Jersey Shore 4.8 – Where’s My Boyfriend?

Vinny's beard talks Snooki off the ledge.

This episode was short on content, but long on drunken drama. And I want to state publicly my sorrow for the crew and editors that have to pixelate…things. Bless your hearts. Also, Jenni and Vinny are totally the mom and dad of this whacked out family. 

We left off with Snooki getting arrested for rear-ending a cop car, the guys were racing from the house to bring her drier’s license (who doesn’t know to keep that with you? I mean, honestly, you’re in another country and you don’t think to keep your license on you? ‘S the matta witchu?)

The guys fight traffic the whole way and don’t get there in enough time to stop the inevitable: the cops take Nicole and Deena to the clink. The guys finally show up as the car is getting towed, and Vinny uses his Italian to figure out where the girls are.

They have to wait two hours at the station until the girls are released. No jail time, no charges are being pressed, Nicole will just have to pay a hefty fine. Let’s take a minute to sing the praises of these guys who have to continually clean up messes for the Meatballs, and do so without complaint. Well, without a lot of complaining.

Snooki has lost her license, but she doesn’t want to drive in Italy anymore, so it’s all good, it seems. Why none of the other kids learned how to drive a stick-shift before heading over is beyond me. Deena wants to get a drink to settle her nerves, but Snooki only wants to curl up in a ball and calm the hell down. They get back home, Sam is filled in, shows the proper amount of horror, and Snooki calls her boyfriend to tell him what’s happened.

His first question is “Were you drunk?” Valid question. And no, she wasn’t, they did a Breathalyzer, o.o%. Second question, “Are you okay?” Yes, and this should tell you a lot about how Jionni sees his girlfriend. I mean, it’s valid, we’ve been watching for four seasons now. Jionni let’s Nicole know that he just got a text from Jenni’s boyfriend, Roger. The two guys were coming to Italy together, but now iot seems Roger can’t get off of work. Uh oh. They exchange “I love you’s” and hang up.

Snooki tells Jenni what’s happening, and Jenni immediately bursts into tears. Poor thing, she just wants her boyfriend, she’s surrounded by craziness and Roger is a calm tattooed brick wall of a port in the storm. I should get a medal for all the prepositions in that sentence. She calls him, and can’t control her crying. He just can’t leave work on short notice, there’s nothing to be done about it.

Snooki hugs and kisses Jenni when she gets off the phone, and Deena decides they all need to go out and have a good time, take her mind off of things. Sammi tells everyone how this is just like her and Ron and no one listens to her. Snooks stays behind while the guys head out to a club of their own.

Everyone’s having fun, it seems, when the doorbell starts ringing incessantly back at the flat. Snooki looks over the balcony and sees that it’s drunk skank Brittany, or stalking Mike fame. She’s screaming on the street, demanding to be let in. Nicole gets an actual idea for an actual prank and lets her in. She drags Brit into the confessional and asks her all sorts of questions about Mike, making fun of her behind her back, and then leads her into the hallway to wait.

The girls come back from the club (they’re total “WHOO!” girls, and I wonder for the umpeenth time how irritated the neighbors must be by the circus that is the Jersey Shore house.) Snooki shows them Brittany, they all laugh and marvel at how clever this was for Snooki, and they get her in Mike’s bed, with promises that he’s on his way back. Brittany passes out and Nicole covers her up with his dirty, cheese-smelling duvet.

Funny thing, Mike is on his way back, and he has a girl with him. They all pulled at the club (minus Raaaaahn) and Mike immediately takes his girl back to his room, because he’s classy and subtle like that. They see a foot hanging off his bed, and Mike uses a really weird voice, and it took me a bit to realize he’s trying to talk with an accent. He just sounds like he has a bubble in his throat and someone handed him a list of words he doesn’t know how to pronounce.

Brittany starts taking off her shirt while the new girl looks on in horror. Snooki congratulates herself on screwing with Mike, but Mike just sends the new girl off (he can’t tell if she’s “DTF” or not) and keeps the drunk skank who doesn’t mind that his sheets smell of spoiled pepperoni and Parmesan. Sorry your prank backfired, Snooki, but this is Mike. He’ll bang a hole in a piece of Swiss cheese if that’s presented to him.

