Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2.3 – Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows

If this doesn't convince you to not inject crap in your lips, then nothing will. Also, this is your Juvaderm on drunk.

The group is still in Colorado at Camille’s house, and it’s time to start readying for dinner. Miss Lisa Vanderfabulous applies her makeup, commenting on how Taylor, who hasn’t eaten anything and is skeletal, is sitting in a super hot jacuzzi after drinking a bottle of wine. No, that’s not going to be a problem. 

A chef and their team have shown up to get the dinner on, including a wait staff who will set up the china – made from actual Chinese, I think they said. I assume Camille is in her wing rubbing her naked body with the fat of baby seals to keep herself supple while laying on a fur throw made from endangered snow leopards

Kim, who was taking a nap, gets woken up by Drunk Taylor. Taylor rambles and cries and mumbles and laughs and is that drunk girl. Kim is actually not shaking with fear that she’s not doing things right and gives some solid advice. “Everyone has problems, we all have something that pains us, but you need to focus on the positive.”

Kyle leans out of the bathroom, mid lotion on her face, and double checks that her sister is the one who just said that. Taylor smiles then starts sobbing, wanting Kim’s forgiveness. Kim is able to turn it around into a joke (wow, what’s going on?!) and gets Taylor laughing. “Whew, this night might be saved!”you might be thinking. Oh, bless your naïve heart.

Most everyone is dressed now, finishing their hair (which means Adrienne is up in the attic digging out more holiday tinsel to jam in hers) when Taylor plays “hide and seek” with Kim. Ha ha, what a good time we’re hav- oh, shit, why are you in the closet in Kyle’s suitcase? With a pancho slung over your head? While you sob?

Good god, fun night with Duck Lips McDrunkerson here. Kim whips the pancho off her head and she sits there sticking her silicone’d lips out as far as they’ll go (it’s impressive) and cries in a baby’s voice, “I wanna go home!” Kim shakes herself and grabs Taylor, “Uh, let’s get you out and get you dressed.”

Guys. Kim is the voice of calm reason tonight. KIM. Kyle says this Taylor sitch is all because of the alcohol, plus the altitude, plus the hot tub. Yes. And then multiply that by a factor of bat shit and you get a closer approximation to what’s going on with Taylor.

Adrienne, in the adjoining bathroom, pauses with her lipstick hovering near her mouth, trying to hear what’s going on. She finally decides to check it out for herself and we see Lisa holding Taylor by the forearms using her best soothing-mum voice, “What’s going on, what’s going on?” as Taylor (dressed at least) stands weakly, sobbing.

“My makeup’s gone!” So now Drunk Taylor has decided to go from sobbing drunk girl to angry drunk girl, believing someone stole her god damned makeup bag. Kim finds Kyle, finds the bag, brings it back to her, and Taylor insists she didn’t blah blah blah, she’s jacked up, guys, and everyone is uncomfortable and meanwhile, Camille has hired people to serve them a fabulous dinner and they’re all playing Pin the Sober on Drunky.

Kim once again is able to get through the fog (oh, I see now. Kim knows first hand the other side of this coin. Good lord, ladies, there is help available, and you all can afford it!) by telling Taylor to pick herself up by the bootstraps. Adrienne whispers to everyone else, “I think she’s having a nervous breakdown.”

I love that Bravo TV plays some super intense guitar music. Guys, this is serious! This is a drunk, sad woman on the verge! Verge of what? Crying more! [Guitar riff of bad omens!]

Lisa tells Camille what’s been going on. Seriously? Camille didn’t give herself a 24 karat gold enema for this, people. Everyone filters into the kitchen where there are some little nibbles being passed around, but Taylor says, “I never eat.” Okay, Patsy Stone. Speaking of, Kyle says, “Coke?” and before Taylor can start rubbing her upper lip, a glass of coca cola is brought to her.

Taylor’s eyes are bugged out and looking in random directions. Dr. Adrienne whispers to her, “You’re having a nervous breakdown.” Taylor sways in her seat, “Mmm.” Adrienne presses, “You are, I can see it. Come on, pull it together, seriously.” Taylor grabs a glass of wine, Adrienne takes it from her and tells her to drink some water.

