Jersey Shore 4.12 – Ciao, Italia!

"Ya can't go out with dem floppy moobs, Vin, I have standards with who I date."

In case you can’t remember what happened last week, here’s your refresher: Mike was a dick, Snooki was drunk, Deena fell down a lot, Ron said bro so many times he had a seizure, and Vinny and Pauly’s love continued to flourish in the city of fiery love, Florence.

Mike left the dance club after trying to start a fight (where none of his dudebros backed him up) so he went home to have a passive-aggressive sad fest. He realizes that he’s home by himself which can only mean one thing: PANTS OFF DANCE OFF! He pulls his pants down to chill in his Y-fronts and hollers out, “No chick in the crib!” I have no idea what this means.

He kicks the walls a bunch, laughs to himself, stares in the mirror and asks if anyone is talking to him? Is anyone talking to him? Because there’s nobody behind him, so he guess somebody’s talking to him? The camera has a series of quick cuts where he paces in front of his bed alternately laughing and sobbing, him jumping off the top of the fridge and screaming, “REVOLUTION,” him sitting in the bathtub, the water rushing over his greasy head as he cries, and finally Snooki wakes up to see him standing there, stock still, not moving a la Paranormal Activity.

She tells him to stop being weird, puts her face mask on, and reaches under her pillowcase to touch the rosewood crucifix she secreted away, just in case. Sometimes Nicole is smart, you guys.

The rest of the gang heads home from the club, all of them in a great mood. Sam tells Ron that if tells Mike they all hate his guts and he can’t come back, she won’t make him flat iron his pubes tonight. Just healed from the last hot-ceramic plate burn, he agrees. He marches in to Mike’s room, shakes him awake, and tells him they need to talk.

They hit the pigeon patio and Ron starts right in on it: “You’re a troublemaker, bro. You gotta fix things, bro, or you have to bro, bro.”

“Really?” Mike asks.

“Bro. You need to bro up, bro-dog. I know you’re depressed because no bros are broing you, but you need to apolobro and make things right. Bro.” Ron’s eyes twitch and he realizes he’s about to have a bro-seizure (brozure) so he switches to dude.

Mike takes it all in while snidely laughing. “I’d rather Scootch Magootch, ya feel me? I would rather not get a paycheck than apologize, this is what I’m saying.”

“Whatever, Angelina.” Oooh, low blow, bro. Ron reports back to Sammi that he obeyed and she eyes him for a moment, looking to see if he’s lying. Once satisfied, she switches the flat-iron off and lets Ron scrape the dead cells off her heels. It’s their foreplay.

Next day is the last day at the pizzeria, and the final crew is Vinny, Pauly, and Sammi, who is wearing flip flops. To work. In an eating establishment. They all liked their job, it seems, and really liked Marco. We didn’t see a lot at the pizzeria aside from Meatball shenanigans, so I’m assuming they just put their heads down and half-assed it – there’s nothing the editing crew could really work with.

Pauly spends the shift shouting out random phrases he memorized from his Let’s Go! Italy hand book with Vinny providing translation. Vinny tells Marco how much he’s going to miss them all, he really liked his coworkers. Vinny, I am so glad you quit being a late Season 3 dick, you are my forever love.

Later at home, Sam and Ron are entwined on the sofa and Sammi decides that she doesn’t need a full body massage before she lets her boyfriend rub one out on her thigh. They grab some bedding and walk past everyone to the smush room, signaling their intent.

I would just like to talk about the fact that there is sex happening with cameras. And someone in an editing room has to watch for starting and stopping. I just feel terrible for them. Especially for all of the Mike/skank blonde twin footage. Poor dear. I hope MTV has provided counseling.

Sam and Ron make quick work of it and Pauly laughs, “It was only 5 minutes. They do the in house walk of shame! No wonder that’s why Sam never smiles.” How can you not enjoy Pauly D? It’s the best day of my life, his jokes right there.

Mike calls his sister and loudly projects towards the group in the other room that he needs a break, that he’s not going back to Jersey. “Everyone thinks I’m the drama?” (Because you are, you monkey-faced fool) “Well, go back without me and see how you fare.”

