Jersey Shore 4.10 – Damage Is Done

This is a perfectly reasonable place for a nap. Let's all just be grateful those are shorts.

Remember how sad Snooki was about her One True Love Jionni leaving her? Remember how she only wanted him? And remember how she proved that by climbing in bed with Vinny and getting reacquainted with Seabiscuit? If that doesn’t tell your boyfriend you care, I guess I don’t know what will. “I love you so much I’m going to have sex with this guy, are you happy now?”

Their world is very different from mine. 

Snooks wakes up early (read: normal people time, 7 am) and doesn’t know what to do with herself. She makes Jenni get up and have breakfast with her. Nicole needs to explain how it was okay for her to hook up Vinny and his beard because she had said “she was done” on the phone with Jionni last night. Remember this.

But it’s okay, because they didn’t really do anything, she and Vin, just some cuddling. They find a cafe, Snooks orders two mimosas for herself (you know, you can order another one after you finish the first?) and listens as Jenni bitches about Mike claiming that Nicole played the slobber boogie on his meat flute. Excuse me while I throw up for an hour straight.

Nicole continues to maintain it’s a lie lie LIE! They did nothing, Mike is digging his own grave, and so on. The girls then move on to how much Jionni sucks for going home after six hours, Nicole misses him and is sad, but…it is what it is.

Mike, back at the house, says he wants to teach Snooki a lesson, so he pulls out a bunch of grammar textbooks and starts creating a syllabus. He grabs Ron, who is getting ready for work, and tells him that he plans on calling his friend Unit (I hate this person on principle, Unit?) who was present when the situation went down. Wait, when Snooki went down on the Situation. He’s going to refresh his memory on the whole thing, and get Unit to call Jionni and tell him what happened.

Put yourself in the boys’ size 5 shoes of Jionni for a minute. True, he hooked up with Nicole at the Shore, which doesn’t speak highly of his character, but ever since then, he’s had to suffer through the choice of being that girl’s boyfriend. He spends 22 hours traveling to see her, she flashes her lady purse at the world, she makes a disgusting, drunken spectacle of herself, he hears about her messing around with Deena, and then there’s the chance that the most disgusting human on earth got up in his lady’s grill, so to speak.

How much is this kid expected to take?

Ron hears Mike’s plan and blanks out, not wanting to think of either party in any sexual connotation, and zones out as he slaps on forty-seven layers of deodorant. Of course, as Mike is saying all of this, Sam is hovering outside because her “someone is near RAAAAAHN” detector went off. She tells Deena, because this is what girlfriends do, folks, we look out for each other.

Mike says this is his “Gym, Tan, Find out who’s the Rat” plan. Here’s a tip, Mike: go stand in a mirror. There you go! Game over. Mike assures the camera that he has no intention of actually getting his friend to call Jionni, he just wants to prove a point. Uh… that you’re a total dick head and a complete waste of oxygen? Well done, sir!

He says that he just doesn’t want to be made out to be a liar. My head hurts. Dudebro: you are lying. You are a liar. You lie. Mike li-highs, when he cries. I’ve written seventy-two songs about Mike, and they’re all about how much of a liar he is. They’re all in the key of screw you, butt face.

Snooki and Jenni wander the streets, amazed that life happens at this time of day. Nicole sees a nun and freaks out, chasing after her. She says she’s never seen one before. What? Some Catholic Italian-American you are, toots. They pop into a store where Nicole buys a double magnum of Chianti. Now, that is a lot of booze – about six bottles worth, actually. It’s almost as big as she is. She jams it in the front of her rolling bag (I have no idea why she has this for brunch) and tries to drag it down the cobblestone street.

These are not deep thinkers.

The bag topples to its side and the magnum smashes into the street, delicious, precious chianti running across the stones like the tears on my face. MAJOR PARTY FOUL, LADIES. How she is not summarily shot for this foul misdeed is beyond me. You are in FLORENCE with local Chianti. And you… I can’t, I just can’t. I need a moment to pull myself together.  And about five minutes to do a Hannibal Lecter impression of fava beans and a fine chianti, ff-ff-ff-ff-ff!

Back at the house, Vinny talks to his mom, reminding her (and informing us) that he’s headed out later to Sicily with the boys to meet with his family. This is what I’ve been waiting for! I’ve wanted them to hook up with their actual Italian families, seeing as how they’re all so gung-ho about their heritage. Pauly asks over his shoulder to find out if there are any girl cousins for him. Ha.

