Last week we met Dana Wilkey, of the $25,000 sunglasses and super-nova-sized ego. Kim was drunkenly dressing up her maid to relive her glory days, and Brandi made frenemies with everyone. But they were all smiles as they judged one another. Enough butt sniffing, let’s get to the dog fight.
But first we visit the lovely Lisa Vanderperfect at her fabulous estate. She’s showing her maid/housekeeper/personal stylist how to properly set a formal table.
“Darling, don’t you know that the snail tongs go before the dessert spoon, but just after the soup spoons? It’s almost as if you’ve never used them before, ah ha ha!”
She and Ken are hosting her daughter’s boyfriend’s family for dinner. First, I love that she’s actually cooking the food. I’ve seen this woman cook more food than Teresa Giudice of Jersey cook book “fame.” Lisa and Ken hope that their CHAV son Max will grace them with his presence, but it seems he has some chicky on his arm that is taking up too much of his time.
Please tell me you noticed that Ken was wandering around with half of his shirt tucked in.
Taylor, also cooking, has Dana drop in for a little fun cookie making date. She pulls out the finest box of cookie mix that money can buy (Betty Crocker) and they immediately start in on Brandi’s behavior at the BBQ, how they couldn’t believe she used the cee oh cee kay word. What a slut. Taylor’s not ready to stop faking friendship with her yet, however.
Taylor was going to have a “game night” with the gals, but she’s just so stressed and her Life Voice Coach feels that she needs to focus on being centered with the Now, and games would symbolize Untruthfulness to her Inner Be and Peace Center. So she foists the job onto Dana, who is more than happy to take it on, because she’s, like, a professional party planner? Even though she’s super busy right now, she’ll totally do this and make it awesome. She’s like, gonna make people play dominoes with actual bars of platinum filled with real ebony, and they’ll be something like a trillion million dollars each, so… [hair flip]
Kyle meets up with Adrienne for lunch and I realized why they’re showing all of this food now, and it’s because there was no food at game night. And it’s evidently easy to get food in Beverly Hills, even if people there don’t actually eat. Kyle and Adrienne also talk about Brandi, but Brandi is Adrienne’s friend, who tries to get Kyle to see that she’s a good person, she’s just brusque.
Kyle is immediately on the defense with her, though, so she’s not willing to really try. Mostly she’s still grossed out by Brandi’s son taking a leak on the grass at a children’s party, to which Adrienne, who has two boys, laughs about. Eh, he’s four, at least it wasn’t a #2.
Adrienne turns the conversation into how she’s worried about Kim who was all “Mumble mumble slur pretty planes and I love this and slushy slur Rosa cried when I made her wear my wedding dress and dance with me last night cry cry mumble vodka and muscle relaxers.” Kyle is embarrassed on her sister’s behalf, but what can she do?
Adrienne meets up with Brandi a few days later for some milk shakes and coffee and some girl talk. But tough girl girl-talk. Brandi admits to being uncomfortable around the other women, and how she realizes she’s being judged. You have to admit that it’s pretty obvious and that would be incredibly uncomfortable to be in that position.
Kyle, Kyle, Kyle, what is going on with you this season? Brandi does get that the joke about Dana’s husband was bad, but it was meant as a joke. She feels bad because she’s trying to branch out into different social circles that don’t include her ex, and it’s getting lonely. I’m feeling pretty bad for Brandi Glanville at this point, honestly.
Time for GAME NIGHT! Kyle is the first one to arrive, and she has to traipse across the gee dee gravel in her heels, hoping she doesn’t twist an ankle. She knocks at the door, and we see Dana attempt to sweep down the curved staircase in some sad-ass lacy shorts and platform heels, clomp clomp clomp as the noise echoes in her incredibly under-decorated foyer. (It’s massive. She has a single Louis Vuitton chair smashed up against the wall. And… she’s an event planner that doesn’t know how to fill a space? More on this later.)
She lets Kyle in, kiss kiss, and immediately says, “I AM WEARING VALENTINO.” Um, from 1993? Kyle laughs and tells the camera that she wanted to say, “I’m wearing Target! I just know how to pull looks together, ahem.”
Brandi gets there shortly after and is in wedges and crutches, making her way across the flippin’ gravel, her crutches sinking lower and lower until she’s hobbled at the front door. Dana sweeps her in with a mention that her top? It’s Valentino. Did you know? Like, my stylist was just here? (You paid someone to pull that look together? Wow, I am in the wrong business.) Dana leads Brandi to her sunken game room, and Brandi looks at the stairs, her crutches and wonders how she is going to get down there. Oh, and no one offers to take her elbow, or anything.