Taylor goes to sit at the dining table (I love Camille’s chairs) and starts sobbing to Camille, how she’s sorry (Camille: “No, no, stop. STOP.”) and that “Honestly, I think it was being in Mason’s room that did it. Just recognizing what he did to you!”

Camille: “Uh…”

“And feeling that it could happen to my own child!” What the hell are you even saying, Taylor?

Lisa, who is my one true love, says in a voice over that Taylor has always struck her as such a victim, she always dissolves in tears every time she sees her. Mm hmm. Kim tries to boost Taylor for the fourth time, but her little words of “hey, let’s just eat and not be focused on Drama Mama all night, whaddya say, gang?” is overrode by Lisa, who doesn’t know about the closet and all the other stuff. Lisa doesn’t want Taylor to be given “band-aids.”

LISA. Stop. I say this with love. Someone needs to inject Taylor with sleepy juice and let her ride out the .25 blood alcohol level, okay? That’s what’s needed tonight. Oh, and the Chef is standing there this whole time, waiting to tell them about the damn soup. Which, by the way, looks delicious.

Back in the Hills, Paul, Ken, and Mauricio go out for drinks, which I think is lovely. They’ve gotten an email from Russell saying he won’t be there. Mm. I wonder if we’ll see him at all, or if he’s been completely edited out? They’re smoking illegal Cuban cigars (which Mauricio hates. Dude, that’s a few hundred in your mouth, you shouldn’t have taken it, bub!) and drinking scotch and being manly men.

Paul sums up the bad dinner with the whole “therapy is weak salt, blah blah” thing, and Ken defends himself and apologizes. No small fete. He explains that he’s an old British guy with old British attitudes towards certain things, but he means for himself. (I don’t see why this is hard to understand.) He did say that he felt bad for hurting Taylor’s feelings as he quite likes her. Ken’s good people, even if he looks like a rough, older Simon Cowell.

Back in Colorado, table talk has gotten dark. Way to ruin dinner, Sippy VonBooze for Blood. Doesn’t Taylor know that you never discuss cheating husbands over sorbet? That’s for coffee and after dinner mints. Adrienne tries to get Taylor to admit on camera that her husband knocks her around, which is also fun for everyone at dinner, I’m sure.

She says in a voice over that everyone in Beverly Hills knows that Russell “treats her poorly.” Lisa doesn’t go for any of this dancing around, however, and she comes right out with it. “Has someone raised a hand to you? And if so, how long would you stay there?” Kyle squirms in her seat, because they’re about to have the fish course, and this is not the time for wife beating. That’s for the filet mignon.

Taylor cries about how if she was strong enough, she’d leave “for the safety of my daughter.” Everyone goes still and looks at her, but Taylor keeps on crying and saying random shit. Lisa says, “Don’t you believe you deserve better?”

“I don’t.”

“Well, that’s the problem then, isn’t it?” Lisa? You are my favorite. Also, this is just a hot mess. Adrienne asks her if she’s really in love with him, or just afraid to be alone. SILENCE. Kyle says “Wow, this is one fun, laughable dinner!”

After the plates are cleared, Camille hugs them all and locks herself in her quarters to bathe in the blood of virgin polar bears – it’s wonderful for drawing out stress toxins from the skin. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.

They fly back the next day, and Camille goes back to her fabulous Malibu mansion and meets up with hired best friend D.D. D.D. makes sure to ooh and ahh the property the appropriate contractual amount, and then says, “This would be hard to give up, for me.” Yeah, because you would never have something like this, you Single White Female. I’m just saying, I expect D.D. to show up with blonde hair and riding boots any day now.

Camille simpers, “It’s not that I can’t afford it, it’s just me and kids. But I’m not ready to give this up yet, it would be too traumatic for the children to have more change.” I agree with her on that one. Then D.D. really jeopardizes her year-end bonus by saying, “Yeah, like, if you took away all the houses and lifestyle you had?” ALL the houses. ALL. Who actually says things like this? Oh, how hard would your life be if ALL OF YOUR MANSIONS were sold so you could roll in millions of dollars? But you’d be homeless, oh my gosh. D.D. is a bizarre one.

