel to hand his balls over to Lauren?
Uh…what? Yeah, Puck, the word on the street is that you’ve been [whipcrack!] whipped by your lady, and your street cred is in the toilet.
Principal Figgins has called Sue and Will to his office for some unknown reason. Sue assumes it’s a farewell for Will, because he’s leaving for Broadway, and that has her “positively horny with grief.” She even brought him a gift of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” for him so he “can keep his head merkin buttery fresh.”
It’s nothing of the sort. It seems that Air Supply canceled on playing at the McKinley Junior Prom because they have a boat show in Iowa, so the $400 that Figgins was going to pay them can go to the New Directions, if they’re interested in the job. Will isn’t sure about that, they’re only a few weeks away from Nationals and they haven’t bought new leggings for the girls or worked out choreography. Or picked any songs or have any damn idea what they’re going to do.
Sue doesn’t want the New Directions to perform because they are so awful, they’ll incite a drinking riot, which means the punch will be spiked, and McKinley High serves her punch recipe, the one her grandmother drowned in. Will knows they need the money (that’s 1600 pieces of taffy they don’t have to sell!) and takes the gig, but Sue puts in the caveat that they can’t sing any of the songs they’ve already performed that suck. She has a list she keeps in her Spanx at all times, should he want to use it as a reference.
Lauren talks to the other girls in Glee about how hard it is finding a dress to wear and she’s going to have to make an ugly-ass pink taffeta tube with the shoulders cut out like Andy in Pretty In Pink. Quinn reminds them all that they can get married multiple times, but there’s only one junior prom. The dress is the most important thing. [DRINK – the dress is the most important thing.] Aww, she’s so romantic. Mercedes grumps in her seat because no one asked her.
Will tells the Glee kids that they’re going to perform at the prom, but he’ll make sure they stagger the songs so everyone gets a chance for sexy fun times dancing. Mercedes storms out, because can’t anyone feel her pain?! Kurt offers to go after her, but Rachel squares her shoulders. Kurt has someone, Rachel doesn’t. She feels Mercedes’ pain keenly. If she was allowed, she might even sing about it.
Will asks what that was all about, and they catch him up. Brittany doesn’t see what the big deal is, she doesn’t have a date either, but she’s going because she wants to dance. And she knows all of their dates will dance with her. “So your dates are really my dates.” [DRINK] Also note that Kurt is committing a serious faux pas by wearing a shirt made of the new digitized camo and a bow tie that is the old Army camo. Never mix patterns like that, Kurt, come on. [DRINK]
Out in the hall, Mercedes whines that she just wanted to be a pretty pretty princess for one day, she doesn’t want to have to be Miss Sassy Head Roll Teen USA all the time. [DRINK- prom makes everything better] Sometimes she just wants something pink and sparkly and she wants to be the Charlotte, okay? She’s tired of being Black Miranda. Why can’t some miracle boy just tell her she looks pretty and bring her a corsage? Rachel doesn’t have a date either, so maybe she can come up with a solution for the both of them?
Kurt takes Blaine’s hand at Breadstix (it’s after 6, so I’m assuming the Lima Bean is closed, as there are only two eating establishments in the whole of Lima, Ohio.) “Blaine Warbler, will you go to Junior Prom with me?” Blaine looks amused and a little shocked by this, so Kurt hurries on, “It’s be the social even of the season?”
It’s not that Blaine doesn’t want to make Kurt happy, he just has bad memories of previous school dances. When he first came out at his old, pre-Dalton school, he took the only other gay kid as a friend to Sadie Hawkins. (Matching navy blue Polos, I bet.) They were waiting for the friend’s dad to pick them up when they were jumped by three guys who “beat the living crap” out of them. So… he’s balking because of past memories.
“This is perfect!” Kurt exclaims. “You couldn’t face up to bullies at your school, so you can do it at mine!” He goes on to say that really, if Blaine is that worried about it, they can just go to a movie, it’s really okay if he doesn’t want to do the dance. Blaine says that he’s crazy about Kurt, which means yes, he’ll go. Outstanding!
Mercedes and Rachel find Sam and make him a proposition for a three-way. Not like that, a three of them go to the Prom together three-way. Uh, Sam is dirt poor, ladies, he can’t even afford a comb for his hair. (Seriously, what has happened to his hair?) They tell him to borrow a suit from his dad, they’re going to get Goodwill dresses and Lysol to kill the bacteria and smell, and they can eat at Luby’s where they have all you can eat fish sticks and pudding for three dollars. DREAM PROM DATE.
Mercedes insists this isn’t charity (no, you’d at least pay for a hot cup of coffee and a hair cut, if it were.) Sam agrees to go, saying that “it would be an honor.” He’s cute.