She makes it and is plopped in one of the three chairs in that entire room and Dana wanders off saying, “OH MY GOD IT IS SO HARD TO WALK IN THESE FENDIS. DID YOU HEAR? I’M WEARING FENDIS. SO….” And I would like to add that she has no idea how to walk in heels because she looks like she’s going to pitch forward at any minute.
After Dana shouts down the empty hallway that she pisses excellence, she gets to where she can no longer be heard and there is nothing but the sound of crickets. Brandi and Kyle say nothing to each other. Christ, ladies. Camille shows up and everyone is super happy, most of all Dana, because she has had her ‘Captain Ahab spotted the Whale’ moment. Here’s the real money! Camille wanders in and admires all of the…kinda food. The desserts that are sugar cookies painted to look like dominoes and meringues that look like pink blobs and big Styrofoam dice. Boy, hire Dana, she can really plan an elegant event!
Camille laughs in a voice over about how there were three chairs in the whole room, cookies and bread sticks and this is a party planner? She starts cracking herself up, and when did Camille Grammer become my favorite housewife?
Taylor gets there, kiss kiss everyone, and Dana realizes she needs to drag in a chair from somewhere, a red plastic-leather affair. Adrienne calls and backs out, and ooooh, that’s going to be uncomfortable for Brandi.
Kim shows up and staggers at the front door. She looks down as she waits for Dana to clomp over in her FENDIS EVERYONE THEY ARE FENDIS and says, “Ooh, pretty flowers!” Now, Dana goes on and on about how rich she is, how fabulous, blah blah, and she can’t afford a landscaper? The front door has what looks like cinder blocks jammed against the wall and some blister packs of annuals from Lowe’s resting on them. FANCY. Guess that’s all you can afford after buying Valentino rejects.
She meets Dana, calls her Pam, and then hugs Kyle. Kim says that once again she did her makeup in the car (Rosa just would not cooperate after giving her a Brazilian and a cuddle, it’s really hard to find decent help, you know?) so everyone picks at her, making her clothes not wonky (there’s something like a necklace or scarf or a tie that Dana starts jamming under Kim’s jacket in the back) until finally Kyle drags her off to the bathroom to help her.
Kim immediately gives the mirror a spit-shine, complaining OUT LOUD how dirty the house is. Yeah, way to endear yourself to the hostess, Kim. Kyle whisper-screams for her to shut up.
Camille tries to connect with Brandi about divorce by talking about running off to Hawaii last summer, which Dana pounces on. “I LOVE HAWAII YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW I WILL VISIT YOU AND STAY IN YOUR HOUSE I KNOW WE JUST MET LOOK AT MY FENDI SHOES OH MY GOD WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME.” Um, Camille already has a friend for hire, DD, so…
(DD, holed up in some drab split-level in Englewood, pulls her cloak over her eyes and adds a little bit of gold python to a simmering pot and waits. And Dana feels a stabbing sensation in her left eye, but manages to continue with the evening.)
Camille plasters a smile on her face and tries to find something in the room to talk about. Aside from the three chairs and the funk-ass meringues.
Kyle puts makeup on Kim in the powder bath as Kim talks about the massive panic attacks she’s been having for days now. No sleeping, no eating, she’s getting the shakes, it takes Rosa putting on Kim’s daughter’s communion gown and saying, “I love you, Mama” while they hold hands to snap her out of it. And even that isn’t having the affect it used to. It’s like Rosa isn’t into it anymore. She’s even gone to a doctor to try and find out what’s going on. (Riiiiiight.)
Everyone moves on to a sitting room off the staircase, again, totally under-decorated for the style that Dana is trying to go for, and all the walls are white and there’s no oomph to her house anywhere, nothing personal or interesting. If you ever want to hire someone to plan an event, check out their house, is the tip of the day.
Dana has printed off everyone’s names and draws them in no order to make two teams. Dana, Taylor and Camille are on one team, and Kim and Kyle with Brandi on the other. Kim says very loudly that she doesn’t like Brandi, and doesn’t want to play, hmph.
Wow, Brandi is right there! She is being treated horribly, let’s just be honest about it. Kyle mentions that she’s recently checked Kim’s drink and “it’s fine.” What the… Wow, 400 pound gorilla in the room. Which would honestly be a welcome addition to the lack of décor in this ginormous echoing house.
Over at Lisa’s, she’s having her fabulous dinner with everyone she loves, and CHAV son Max even comes! Without shoes. Ken has the dogs in his arms as he comes to the table (for the love of…) and they all sit down to a lovely meal.