The next day has Snooki freaking out because Jionni is coming. She tries on every outfit she has until she settles on a blue shirt with a belt, apparently meant to be a dress. Jenni offers her help in the best way a friend can by telling Snooki to bend over, spread ’em, because she’s going in. She sprays Snooki’s crotch with Lysol and Raid, a special Guido combo that comes in a tint of “mocha” to help even skin tones as it destroys fungi, 99.6% of all viruses, and leaves things with an April-fresh pizzeria scent.

A burnt-orange midget shows up at the door, it’s Jionni! Seriously, the guy is built like a hobbit door with a head and feet. Snooki starts crying and flings herself into his arms. Aw, that’s love, folks. She takes him straight to the screw room, but he’s a gentleman and insists on showering first. He packed a can of Axe body spray, “New Car” scent, and wants to try it out.

She spends a few moments airing out the sheets and spraying Febreeze to kill the cheese smell from all the times Mike has been in there. I think this is a moment when bleach is called for, you know?

Uncle Nino says:


“Most STDs die when they’s out in the open. But you’s gotta think about stuff like Hepatitis B and Scabies – if them sheets is dirty, don’t do the nasty. Take it from me, and nevah trust the words of a Bronx hoo-ah. ”


He comes out of the shower with that new leather smell and they head off to bang like gavels. Meanwhile, Mike is growing more and more paranoid, assuming that he’s going to have to fight Jionni for being a douchebag. Oh, don’t worry, Mike, just beat yourself up like last time.

It turns out that Mike has been taking karate, so he’s all Bruce Lee-wannabe with the kicking and jumping around like he’s got skills. It’s more Star Wars kid than Chuck Norris, let’s just be honest.

They all get going for a night of clubbing, and Snooki puts on the ugliest damn dress I’ve seen yet. It’s this pink leopard affair with a bra hook in the back, and Raaaahn sums it up: “It looks like a swimsuit. It barely covers her cuca.” Nice. Classy and nice. Also, she must be wearing some white spanx, because you can see big ol’ granny panty looking things up over the waist line.

The club is rocking, and Snooki goes straight for the bar. Jionni immediately gets on to her for her dress being too short, so there you go, there’s your foreshadowing. Mike continues to tell everyone that he’s not afraid to fight Jionni, because there’s gonna be a fight with Jionni. Mike? Shut the hell up.

Jionni and Snooks hang all over each other and he tells her how much he loves her, how happy she makes him. She tells the camera in a pre-recorded session that she loves him so much, they’re gonna get married, and she can’t wait to spit out brown leather balls of human flesh for them to call their own. But you know, she’ll get a C-section so she doesn’t screw her vag up. (Too late, I’m guessing. Also, enough with this shit, having a baby doesn’t screw up your vagina, normally. It was MADE for that.)

They’re all over each other and Mike watches closely like the creeper he is. Sammi decides things are going to nicely, so she sidles up to the happy couple and tells them to keep their eyes peeled on Mike, because he wants to start something. WHY. Why, Sam? Just shut up and straighten your hair and make “that’s disgusting” faces. Also, I think Mike is a coke head, because the guy is seriously paranoid and bouncing out of his skin.

They head to a new club to dance and here is where trouble begins. Snooki, even drunker, starts dancing nasty on the floor, showing her “Turnpike” to anyone that has eyes. She actually pulls her skirt up to her armpits, spreads her legs while sitting on her side, and tries to be sexy for her boyfriend. In a public space. Oh, the massive pixelation needed here, gah. Twat was that? I cunt hair you.

He’s grossed out – everyone in the club is seeing this. He tells her she’s dancing like a whore, and to stop. She tries to be sexy in his ear and that’s enough. He throws her coat at her and storms off. It takes her a few minutes to process everything, because she’s that drunk. (PRO TIP: STOP DRINKING THIS MUCH.)

