Bridget waltzes in to the fancy Manhattan digs, and suggests to Andrew they get Chinese food from a spot nearby. It’s obviously the last straw if she’s going to make him eat philistine Moo Goo Gai Pan, so Andrew lashes out that Siobhan hated that Chinese place, and he knows she’s Bridget Kelly.
Whoa, this has to be a nightmare, because dear god, look at Bridget’s weird lacy tank top with — wait, are those doilies slapped all over it? Okay, they’re fabric roses, but still. Andrew shouts, “You lied to us all!” and when Bridget panics and apologizes, he intones, “Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to her.” Cue Siobhan all creepy-zombie-faced, back from her watery graaaaave!
Bridget wakes with a gasp, because yes it was a nightmare, and Andrew fusses that her poor sleeping can’t be good for the baby. Bridget offers to go to the Hamptons on her own for the weekend, and he says, flatly, “You want to be alone on your birthday.” When she claims she forgot it, he’s completely skeptical because apparently Siobhan loves parties and candles and cakes and presents (and drama!) for her special day of the year. He says he’ll go with her to make up for last year (whahuh?) and they’ll celebrate her birthday on the beach. When she mentions she’ll take the jitney there, he laughs and says, “What next, a newfound appreciation for the subway?” He’ll send her a car, because fancy transport is how socialites do the Hamptons, bitches! Plus he’ll take care of all the planning and then, “we’ll do the usual.” Bridget agrees though she has NO IDEA what the usual is (and what if it involves whips and chains, Bridget? What if the usual is horribly angry and politically incorrect dwarf tossing? What then?).
Cut to Victor Machado at FBI headquarters, watching footage of Siobhan/Bridget (Bridget!Siobhan, really), snagging the contents of that bus station locker in the Hamptons. We know all this already; it feels like filler. At least Victor is thrilled because this is proof Siobhan lied and knows where Bridget is, Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Bridget walks into her chic Hamptons foyer in some very stylin’ ankle boots, and calls Malcolm, worried he’s mad at her (not realizing it’s not that he’s angry at her, no; he only hasn’t called because he’s just been beaten up, drugged, and perhaps enlisted into Bodaway’s gang of goons right by now, that’s all). She just has time to stow her Bridget!bag in the closet and Andrew’s there to take her down to the beach. He wants to take out the boat, but she claims she doesn’t want to, and improvises the thought makes her nauseous because of the baby. He gets a text, and when she asks, “Work?” immediately swears, “What happened last year won’t happen again,” Dude, what happened last year? It must have been horrible! Oh. Apparently he left her birthday dinner in the middle for work. Which is jerk-y, but nowhere near the level of exciting, sexy betrayal I’d imagined. Slow moving ep this time around. He says this will be her best birthday ever, which is only courting disaster, right? We can only hope.
As they get back to the house, there’s a seemingly insignificant bit in which Bridget says soccer (that’s football to you, hipsters and Europeans) is boring, and Andrew asks if she was faking all those times she cheered it on, and jokes, “I wonder what else you were faking?” I WONDER, ANDREW! The flirty arguing is put off when they hear Gemma and Henry are having an actual argument, a knock-down vase-throwin’ fight. While Henry sneers and Gemma worries maybe they should leave, Andrew insists they stay and Bridget says, obviously reluctantly, that they should stay, “It’ll be a great weekend” (because an awesome way to spend your birthday is listening to a volatile couple shriek, dress each other down, and break expensive vases). Puffy Henry completely misreads this and stops sneering so he can smile, thinking, “She likes me, she really likes me!” What a great judge of character and situation! No wonder his novel submission is tanking.
Machado does an up-to-speed with his FBI friends, just so Nestor Carbonell doesn’t miss out on screen time, and so he and his pals can remind us that Siobhan will lead them to Bridget. When they see photographic evidence of Henry and Gemma Butler at the Hamptons house, he laughs, “It takes a brave woman to share a house with her husband and her lover,” which actually bugs me, because it is so not his business that Siobhan has a thing for puffy hack novelists. Also, hello, it’s not bravery, it’s convenience. Which is more than I can say for this scene, which feels like yadda-yadda-yadda catch up.
