Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 2.4 – Gossip Girls

Yes, I believe this woman is 100% sober.

Totally Sober Kim, Totally Stressed Kyle, and Totally Eating Taylor are all in attendance in this episode, plus we’re introduced to Totally Ready To Fight Brandi Glanville, of “my husband left me for squinty-eyed Skeletor, Leann Rimes” fame.

We last left off with Adrienne and Paul in their jet waiting for Kim to become lucid enough to show up at the airport where there are “pretty planes and I mumble mumble slur.” If she doesn’t get there soon, they’ll leave. Adrienne’s basketball team, the Sacramento Kings, are playing their last game in the current stadium. Adrienne is really focused on this, because hey, she could be murdered by crazed fans, or something.

But no, they have to hang out and wait for Kim who’s “like…fifteeens minutes away slushy mumble something” and who is putting on make up in the car and WHO CARES, GET THERE, LADY. The body guard on the plane behind Adrienne is now thinking of new contingency plans to accommodate Drunky Von Slursalot. Kim shows up, makes a weird “ta da!” move and then starts crying about how she’s sorry, then turns it around to be so happy, shleeble mumble shwee!

Good lord, get it together. Nope, she keeps running her mouth non-stop as they take off and fly as Adrienne tries to cut her off to say “Hey, this could be scary. We kinda need all hands on deck, mm’kay? FOCUS, LADY.” Nope, Kim’s all about flipping her hair and making fun of Lisa’s awesome ski outfit (ladies: drop it, she’s awesome. I will hear nothing bad about my Vanderfabulous!) and sipping from her personal water bottle. Fun times for everyone, I’m sure.

Meanwhile, Kyle is living my dream life with her Lady Sitter, Justin. Justin is a handsome, smiling, adorable and smart gay man that apparently keeps her life in check. Is there a store on Rodeo that offers this? How can I get a lady sitter? Lord knows I need one. Anyhoo, Kyle and Justin are working behind the scenes for a charity cocktail party thingy that Kyle’s having.

He’s also setting up her home office, keeping things running smoothly with the move in, and looking gorgeous while doing so. SERIOUSLY. I WANT A LADY SITTER. He pushes her to call her rich friends and get donations for the silent auction, and Lisa’s the first up. Kyle feels a little embarrassed, but Lisa wants to do more than Kyle asks for, which is why she is Lisa Vanderfabulous. Things are looking good for Kids with Cancer/Lollipop Theater/Whatever Charity This Is.

Adrienne and Paul have landed in Sacramento, Kim is still flying high (ahem) and a stretch SUV picks them up. (Those are so tacky, can we just say that?) They drive to the game and see signs all over town begging for the Kings to stay in Sacramento. Adrienne cries a little, because she really does care about fans, the 1000s of employees at the stadium, and her financial stake in this. Paul is super sweet to her, rubbing her ankles and trying to be supportive. Finally, they’re no longer the Bickersons. It just took Tipsy McBlabberpuke to bring them to a place of love.

Lisa and Ken meet with their SUR business partners, a cute couple with two little girls. Lisa wants to make sure they know that when they expand (yeah, she overrode Ken’s no. Or she gave him his two pumps, a groan and a smoke early) it will be the couple that works crazy hours, not Lisa. Are they sure about this? I assume that Lisa’s the money, they’re the execution, and she wants to make certain that if she comes in for dinner and then goes home, there aren’t any sore feelings.

They assure her that they’re in for the long haul, they’ve got the girls covered, and let’s do this, yay! The girls run for hugs from “Princess Lisa” and ask if they can come visit her in her castle (hahaha, it totally is, please) and she hugs and kisses them, and makes a grossed out face when she realizes that one of the little girls had a sticky nose. Gag. Ken is wandering around somewhere mumbling about 60s Brit Pop, I’m sure.

Taylor visits Kyle at her house (Lady Sitter is nowhere to be found, he’s probably Superman’ing in the air, finding donations for the charity event,) Taylor has a Very Big Problem, and there are so many red lights dinging during this conversation, I just can’t even, guys.

  1. She says that she and Russell decided that “I should not be talking to my friends about my marriage.” Um, excuse me? This is a BIG WARNING, ladies, when a man says you shouldn’t share things with outsiders.
  2. There was an article leaked to the press about her not eating and Russell is “furious” about it.
  3. She knows it was no one in her “staff” because they’ve all signed confidentiality agreements. In fact, everyone in her life has signed one. WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MANY SECRETS. This is not healthy.