But first, Jason wants to make another of his toasts that sounds like a proposal, but isn’t. He reassures Lisa he won’t make a proposal, tonight. Because he already did when he and Pandora (Lisa’s beloved daughter) were in New York on their recent trip. And she said yes.
VERY CHARMING, SIR. Lisa bursts into happy tears, they all cheer and exclaim and hug and kiss and it’s very sweet. Pandora only asks that Giggy be the ring bearer. They cut to Jason’s mother, who is holding one of the dogs, so I guess this is just how they all are with animals at the dinner table. Lisa stops Ken from making a toast because he gets too mushy, so he grumbles, un-tucks one side (I can do what I want, I’m a grown man!) and says cheers. A happy night at the Vanderpump-Todd estate.
Back to Game Night where the real intrigue is. Kim, still calling Dana “Pam,” and insisting that she’s doing it on purpose, keeps slipping off to the loo to powder her nose. Ahem. Dana is all over Kim, kinda climbing up her butt (and Kyle’s too.)
Brandi notices when Kim slips off again, and mentions it to Taylor, to see if everything is okay. Brandi says to the camera, “I was a model in the 90s. I know what people on drugs looks like.” She has a point, guys. The camera cuts to the bathroom where Kim has three bags shoved in the corner by the sink. Who does this?
Brandi is all, “Mm hm, and no one is stating the obvious, this is weird.”
They start playing games, first up is Celebrity where they all point to themselves or say, “Who I dated/was married to/was a drug runner for!” and it’s quite the success. Except Kim and Kyle are really only playing with themselves, ignoring Brandi on their team.
But then, Brandi had “Winston Churchill” for her “celebrity” and gives the following clues:
- Famous black man that isn’t MLK
- Where do you go on Sunday?
So…maybe they have a point. After a while though, you can tell it’s bothering Brandi in a big way, so she starts saying things like, “Awesome teamwork, guys!” and “”Wow, I love being alienated.”
Dana tries to keep everything fun and light by saying that she loves Kim’s soul (huh?) which makes Kim go to the bathroom again, because her soul was about three fingers light, if you know what I mean. Kyle eventually goes off to look for her, and a bartender tells her that Kim got a drink from him plus a coffee. Well, then.
Brandi says to the other women that one, her team doesn’t like her and two, they aren’t lucid. Oooh, no one wants to get into that, but Brandi don’t play that game. She thinks Kim is “off her rocker.” Camille makes some non-committal noises while Dana stares at her worshipfully trying to pin the designer on the various things Camille is wearing. On the other hand, Camille admits that she’s knows what it’s like to be on the outs with the sisters, and admits that it’s uncomfortable.
Dana climbs back up Kyle and Kim’s keisters when they return, saying Brandi needs to stop, and wanting the sisters to help her shut Brandi up. Nice hostessing. I really feel bad for Brandi here, my god, she is just under attack from all corners.
And then, Kim leaves again and hides Brandi’s crutches. This is beyond the pale, what on earth? Kyle thinks it’s funny, and I’m officially breaking up with you, Kyle. The girl has a broken leg. Not cool, ladies. They switch from Celebrity (in Beverly Hills it’s called “Us”) to an IQ Test. Who does this at a party?
Kyle, in a snotty tone, says Brandi’s up first. “Fine, bring it, bitch.” Uh oh. They start getting into it and Brandi says they’ve had it out for her all night, they’ve been very obvious with their dislike for her, and maybe they just don’t remember their poor behavior because of all the bathroom trips, ahem.
Camille speaks over everyone, “NOPE. We are having fun, this is not going to happen again, not when I’ve not planned this out with my personal medium.”
Brandi continues to call them out for being rude (and even with a broken leg she still has one to stand on) and Kim calls her a god damned bitch.
Kyle: You’re pathetic!
Kim: You look like a whore!
So these two are basically the Plastics now.
Brandi shrugs it off and says “Fine, I’m a slut.”
Kyle: You admit it! It’s very clear.
Brandi: So is your face. So is everything else tonight, (with a pointed look at Kim’s drunk ass.)
Kyle: What do you mean? (really, Kyle?)
Brandi: Your sister is wasted.
The two sisters jump up, fingers pointed and rapid fire their eff yous and watch your effing mouths at her.
Kim pulls it together and says, “You’re not worth my breath.”
Dana turns to Camille and breathes solemnly, “My breath is worth $3000 an exhale. Will you love me now?”
NEXT WEEK: Dana tries eating Krugerrands so she can truthfully say that she shits money, more game night drama with added death threats and Lisa plans a wedding! Without Dana. (It actually looks like she’s working with a revamped Bobby Trendy, right?)