Guys, we’re getting trashed this episode. Just… I need a drink. I would like to make a plea to RIB, the show runners/writers of Glee: you are a bunch of canon-wrecking, ret-conning jerkfaces. Now, because I’m thinking you need to drink, too, let me tell you that today’s recipe will get you wrecked if you actually drink a whole one every time I say “Drink.” So don’t be dumb. You now the drill, get your backup livers lined up and an ambulance on speed dial. Today’s drink is Unicorn Glitter Gun. Yep, it’s a shooter.
Get your Season 3 Bingo Card here! No free space today because I don’t want your death on my conscience.
Mr. Kurt Hummel smooths his brow (his eyebrow pencil talent is perfection) checks his powder, touches up his hairspray, and affixes two little wooden duck pins to his olive green, boiled wool lapel (oh, we’re talking fashion this episode) and I see that he still has his Blaine shrine in his locker, including a picture of the Warblers. Oh, Warblers, I miss your white boy acapella rapping.
As he shuts his locker, he’s confronted with a smiling Brittany. She thinks he’s fabulous, gang, and she loves everything he does. Kurt’s as shocked and pleased as we are at this sudden compliment. She would really really like to run his campaign for class president, because Kurt is the biggest unicorn.
“When a pony does a good deed he gets a horn. He becomes a unicorn and he poops out cotton candy until he forgets he’s magical. And then his horn falls off. Black unicorns become zebras.” [DRINK]
Oh! Well. Alrighty then. She presses on, explaining that unicorns know they’re magical, you see. Kurt is magical. He’s unique and different and knows it and flaunts it and Brittany is a lot smarter than we’ve given her credit for, it seems. Well, except for the cotton candy poop comment. And the time in history class when she said the capital of Ohio is “O.” Technically, yes.
She knows she’s not smart enough to run, so she wants to help him. He’s beyond flattered and excitedly tells her that would be awesome. They’ll get started right after school, hooray!
Will comes into the choir room to tell the Gleeks that it seems New Directions is in a good position right now. Vocal Adrenaline fired the handsome Goolsby (Artie takes a moment to sigh over the handsome) so they are currently floundering. Yay! But since Mr. Schue is so focused on getting them to Nationals, he’s not going to be able to direct the school musical. Boo!
Fashion check: If you look at Kurt, you can see that he’s also wearing a hunter-orange (almost) shirt and camo pants. It’s his homage to duck season. Over in Wabbit season, we see that Blaine is dressed in another ridiculous outfit, with white jeans pegged and rolled, a stripy tee, braces, and a flipping pink bowtie. What, it’s Blaine’s turn to be dressed horribly, now? Those things separetly would be fine. All together and I wonder what on earth they’re trying to say about Mr. Anderson. [DRINK]
Will brings everyone back to focus. That won’t be all of the changes. Some of the people in class happen to be terrible dancers, and they’re going to [scribbles on the whiteboard DRINK] Booty Camp. Not everyone, just the kids that need help. Finn, duh, Puckerman, yeah a little, Kurt, wait what? Mike steps in, “You kinda have one move, Kurt. It’s kind of like this sashay,” and then Mike does the Kurt Shimmy. And he’s not wrong. The boy has been dancing on high octane in an ethanol world. Oh, and Mercedes needs it, too.
“What? Oh HALE to the nizzity nougatty nopeity nuh uh!”
Mr. Schue stands firm. Mike will be assisting him, and we’ll have a few shots of slow-motion dance porn to look forward to. Blaine asks if he can drop by to brush up – he’s used to the Warbler two-step and fake car driving on the backs of sofas, he needs some of that Chang Magic. I love the proud, “Well, take a look at my boyfriend!” smirk that Kurt gives. [DRINK]
While Rachel is happy that the special needs kids are getting attention [the hell now?] could we all just focus on the musical? Who is going to direct it? Why, Ms. Pillsbury and Coach Beiste will. Also, he wants a student director to assist them. Look, Rachel isn’t quite there yet, okay? Starring and directing? Brittany quietly says, “I hate you.” Mr. Schue actually had Artie in mind. Artie isn’t sure about that, but is convinced by Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang. Oh, Tina, that’s nice of you! Artie’ll do it!
