Jersey Shore – 4.9 Three Men and a Snooki

Guys? A little help here? ...guys? ...guys??

Last episode, the world played Snooki’s Gynecologist, her boyfriend Jionni stormed out, and Jenni walked all over the cobbled streets of Florence looking for him. Just a typical Thursday.

It’s the next morning, and Ronnie, Deena and Pauly drag themselves to work. Pauly’s the only one not hungover, because he knows how to have fun and not get wrecked. He has a blast at work being loud and obnoxious, knowing their heads are splitting. Pauly is my favorite prankster.

Snooki gets up and does a camera confessional, her voice wavering and tears running down her face. “He left. I know I’m a lot to handle, but really?” He won’t answer the phone, she has no idea where he is or how to reach him, and she’s still in the same horrid dress from the night before, her pouf looking like an homage to the Tower of Pisa and her makeup smeared into her skin. Did someone order death warmed over?

She tries to engage with Jenni, who is still sleeping. Jenni is still angry with Snooki’s behavior the night before, so she blows off Nicole, who starts sobbing and heads out to look for her douchebag of a boyfriend. I would like someone to point out to Snooki that those Wampa-fur boots are ugly and make her look even shorter and blockier than she is. Ladies? Don’t cut yourself off disproportionately like that. Tim Gunn would have his hand to his mouth in his “Frankly, I’m a little concerned” stance. It’s a lot of look.

Because Snooki is overcome with grief and woe, she hooks a sharp right into a bar and orders a beer. Because she’s so sad. I’m not making this up. Now, it’s not a dance club, but has that ever stopped our gang from making it one? She starts dancing in the middle of the day in her damn Wampa boots while telling everyone within ear shot that she’s so sad, so she just needs to dance. She is dancing out her pain, you guys. [Fist Pump of Sorrow]

She eventually leaves, exclaims how upset she is, belches, and continues to “look for her boyfriend.”

At the pizzeria, Deena is instructed to clean the bathroom. Uh, there isn’t enough room in the expanding universe to contain her “HELL NO.” She says “these hands, these nails… they don’t clean toilets, you kidding me?” I can almost guarantee that the toilet at that shop is cleaner than the liquor cabinet at her house. She does the worst job ever, rubbing the mop all over the toilet seat (but just the tips of the mop strands) and dry heaving as she pours things in the toilet to make it smell like it’s clean.

Now, you know she’s had her face jammed in a toilet to hoark more than she’s probably jammed her face in a church, so give me a break. The lack of work ethic with these girls makes me bananas, I can’t help it. Pauly comes in and watches her for a minute and then leaves. He probably texts Vinny back at the house to say they are never trusting her to clean anything there.

Snooki, with a proper “I’m sad” buzz on, wanders back to the house, crying. She gets on the phone and Sam flops next to her to rub her back. Snooki gets her dad on the phone and immediately starts yelling at him, “Why did he leave, dad?! Why!” Is…her dad telepathic? Can he just instantly know it’s because his daughter showed her lady purse in a club? She won’t let him get a word in edgewise, just shouts, “Why did he leave!” Her dad starts yelling back, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this fucking guy!” Now we see where she gets some of it.

Jenni turns up and Snooki rounds on her, getting mad that Jenni hasn’t “been there” for her when she needed her most. Um, let’s have Jenni show you her bloody feet from stomping around in heels all night, toots. In a voice over, Jenni says that she just can’t stay mad at Nicole, she’s obviously messed up and just needs a friend. Jenni is my forever girl, and I just wanted to remind you all that she is good people. Jenni pulls Nicole into a tight hug.

Snooki goes out for a smoke and says to herself that she needs to change so someone will want to marry her, no one can handle her. Um, well…this is true. Jenni comes out and cuddles her up. “I’m sorry I was mad at you.”

“I hate this! I don’t want to be like this, between us!” Snooki knows she gets nasty when she’s drunk, and I’ll just leave the obvious solution to this problem in the air. Jenni says she’ll do whatever it takes to get this guy back for her, and seriously, how can you not love Jwoww? Jenni leaves to find a phone.

Sam comes out and takes her turn at comforting Snooki. She says, “Who cares if you look a mess?” Snooki touches her jacked up hair and face and says, “I do?”

“Yeah, you have eye makeup over here and… Well, you look like you, but who cares?” Worst boost ever, Sam, oh my god, you are truly bad at everything. Oh don’t worry, she’ll get a little back, just wait.