Flashforward to Camelot on the Shore, where the booze flows from fountains, Snooki quotes Proust, Vinny cooks a delicious meal for his new Italian fiance, Jenni and Roger make a series of workout videos that actually work, Ron and Sammi are no longer together, but are still supportive of one another, Pauly is Vinny’s a comare, and Deena always wears long pants.

Snooki overheard Mike’s conversation and tells Deena that Mike is a passive aggressive idiot that just wants attention. She’s not wrong.

They get ready for clubbing, which means Pauly puts a bra on Vinny so he can shave his beard. There is a lot of subtext in that, you guys, a lot of subtext. Jenni stays home as she’s feeling sick, but everyone else hits Full Up, a small, crowded, dark joint. I would like to point out that Mike is wearing sweat pants. Nicole and Deena liken the place to a basement frat party, so they bug out. Vinny wants to leave because the girls are ugly (and they show a close up on some poor girl! She can’t help that her face looks like that, editors.)

He and Pauly leave Mike with Sam and Ron and a posse of girls from Omega Mu. The Meatballs are walking to a new place, and damn if Deena isn’t the best navigator there is. Cut to them in the club, crotch shots, drunk girl writhing near them, and Deena wondering if that’s what they look like when drunk.

Oh, honey, not at all. That girl has on panties and didn’t fall on her face.

I love that Deena tells her, “You’re being an annoying.” I like that she left it open for interpretation like that.

Pauly and Vinny show up and the four of them have a great time at the club. Pauly hooks up with an ok-faced girl, but she has a set of cans sent from heaven. The five of them head back to the house, but the girl is really drunk, so Pauly calls her a cab. He’s not going to fool around with some strange girl that might not have all of her faculties. See? He’s a good guy.

Deena slrawls on the street and pulls her heels off, then walks the rest of the way home barefoot. I’ve said it a thousand times, put some flip flops in your clutch. Even Forever 21 sells little foldable shoes for such an occasion, and they’re cheap. There’s your protip. She does flip on her internal GPS and get them home in one shot, though. And she’s trashed. (Which is like saying the sun is bright, I do realize this.)

Ron, Sam, and Mike also walk home, and Mike goes to sleep on the pigeon patio, which apparently is his new home.

Jenni wakes up the next day totally refreshed. Who knew that skipping a night of partying and sleeping for 21 hours straight could be so invigorating? Once everyone else is up, they all grab an article of clothing that represents “them” and head off to the pizzeria. It’s some kind of tradition there for former employees to hang up a piece of clothing in there. Deena brings a pair of panties.

Need I remind you that this is an eating establishment? I bet Marco threw them away once the cameras left. Everyone hugs and kisses and tosses off some heartfelt “Ciaos!” and Vinny almost chokes up with how much he liked the other workers there.

Back home they decide to have “American food” so they batter and deep fry everything left in the sink and dip it in hot wing sauce and ranch. Just like mama bought at the drive through. [kisses fingers]

Pauly goes on about how pale he is, and how embarrassing that is for him. He can’t wait to get home and tan, tan some more, hit the beach to tan, then go to the gym, drop off some laundry and maybe a little tanning. While he’s talking, the girls shock the hell out of everyone by cleaning up. Actual scrubbing and mopping! Vinny says that seeing Nicole cleaning “is like seeing Mike with a condom. It just doesn’t happen.”

GROSS. Mike is gross, and if you touch his dick, people, you are instantly infested with cooties. See you doctor immediately for your circle, circle, dot, dot cootie shot.

It should come as no surprise that Deena, when mopping, trips herself with the mop and falls on her keister.

Vinny calls up a tour guide to book some sightseeing in town, seeing as they’ve been there for almost 2 months and ar leaving in 48 hours. No one knows the difference between art and history tours, so they “ax” the guide to “trow in” a little of both. They’ll meet at the Duomo the next day at the crack of 1 pm.

Snooki, filled with virtue after cleaning the glass on the coffee table, heads out to the pigeon patio for a smoke, and encounters Mike, who now lives out there with the other flying rats. He tries to sweet talk her, but she just isn’t interested. He starts in on how maybe he won’t come to the shore house, and maybe they’ll all miss him. Right?


She blows smoke out of her mouth, not making eye contact, and says,”Eh. Whatever.”

Mike says in a voice over that it’s just too stressful with them all, you know, because he wears his ‘heart on my sleeve.” What the hell?! Snooki continues to not give a shit and he makes sad faces when she leaves. He just wants a little cuddle, you guys, and then he wants to lie about you. What’s wrong with that?