And now we have a montage! A coffee making montage. (Montage!) When you gotta explain why somebody walks in you need a montage (Montage!) Shelby Cochoran is inexplicable there in the teacher’s lounge. Well, not so as she explains that she took a job at McKinley. She gets Will to top off her mug and asks if he knows Al Motta.
Flashback to a slick-haired, barely old enough to be a teen’s father, handsome man with Sugar draped over his shoulder talking to Principal Figgins. His daughter, Sugar, is a super nova, and he’ll pay anything to prove it. He’s a literal Sugar Daddy. So how about a check in an obscene amount to hire the best coach there is and let her be in a Glee of One? Principal Figgins agrees and gets his secretary to cash that sumbitch fast for a toilet paper buying orgy.
Shelby is the best money can buy. Will’s happy for her, but what about Rachel? This will be hard on her. Not to mention Puck and Quinn. Shelby knows that and that’s why she agreed to come back – she wants to, in the world of her bio-daughter – get it right. She’ll fix everything, he’ll see. Will shrugs and welcomes the competition. He’s laughing inside because he’s already heard Sugar sing.
Closeup on some poor featured extra with her face in a toilet getting a swirly. You know they had to do about 15 takes of that, right? Worst job ever. Oh, and it’s the Skanks giving her said swirly. They want her lunch money so they can buy smokes and dirty magazines and black t-shirts and scissors to cut holes in those shirts and Kool-aid to dye their hair and eye liner so they can prove they’re tough. [DRINK!] The poor girl hands over a wad of bills and cries out, “You’re so meeeeeean!”
“That’s right! It’s what passed for love in my house!” shouts one of the Skanks. Sue busts in, tells the gals to take a hike, she needs a talk with ol’ Stretch Marks here. Quinn reminds us all that she’s hard core now and attempts to light up a smoke (Capris, menthol, like a bad ass [DRINK!]) but Sue snatches it away and tosses it aside.
“Smoking kills. It really does make you look cooler, doesn’t it?” Ahaha. Whatevs, Coach, Quinn has lost everything, there’s nothing left to take from her, so what’s the point? The point, Pinkhair Sadcheeks, is that Sue wants to use her in a video depicting what the arts can do to a kid: ruin them. That’s why Quinn is where she is, you see. Because of Glee. Yeah, that sounds legit. Sue leans in for the kill, “They never appreciated the gentle tremble of your thin, forgettable alto.”
I laughed so hard I pulled internal stitches. And I don’t even have any internal stitches. I should maybe see someone about that.
At Brittany’s house, Kurt, wearing an unflattering boat neck sweater (it makes his neck look short and thick) and Captain Stubing hat [DRINK] looks over some posters that Brittany has whipped up. Also, Brittany is wearing a unicorn headband. As in a headband with a unicorn draped on it. Also, the posters are in varying shades of pink. Kurt’s face, with fuchsia glitter lips is emblazoned on all of them (and if you look at the poster board, they have pale pink unicorns as background.) My favorite poster is “Ride The Rainbow!”
She has whipped up some swag bags called “Kurt Hummel’s Bulging Pink Fun Sack.”[DRINK, oh my god. DRINK again for the entendre] They include little Tinky Winkies, a copy of Burlesque, gay pride flags, a toy unicorn, Dorothy heels and Silence = Death stickers. Kurt is…overwhelmed. Not necessarily in the good way. He doesn’t really know what to say.
“That happens to me all the time. My lips move but only dust comes out.” [DRINK]
It’s just that it’s gay. REALLY gay. Kurt was thinking more elegant, old-Hollywood, coded gay. He shows her a black and white poster of himself in a tux. He doesn’t want to just be Kurt Homo-lle. How about we tone it down? Brittany tries to process this.