The girls come back stinking of wasted wine and flop in their beds. Mike takes this chance to catch Pauly up on his phone call to his friend and the instructions to call Jionni. Except for how the last part isn’t true, and it’s not true because he wants to prove once and for all that he’s honest. I just don’t understand this idiot.

MTV production staff? I think he did a lot more damage to his head than you realized.

Ron, Sammi and Deena get back from work, and Sammi goes straight to Nicole to tell her what she heard Mike say with her own ears. Nicole, as would be expected, flips out. She chases Mike through the house shrieking at him, “Stop getting in my business, mother fucker!” and throws everything she can find: ashtrays, empty bottles of booze, attack pigeons, small Italian children that wandered in.

Pauly says, “Mike’s dodging everything like the Matrix!” Mike shouts out that he didn’t do it, he didn’t do it! Vinny steps in and tells her that Mike was joking, he didn’t actually have Jionni called like that. She huffs off, for which I don’t blame her. Vinny tells Mike it was a bad joke, because he actually is a caring person under it all.

Sam tells the camera that Mike’s trying to say she and Deena are rats, when he is straight up lying. Sam, we get it. We hate that we are on your side, but we get it.

The logic is just bizarre. He keeps saying that “All I did was tell three people a little lie” and this is how he was proving that he’s been telling the truth. Snooki bursts into tears and shrieks at him to get away from her, and collapses on the porch, sobbing. Not even the attack pigeons will come near her. Everyone in the living room gets quiet, hearing it, and Vinny shakes his head, “bad joke, bro. “ and that “making her believe it was true has the same affect” as it being true.

Pauly laughs when Vinny says how Snooki misses the kid, saying, “Yeah, she missed him a lot last night, oh!!” Well…he has a point.

Jenni wraps Snooki up in her arms and tries to soothe her, because regardless of how Nicole is feeling, Jenni is a good friend. Sam hisses at Ron that Mike is just a sick fuck, and to continue his streak of being awesomely insightful, Ron says, “I told you all on Day One.” And he did, he did!!

Enough of this crap, they’re going to Sicily! The guys catch a flight out, have packed suitcases (um, it’s an overnight. These people over-pack like nobody’s business) and ooh and ah the terrain as they touch down. It’s freaking Sicily, it’s gorgeous. Mountainous, Mediterranean, lush and peaceful. Vinny is quietly taking it all in and connecting with the “mother land” and it’s adorable.

They pull into a ranch and a stream of people come pouring out, all of Vinny’s relatives. Ciao, ciao! Kisses and hugs and introductions in broken Italian and English, but no one cares because they’re all smiles and I can only imagine how good the smells pouring out of that house must be. All of the women fuss over the boys and kiss their faces and pinch their cheeks and reach up to ruffle their hair, and one woman cries out in pain, blood pouring off her hand after attempting to do that to Pauly D. Awk-ward.

The girls get gussied up in their least slutty dresses and some big hats, and load up in a tour bus to go to Tuscany for the day for a series of wine tastings. This is the first time in Jersey Shore history where I am actually jealous of these people. Side note, I’ve found that anything beyond four tastings in a day is too much. I don’t think they have the same concept. Deena tells us they’re going “to do some wine and get some drunk.” I bet the dictionary looks like a bunch of wingdings when she glances at it.

They hit a castle tour, and this castle happens to have a 900 year old wine cellar. My hands are trembling. The girls have no interest in any of the “here’s how we make it, blah blah” stuff, they want a table with booze and food. UGH. I was hoping I’d actually learn something about Tuscan wineries, but that was just silly of me, huh?

Snooki wants to talk about hooking up with Vinny. Jenni tells her, “No offense, but the damage is done.” She wants Snooki to realize that there’s no going back, and she needs to move on. How much can this guy take, I mean, come on? Snooki grumbles to herself that Jenni is being the worst BFF in the history of FF.

Down in Sicily, the men all tell Mike that if he wants to call himself Italian, he needs to love soccer. “I love soccer!” he assures them. They all line him up against a stone wall and bean his nuts with soccer balls over and over. It’s so beautiful, I almost cried.

Time for food! Holy moley, does it look delicious. The women have been working their tails off and there are miles of pastas and slow-simmered sauces, and handmade salamis and cheeses, and there is no end in sight. There are something like 16 courses, total, and the guys can’t keep up with the locals. It should be noted that the locals look like regular human beings, not pumped up ‘roid heads. Pace yourself, fellas, pace yourself.

