We last left our ladies clawing and scratching each other’s eyes out at Dana’s “extravagant” Game Night party. It was Kyle and Kim against Brandi, and Brandi claimed that Kim kept sneaking off to the bathroom to get high or drunk, whichever, she was altered. They jumped down Brandi’s throat and started calling her a bitch and a whore, as you do in these situations.
Too much, too much, so Brandi makes a T with her hands, calling for a time out.
“Oh, you’re the mommy now?” Kim sneers. “I’M THE MOMMY! I AM ALWAYS THE MOMMY NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU MOVE AWAY, GIRLS! No matter how far away, I miss you, come home to momma, baby! Rosa? ROSA!?” Kim just needs to put Rosa back in the onsies so she can rock her to sleep and make the shaking stop. Why does everyone leave her?
Kyle explains to Kim that Brandi actually is a mother, but a terrible one because she didn’t correct her toddler son for pissing on the grass at a party. Brandi isn’t fit to have a uterus, my god, she let her son do that?! Kyle then goes off on Brandi telling her what she should have done, and if I may?
LADIES. STOP THIS SHIT. I don’t care who you are, or how fabulous you think your child is. You don’t get to tell other people how to parent, unless they are abusing their child physically or emotionally. Period.
Brandi has just about reached her limit, and I can’t believe she hasn’t stormed out of this “party” by now, honestly. She mocks Kyle, asking if she should have caught her son’s piss in her hands. When Kyle gives her a “DUH” look, that’s it, all gloves are off.
“YOUR SISTER IS WASTED. FUCK YOU. She is cracked out of her mind!”
Kyle tells her to watch her mouth, that Brandi is tacky and classless, getting right up in Brandi’s face with her finger pointing in it. Good lord! Brandi is crying now (happy, ladies?) and says (to the three other women sitting there not saying a damn thing) that she has had to defend herself since she got there, and no one is acknowledging that the two sisters started it, Kim specifically. When no one says anything, Brandi spits out, “At least I don’t do crystal meth in the bathroom all night long, bitch.”
Kyle races over to her and gets right up in Brandi’s grill telling her to shut up. Kim jams her fingers in Brandi’s face looking like she’s going to bite Brandi’s lips off and calls her a “slut pig.” That’s enough for Taylor to actually do something, which is to shut down ugly arguments right before they get physical.
“ENOUGH. No touching! No one is hurting anyone in this house!” She starts sobbing, and will SOMEONE please get that lady out of that god damn abuser’s house?! “I will not have it! No one will hurt anyone in this house!”
Dana, who has been staring at Camille’s shoes this whole time, wipes the drool from her lip and says in a bored, affected voice, “Look. We’re from Beverly Hills. We live our fabulous lives, Camille and I living better ones than the rest of you, and we do our thing, which happens to be buying things that are expensive and telling less fortunate people about it. We don’t fight.”
The sisters call Brandi trailer trash, Kim is awful about it, hissing and spitting at Brandi, and that’s enough, it’s the proverbial straw: Brandi’s ready to get the hell out of this place. If only she could find her crutches. Jesus Christ. The other women go back to the game room (the one with three chairs in 1800 square feet of space) and listen to Kim talk shit like she’s all gangsta and knows how to knife fight.
Dana wanders around looking for the crutches. Are they in the game room? Noooooo. Are they in the meth bathroom? Nooooo. Are they in her closet FULL OF NOTHING BUT DIOR PUMPS? Nooooo. Oh, shit, they’re right behind Brandi’s chair.
Brandi tells her hostess that she felt attacked from the moment she got there, but Dana explains that Brandi isn’t high enough on the social totem pole for her to give a shit. Then again, Brandi did go for the jugular with that whole “you’re a crack head in someone’s bathroom” stuff.
Camille tells Kim, who is starting into space wondering how a few blue tears on her cheek would look as a tattoo, that the bathroom slam was too far, that wasn’t very ladylike. Brandi should have simpered and sneered out that Kim had a flaccid and hairy penis like someone Camille used to be married to, ahem. That’s how ladies fight.
The party’s over and Dana tells the guests she cares about that they should have a healing “Vay-cay” just the five of them, because they’re all such best friends now. Dana wants them all to remember that now that they’ve been to her house after just meeting them, they’re all BFF.