Puck and Quinn have been called to the teacher’s lounge where Quinn is clotheslined by Shelby. Shelby wanted to come back to Lima because she didn’t want to miss any of Beth’s firsts by being on Broadway. Those milestones are so important. Okay, enough rubbing it in Quinn’s face. No, no, it’s not like that, Shelby wants Quinn to be a part of Beth’s life. But Quinn’s going to need to lose the ‘tude and the hair and the dirty looks and the body odor.
“You’re not the boss of me, I can stink if I want to! Oh, and also? I’m her mom, not you. It’ll never be you!” She storms out with Puck looking angry about the outburst. Also, Quinn? No. Technically, yes, but it takes a lot more than making a child to be its mother/father. More on this in drunken thoughts.
Time for our first round of slo-mo dance porn! Mike and Will hot foot it with intense swoopy sounds and grunts, and closeups on their sweat. Will makes a hoop with his hands and Mike walks through it. [I’m sorry, but that makes me laugh.] Okay, now you, kids! Mercedes fans herself and reminds them she’s a park-n-bark. You park her on the stage and she barks like a dog. I mean, hits the high notes.
And what is going on with bow ties this year? Are they secretly in style again? Kurt is wearing a grey sweatshirt with an appliqué of an untied bow tie hanging from the neck. Mike gets them to grapevine left and allemande right. Kurt and Blaine, in the back, talk about the upcoming auditions. Kurt seems surprised to hear Blaine will also be auditioning, and it sounds like he’s competition for the lead. Uh oh. Not only that, Kurt knows that Blaine would make an excellent Tony, what with his dark, retro good looks.
Blaine cottons on quickly and reminds Kurt that because he is a junior and Kurt is a senior he most likely won’t get the part. NEEDLE ON THE RECORD. Okay, so this is how it is now, I get it, but what on EARTH. Not one of us believes Kurt Hummel is older than Blaine Anderson. Especially since Blaine was called a junior Warbler last season. Unless, work with me here, they mean he’s a junior member, as in, a new member without seniority. Hmm. I wouldn’t put it past the writers to pull a switcheroo like that a few episodes down the line.
Anyway, back to the story, Kurt listens to Blaine say this and you can tell he thinks he’s safe from competing against his boyfriend. Kurt has also been getting more and more flamboyant with his moves this whole time, shimmying his shoulders and doing jazz hands until Will calls him on it. Ha.
Rachel practices for her audition wearing a gorgeous Natalie Wood-inspired dress. [DRINK] Shelby shows up, freaking her out. She hasn’t quite gotten over the hurt of being rejected again by her bio-mom. But Shelby is there to try and repair the damage and gives her advice on what song to sing. I have a hard time believing Rachel Berry wouldn’t try and sing the Big Number from West Side Story, and I have a hard time buying Shelby advising her to “not play it safe.” Who is she talking to? Rachel Berry is Queen Confidence.
But it leads to them singing a nice duet to “Somewhere,” and while it doesn’t have the emotional punch of their performance of Les Miserable’s “I Dreamed A Dream” from last season, they both sound wonderful. The scene blends into Rachel’s audition where she gets a massive round of applause.
Sue films her video depicting Quinn as defeated in life, turned hooligan, Junior Miss Delinquent 2011 – and all because she was in show choir. Parents? Is this what you want for your children? They barge into Will’s office for the coup de grâce. Quinn lays it out there for Mr. Schuester: everything wrong with her is because of him. Him and his stupid glee. And she’s never coming back. NEVER!
Will Schuester lays some serious smack down, and I love it. In its entirety:
“There’s only one person in this world that you care about: yourself.” Quinn tries to interrupt, but Will slams his hand on his desk and hollers, “I’m not finished! You’re not a little girl anymore. How long do you plan on playing the victim card? Since day one you’ve done nothing but sabotage the same Glee Club that has been there for you over and over again. When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out. Mercedes even let you live in her house, and I don’t ever recall hearing you say so much as a thank you. So now you’re a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and say it’s my fault? Grow up.”