Up in Tuscany, the girls are on their fifth or sixth vineyard and Snooki is so over hearing about which wood the casks are made from (but that’s how you know what the tannins are like! And what the final notes will be! God…I just want to be up there shoving them out of the way and grabbing a snifter and talking shop to the Italian men) that Snooki lays on top of a row of wine casks to nap.

They’re pretty blasted by this point and I send a silent prayer of thanks to the production staff for arranging for a bus. Then again, Snooki lost her license, so I guess there was no other choice. Jenni and Nicole snipe a bit at each other as they prepare for the bus ride back, Nicole is still convinced Jenni is being a terrible friend.

“Should I sugarcoat things?” Jenni asks.

“YES!” Nicole shouts. She runs down the street to who knows where for who knows why. Jenni asks the other girls if she was right to say what she did, they concur, and Jenni says she just wants Nicole to man up and fix it. Snooki, tottering dangerously on her platform wedges, climbs back up into the bus for an awkward ride home.

The guys have an after dinner drink of creamy limoncello, which is absolute heaven. Vinny sits on the front step of the ranch, watching the sun set over the cliff sides and feels an instant connection to his family and homeland. It’s really sweet. Everyone says how amazing his family is, both here and back in the states. I kinda want to hang with the Guadagnino family. Especially if the food tastes half as good as it looks.

It’s really sweet to see how grateful and gracious Vinny is with his family, how appreciative of them opening their home to him and his entourage. I love it when these mooks have manners, what can I say.

There are some little things Jenni lets slip as they get back to the house that makes me think someone isn’t coming clean. She says that she’s “covering” for Nicole. Hmm. But then the two hug each other tightly, saying they hate fighting and don’t want to do it any more. I love Jenni.

Snooki calls her dad and tells him she misses Jionni. Her dad tells her that Jionni switched his facebook status to single. Why is her dad on facebook? Never mind that, Snooki starts yelling and crying because she wasn’t breaking up with him! She just wanted a break!

Uh, I clearly remember her saying just that morning after climbing out of Vinny’s bed that it was okay to have hooked up because she had told Jionni on the phone that “she was done.”

She calls Jionni. Naturally.

Snooki: Why did you change your status, omg, don’t you love me?

Jionni: Uh, NO. You are embarrassing, remember? Why are you even calling me?

Snooki: Because I love you so much that I did something that I need to confess that will make you hate me but don’t, because I love you.

Jionni: …

Snooki: So I kinda sorta cuddled with Vinny but I didn’t have sex but then I was really drunk but then what’s new there, right? So don’t hang up don’t break up with me I love you I may have sucked his dick. …I love you?

Jionni: Do not call me again. We’re done. Tell Vinny that when I see him, he’s dead. (Pfft, whatever, midget.)

Snooki cries, because she’s apparently a hopelessly optimistic romantic. (Read: moron.)

Oh, but she’s not done. She regroups, call him back, and says that Vinny only fingered her. (Oh my GOD in heaven) but she’s really really really really sorry and can’t he please stop being mad about it, it happened ages ago, like at 5am this morning, and she’s totally over it and loves him and can’t they be together?

And now I have no sympathy for this kid as he says with exasperation, “YES.” Yes they can be together. The music goes from tumultuous emotional rock to happy guitar strumming, You Won This Quick Fire Challenge! music. And are you just completely kidding me? He’s giving her just one more chance, though, so don’t slip and land on some guys penis, okay? Okay.

The guys come back, Sam and RAAAAHN throw themselves at each other, and Snooki pulls Vinny aside to ask him what really happened. He’s clearly disturbed by her claiming to have blacked out (for someone that blacks out as much as she does, I half expect her to not be aging.)

He says she got in bed with him, right, she started kissing him, yes, we all saw that, and then asked to be fucked. Okay, we missed that part of the tape. She laughs, sure that they didn’t, they just cuddled, right? Sam pokes her head out and asks, RIIIIIIIIGHT? Well, if by cuddling he means a vaginal hug on his penis, then yes. They just cuddled.

Naturally this means that Snooki feels compelled to call Jionni right back and say, Oopsie doodles, I did have sex with him, but because I’m sorry about it, it’s okay, and we can be together for ever! Until I drink again, which should begin five hours ago * hiccup*

This should end well.

Next Week! Deena is horny! Mike causes fights! Everyone hates him! Basically, it’s Groundhog Day.