Camille, in a voice over, comments on how Dana is really trying to climb up her butt. They all stand around waiting for Brandi to get her stupid, broken leg into her limo and leave so they can leave, because they’re all 12 years old. Well, Kim is a honey badger, she don’t give a shit, so she leaves, saying that she’ll just tell Brandi to get the hell out of her way, she’s out of there.
Taylor says in a voice over that she doesn’t believe Kim is on meth, but she’s definitely on, er, she’s definitely disoriented because of something. (It’s called Oxycontin, a bottle of gin, and some muscle relaxers.) Taylor then says she feels badly for Brandi’s treatment (way to help, then) but she shouldn’t call herself a slut, because that just gives Kim the right to call her a slut pig. WOW, GIRLS.
Dana takes a moment to sit with Kyle on her stupid fringed sofa and over-compliment her hair, outfit, and life choices, and – barely restraining herself from jamming her hands into Kyle’s hair and soul-kissing her – then says “I love Kim just as she is. Let’s go! Let’s go on our journey!” (Uh, this is Beverly Hills, not Sedona, Dana.)
Kyle tries to school her expressions even though inside she’s screaming, “WHAT THE HELL?”
Dana continues, and I’m not making this little speech up, “We’re together forever. That’s what we’re about.”
I didn’t notice any hash pipes in the game room, so I’m a little confused, too, Kyle, who then asks, “Who?”
Whatever, Dana, you are a fruitcake creeper.
The next day Adrienne walks out of her home, across her estate, through the front gate, across the street, and through the gate of Lisa’s home, across her expansive lawns to the front door, and through the house to the back. Its like a Merchant and Ivory retelling of Eraserhead.
Kyle is already there, having filled in Lisa on the wacky shenanigans of Game Night, tactfully leaving out all of the horrible things she and her sister did, and white washing their intentions. Lisa does find the “black man/Winston Churchill” business to be hilarious, however. Kyle then claims to not even know what crystal meth is, and WHATEVER, KYLE. Paris was a coke fiend, shut up.
Adrienne keeps a smile on her face, even though Brandi is her friend and she was on the phone with her right after the party. Adrienne says that Brandi felt attacked, and thinks everyone is a little at fault, ahem, pointed look at Kyle. Adrienne comments in a voice over that Kim has been acting a little erratic lately, case in point: the Sacramento Kings game.
Taylor meets Brandi for lunch soon after the fiasco, and really, if she’s trying to play both sides of the fence as friends, then it was shitty for her to wait so long before stepping in at Game Night. Whatever. Brandi orders actual food and Taylor orders a latte (but with whole milk, so she can claim to have had some calories.)
Brandi says she knows she crossed a line with the Kim stuff, but she can not take someone insulting her parenting. Girlfriend, I feel you. Were you tacky? Yes. But were you pushed into reacting terribly? I think so. Everyone was wrong here, everyone. Especially Dana. (Those shorts!!) Taylor muses that maybe these new anxiety meds that Kim has been on is to blame? Maybe everyone should just apologize.
Brandi laughs to herself about the “anxiety meds” – is that what we’re calling a fifth of vodka these days? – and says that she doesn’t see the point, there’s no where she and the sisters can go from here that’s positive. But she’ll think about it. Brandi is the only one that can acknowledge she’s done something wrong, am I the only one seeing this?
Kyle and Kim have their kids all packed up, ready for a mini-vacation in Palm Desert. A lot of information happens here, so let’s break it down.
- Last year, the big limo fight. Kim accused Kyle and Mauricio of “stealing her god damned house.” What was that about? Turns out that it meant their mother’s Palm Desert house that was left to Kim, Kyle, and Kathy jointly. Kyle bought both sisters out of their share (even though both sisters are welcome to use the home.)
- Kim believes she was bamboozled out of $20,000, which she borrowed against her share. That shouldn’t be the full amount of her third of the house, in her opinion. (I’m guessing there’s more money involved, but she may not consider it a part of the house money.)
- Kim tells a little story about how she was excited to find breath spray again! She’d been happily using it for a week when a friend asked to borrow it and almost died, asking her why she would do that to him. See, it wasn’t breath spray, it was air freshener. And she’d used it for a week, not knowing the difference. Ha ha, right, everyone? How sillikins of me! Good lord!!
- Later the two sisters have lunch and it gets tense, as Kyle can’t stop controlling her sister and mothering her. Fair point, but christ, Kim, you used air freshener in your mouth. Seems like you need some mothering.