Next day, and they’re all gathering for the tour. They meet the round, be-tweed gent that will show them the town, and they all look shocked to learn that they will be walking on this tour. For two whole hours. Everyone is bored until he points out a window, through which is the room where Leonardo daVinci painted the Mona Lisa. Vinny is floored, because he seems to be the only person that has had any education here. Pauly loves it because Vinny does, and I’m telling you, they are one of the sweetest couples on tv.

They get to the statue of David, where Deena exclaims as she picks hair off her lip, “I’d do it.” Snooki wishes his wiener were bigger. (And that he wasn’t gay?) Mike goes off by himself to sit every chance he can get, but no one seems to care. They go to the Palazzo Vecchio where the ceiling is decorated with paintings by Giorgio Visari in exquisite detail.

Deena and Snooki crane their necks to look at it and Deena asks, “Are they real? The babies with wings?”

The tou guide blinks slowly for a minute. “Uh…they are characters of mythology?”

Deena replies, “That’s cool.”

Vinny shakes his head behind them. Mike continues to ostracize himself from the group like a whiny, petulant child that didn’t get enough attention at a fourth-grade party. Pauly notices, but says “Eh. I’m not gonna hold his hand.” He only holds Vinny’s.

The group part from their guide and head up to the top of a hill to hit a cafe, have a drink, and watch the sun set over this beautiful city. Vinny loved the whole thing, and is happy he finally went sight-seeing properly. They all stand on the edge of the overlook, marveling at the Ponte de Veccio bridge, the Duomo and Basilica, and sigh. It really is beautiful there.

Pauly drapes his arm over Vinny and says, ‘It’s beautiful, huh, Vin?” I swear I heard him say “Babe” not Vin. I had to switch on the closed captioning to make sure. Their bromance is further on display when they all sit for food and drinks and they get a picture made with their arms entwined, drinking from their glasses.

Pauly's wondering how fast they can get to the smush room.

I hope these two crazy kids can make it work, I really do.

Mike explains to the camera that he has a master plan, and this moment is perfect for apologizing. Okay, Mike, we totally believe that you’re capable of planning things. He tells everyone how sorry he is for his behavior, for hurting people, and then waves over some peddler to give each of the girls a red rose. He then sings this song to them hoping it will make things all betters.

Jenni says to the camera, “It’s bullshit, his apologies. Same thing, different country.)

They get gussied up for their last club night in Florence, where there is no one out. They make the most of it, and hey, they wanted to have fun, just the right of them anyway. They have a great time dancing, and then people start showing up at the club and it ends up being packed.

Some kid tries to buy Pauly and Vinny a shot, they laugh and say they’re alright, and this kid (he’s a teenager) accidentally bumps into Mike, who threatens to beat him up. Vinny disgustedly tells Mike that he’s being ridiculous and to cut it out, it was just a kid.

Pauly says he’s just looking for attention, so everyone should just go home while they’re still on a high. Once home, Deena finds out they’ve punked her bed again, and as she tries to put it back together, falls on her back and is trapped under her mattress. Again.

Later she and Snooki decide to prank the house while they’re all asleep by putting all of the potted plants on the kitchen table. Worst. Prank. Ever.

Snooki is the first up on Leaving Day, and shakes everyone to get them up, too. Time for a mimosa party! Mike makes breakfast for everyone and Vinny and Pauly race up to the smush room.

Sorry, it’s just to give Ron’s tush some naughty sleepytime spankings. No, really. Ron says to the camera that he was exhausted but “you can’t be mad waking up to that.” Jersey Shore: gayest show on TV. In your face, Glee.

Mike tells everyone that he was going to not join them at the shore, but don’t worry, dry your eyes, because twist his arm! He’ll be there. Yay.

Montage of everyone packing, Snooki getting head from a vacuum hose, and Vinny saying that he’s sorry for his mother as he’s not coming home with a real Italian bride, but he has Pauly and that’s all he needs in life. They all slide down the stair case on their mattresses and bid Florence Arrivederci!

As do I. One more season of Jersey Shore to go, and then the series ends. Before we go, I have this for Vinny: Tu sei una stella. La mia stella, cara mia.