Jenni chases after him, because she’s a good friend like that. Snooki stumbles around on her heels, shouting, “Where’d he go?” She is beyond shit-faced and on a holy transcendent level of drunk by this point. Ron takes over the chasing after Jionni duties while Jenni tries to help Nicole. Nicole isn’t having it, though and shouts at Jenni, “NOBODY TALK TO ME!!”

I mean, she is shrieking. Then she asks Jenni why he’s leaving, and Jenni tells it straight: because you’re being disgusting and a whore, so stop it. Snooki doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong, she’s drunk and mad and sad and screaming and this goes on for a long time.

Jenni realizes quickly that she can’t get through here, so she takes off in 5” heels on the cobbled streets of Florence, shouting after Jionni to come back. Snooki remains outside the club shrieking and sobbing and I’m sure everyone is having a fabulous time out. She’s so disgustingly drunk.

Ron chases after Jionni for a while and finally gets him to talk. He tells Jionni that he knew who she was before they dated, come on, bro. Bro? Jionni replies that he knows, bro, he knows, so he’s walking away. Raaaaahn tells the camera that on one hand, that’s weak because she picked him up at Seaside (Aka Scabies Shore) but on the other, damn, she’s being nasty.

Deena is able to get Snooki under control and back to the house, even though Snooki just sobs and sobs, wondering where Jionni is and if he’s coming back. Mike steps in and tries to be supportive as Pauly leans against the front of the house, totally over this. This isn’t a fun show. Vinny is able to get her to stop screaming and it’s totally the beard. Vin? You were right, the beard makes you more mature. He calms her down enough to go inside and get in bed, to wait.

She’s just a mess. Her makeup is everywhere but on her face, she looks sweaty and dirty and oily and drunk, and ladies: do not drink this much. DO NOT DRINK THIS MUCH! When you can’t feel your face, you need to stop.

Meanwhile, Jenni recreates the opening 10 minutes of Eraserhead, but with more screaming and hair extensions. She walks all over the whole damn city (it felt like real time, right?) calling for Jionni, stumbling in her heels, then finally kicking them off to keep from breaking her ankle. She gives up after who knows how long and stumbles into the living room with bleeding feet. She and Pauly catch each other up, which involves a lot of “I don’t know, she’s drunk.”

Vinny tells the camera, “Jionni knew what he was getting into, he should be more secure That’s know way to handle ya problems, my dude.” He’s right. But also, come on, WEAR PANTIES at least. Gross.

One silver lining during all of this: Sammi sees all of this relationship drama and sees herself in it and apologizes to everyone for having done this to them. I just… Sam? Wow, that’s some serious growth for you. Vinny makes Pauly cook everyone some burgers while they sit up and wait for Jionni to turn up. (Vinny pointed out that all of his stuff was there at the house, so he can’t actually leave without it.)

Jionni turns up, doesn’t really speak to anyone, and goes to get his things. Snooki pops out of bed and chases after him, wanting to know what’s going on. He tells her, she doesn’t believe she did it (black out drunk = not a fun time for anyone, get this through your heads, folks) and she starts yelling at him for being so mean. She hates him. She loves him. She doesn’t understand.

He says he’s done, he’s leaving, he doesn’t need a girl in his life that acts like she does (I can see his point) and that she’s single. She runs to her room to cry some more as he grabs his suitcase and heads out. He gets in a cab and before she can stop him, he leaves.

She cries in a voice over to the camera that she’s a good girlfriend and doesn’t deserve this, she just loves him. Sam blows me away again by apologizing to the whole group for causing this level of drama, because this is just like her and Raaaahn. Well, not really, but baby steps.

All of the roommates think he’s being a douche monkey, he knew who she was and traveled for 21 hours just to leave after six? Mike thinks he’s a dick face. Snooki, sobbing, says that she just gets “crazy when I drink, that’s all.” Then maybe you should focus on your drinking? Also, Jionni is a dick weasel. And his face is greasy with tanner and this whole situation is FUBAR.


NEXT WEEK: Jenni berates Guido Midget for her girl, Mike tries to pitch some woo, and Snooki climbs in bed with Vinny, her one true love. OH REALLY, NOW?