Kurt is brought in to help the girls pick prom dresses. I question this as Kurt is presently dressed like a gay Luke Skywalker. White linen pants, a white jacket, a low, hip slung leather belt, winter-weather Doc Martins, unlaced, and a salmon scarf with purple skulls on it. What on earth have they put this boy in? [DRINK] And the scarf is tied like Mr. Furley, and just stop it, costume department. Stop it.
Lauren comes out in a multi-tiered taffeta affair in the Bad Yellow. (White people: you can’t pull this color off. You look diseased when you wear it.) The dress has an unfortunate fur shrug as well and looks positively antebellum. [DRINK- the Ugly Prom Dress] Kurt assesses the situation and tells her that no one over a size 2 looks good in a prom dress. Well, thanks? So how about she runs out and grabs a navy blue dress, as that’s both chic and slimming? The girls applaud him. (The “no one over size 2” line is troublesome, let’s just be honest.)
Next up in Santana, who evidently is a size 2, maybe 0, because she looks amazing. Red, slinky, one shoulder number, and Kurt simply says, “I have no criticisms. It’s perfect. Go with god Satan, uh, Santana!”
Artie shuts his locker door after a long look at the picture of Brittany he has taped inside when accosted by Puck. Puck doesn’t want to win Prom King, after all. He’d much prefer the title of “anti-King,” which is won by being the one to spike the punch. [DRINK- Punch Spiking] Problem is that he’s Enemy #1 with Coach Sue, so he has a plan. He’ll create a diversion by using “sweet dance moves” on Sue and Artie can spike the punch. Artie doesn’t think that will help him win Brittany back (what?) so he can’t help. (This is so convoluted.)
Rachel uses the AV Club as a sounding board for a number she’s working on, Adele’s “Rolling in The Deep.” As soon as she starts singing, Jesse St. James shows up in the back of the auditorium and starts singing the song, she joins in on the chorus. He really sounds great on this kind of bluesy rock song. It needs a bit of grit to the voice, and Lea Michele doesn’t have that. But they do a fine job with this song (but no one can sing Adele like Adele. Maybe Santana could take it on.)
He’s failed out of college, because he didn’t realize he had to go to any classes but his show choir courses. English and Scientific? They should have put someone in there for him. He says that what he did to her (egging her with Vocal Adrenaline) is his life’s one regret and he’s back to make it up to her. He traded love for a fourth consecutive National Championship, and that was dumb. “For a first, maybe, but a fourth? No way.” He then asks her what she’s doing for prom.
Finn finds Rachel in the hallway later and says he “heard a nasty rumor” that Jesse St. James is taking her to prom. Well, he’ll be joining Mercedes and Sam on their budget date, so that’s true. But how can she trust Jesse after what he did? Well, Miss Rachel Berry doesn’t need his concern, nor his “I still care about you’s.” She would just rather he be as supportive of her relationship like she’s been to his. I suspect he’ll sing a sexy flirtatious song to her in front of Jesse and go on seductive stakeouts any day now.
He tries to lighten the mood by saying that prom is stupid anyway, and he knows he’s going to pick the wrong tux, the wrong colors, and a stupid dumb flower that will piss Quinn off. (Damn, she’s high maintenance.) Rachel gives him advice on the perfect flower for his date, then turns away, crying. [DRINK]
Santana, in full Bully Whips regalia, loudly speaks into her walkie that there is a GAY PERSON COMING THROUGH, AN UNMOLESTED GAY PERSON WALKING SAFELY THROUGH THE HALLWAYS as she leads Kurt to his class. He stiffly works out “I’m walking away from you now,” through clenched teeth, positively mortified.
In Home Ec, Brittany holds an egg in her hand, not ready to crack it. “I just don’t understand the difference between an egg with a chicken inside and an egg with an egg in it.” Tina says, “they’re the same thing.” Nope, that’s too much for her. [DRINK] Artie rolls in and says he wants to do a little something for her. Kurt has clappy hands and breathes, “Prom Proposal!”
Artie starts performing “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder (which was written about his baby, but whatever) as Sam, Puck and Finn back him up with instruments. [DRINK- over the top prom proposal] Artie, you are a wonderfully soulful white boy. Brittany applauds him, says it, too, was lovely, but she’s not going to prom with him. He called her stupid, that hurt her feelings, and she wants to go by herself to “work on me.” He apologizes again, totally crestfallen (this always works in the movies!) and mutters to Puck that he’s in on Operation Boozy Prom.
At the Hudson-Hummel house, Blaine double checks with Finn that it’s cool if he also performs with New Directions at prom. Burt tells the kids about his powder blue tuxedo so he could look like Tony Orlando, and I’m sorry, but this is too clichéd. [DRINK- Powder Blue Tux. DRINK – Tony Orlando reference.] Those two things are from the early to mid 70s, and Burt was an 80s man. Writers of shows: stop with the powder blue tuxes. It’s a shark jumper.