Jenni gets Jionni to answer the phone and asks if he’s still here. He claims to be on a train to Rome, where he’ll catch a flight and head back home. She begs him to come back or at least just talk to Nicole, Nicole is in dire straights. He finally agrees, and Snooki gets on the phone, sobbing some more. He says he can’t come back, he can’t even talk about this. She gives Jenni the phone back, cries some more, and Jenni tells him that if he loves her still, he needs to get his squatty ass back to the house and deal with this like an adult.

Snooki hopelessly says, “It’s fine, it’s done,” to which Jenni replies, “NO. You’re not gonna be like Sam, you’ll just change your mind in two minutes!” Sam looks up, ready to be offended, but it’s a fair cop, and she knows it.

Jionni says to get Nicole to the train station. Oh, that’s because he’s just up the road. Dick bag. Sam shouts after the girls as they head out, “Staaaaaaahp! Tell her to stahp acting like the old me!” Sam takes her flat iron to the kitchen to whip up some paninis. (The butter from sandwich making just adds shine to her hair.)

Snooki sees Jionni and runs to him. He stands stoic, saying he has to go. The hell? Oh, well, his mommy bought him a return ticket home, so he can’t stay. Dude, nut up, your mom? He evidently flipped out last night, called home and told them all about how his girlfriend is a dirty whore (as if they haven’t watched The Shore, please) and he walks her back to the house. She’s devastated that he’s leaving still. He says he’s sorry, they exchange I love you’s, and he walks off. She goes inside the house and collapses on the first step, sobbing. Poor little oompah loompah, heartbroken over that dork.

Vinny, in some very questionable tight purple pants, decides to put a couch on Deena’s bed. Pauly encourages him to keep going, so he puts everything not nailed down onto her bed while Pauly laughs, saying “This is the best day of my life!” Really? This? Bless. Vinny heads to the shower.

Deena walks in and sees her bed, starts laughing and barges into the bathroom to yell at Vinny. Vinny comes out of the shower (notice that it takes two hands to cover Seabiscuit) and chases her as she feigns being bothered. I love when they’re all goofy like this. He grabs her in a hug, she grosses out, and laughs her way back to the room.

There’s a house rule: when punked, you have to clean it up. So as she tries to get everything off her bed, the couch falls on her, pinning her to the floor. The guys stand by, watching this as she lies like a bug on her back. She says that she really can’t get it off of herself. Jenni comes over and P90X’s that couch like it’s a blanket. They’re all cracking up, so that’s good. Deena’s a good sport, you gotta give her that.

Time for clubbing! At first Snooki doesn’t want to go, she’s too sad, but hey, some furious dance battling and lots of booze should fix that, right? They all head out, everyone but Deena in high spirits. Uh oh. Deena is complaining about being hot, bloated, and irritable. They get to the club and Snooki sexually assaults some greaseball on the dance floor, choking him and shoving him around. O…kay.

Deena leans over to Jenni and says that she might have a little case of the “baby inside my uterus”-itis. For the love of… Jenni just wants one night out, drama free, is that too much to ask? Jenni continues to show that she’s the most adult person on the show and takes Deena out of the club muttering, “You think you might be pregnant and you’re drinking and smoking?”

They find a pharmacist and Jenni gets a pregnancy test for her (by shouting through a peep hole, as the store is locked up) while Deena has a mild freak out in the alley way. Jenni says in a voice over, “Eh, she just doesn’t want to look like a whore.” (But how do you feel, Jenni?) They get the test and walk back to the house to take it.

Mike, looking like Tim Conway’s boss character from The Carol Burnett Show, lets the girls in. Seriously, he looks like he’s wearing a toupee. Deena slips into the bathroom to take the pee of shame. She panics because she really doesn’t want a baby. WELL GUESS WHAT. You don’t have to have one. Slip it on before you slip it in, kids. For the love of god, condoms can be a lot of fun, especially when they keep you from giving birth or getting AIDS. USE THEM.

Here, I’ll save you the “suspense.” She’s not pregnant. Time to go bang a stranger to celebrate!

The next day is rainy, so the gang is trapped in the house. Snooki calls Jionni to make sure he made it back to the states alright. He did, she still loves him, he says he couldn’t sit by while she had her skirt up, because who would respect him after that? I see his point, but dude, finesse that shit in a conversation. Then he digs himself in deeper by saying that he has to “accept that my girlfriend was dancing like a fucking pig in front of me.”

A PIG? And everyone in the house heard that. Bro-bro-sapien, don’t date pigs and then be shocked when they show you their tacos al pastor. YES she shouldn’t do those things in the first place, but you hooked up with her in the second place, knowing she acts that way.