Becky echoes my sentiment, “That was really sexy.” Will? I didn’t know you had it in you. Quinn needs some tough love and forcefulness right about now, well done.
Shelby putters in her kitchen when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Puck. She reluctantly lets him in, chastising him for dropping in unannounced. He just wants to prove that he’s making changes. He hands over a drug test (clean) he’s sober (mostly) and he’s doing his homework. Mostly art class, but we’re not there yet. Please, can he just see her?
Beth cries and when Shelby picks her up and Puck sees her for the first time, it’s pretty damn special. He’s blown away – that’s his baby. He made that. She looks just like Quinn, too. He pulls out his homework: a clown pig. He drew it himself and made the sun have shiny rays and the grass is the right green and everything. (Ha) He puts it on the fridge and he takes a minute to worry if it might scare the baby. I’m sorry, my ovaries just exploded, how cute is this?!
Shelby asks if he wants to hold her, but when Beth clings to her mom, Puck says they’ll work up to that. He’s already thinking of someone other than himself, this is wonderful character growth. He tells Shelby emphatically that he’ll do anything to be in Beth’s life, however she’ll let him. Aww.
Kurt Hummel is on stage with a custom-made scaffolding (thank you, Cassius at Hummel Tire & Lube for making it!) and is ready for his audition. He performs a dizzying production to “I’m The Greatest Star” from Funny Girl (don’t worry, he got permission from Rachel Berry to play in her yard) as he spins and swoops and climbs and clambers all over the structure. Seriously, get this young man on a stage, STAT. He’s funny, he’s charming, he can sing, and then he pulls out Sai swords and shows that he could also tap and twirl in any Miss Mississippi pageant. Everyone is blown away, and deservedly so. You know he’s internally singing, “Nailed it!”
Puck walks into the girls bathroom to have a little chat with Quinn. She needs to get herself together and stop looking like the a Real Housewife of Reno, and the trashy one, at that. He tells her he’s seen Beth and he wants them to be a family. Uh, she’s not interested in you, Puckerman.
“I don’t care about you. I care about Beth.” Well that got her attention. Puck doesn’t want Beth to be screwed up, he knows all to well what it’s like to have a bad father and he’s not doing it to that little girl. “She needs you.” Quinn looks like she’s honestly taking this in.
The directors talk about the auditions so far. Rachel is a shoo-in for Maria, but they’re waiting to see who else will audition. Beiste goes off on a racist bent which was worrisome at first, but Artie acts like the voice of reason, making faces at her, then Beiste says, “So we’ll keep an open mind.” Ha. You first.
Emma gushes over Kurt, and how he is just star material. Seriously, if Kurt weren’t a student, she’d be all over that. He’s clean, meticulous, organized? He wouldn’t want any sweaty touching, either. He’s her perfect man. Artie agrees that Kurt was awesome. Oh, and Kurt happens to be hiding outside the window, listening in. (Never ever eavesdrop, folks. It’s an old adage for a reason.)
Beiste, continuing her spiral of out of character behavior, says that Kurt owned that song like it was his prison bitch. However. Kurt is no bad ass, and Tony needs to be believable in the role. Emma champions her dream boy, saying there’s a delicate wholesomeness that could be interesting in the part? Nope. “Hummel’s too much of a lady.” Damn, Beiste, not on!
And then Emma asks Artie, “Could he pass?” Meaning, can he look straight? Artie stoically says he doesn’t see gender or race, ahem, Coach Beiste. But he is worried about how delicate Kurt appears. Remember, Kurt is listening in to all of this. And he’s devastated.