Bridget sips coffee at a café and listens to more updates from the Gemma and Henry Angst Hour, which, cripes, even Gemma is sick of hearing about. Gemma leaves to go looking for stuff for her twins (and are they frightful looking? Why haven’t we seen these kids yet?), but says Bridget!Siobhan is “like a sister”. Bridget flashes back to a birthday when she and Siobhan were kids, Siobhan looking at fancy jewelry and saying, “When I get older, I’m going to have everything I want!” They’ve only got twenty bucks for their birthday, because they’re poor, which of course Siobhan hates. They see a heart necklace they can afford if they share, and plan to trade it off once a year on their birthdays, which actually is ridiculously sweet. Meanwhile, I want to ask their mom why she didn’t get them into child modeling and ads to supplement the family income (much like Sarah Michelle Gellar’s early childhood gigs!), because those are two gorgeous twins (obviously unlike Gemma and Henry’s hulking monster twins who are perhaps at this moment hidden in their Manhattan’s apartment dumbwaiter).
Gemma lied about looking for things for her twins unless they have ginormous heads, because she’s contemplating buying some huge hats. Victor shows up and displays a picture of Bridget, which Gemma first thinks is Siobhan, because she has no idea bout Siobhan’s twin sister. She storms back to confront Bridget, who explains she never told Gemma (or Andrew) because, “My sister did something unforgivable.” She doesn’t specify, but it must have to do with little toddler in photo from the Pilot ep, right? She talks about their tormented history, slipping from pretending to be Siobhan talking about Bridget to obviously talking about Siobhan as Bridget (which is the only bit that keeps this interesting, because we know all this backwards and forward). Gemma promises not to tell Andrew and sympathizes that all those years Siobhan was so excited about her birthday, “It must have been eating you up, not to share it with your sister!” Hey, maybe that’s why Siobhan liked those birthdays so much. No sharing with the druggie stripper sister!
Flashback to Nevada, six years ago. Siobhan answers the door and tells Bridget, “I thought I was clear I don’t want to see you.” Bridget has a red velvet cupcake with two candles though, which is sweet if extremely cheap, so Siobhan lets her in to her apartment strewn with evidence of packing. Siobhan tells her she’s moving to New York. “Andrew loves me. I can start over.” She throws the heart-necklace at Bridget’s feet and Bridget takes her kohl-lined Goth-y puppy-dog eyes out the door.
Back in Paris, France, Siobhan almost lights up and then remembers the stupid baby that won’t let her smoke. That is one bossy baby already. She spots her pal from the night before, Shizzitini Boy (whose name I suppose I should actually learn if he’s going to keep popping round). Siobhan interrupts his hot date with a French girl, and Tyler, for that is his actual name, agrees to talk to her because he wants to figure out how her chest baring JLo dress isn’t exposing her breasts entirely (spoiler: it’s double-sided fabric tape, Tyler!). Siobhan goes all sincere, saying, “Tyler, I like you. A lot. We had a connection.” Ahahaha, this couldn’t be less like something Siobhan would actually say or feel. He returns to his date because he can’t forgive getting shoved out of a hotel room just when they were about to get it on, and she picks up her ringing phone to say, “I had a snack.” Wow. That must be critical info, because it’s practically the only new revelation in this episode so far.
Bridget sneaks the Bridget!bag out of the closet, but Henry interrupts her before she can skedaddle, because he thinks she’s there to have sex with him, “just like old times.” “This is how we celebrate,” he tells her. “This is our place.” She’s shocked that they apparently do it regularly on her birthday at the beach house, and exclaims, “With them sleeping upstairs?” He yells, “What’s wrong with you? It’s like you’ve forgotten the last year existed!”