Kyle laughs about the confidentiality agreements, until she realizes Taylor is serious. She tells us that she doesn’t have “staff” and her housekeeper hasn’t signed any damn papers, come on. Justin is her FRIEND, not staff. I’m totally obsessed with Justin, guys, I want one. I’m going to have to drag my friend Thom up from his city and make him quit his job so he can be my lady sitter and we can go shopping and laugh at stupid things and go dancing and flirt, but not be serious because his husband is my husband’s friend and it’s just silly fun times. PIPE DREAMS.

Sorry, we were taking about Juvederm Face and her troubles. So she knows Adrienne wouldn’t do this, Kim has no friends, Kyle wouldn’t blab, so obviously it’s Lisa. And Lisa has all sorts of connections with the media. Hmm, I don’t think Lisa would “leak” information, but whatever. I can see Kim running her mouth when drunk (translation: on Tuesday.) but Lisa? Why do they want us to think she’s a bad guy? Straightforward isn’t a bad trait. Well, not always.

Back in Sacramento, Adrienne makes her way to her box seat while people cat call and yell and plead, and she’s shaken, but she’s Adrienne Maloof, she’s one tough lady. She keeps her game face on while some woman calls her a “traitor.” Damn.

The game starts, and Paul is into it, and Adrienne is trying to focus but Kim will not shut up. Paul keeps trying to shut her up. “Hey, let’s watch the game.” “Enough of that, let’s watch.” Etc. Nothing doing, Kim has hair to flip and stories to recount, and she thinks she’s way funnier than she actually is and Adrienne tries to offer polite laughter while watching the game when Adrienne realizes she can get out of this!

“Can we go watch the game on the floor? Maybe from the tunnel?” They get security together and make their way to the team tunnel to watch, and the fans there are less hostile to her, some get her autograph and take pictures, and she feels much better about the experience. Kim keep talking, but it’s harder since they’re not sitting in a glass room.

Guys? Kim is just weird. Like, lacking in social know-how and is so clearly on something, it’s just… unsettling. Paul tells the camera that watching the game with his wife was great. With his wife. Ahem.

Camille and Friend-For-Hire DD head to a surf shop for paddle boards and wet suits for Camille’s upcoming trip with her children to Hawaii. That’s what this lady does, she takes vacations with her kids, or plans for vacations with her kids. Not a bad life, if you can get it. So be careful, Camille, because DD is thinking of ways to push you right on out and take over because she is really really jealous of all that you have. You can see her taking on Camille affectations as she stands with her, trying to mimic her rich friend who has all she could ever want. I have a fear that DD’s going to get all Hand That Rocks The Cradle on us, trying to nurse one of Camille’s kids. SHE IS CREEPY. Why does Camille have such creepy friends? Can’t she afford better?

Kyle is slowly going bananas at her house, calling her kids the dogs’ names and the dogs the kids’ names. For the record, she has adorable dogs. And kids. Her friend is there helping her get things sorted for the silent auction and reminds Kyle that Brazilian Blow Outs are now illegal. What?! Oh, right, they have formaldehyde in them. The more you know, rainbow, thanks Bravo!

Lisa is at her other restaurant, Villa Blanca, working with her new Rentboy, Steven. Well, Steven isn’t living at her house like Cedric, so he’s just a straight up worker, running the business for her, and doing it while looking gorgeous. She pumps him for information and works him hard, and he takes it, takes it all and smiles while doing so. She can sure pick them, huh?

She talks to the camera about Cedric, briefly, about how hurt she still is, but she knows nothing about his whereabouts, etc. She does say that she misses that relationship, even though she’s wiser now. She also knows that “he’ll go a long way to find another idiot like me.” Poor Lisa, she loved that kooky boy toy.

Kyle sets up her venue and is a basket-case about it, worried no one will come, it’ll suck, wah. Mauricio, super husband with the tightest buns around, reassures her that it will be wonderful, the location is fine with “amazing views” (he is such a real estate agent, oh my god) and is generally supportive. Someone gives her some booze to shut her up, and they continue setting things up. It’s going to be fine.

People start arriving, Lisa and Ken are among the first. Lisa makes a crack about the venue being at the back of a mall (omg ha) but it’s Kyle, she’d go anywhere for her friend. Whatever haters, I love Lisa. She’s hilarious. Other people get there, like the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick and a mini entourage (I love Faye’s dress, I have to say) and Taylor and a group of girls are there, as well.

Lisa asks Taylor how she’s been, then repeats it with “I am being serious” eyes. Taylor is instantly on edge. I kinda don’t blame her, though. But Lisa probably never sees Taylor except for at these events, and she’s making the most of it. She tells Taylor that she’s too thin, she needs to eat, and so on. Taylor immediately sees this as proof that the media leak was from Lisa. Uh oh.

Kyle talks to the crowd as emcee, and fumbles her way through things until Mauricio takes the mic and talks about his being born with cancer, and this means a lot to him, that his wife is working for this charity and that they’re all there. Kyle is choked up with tears running down her face because she and Mauricio are really the cutest couple ever.