He walks solemnly down the hallway, and we hear the tinkly music of doom – there are pink posters of him with unicorns and rainbows and glitter everywhere. He rips one off the wall and chases down Brittany. These are not what they agreed on! But she likes these, he is a unicorn, and he shouldn’t hide who he is! He spies Rachel, grabs her arm and asks her for an emergency audition. Say no more! Well, say to Brittany that she needs to take all of the posters down, then say no more.
Brittany watches him race off with a sad face. Santana tries to boost her back up, saying that Kurt doesn’t deserve her awesome ideas. “It’s brilliant. There’s no one like you. You are the unicorn.” Aww. [DRINK]
Kurt and Rachel pull set pieces and Shakespearean costumes out of thin air, and tell the directors that they’re going to do a little scene – post-coitus Romeo and Juliet, I thank you – to prove that he has range. He’s scrubbed off his makeup, made his hair messy, and he and Rachel give a rushed “’tis the nightingale, not the lark!” performance, with Kurt dropping his voice low and giving Rachel bedroom eyes. And while he’s decent (it’s rushed, so it’s hard to really emote) the directors are decidedly not.
They laugh. They laugh so that Kurt can hear them. All three of them, with their issues and difference laughing at a student trying to prove he can do something. So. Rude. Just before he and Rachel kiss, he hears them snickering and storms off. I don’t blame him.
Sugar sings off key with Shelby in their first rehearsal. Ha, see what you got yourself into, Shelby? Sugar just can’t take any more of this awful, nasal tone from Shelby, so she’s off like a prom dress, toodles! Quinn comes in, pointing out how “hopeless” she is. I mean, how hopeless Sugar is. Shelby laughs gently at this whole “I’m a tough girl” thing Quinn’s doing, because she was there, too. She gets it. But this isn’t Quinn. Miss Perfect Princess wasn’t her, either.
This is when she should figure out who she really is, and not play a part. “Stop punishing yourself for things you did as a child.” Quinn wants to see a photo of Beth. Shelby pulls one up on her phone – it’s Puck holding the baby. Quinn bursts into tears. (Oh my heart!) She stays there, sobbing, as Shelby leaves.
Rachel helps Finn change a tire as Finn works for Burt now. We all knew he would, didn’t we? And it turns out that he’s good at it, too. Maybe that will be his life, staying there and working for Burt. Rachel looks worried – she wants Finn to follow his dreams. But if that’s what will make him happy, she’ll support it. She thinks it won’t be enough in the end for him, he’s better than this. (Um, please don’t knock blue collar workers – some people are fulfilled in their careers as grease monkeys.)
I do like how sweet and non-drama Finchel has become, though. They’ve settled into a happy, peaceful groove in their relationship. Well, that won’t last for long, I’m sure. Burt comes in, hollers (genially) at Finn to stop smooching and get back to work and sees Kurt hanging out. Kurt wants to talk about how he’s never going to get anything beyond Twink roles on Broadway because of how he looks.
“Dude, you’re gay. Not Rock Hudson gay, but really gay, so what?”
Uh…Kurt wants to act, and he can’t if he can’t pass as straight. Burt wants Kurt to be proud of who he is, because Burt thinks he’s great. And if there aren’t parts for Kurt Hummel types, then he’s going to have to make them, huh? I love this. Also, [DRINK.] He finishes up being the greatest dad ever, “Know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A friggin’ horse.” [DRINK]
Slow motion dance porn, take two! Finn just can’t do this. He’s sweating, he’s tired, and he’s dispirited. He falls down on a turn (and I wonder how the hell he’s a good quarterback?) He just can’t do this! Will squats down on his haunches, and tells Finn that yes he can. Why? Because Will believes in him. And Finn gets up, takes a breath (Puck holds Kurt’s hand in the background out of nerves, aha ha!) and guys? He nails it. It wasn’t pretty, but he did it. High fives!