Lisa and Pandora have invited the premiere Beverly Hills wedding planner (so they’ve heard) to their home to get an idea of how much this little gathering is going to cost them. Kevin Lee, who is basically an A-List Bobby Trendy.
See? Scroll back up to the top and take off the Gaga wanna be outfit. I KNOW, RIGHT?
Kevin Lee is all about massive and expensive, or you might as well not bother to do it. Well, Lisa is all about “I work my ass off for my nice things, and also, I am British and not royalty.” Lisa wants a church wedding, but Pandora wants to be married at home in their “secret garden,” and it looks lovely. Kevin-Bobby will have nothing but this outdoor wedding, he thinks it’s fabulous. How many people, he wants to know.
Lisa and Pandora reply, “Oh, less than 200.”
Kevin walks up to each of them and slaps their face. How dare they insult him? There should be no less than 1500 people at an intimate wedding, he’s not planning a bris! Pandora then describes her dream gown, white with pink roses here and there, because that’s her thing, along with her mother. He spits on the ground, “That’s tacky! ALL WHITE. You disgust me. Now, let’s talk seating…”
So he’s basically telling her that what she wants is wrong, and by the way, expect to spend more than $1,000,000 for a teeny, tiny group of 200 guests. Lisa laughs in his face, as she isn’t planning on passing out bags of money as parting gifts. Ultimately they decide on going with him, as he’s known to be the most stylish of BH planners.
Camille is getting ready for a charity luncheon where she and her mother are being honored by the John Wayne Cancer Center. They have a close up on a dresser of sunglasses in her huge closet, and I noticed that none of them have gold python. (You know Dana is watching this and taking notes.) She puts on a pair and asks friend-for-hire DD what she thinks, then promptly ignores her, remembering at the last minute that DD doesn’t actually have any class, she’s just paid to adore Camille. She asks her mother what she thinks, and goes with that option.
DD snakes a hand out and steals the glasses Camille just touched, seeing a stray hair trapped in the frame. That will go to her ever-growing hair ball that she keeps on her Camille altar back in Englewood.
The luncheon gets underway, and some women got the idea that this was Easter and they’re wearing their hats “fer His Glerr.” (Tell ya mama I ax how she durrn.) Brandi was invited and she struggles in on her crutches again and takes a seat. Dana immediately goes to the tables where they’re auctioning off jewels and stuff, and tells everyone that she has a real fur made from organic, free-range polar bears that lived on a diet of gold dust, artisan water, and dolphin meat. It’s La Croix. AND THAT’S IT! She’s Edina, but less entertaining!
Camille finds Carmen Miranda’s grand-daughter and compliments her fruit hat and Curious George-themed gown. She’s losing it. She’s unbelievably nervous about public speaking, poor thing. She’s introduced and stumbles a bit in her speech, but it’s not a big deal, they’re there to raise money for cancer research, and her mother, an ovarian cancer survivor and currently suffering from bladder cancer, is there for a special award. Oh, that’s nice, they’re very sweet to each other.
All of the housewives are sitting together, and no, that’s not awkward to have Brandi there with Kyle and Lisa whispering to each other. Lisa does admit that they’re being rude and tries to talk with Brandi a bit, asking where she lives. And then they go back to not speaking to her. Brandi says to the camera later that she didn’t want to cause any drama because the day was about cancer and not any pettiness. See? She can be a good person, everyone, she’s just… well, young. And kinda tacky.
Kim, who skipped out of the event, goes for a walk with Adrienne by Kim’s house. Now, Adrienne is teeny. She’s a short, short lady, which is why she lives in platform heels. And she’s taller than Kim in their sneakers. WOW. How is this the first I’m noticing this? Off topic, sorry.
They’re walking and talking, and Adrienne tries to guide Kim down a path of acknowledging her own faults and growth, but Kim wants to run in place on Poor Me Avenue. Kim is mad that she let Brandi get her mad, she doesn’t admit any fault of her own, and whines about Kyle mothering her all the time.
Adrienne keeps her lips tight, wondering how the hell she got roped into being this friend.
NEXT WEEK! Lisa’s unbelievably wealthy friend Muhammad wants to throw Pandora an engagement party, and they would be fools to turn this opportunity down. Everyone will probably get to take a princess home in their goody bags. Adrienne holds a spa day for the ladies, Brandi tries to keep her cast from getting wet and we all know there will be drama.