Snooki jumps down his throat for making her feel like shit, and says she’s not being herself because of him.

“What’s yourself? You’re drunk 7 days a week, hooking up with girls and showing your underwear.”

I love that he’s right, he’s just not right to be mad about it. He just proved my point. She tells him that she needs a break from him and hangs up. Sad music of breakups and woe play alongside stock footage of carousels, the saddest of all carnival rides. They just go round and round, nothing changes-

Oh, I get it, MTV! Clever.

Sam tells Nicole that she’s proud of her and turns it all into how she and RAAAAHN would have handled things, because the focus hasn’t been on her enough, and she’s starting to get twitchy. Ron cuts in saying he’d never let her leave the house dressed like Snooki was. Ahaha. Jenni, ever the sage, says that Nicole is just being herself and he shouldn’t have hitched his wagon to her cheval if he couldn’t take it.

Deena realizes she hasn’t said anything, so she shouts out how seeing Nicole sad is “KILLING ME.” Nicole leaves the room, shrieks, and says that she has an amazing idea: they’ll all sober up, get educated, and start taking responsibility for their actions, dropping this entitled crap once and for all. They can’t lose!

Or, Pauly will DJ in the house, they’ll all get gussied up like they’re going to KARMA on the shore, and dance their troubles away. They all pick what’s behind Door #2. Pauly orders everyone to get Fresh To Death. I love how easy they are to please. All it takes is a little fist pumping. (That’s what she said.)

Ron is the bouncer, they all dance and soul train the shit out of that living room, and it’s hilarious how much fun they are having being dorks. Ron notes that Mike sits in the corner, “looking like the biggest creeper ever.” Please notice that there’s a pill bottle next to a drink by his elbow. Please notice that.

Someone rigged the lights to flash, and they all have seizures and have the best time ever. Deena falls over, Nicole plops next to Mike asking him to help her get her shoe off, and he decides to “be sexy” which involves him looking over his sunglasses at her. Jenni screams out how gross he is, but Mike insists Nicole is flirting with him. Jenni walks away, trying to keep her bile down.

Mike starts “sweet talking” her, saying how he can take better care of her than Jionni, that he loves her, and how he’s proven that by like, texting her back almost instantly whenever she has texted him. Is this how we measure love in these modern times? Jenni thinks he just is in love with the idea of ruining someone’s relationship. Jenni = smartest person in the house.

Snooki looks him in the eye and says she’s worried about him, because he clearly has brain damage. “But I care about you!” Dude, you’re my friend, that’s it. “I love you, oh my god, LOVE ME, someone please love me and help me out of this sham of an existence!” The Dub-Step pounds away in the living room.

Mike tells her that he could have beaten Jionni up like everyone in the house wanted (what?) but he didn’t kick the midget in the head out of respect for her. I hate Mike, you guys. He swears that Ronni gave him permission to Crane Kick Jionni, and says the guys all talk shit about her boyfriend.

She gets up, grabs Ron, and makes him answer point blank: did you say that Mike should do what he needs to do? Because those are the literal words he said (if not the right context) he agrees. Then he says he’s not getting into anything with her, he loves her and hugs her.

She storms off to go to bed. Jenni tells Mike that was “unnecessary.” I think she means that was a twisted lie. Pauly says, “But that’s just him, I accept that he’s a dick bag.” Ha ha, I love Pauly. Mike defends himself by saying that back when she was blowing him – WHOA WHOA WHOA. They want him to shut up.

Sam yells, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Jenni shouts, “What the fuck, that’s my best friend you’re talking about!” She’s totally grossed out by him and calls him an asshole. Mike goes off to bed, Sam and Ron climb into their bed (another day of no fighting between them! …did I just jinx it?) and Deena tries to get in bed with Pauly to cuddle. He’s not feeling it, but she keeps insisting and shoves herself in by him.

Snooki gets in bed with Vinny, wanting some “cuddles,” too. After about five minutes, Pauly decides that was enough and makes Deena get in her own bed. The strength of Samson, this guy, putting up with the constant need of one Miss Deena. Nicole starts kissing Vinny, who kisses her back because he’s single, he’s been there before, and it’s better than taking care of business himself, I suppose.

Pauly says, “I see the blanket moving up and down, and we all know what’s going on.”


NEXT WEEK: Nicole has a moment of what the hell just happened (I’m getting tired of her putting her misdeeds onto being drunk. You still did them, cookie.) Mike calls his friend back home with instructions to tell Jionni about Mike hooking up with Nicole, and all hell breaks loose.