Kurt comes out to show off his outfit, which is really awesome, if I do say so myself. [DRINK] It’s a fitted jacket, tuxedo shirt, kilt and leggings with boots, and he gives a celebratory twirl. Finn thinks it rocks, because damn it, he’s had some good character growth and Kurt is his brother from another mother. He tells Kurt it looks like “Gay Braveheart.” Burt, however, is not as pleased.
Burt thinks his son is trying to stir the pot, and while he thinks his son should be able to wear what he wants, he also knows there are people that just want an excuse to go at him. Now, this is the one time that I disagree with Burt Hummel. There was always a guy that wore a kilt for prom, every year I went to high school. In Texas. So I don’t think it’s a problem at all.
Unfortunately, Blaine also sides with Burt, because he’s remembering the meaty fists of some bullies smashing his cheek bone a few years back. Kurt straightens his spine, reminds them that he’s done nothing but the right things and prom is about joy, not fear, so he’s going. “I’m wearing this outfit, I worked hard on it, and I think it’s fantastic.” Me too, Kurt.
Kurt is walked to French class by Karofsky, but there haven’t been any incidences of bullying. Kurt says that maybe it’s because no one cares. Not that everyone is suddenly tolerant, just that they’re over the mocking stage. He also tells Karofsky that he can’t hate him for what happened, he just feels for him. “”I see how miserable you are, Dave. You don’t have to torture yourself over this.”
Dave is overcome with emotion and chokes out how sorry he is, how “freaking sorry” for what he’s done to Kurt over the years. Kurt may think things are okay, but Dave’s not coming out any time soon. He commands Kurt to wait there for him after class, so Dave can make sure he’s safe. Poor guy.
Quinn puts on her practice tiara (you’re going to mess up your hair, girl!) and envisions winning Prom Queen because this is all she has to live for. [DRINK- Prom Queen all that matters to the popular girl.] Finn arrives for her, and as she descends the stairs looking every bit the Teen Dream Prom Queen, Finn breathlessly exclaims that she’s the prettiest girl he’s ever seen. Aww. Also, [DRINK- Prettiest Girl Ever comment.] He puts her corsage on, and she notes that it’s perfect and matches her eyes, just what Rachel had told Finn.
At the all-you-can-eat buffet (they polish the sneeze-guard twice a week!) Rachel and Jesse both comment on how fierce Mercedes looks in her thrift store gown that fits perfectly, has no visible stains, and is fairly modern. And cost five dollars. After some awkward, “So you’re poor now?” talk from Jesse to Sam, he tells the group that the best time to start a business is in a recession, and he’s going to start a Sparky Polastri business where he tears down regional show choirs to build them back up into singing machines of spirit fingers and cancer-curing smiles.
Finn and Quinn are there for the Never-Ending Stromboli and say hello to the group. Finn asks if Jesse made sure to get some “scrambled eggs” (is this meant to be a sick burn?) and they start snapping at each other. Mercedes sends them on their way with a smile, because this is her night, okay? And y’all are not gonna ruin it for her.
The first song of the night is sung by Puck, Artie and Sam, and it’s “Friday” by the most-hated teen in America (poor thing.) And…they make it work. Oh, it’s still a stupid song, but it’s at least dance-able. The whole crowd is loving it and whooping out “yeah!” when asked, and Santana and Karofsky have the grooviest little punch-bowl dance ever. (Some girl walks by looking so-so and Santana incorporates a “no no no!” head shake into her dance. I love her.) Brittany yells from the dance floor, “Best prom ever!”
Rachel has slow-song duties and performs “Jar of Hearts,” by Christina Perri of So You Think You Can Dance? kinda-fame. It’s a great song, she’s wonderful (of course) and she sings it right to Finn, “Who do you think you are?” He can’t help but stare the entire time, blown away by her talent. And please note that Quinn sees all of this.
Kurt comments to Blaine (by the punch bowl) that he’s amazed at how inclusive the prom is turning out to be, and the camera cuts to Becky on a date, too. I love Becky, and I love that they remembered to bring her to prom. All of the hearts, guys, all of the hearts.
Sam tells Mercedes that she looks beautiful tonight, and then asks her to dance. Sam Evans, you really are a charming guy. She’s flustered but excited and takes his hand as he leads her to the floor. [DRINK – surprise dance offer that leads to love] The song ends (without Blaine and Kurt dancing, so much for inclusive) and Quinn tells Finn that being there with him is all she’s ever wanted. She hands him a suicide pill for after they win King and Queen, because nothing can top this. Nothing. He’s a little nervous about that.
Puck signals Artie that Operation Gin-n-Juice is a go. Puck shimmies all around Sue but there’s no music. She turns just as Artie is pouring something from a flask into the punch bowl. [DRINK!] Also, A-HA! Caught you red handed. She forces him into her office, darkened but for one exposed light bulb and pulls out a set of wicked-looking tools.