A pretty blonde girl in a white dress turns up with some unfortunate saddle-shoe wedges [DRINK] – it’s Quinn! She wants to come back, and Will Schuester is 2 for 2 on successful pep talks. They all hug her and she gets in place for some dance lessons. Puck leans over and tells her that he’s proud of her. That’s great, but Quinn just cares about convincing everyone she’s good again so she can get full custody of Beth back.
Hold the phone, what?! Yep, she’s going to try and take Beth away from the woman that has raised her for the past year. Puck looks as blindsided as I feel, even though I’m glad they didn’t just erase bad!girl Quinn with one bottle of peroxide. [DRINK]
Beiste explains that she eats a whole chicken at every meal as Sue barges in and tosses out insults. Weepy the Vestclown is my personal favorite. Oh, she heard about Quinn “turning good” but she is gonna spin it into Quinn being addicted to the arts. She’ll send a copy of her new promo to Emma’s email, freaskishbonyginger at gmail, right? So, Butt Chin, Sue is still on top. In your faces.
Beiste, Emma and Will all decide that they need to find an anti-Sue to run against her. But who could it be? And where the hell will they find the time to do all of this?
Brittany sees that Kurt has put up posters of himself in the unicorn style: pink, glitter, and with an actual horn on his head. He admits that she was right. “Believe in Magic” indeed. That’s great! Too bad she can’t help him anymore because she’s going to run, too! Good luck with your campaign, Kurt.
Back to auditions and it’s Blaine’s turn. He knocks out “Something’s Coming,” a mediocre song (for a mediocre musical, it has to be said) and Darren Criss’ voice is just not suited for this song. He needs more powerhouse vocals, and this song doesn’t allow it until the end. Nice moments, though, are his arms, his little flashes of uncertainty and nerves when he’s not looking out at the audience, and his reaching out on a big note and Artie, completely transfixed, reaching back to Blaine. I love Artie. And sorry, but Blaine is a dream boat.
Kurt steps out on the balcony to watch his boyfriend perform, and he’s all proud smiles. So sweet! [DRINK] Also nice, when Blaine gives a sneaky, naughty look on the first “maybe tonight” line. He wraps it up on a power note, and they all applaud. They loved his performance. Artie notices that Blaine didn’t put “Tony” as his audition piece. That’s right, Blaine agrees. Officer Kripke? Any of the supporting parts, really, he’d be fine with that.
Well…Artie would like to hear him read for Tony. Cut to Kurt in the balcony, his happy smile falling off his face. Cut back to Blaine, confused, worried about making a decision, and really wanting to maybe take on the role. Kurt, crestfallen, leaves before he hears what Blaine says. Cut back to Blaine, chewing the inside of his cheek.
And we fade to black. AHHH!
Drunken Thoughts: While I have problems with Quinn wanting to take the baby back, that’s traumatic for the child, one, and two, you gave the baby up, I can see a teenager thinking this. I think Shelby’s doing the right thing by opening up the family to Beth’s biological parents, and I think she has the right to want a safe environment for her daughter. This is the difference between giving birth and being a mom: putting the welfare of the child as the top priority.
Also, about the whole passing/looking the part thing. Guys? That’s Hollywood. That isn’t Broadway, but that’s Hollywod. It’s not about talent, if it were you’d see people with different body types and crooked teeth everywhere. It’s all about you looking the part. It really sucks. Theater is far more tolerant of differences, because stage make up and costumes can fool the cheap seats. Not always, but there’s definitely more opportunity.
So? Thoughts? Anyone get why they’re dressing poor Blaine like this? My guess is to remind everyone that he, too, is gay. I don’t think we need the reminder like that. Just have the boys hold hands or kiss and that’ll serve the purpose. Bow ties with polos shouldn’t be tolerated.
NOTE ON SPOILERS: I wish to remain spoiler free. If you want to discuss things, use this code: [font color=”ffffff”>SPOILERS HERE[/font> then CTRL + A to read it after posting. :) (Change the bracket to a less than sign.)