The show helpfully flashes back to a year ago, so we can see Henry and Siobhan gettin’ it ooonnnn in front of a roaring fire at the Hampton, and ahahahaha, that floppy leg in the sex shot! Siobhan says she’s glad she didn’t have to keep up appearances with Andrew after all, since he was taken away from dinner by an emergency work meeting: “Olivia actually showed up at the restaurant; you should have seen the look in her eyes when he left me there all alone.” Siobhan doesn’t specify, but I imagine that look was “Boo-yah!” and “In your face!” Siobhan so doesn’t care, all happy and affectionate with Henry (weird for stone cold bitch Siobhan, but maybe it was sincere at the time), asking him to hurry and finish his book so they don’t have to be apart (that’s his lame excuse for not leaving his wife?), and begging him to read his draft to her. He says it’s terrible. She says it’s brilliant! Like we’d trust someone whose favorite movie is The Notebook, Siobhan.
Before he can start reading, she opens a package she was hoping was a birthday gift even though it’s without a return address because, “I’m not picky. I’ll take presents from anyone.” It’s the necklace, from Bridget! She says no more than it’s from “an old friend; we used to pass it back and forth on birthdays.” When Henry presses, she tells him to read to her, and seriously, his book is named The City Burns? If Siobhan is his muse, as he claims, she’s not doing a bang-up job, because the opening he reads is just. awful.
Back to present, “I haven’t forgotten. I’m ashamed. I don’t want to hurt Andrew or Gemma.” He disputes this, saying she doesn’t give a crap about them. This seems more on par with the Siobhan we know. Plus the two of them were in love, had plans, and that all changed overnight, “Where does that leave me?” Bridget apologizes, which she has to do often, and he retorts, “I don’t want sorry; I want you.” She stares him down until he leaves, and goes off to her bonfire burning bash of her Bridget!bag, only saving Siobhan’s letter to her.
Back in Paris, and Siobhan seems to time her confrontation with the hotel manager (who doesn’t want a scene, but wants her to pay for her room, the cad) so that Tyler overhears and swoops in to save her. He pretends Siobhan works for his company, and they’re off to a meeting with the boss, buh-bye. At a café, she confides she’d dreamed of coming to Paris for years, and when she left her husband who never took her, she came on her own. She laments someone drained her savings she’d planned to live on, and adds, “The most pathetic part of all? Today is my birthday.” He immediately offers to ditch his new hot French girlfriend so he can help her celebrate.
Back to the FBI, where some guy tells Victor that fatal day someone took the Martins’ boat out and put it back in the wrong slip, there’s a coast guard recording — but we cut away before we hear that “It’s my sister!” yelling we’ve heard many times already.
Everyone enjoys a glass of sparkling cider for Siobhan’s birthday, because as Andrew says, “It hardly seems fair for the rest of us to indulge” when she can’t drink. Henry grouses life isn’t fair, and as per usual, looks like he just ate something super sour. Bridget says she doesn’t deserve the fuss or the presents, while Gemma insures her that she usually can never have enough presents. Bridget noshes on some meaty appetizer, and everyone is shocked because Siobhan’s been a vegetarian for three years (bet she’s one of those vegan-juice-cleansing-diet ones). Bridget stammers she must have had a craving with the pregnancy, Andrew is very moved by this, and Henry looks like the sip of cider he just took was actually pee.
All this makes Bridget think of her birthday necklace, and she slips away to read Siobhan’s note saying she misses her and wants her to visit wearing the necklace (it’s enclosed). Bridget puts it on, and Andrew bursts in because he has no concept of personal space or alone time whatsoever, and reminds her of her reaction when “she” (Siobhan) received it. She tries to stalk past him, but again he won’t let her leave (does he not see this is creepy ever?) and says the look of love she used to give him, she now gives to Andrew. Even if he loves her, he’ll let her walk away if that will make her happy: “It’s gonna kill me, but I’ll do it,” and Henry gets title for the first time! However, the pregnancy is a sticking point. She says “we don’t know!” that it’s his, but Henry insists it is. Bridget!Siobhan asks that he trust her and they’ll work it out, and whoopsy-daisy, sparkly-mini-dressed Gemma is hearing everything from the other side of the door! Maybe now things will finally get exciting this episode!