“I’m not going to pull your teeth out, that would put me in jail. I’s just going to give you a dental cleaning, which anyone can tell you is excruciatingly painful.”
“What? No it’s not, who is your dentist?”
“Sue. DDS.” She wants him to admit that Puck put him up to this, but he won’t. He just wants to win Brittany back and be cool. Worst. P.O.W. Ever.
Blaine’s up next singing “I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You,” and he’s so charming you guys, I can’t even. He’s a great pop performer, Tina and Brittany sound fab on backup, and it’s a fun, peppy number. Kurt is obviously filled with “that’s my boyfriend up on stage!” joy, but Finn can’t seem to stop watching Jesse flirt with Rachel. Uh oh.
He gets up in Jesse’s grill and they have a shove-fest. [DRINK – prom fight!] Becky cuts into Sue’s office, “CODE BLUE!” and just as Sue gets on the floor, Finn lands a punch on Jesse’s face. Sue manhandles them both out, prom is over for them. Quinn is beyond upset, what about Prom King?
We cut to Principal Figgins, ready to announce the winner of Prom Queen as some Miss Universe contestant stands behind him wearing a proper tiara, but holding a weird gold one on a pillow. For prom King, Dave Karofsky! The crowd applauds, and the football team cheers loudly. For Prom Queen, with an extraordinary amount of write-in votes…. Figgins looks very upset about something.
Oh. The room is dead silent. One person shouts “Whoo hoo!” Another person tries to clap. People begin turning and looking at him, their faces either neutral or angry. Kurt runs for the exit, and as Blaine races after him, calling his name, Brittany claps her hands to her mouth, upset for her friend.
Kurt is beside himself in the hallway. Blaine catches up to him, wanting to know what Kurt wants to do. Kurt just feels stupid, all of that “no one cares anymore” stuff was a joke, they just wanted to be nasty anonymously instead. No progress was made, they’re all still a bunch of hateful gaycists.
In the girl’s bathroom, Rachel tries to explain to Quinn that she had nothing to do with this, and Quinn answers with “Hey, what did 5 fingers say to the face? SLAP!” Whoa, girlfriend, it’s a plastic ass tiara. [DRINK – Girl Fight!] She’s immediately shocked with herself and apologizes for hitting her.
In the hall Santana cries, saying “I mean, just because I hate everybody doesn’t mean they have to hate me, too!” She’s so tired of being an outsider her whole life. [DRINK – Popular/Mean girl cries at prom.] Kurt refuses to go back in there. Quinn talks about transferring, as does Santana, who takes it a step further. She’ll move to NYC and join a lesbian commune, so there.
Back in the halls, Blaine is sitting on the floor. “We can go. You don’t have to go back in there.”
Kurt tells him that this was supposed to be their redemption so that Blaine could get rid of that lump in his throat, and if they leave now, Kurt will end up with one, too. He straightens his shoulders and says he’s going back in there to show the crowd that they can’t touch him, they can’t ruin what he and Blaine have, and he’s going to show them, they’ll see. THEY’LL ALL SEE! [DRINK – Prom solves social crisis.]
Quinn and Rachel rehash the “you’re pretty” “no, you’re the pretty one” argument but Quinn wasn’t kidding about the “I have nothing else to live for because I’m not a great singer” thing. Meanwhile, Santana assumes everyone knows she’s a lesbian, and that’s why they didn’t vote for her. Well, Brit voted for her and she tells Santana that she just needs to be honest and who she really is.
Blaine stands, dusts his pants, and offers a hand to Kurt. The crowd has evidently stood silent this whole time, waiting for something to happen. They part as Kurt takes the stage, his chin up. Figgins reluctantly puts the crown on his head, making sure Kurt’s okay with it first. Kurt turns to the crowd and says, “Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton.”
And the crowd cheers. [DRINK – winning Prom Queen solves world problems.] The music plays for the “traditional King and Queen slow dance” [DRINK] but Karofsky is all, “Uh, what part of ‘I’m not coming out at this school’ didn’t you understand?” and races off. Kurt’s left there standing alone until his charming, perfect boyfriend clears his throat.
“Excuse me? Can I have this dance?”
And Kurt replies, “You can, but you may not. Learn your grammar, son!”
Kidding. ALL OF THE HEARTS. Also, [DRINK – no dance partner saved by Dapper Hero.] They have a cute dance to “Dancing Queen” by ABBA, of all things, [DRINK] sung by Mercedes and Santana. [DRINK]
Everyone gets on the floor to shake their tail feathers, have fun, and get goofy prom pictures taken and the world is a better place for at least one night.
Next Episode: FUNERAL. Fun time over. :(