They raise a whole $15,000! And the venue cost about 10K, the drinks were another 2K, and just… is it just me? This is weird, right? Hosting an expensive party to raise the amount the party cost? I guess this is how bored rich people live, what do I know. I’m the asshole that does the charity walks and buys the apples for the local marching band’s fund raiser.

Now that the “business” aspect of the night is taken care of, it’s time to party! Lisa tells Taylor’s friends how worried she is about Taylor and tries to get Taylor to talk to her about serious things. Oh, this is so not the time, Lisa, come on.

Taylor is very angry about it (I can’t blame her, unfortunately) and tries to shut it down. Lisa offers her house, in case Taylor needs to get out fast (I do think that more bluntness is needed with Taylor, but maybe not at a party?) Taylor’s affronted by the “I’m not trying to pretend we’re best friends here.” She says thanks, she’s leaving now, buh-bye.

Some tall blonde drink of water on crutches shows up. It’s Brandi Glanville, former Cibrian. She has a cast on her leg and a platform wedge on the other. She’s Adrienne’s friend, and Adrienne invited her because she just went through a nasty divorce (I’d say so) and could use a fun night out. Well, that’s not going to happen.

Kyle and Lisa see her and are immediately on edge. Brandi has been photographed with Cedric, so Lisa is wary about her and her motivations. Taylor is the first to come say hi and make introductions. They chit chat for a long time, and Taylor even goes so far as to invite Brandi and her boys to Taylor’s daughter’s birthday party in a few weeks. Well, that’s nice.

Brandi has a moment with the camera, explaining that she was married to the #1 Douchebag. I can’t focus too much on what she’s saying because her boobs are in some bondage gear and I keep looking to see if there’s a nip slip.

Can’t stop staring at boob cage.

Kyle starts making fun of Brandi being on crutches and still wearing a heel. I agree that it’s not the smartest thing, but lower your voice, Miss Hostess, what would Justin say? Oh, he’d probably say something more cutting and witty, because that’s his job, but still. He’d pretend that you were being bad. (I feel like Justin and I are close by this point.)

Adrienne introduces Brandi to Lisa and Kyle officially, and Lisa immediately gets to what matters, tell me everything you know about Cedric. She doesn’t beat around the bush, huh? Turns out that 15 years ago they were both models and were friends, and ran into each other and are friendly. Seems legit.

The girls start getting really catty when Brandi leaves to sit elsewhere, and Paul assumes it’s because she’s younger, tighter, and prettier. Meow, Paul! Lisa wants nothing to do with Brandi. Except to talk for an hour or so about Cedric, it seems.

Meanwhile, Taylor has been enveloped by the dank, faux-tanned aura of one Elliot Mintz, a well known PR dude and all around creeper. He is so unfortunately over-tanned, I can’t even begin to shake off the heebie jeebies. (NOTE: we have been “threatened” with a lawsuit for daring to post a picture of him–a picture from an event for which he signed a release form to BravoTV–and pointing out that his over-tanning is Oompah Loompah levels. He claims it is “theatrical makeup” except for how a basic google search shows that this is his norm. We have removed his picture because we’re not assholes, but know that we were fully within our rights to use a picture from the public domain under the Fair Right Act, per Columbia Legal Library’s checklist.)

It’s like he’s trying to be a Truman Capote that was born to the high life, not worked his way up into it. He tries to be mysterious and intense and says things like, “Go to the head of the rattlesnake, not the tail,” while holding his wine glass at the base and “supping from his cup.”

I want to burn him; sometimes that’s the only way to cleanse things.

Kyle, Morally Corrupt Faye, and others are getting louder and cattier at their table, all huddled together like they’re in high school, and for Pete’s sake, Brandi can hear you talking about her. That’s rude. She might be a mega-bitch, but that’s not how ladies behave. And please note that Taylor, Miss “Let’s be BFF and come to my parties!” is right in the thick of it.

Please let there be a dinner party coming up with Alison Dubois telling them their fortunes. Please.

Lisa keeps bitching about Cedric, and Brandi says in a voice over, “Get over it. How old is she, like, 60? She shouldn’t be acting that way.” Damn, girl, claws in! She’s 50. But hey, we’ve all done what Lisa’s doing, please. Talk about something from every angle, with everyone that has information so you can piece what happened together? I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do, just that we do that stuff.

Brandi is tired of all of the bitchy behavior (I would be, too) and hints that she can be every bit as bitchy back. Oh, I bet you can be bitchier, I just bet.


NEXT WEEK: Camille talks about how wealthy people actually behave (she’s right,) Brandi tells the girls to not think of her as a slut, and Taylor gets serious about things.