Nope. Instead of staging a fiery confrontation, they all head to the beach, where a personal chef and his three-person staff (and this is to serve four people, kids) await. Bridget is awed and appreciative, Andrew is happy she’s thrilled, and they and Henry all laugh and drink and eat while Gemma looks like she’s going to hurl. While Bridget and Andrew act all loving, maudlin Henry decides to take Gemma’s hand when the cake comes, but she says, “I can’t, I’m sorry!” and runs like hell up to the house. Bridget says she’ll go talk to her, and Andrew manages to look more concerned for Gemma than irate that his no doubt crazy-expensive last minute fete for Siobhan has been completely ruined.
Meanwhile, Siobhan wakes up in Paris from spending the night with Tyler, and he’s brought her a breakfast birthday croissant with a candle in it. By the way, his company has a lot of pull and a business account at the hotel, and he’s pretended Cora Ferrell (right, that’s Siobhan’s pretend identity) is an important client who will be staying there indefinitely. “No one even blinks at the charges.” Siobhan seems not to mind at all that she’s now Tyler’s kept woman, and seems all vulnerable, cute, and appreciative. But as soon as he goes to search for his tie she opens his briefcase to skim through the files until she finds one marked “Account Transfers,” and hides it under the covers. He leaves saying he’ll pick her up at seven, and she phones someone to say, “The plan is back on. Tyler Barrett just extended my hotel stay. On the company dime. This is going to be easier than we thought.” So, wait, part of her plan seems to be defrauding Andrew’s company? My current theory is that she’s in on this conspiracy with, wait for it: OLIVIA! Anyone else agree?
Bridget searches for Gemma in the house, calling her from her cell at the same time, and runs into Machado, who has broken in as a courtesy visit to tell Siobhan she’s a lying liar who lies. I contemplate getting another drink while he hammers on points we already know, catches her out on the locker/duffel bag thing, plays Bridget’s distress call to the Coast Guard. It’s time for Bridget to improvise an explanation once again! She claims Bridget did come to visit her and told her what she was mixed up in. When they fought, “I was afraid she might hurt me” and so the distress call. She swears it was the last time she saw her, and she only opened the locker for clues to where Bridget is. He attempts to call her out on her huge withdrawal and she asks, “There’s no law against spending your own money, is there?” He can follow her forever (and knowing Bridget’s/Siobhan’s tendency to get stalked by dudes, no doubt he will), “But I promise you, you won’t find Bridget.” She leaves and Victor is temporarily stumped that his elaborate web of exciting information the rest of us had down episodes ago hasn’t caught her yet. But oho, she’s left her phone (so clumsy, Bridget). He immediately finds Bridget!Siobhan has called Malcolm, Bridget’s sponsor. Hey, can we please have Victor go question Malcolm when he follows up this lead, because Malcolm is in some serious Reservation Crime Boss type trouble, and I’m worried!
When Bridget finally finds Gemma, Gemma slaps her hard, “That’s for sleeping with my husband, you whore!” Ouch! Gemma can’t believe she’s been so stupid, especially when “You were the one trying to convince me Henry wasn’t having an affair!” Obviously she heard their whole conversation about the baby. Bridget!Siobhan says she feels horrible, and Gemma spits out, “I’m sorry, I don’t want you to feel bad; why don’t you sleep with my husband and see if that makes you feel better?” Hahahaha, GOOD ONE, GEMMA!
Gemma’s off to tell Andrew so she can hurt Siobhan right back, when Bridget pleads, “Please, just look at me?” “What, Siobhan, what, because there’s nothing you can possibly say to make this okay!” Gemma shrieks. And then Bridget finally gets tripped up in all her deceptions and blurts out, “I’m not who you think I am. I’m not Siobhan. I’m Bridget.” Holy identity theft unraveling, Bridget! I didn’t think we’d get to this point until sweeps week! After being distracted all during this episode with all the filler repeating of clues and information, I’m actually on the edge of my seat yelling, “What’s going to happen nooowwww?” Good job on the late save, Ringer! Just don’t leave us hanging quite so long next time, hmm?