Kyle and hot, sexy Latin husband Mauricio go to a Mexican place for dinner, with him speaking to everyone in Spanish. He is delicious. She finally tells him more about the whole Colorado debacle but then makes it about how awesome Kim was, and how proud she was of her sister for being so grown up. Oh, that’s nice!

Mauricio is glad for Kim, but guarded. After all, she did accuse him of stealing her house last season, and other hurtful things. It’s going to take a lot to repair their relationship, but he does seem like the kind of person that doesn’t wish ill on anyone. He’s just the “fool me once, fool me twice” type.

Lisa and Ken meet with their business partner to discuss buying an adjoining property to one of her restaurants. She tries to persuade Ken with all of her ideas, and they really are savvy, those two. He’s not sure it’s the right idea, as the restaurant has a small, sexy feel to it, and expanding might take that away.

Lisa laughs that Ken just wants to retire completely and live in Montecito (me, too!) but “We’ve got bills to pay, get to work, you lazy ass! Ha ha.” Ken says no for now, but Lisa says she might have to pull out her bi-annual treat (birthdays and Christmas) to change his mind. She’ll “take one for the team.” Ahaha. How is it possible to not love Lisa Vanderpump? HOW?

Adrienne and Paul are preparing to fly up to Sacramento to see the Kings’ last basketball game of the season. Adrienne’s family owns the team, they’re trying to get a state of the art stadium, but it’s not working. There’s serious talk about moving the team to a stadium outside of Sacramento to get that, and it’s not going over well with local fans.

Paul talks on the phone to the team’s VP who strongly cautions them to not come to the game, there’s real fear that things can get violent, and if people see Adrienne up in her box seat, it will get ugly fast. Paul takes this seriously, talks to Adrienne’s body guard who also takes this seriously, and then tells his wife that they either shouldn’t go, or move their box so people don’t know where they are.

She’s pissed, because this is her business and she doesn’t believe her husband that it’s as serious as he’s saying. She can be pretty pig-headed, this one. She thinks Paul is over stepping his place, and by god, she’s going to the game, who’s going to do anything to her? Um. She wants to face crowds head on, Paul thinks it’s a terrible idea, but he loses this round. They go.

Taylor has a Life Coach over. I don’t know how successful this life coach is, guys. She’s helping Taylor learn how to “find her voice.” I wonder if she’s teaching her how to “live in the now,” how “if it is to be it is up to me,” and other lame-ass self help mantras. Hint: I don’t think it’s working.

Taylor explains about the Colorado trip and how she was just “confused” because she made the mistake of talking about her problems to her friends. Her life coach says it sounds like Taylor was taking on everyone’s issues and energy and no, that’s not what happened, Miss Life Coach. She got shit faced, she was light headed, and she had a freak out, but no one listens to me.

Her life coach assures her that she’s “doing amazing.” Seriously, someone check this broad’s credentials. Alison DuBois would be better than this.

Medium/Life Coach Alison Dubois


“You will never be happy because you clearly hate yourself. Your self-loathing is in direct proportion to the size of your lip injections.”

[puff on electronic cigarette]


Adrienne and Paul are in the limo heading to their private jet, and we learn that Kim is supposed to meet them there. And she’s not there. They call her on the phone, and Kim can’t understand who’s calling, she doesn’t have time for this, blah blah, and Paul sternly says, “KIM. It’s PAUL and ADRIENNE.”

“Oh! Cry cry, I’m sorry I’m late, cry I just feel so hiccup and horrible that I’m running mumble stammer wet hair and I love the planes there wheee! Pretty jets and ten minutes sloshy slur I’ll be with the something bye. Bye. Buh-bye.”

Paul’s eyes are about to bug out. Adrienne says, “She’s been sick…”

“Adrienne. She sounds INTOXICATED.”

“Oh, don’t say that.”

They’ve rented this jet, and now they’re supposed to wait for over an hour for Kim to make it to the airport? Paul doesn’t think so. They pile out of the limo and head to the jet.


NEXT WEEK: New housewife! Adrienne is attacked at the game! Drama leaks to the press!